My new husband has been lying to me about viewing pornography!

[AndyF]

bibagirl:

I can say it is wrong(by the Church’s definition) for marrying him when he knew he had this problem of lust and adultery by desire and you accepted him in that state, AND this occurring while living together. The last part is a mortal sin because it’s fornication,
and more serious because it wasn’t a one time fling but you set up a life around it. Don’t believe me ask a priest. Among the list of “some that may not agree” is the whole Church, that too is not an opinion it’s the absolute truth ask a priest again.

Everyone sins, but the Catholic is selective in finding virtuous people who are not in a state of mortal sin. There are a lot of people who sin but they seem to find favor with God and obtain graces to keep them mainly in venial offenses. The Holy Spirit shines through these people and we get a sense of their state. All of us met them at some time. Everyone’s duty is to try their best to find the best partner assisted by the Holy Spirit. To obtain his assistance, one needs to be doing his part and be free of serious sin also.

I would consider it a blessing that a person such has your husband was unable to keep his vice hidden from you. The privilege was intended to raise a large warning sign.

This a sad situation because you obviously love him. But remember that these situations if accepted means the likelyhood you will need to nurse maid this person through life because you accepted him the way he is and he knows it. The typical pattern means you will need to coddle him has well has the children he begets. You have the option I mentioned, or hope he will come around which doesn’t look good according to the stats. You have some big decisions to make, but you CAN start a new life with a worthy man and have the Church’s sanction, but your chances are better if done early. One last thing, having a child just to** help the problem** doesn’t work.

You asked for opinions and you have mine. I still say you should get pastoral help before having kids. If he won’t cooperate in any of this, consider it another warning sign.

Good luck.

Andy

 

[danonwaveland]

One does not go to hell for gardening.

But you’ve never seen my back yard.

God bless,
Dan

 

[danonwaveland]

Because porn is so effective in seeping into our longterm memory banks, even occasionally can be damaging.

Very good point and absolutely true.

God bless,
Dan

 

[a_priori]

*The #1 problem with porn though (in addtion to it objectifying women and tainting the sex act) is that our brains **remember ***those images…forever, it seems. What it did ‘to’ us was that I no longer could think about he and I together (when we were “together”), but I thought about those images, and not my husband. That is not how marital sexuality really should be, and I’m so grateful that we woke up to how damaging it could have become.

This is the salient point regarding the effects of pornography on the marital psyche. Any discussion regarding pornography and married people has to come down to this. It is simply impossible to say it any better.

 

[bibagirl]

I have a feeling bibagirl, that you are most offended by his blatantly lying about this, than perhaps that he viewed porn at all. Both are offensive to you, but the lying…that is what hurts. Praying that you both can get past this…and that he chooses to let go of this habit. *

whatevergirl that´s exactly what hurt me the most. I felt like, ok I can handle any (or at least most) sins or transgressions, but by lying directly to my face, my husband shook my trust in him which had been very strong up to that point.

He panicked when I confronted him, and took a risk. Faced with upsetting me for having viewed porn, or denying it and hoping it´d blow over, he took the cowards option and in doing so, destroyed my trust in him.

I even lost a little respect for him, for having been such a coward. He should have been a man and faced up to the consequences of his actions. I had believed my husband´s character was stronger than this, and was absolutely repelled by his weak, sly behaviour.

I know nobody is perfect and we all sin and make mistakes, but I was gutted when he lied to me because now Í cannot take his word at face value and cannot completely trust him. We have talked about this and I hope he has seen how important it is that he cannot lie to me anymore. I´m definately going to get us more involved in the Catholic community and do daily prayers and such.

Thanks whatevergirl for your understand and excellent advice.

 

[bibagirl]

bibagirl:

I can say it is wrong(by the Church’s definition) for marrying him when he knew he had this problem of lust and adultery by desire and you accepted him in that state, AND this occurring while living together. The last part is a mortal sin because it’s fornication,
and more serious because it wasn’t a one time fling but you set up a life around it. Don’t believe me ask a priest. Among the list of “some that may not agree” is the whole Church, that too is not an opinion it’s the absolute truth ask a priest again.

I had strong suspicions but no proof. I still can´t get my head around your view that because we sinned before marriage, we basically deserve whatever miseries happen to us after marriage.

Everyone sins, but the Catholic is selective in finding virtuous people who are not in a state of mortal sin. There are a lot of people who sin but they seem to find favor with God and obtain graces to keep them mainly in venial offenses. The Holy Spirit shines through these people and we get a sense of their state. All of us met them at some time. Everyone’s duty is to try their best to find the best partner assisted by the Holy Spirit. To obtain his assistance, one needs to be doing his part and be free of serious sin also.

