My new husband has been lying to me about viewing pornography!

[SaltySirena]

I had strong suspicions but no proof. I still can´t get my head around your view that because we sinned before marriage, we basically deserve whatever miseries happen to us after marriage.

This is not really what we mean. I know that my thought is that if you don’t choose your spouse very carefully, and go into marriage knowing you are taking on one of the “unacceptables,” then you’re going to have to accept that some things just can’t be fixed.

It’s unfair to marry someone knowing they do something you don’t want to live with, then try to make them change that. By marrying them with the behavior intact, you accepted said behavior. So to demand that it go away feels like an imposition and an unfair demand to your spouse. They may dig in, getting defensive of their territory and resenting the sudden demand to be different than the person you married. It’s not impossible to break through that and make progress, but it’s pretty dang hard! They may feel duped and unloved. After all, 5 weeks ago, you accepted him as is. Now you’re claiming that this is unacceptable. That’s gotta be a shock to his system.

You claim you had suspicions, but no proof. You should have GOTTEN proof before you married him! And postponed if you had to, to prevent making a mistake. Bottom line is you knew, but didn’t want to know, so you closed your eyes to the signs to preserve the pretty wedding day. Finding proof would have been as easy as looking at his computer, which you’ve now found out. Now you’re married for real, and find this disgusting and degrading. you understandably want it to go away. You thought love would conquer all and marriage would make him want you enough that he would stop using porn. And you lost that gamble, because that’s not how it works.

No one deserves the pain you’re suffering. But since you basically knowingly invited it in, you may just have to accept that getting rid of it will be difficult to impossible. Trust is already damaged now, by his lies. So you may never be able to know for sure.

As for your claim that it’s impossible to find decent guys… that’s a cop out. You’ve got to look in the right places and you have to hold yourself to high moral standards. If you are willing to cohabit without marriage, you’re going to get guys who don’t have a strong set of sexual morals. You select out the really decent ones with your own behavior.

 

[whatevergirl]

This is not really what we mean. I know that my thought is that if you don’t choose your spouse very carefully, and go into marriage knowing you are taking on one of the “unacceptables,” then you’re going to have to accept that some things just can’t be fixed.

It’s unfair to marry someone knowing they do something you don’t want to live with, then try to make them change that. By marrying them with the behavior intact, you accepted said behavior. So to demand that it go away feels like an imposition and an unfair demand to your spouse. They may dig in, getting defensive of their territory and resenting the sudden demand to be different than the person you married. It’s not impossible to break through that and make progress, but it’s pretty dang hard! They may feel duped and unloved. After all, 5 weeks ago, you accepted him as is. Now you’re claiming that this is unacceptable. That’s gotta be a shock to his system.

You claim you had suspicions, but no proof. You should have GOTTEN proof before you married him! And postponed if you had to, to prevent making a mistake. Bottom line is you knew, but didn’t want to know, so you closed your eyes to the signs to preserve the pretty wedding day. Finding proof would have been as easy as looking at his computer, which you’ve now found out. Now you’re married for real, and find this disgusting and degrading. you understandably want it to go away. You thought love would conquer all and marriage would make him want you enough that he would stop using porn. And you lost that gamble, because that’s not how it works.

No one deserves the pain you’re suffering. But since you basically knowingly invited it in, you may just have to accept that getting rid of it will be difficult to impossible. Trust is already damaged now, by his lies. So you may never be able to know for sure.

As for your claim that it’s impossible to find decent guys… that’s a cop out. You’ve got to look in the right places and you have to hold yourself to high moral standards. If you are willing to cohabit without marriage, you’re going to get guys who don’t have a strong set of sexual morals. You select out the really decent ones with your own behavior.

*Ouch, but partly true bibagirl. But, it is what it is NOW. You can’t undo that you chose to marry him…at this point, regardless of the past…your dh needs to change the behavior, to be a good husband and to become a better man in Christ.

I agree that when we accept things before marriage, it is very hard to change the rules so to speak, after marriage. But…you might have thought he could change…I don’t ever presume to know the entire thought process(es) that went into why people decide to marry people who have these issues, but it is what it is. It doesn’t matter at this point the why’s of how you got here…you and he are here…just try to heal. Nothing is impossible for God. God created the earth…the universe…the galaxies…He conquered death…surely He can heal your husband’s porn issue. God bless!*

 

[saint143]

It’s going to be alright because you’re God’s woman. Put Him first in your life and live to serve Him. Because you show the Lord you trust in Him, your husband will be sanctified through you. Seek wisdom through His word. One thing that’s causing your pain is thinking that your being compared to other woman and feeling inadaquate. It is written that even if a man so much as looks at another woman with lust, he has committed adultery. That said, understanding what caused him to fall into sin will help you to correct him. Your husband has been taught to believe the lie from satan that, “a real man can’t resist looking at an attractive woman” and “just looking don’t hurt nothing”. When the truth is, a real man has honor, integrity, and virtue. He is loyal, faithful and has self-control. Your marriage can survive this and become a wonderful strong union. Scores of good books are written on this subject. Woman need love, men need respect. Don’t forget that when your speaking with him. If your not respectful, he will not be loving and you need for him to listen to you and hear you. Your husband lacks understanding and wisdom. Ask him how he would feel if you were unfaithful to him. Empathy leads to understanding. Praise, praise, praise him when he does good, and he will try even harder to please you. You are never alone. The Lord knows your pain. Gaze your eyes upon the cross and join your suffering to His. He will help you through this.

 

[bibagirl]

Re: why many women are shocked…I think that’s a good reaction…better than saying, ah, just porn? No problem, honey. lol That would be very weird. Many people cheat, too…should spouses not be shocked by that either? I think the shock comes from the men whom they trust and have taken vows with–are leading a secret life of porn viewing, and lying to the wives. It’s not as simplistic as you make it sound…as spouses, we should* be taken aback when our spouses lie to us. That is an appropriate reaction. I don’t want my husband to be comfortable lying to me, and if a husband or wife sees no reaction at all to lies they might tell–that sends a message that it’s ok. I think I know what you’re saying, though.

Whatevergirl, yes what really got to me was the lying. There was evasive lies to cover up what he was doing (and explain questionable images on the computer), and then when my husband lied directly to me I felt like I´d been kicked in the stomach, absolutely gutted. It shattered my trust in him. Your last two sentances above sum up very well how tricky the situation is.

 

[bibagirl]

This is not really what we mean. I know that my thought is that if you don’t choose your spouse very carefully, and go into marriage knowing you are taking on one of the “unacceptables,” then you’re going to have to accept that some things just can’t be fixed.

It’s unfair to marry someone knowing they do something you don’t want to live with, then try to make them change that. By marrying them with