I´d love to meet one of these worthy men, but it seems to me that they are usually either priests or repressed gays. Sorry, I just can´t see anywhere any eligable young single men that fit your criteria of a worthy man, a bad reflection of Western culture I guess.

I would consider it a blessing that a person such has your husband was unable to keep his vice hidden from you. The privilege was intended to raise a large warning sign.

I agree with you on this, I am very fortunate this has come to light at this early stage in order to be able to do something about it.

This a sad situation because you obviously love him. But remember that these situations if accepted means the likelyhood you will need to nurse maid this person through life because you accepted him the way he is and he knows it. The typical pattern means you will need to coddle him has well has the children he begets. You have the option I mentioned, or hope he will come around which doesn’t look good according to the stats. You have some big decisions to make, but you CAN start a new life with a worthy man and have the Church’s sanction, but your chances are better if done early. One last thing, having a child just to** help the problem** doesn’t work.

I agree with you on many points here. Yes it´s true I may need to “nursemaid” him a bit, not that I want to change my husband but I want him to get rid of a disgusting habit (it´s like stopping smoking, if you want your partner to stop smoking, you´re not trying to change WHO they are).

I think you and I differ on what exactly is a marriage. You seem to view it as a perfect spiritual union of worthy individuals who come closer to God (feel free to correct me on this one) , and I have a more earthy view of it as being the union of two flawed beings who love each other and who love God. That´s why I would not annul over this matter (if it were something more serious such as spousal battery or cheating, perhaps I would).

I agree with you about waiting to have a child, I need time to be able to trust him completely after him having blatantly lied to me. I wish you wouldn´t be so pessimistic about our chances for overcoming this. It´s a bit hurtful.

You asked for opinions and you have mine. I still say you should get pastoral help before having kids. If he won’t cooperate in any of this, consider it another warning sign.

I appreciate your opinion Andy, even if we differ on many things. I understand you genuinely wish to help me. You are correct on this last point, it would be a big warning sign and pastoral help is definately needed before we take the next big step.

Thanks again for your concern

 

[kage_ar]

I´d love to meet one of these worthy men, but it seems to me that they are usually either priests or repressed gays. Sorry, I just can´t see anywhere any eligable young single men that fit your criteria of a worthy man, a bad reflection of Western culture I guess.

I can attest for many worthy men, men of charachter and integrity in my small circle of friends. Heck, I live with 2 of them (my husband and my son). It is a bit insulting to these good Catholic men to say they are “repressed gays” simply because they strive to live a Christian life.

 

[bibagirl]

I can attest for many worthy men, men of charachter and integrity in my small circle of friends. Heck, I live with 2 of them (my husband and my son). It is a bit insulting to these good Catholic men to say they are “repressed gays” simply because they strive to live a Christian life.

kage_ar I certainally did not mean that all good catholic men are repressed gays, and I´m sorry if I did not express myself clearly enough.

What I was saying was that I personally have not have the good fortune to meet any eligible catholics, and the few devout young male catholics that I do know, struggle with their sexuality. There just is not a large pool to chose from. I´m not saying it´s the same everywhere, I´m sure in more vibrant Catholic communities there are plenty of eligible catholic men, but where I am, I have not met any.

 

[whatevergirl]

whatevergirl that´s exactly what hurt me the most. I felt like, ok I can handle any (or at least most) sins or transgressions, but by lying directly to my face, my husband shook my trust in him which had been very strong up to that point.

He panicked when I confronted him, and took a risk. Faced with upsetting me for having viewed porn, or denying it and hoping it´d blow over, he took the cowards option and in doing so, destroyed my trust in him.

I even lost a little respect for him, for having been such a coward. He should have been a man and faced up to the consequences of his actions. I had believed my husband´s character was stronger than this, and was absolutely repelled by his weak, sly behaviour.

I know nobody is perfect and we all sin and make mistakes, but I was gutted when he lied to me because now Í cannot take his word at face value and cannot completely trust him. We have talked about this and I hope he has seen how important it is that he cannot lie to me anymore. I´m definately going to get us more involved in the Catholic community and do daily prayers and such.

Thanks whatevergirl for your understand and excellent advice.

You’re welcome. You know, we all have lied at some point in our lives…whether we lied to get out of doing something, told a "white lie,’’ (are there really such things?), or told hurtful lies…when we look back to why we lied…it was out of fear. Fear that we would be rejected by someone we cared about. Doesn’t make it tolerable, but your husband is afraid you’ll reject him, leave him, flip out and start yelling, etc…who knows. But, the fear is what is driving his lying, not that he intentionally wants to hurt you, and keep you in the dark about something. I think a good way to approach him, is say…look, just be honest. It’s the only way you can get healed of this.

At the same time, we live in a culture that teaches men it’s ok to ogle women, and use them sexually. Many women allow men to use them. So, you have this dynamic of men knowing it’s wrong, knowing it would hurt their spouses, but then giving in to the world’s temptations. It’s a tough world, at times, that we live in. I think that the fantasy life your husband has online with porn, is very alluring. So, how can something be so wrong, that seems so good? But, it is. The best trick that the devil has up his sleeve is to make us believe that sin is good. Look at abortion–an entire society making murdering of a baby legal, simply by twisting a few words around.

It’s that way with sin, in general. Keep praying…and know that with God, your husband can get over this. But, he has to surrender it. He has to want to give it up. Porn is easy to look at, it’s appealing to the eyes for men, it’s a vice…but what it does, is twists the gift of sex that God gave to us. And over time, with prayer, and your husband commiting to quitting, he’ll look back and say…oh my gosh, what was I thinking?

God bless you in this battle with your dh.

 

[NoWhereMan]

Hi there. I´ve been married just 5 weeks and last Friday I came home unexpectedly from a cancelled gym class to find my new husband viewing pornography. I couldn´t believe it.

I find the idea that he views porn a bit repulsive, and it make me feel inadequate especially when he stays up late at night" and I´m lying upstairs alone in bed waiting for him. I´ve been told I´m considered “hot” by men and I´ve never had a shortage of male attention as I have a good figure so why won´t my husband turn off the computer and come to me instead! If he´s like this while I´m young and have a good figure, what will he be like then I´m older and lose my figure?

But what hurts me most are his lies, now I feel like I can´t really trust ANYTHING he says.

We have been dating for 6 years and living together for the last 3 years (yes I know people won´t approve), and I was always aware that he was secretly viewing pornography occasionally but each time I raised the issue he denied it, telling me that the computer has a virus and that´s why I found porn files in the hard disk. But since he´s a computer technician and I´m not, I was unable to prove that this was not the case. Then last Friday I could him red handed, and he still denied it.

All last night I spent searching catholic advice websites to know what to do and this morning I confronted him with evidence on the hard disk. He hotly denied it at first, getting extremely angry that I´d been “snooping around his stuff” but when he realised I had incrovertable evidence he eventually gave in and bit by bit told me the truth. He maintains that he lied to me beacuse I would react badly if he told the truth, beacuse he knows I´m not comfortable with porn. We have made up and he´s agreed not to lie to me any more.

How can I trust his word from here on in?

As things stand, I think he´s still going to view porn occasionally because he doesn´t see it as doing anything wrong. My real problem now from here is that he doesn´t see porn as a bad thing or a big deal. I don´t know how to get him to see that it will be bad for our marriage.

How do I get him to see that porn is bad for us?

HELP PLEASE, I´m living in a foreign country without family support or close friends so I´ve no real support system.

Most men view porn, about 90% of them, it`s true, they see nothing wrong with it, & become addicted to it. I wish you well in trying to get him to give up viewing porn. On EWTN, the priest during his homily said that porn is everywhere & easily accessible, & that it is one of the most prevalent sins that men confess, if they do indeed go to confession

 

[rb437]

I read some but not all of the responses to your original post so forgive me if I am repeating something already said.

I can understand your husbands problem with pornography. Like most guys, I’ve been there and done that. Unlike many guys, I don’t do that any more. Obviously he recognizes pornography as wrong or he would not feel compelled to lie about it. It’s likely that he doesn’t understand why it’s wrong. Your husband needs to understand why pornography is bad for his marriage and he needs the strength to resist the temptation. I suggest Christopher West’s book Good News About Sex and Marriage. This is a good place to learn God’s plan regarding sex. Perhaps you should both read it and then you can work together on the things in your relationship that contradict the Church’s teaching (sorry to assume here, but if your typical…). I’m suggesting that even though this may be “his” problem, it affects you both so it’s in your interest to be a part of the solution. The other thing I strongly recommend is pray. Once, your husband gets rid of the pornography and replaces it with God’s will he will find out what he’s been missing… Let’s just say he’ll be glad he didn’t wait until he’s been married for 27 years like I did to figure this out. And finally, pray some more (it really helps). It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

 

[bibagirl]

You’re welcome. You know, we all have lied at some point in our lives…whether we lied to get out of doing something, told a "white lie,’’ (are there really such things?), or told hurtful lies…when we look back to why we lied…it was out of fear. Fear that we would be rejected by someone we cared about. Doesn’t make it tolerable, but your husband is afraid you’ll reject him, leave him, flip out and start yelling, etc…who knows. But, the fear is what is driving his lying, not that he intentionally wants to hurt you, and keep you in the dark about something. I think a good way to approach him, is say…look, just be honest. It’s the only way you can get healed of this.

Yes, ýet again whatevergirl youve hit the nail on the head´, you really seem to understand this situation.

Hy husband and I had a talk yesterday about this, and he had thought that viewing pornography was so unimportant and that my reaction would be so bad, that the best thing that he could do was lie. So for him, it was half a “white lie” (because he did not see it as an important issue), and half a lie out of fear (because he was afraid of my reaction), and in is rapid calculation he thought lying would give the best outcome.

He has now sworn to me not to tell any kind of lie, even the white ones. Another poster (kage_ar - thanks so much!!) recommended a prayer site pray-as-you-go.org/ and we played the prayer reflection thing they have on there and my husband was so affected he even wept. I think it´s the first time in this last week he really reflected on his actions, and he didn´t like what he saw. We´re definately going to keep that up.

 

[bibagirl]

Most men view porn, about 90% of them, it`s true, they see nothing wrong with it, & become addicted to it. I wish you well in trying to get him to give up viewing porn. On EWTN, the priest during his homily said that porn is everywhere & easily accessible, & that it is one of the most prevalent sins that men confess, if they do indeed go to confession

This is very true NoWhereMan, my husband just doesn´t see the problem with it. The only problem he really sees is that it upsets me. Also many other posters assume that my husband has a porn addiction just because he occasionally views porn, but I don´t agree, it hasn´t become an addicion yet, but I think it´s just so prevalent in our society that it could in the future become an addiction.

 

[bibagirl]

I read some but not all of the responses to your original post so forgive me if I am repeating something already said.

I can understand your husbands problem with pornography. Like most guys, I’ve been there and done that. Unlike many guys, I don’t do that any more. Obviously he recognizes pornography as wrong or he would not feel compelled to lie about it. It’s likely that he doesn’t understand why it’s wrong. Your husband needs to understand why pornography is bad for his marriage and he needs the strength to resist the temptation. I suggest Christopher West’s book Good News About Sex and Marriage. This is a good place to learn God’s plan regarding sex. Perhaps you should both read it and then you can work together on the things in your relationship that contradict the Church’s teaching (sorry to assume here, but if your typical…). I’m suggesting that even though this may be “his” problem, it affects you both so it’s in your interest to be a part of the solution. The other thing I strongly recommend is pray. Once, your husband gets rid of the pornography and replaces it with God’s will he will find out what he’s been missing… Let’s just say he’ll be glad he didn’t wait until he’s been married for 27 years like I did to figure this out. And finally, pray some more (it really helps). It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Thanks rb437, it´s nice to get the perspective of a man that´s been through this. I´m definately getting Chris West´s book, and I´m absolutely willing to work with my husband to get through this. Regarding prayer (see my above post), we´ve started and it´s already helping a lot

 

[Paul1961]

He has now sworn to me not to tell any kind of lie, even the white ones.

Now you’ve created another problem…

You can never ask him, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

or “Did you like the dinner tonight?”

or “My mother called. She asked if it was OK to come stay with us for a while. You don’t mind do you?”

 

[bibagirl]

Now you’ve created another problem…

You can never ask him, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

or “Did you like the dinner tonight?”

or “My mother called. She asked if it was OK to come stay with us for a while. You don’t mind do you?”

That´s true Paul!! I´ll just have to avoid touchy subjects!!

 

[TLM08]

Most men view porn, about 90% of them, it`s true, they see nothing wrong with it, & become addicted to it. I wish you well in trying to get him to give up viewing porn. On EWTN, the priest during his homily said that porn is everywhere & easily accessible, & that it is one of the most prevalent sins that men confess, if they do indeed go to confession

Excellent point my friend. I’ve been an on and off viewer for decades and I am not proud of it either. What I find disturbing is the depth of denial and shock that people seem to display in these forums. It amazes me that wives act shocked when they discover this.

Your 90% estimate might be a little high, but I bet at least 70% of all church going christian men struggle with this. Non church attending men might be closer to 90%

Even more disturbing are two things: First, women are rapidly catching up with men in regard to porn use. Second, porn is becoming more violent, degrading and just plain gross.

With the advent of the internet over the last twenty years porn has gone from romance and promiscuous fantasy type of fare to the just plain disgusting.

Modern mainstream magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan and even magazines marketed for teens make those old Playboy’s I used to have look like the Reader’s Digest.

How many of you “shocked” wives read Glamour or Cosmo type magazines or watch Desparate Housewives? To me, that stuff is just as gross and morally offensive as the rest of it.

If we were to step back and hold up a mirror, we would find that we are ALL guilty.

 

[NoWhereMan]

Excellent point my friend. I’ve been an on and off viewer for decades and I am not proud of it either. What I find disturbing is the depth of denial and shock that people seem to display in these forums. It amazes me that wives act shocked when they discover this.

Your 90% estimate might be a little high, but I bet at least 70% of all church going christian men struggle with this. Non church attending men might be closer to 90%

Even more disturbing are two things: First, women are rapidly catching up with men in regard to porn use. Second, porn is becoming more violent, degrading and just plain gross.

With the advent of the internet over the last twenty years porn has gone from romance and promiscuous fantasy type of fare to the just plain disgusting.

Modern mainstream magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan and even magazines marketed for teens make those old Playboy’s I used to have look like the Reader’s Digest.

How many of you “shocked” wives read Glamour or Cosmo type magazines or watch Desparate Housewives? To me, that stuff is just as gross and morally offensive as the rest of it.

If we were to step back and hold up a mirror, we would find that we are ALL guilty.

Amen, That is the truth!

 

[bibagirl]

Excellent point my friend. I’ve been an on and off viewer for decades and I am not proud of it either. What I find disturbing is the depth of denial and shock that people seem to display in these forums. It amazes me that wives act shocked when they discover this.

Your 90% estimate might be a little high, but I bet at least 70% of all church going christian men struggle with this. Non church attending men might be closer to 90%

Even more disturbing are two things: First, women are rapidly catching up with men in regard to porn use. Second, porn is becoming more violent, degrading and just plain gross.

With the advent of the internet over the last twenty years porn has gone from romance and promiscuous fantasy type of fare to the just plain disgusting.

Modern mainstream magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan and even magazines marketed for teens make those old Playboy’s I used to have look like the Reader’s Digest.

How many of you “shocked” wives read Glamour or Cosmo type magazines or watch Desparate Housewives? To me, that stuff is just as gross and morally offensive as the rest of it.

If we were to step back and hold up a mirror, we would find that we are ALL guilty.

Again TLM08, I agree with you, maybe other posters have very virtuous husband etc, but the fact is yy husband is actually very normal in occasionally looking at porn, most men do it. Doesn´t mean it´s right though.

It´s true plenty of womens magazines are very smutty. I remember buying one as a 13 & 14 year old, an English teen magazine called “Sugar” that had a section called “position of the fortnight” complete with diagrams, and a problem page dealing with embarrassing sex questions. At that age I was very curious and I loved it, as did all my friends. I´m sure there´s even worse things now.

 

[whatevergirl]

Excellent point my friend. I’ve been an on and off viewer for decades and I am not proud of it either. What I find disturbing is the depth of denial and shock that people seem to display in these forums. It amazes me that wives act shocked when they discover this.

Your 90% estimate might be a little high, but I bet at least 70% of all church going christian men struggle with this. Non church attending men might be closer to 90%

Even more disturbing are two things: First, women are rapidly catching up with men in regard to porn use. Second, porn is becoming more violent, degrading and just plain gross.

With the advent of the internet over the last twenty years porn has gone from romance and promiscuous fantasy type of fare to the just plain disgusting.

Modern mainstream magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan and even magazines marketed for teens make those old Playboy’s I used to have look like the Reader’s Digest.

How many of you “shocked” wives read Glamour or Cosmo type magazines or watch Desparate Housewives? To me, that stuff is just as gross and morally offensive as the rest of it.

If we were to step back and hold up a mirror, we would find that we are ALL guilty.

*I wonder though if women are viewing it solo, or with their husbands/partners, which appears like the number is high for women who were polled. I dunno…

Re: why many women are shocked…I think that’s a good reaction…better than saying, ah, just porn? No problem, honey. lol That would be very weird. Many people cheat, too…should spouses not be shocked by that either? I think the shock comes from the men whom they trust and have taken vows with–are leading a secret life of porn viewing, and lying to the wives. It’s not as simplistic as you make it sound…as spouses, we should be taken aback when our spouses lie to us. That is an appropriate reaction. I don’t want my husband to be comfortable lying to me, and if a husband or wife sees no reaction at all to lies they might tell–that sends a message that it’s ok. I think I know what you’re saying, though.

Re: the percentage of men viewing porn, I’d like to see a real study with real numbers done, because we are just guessing on percentages as if we are experts. We don’t know the number. Might be less or more than we all are guessing.

I pray that you give up this habit…once and for all. Just curious, did your porn viewing over the years, off and on as you mention, cause any issues between you and your wife? How did you both handle it? *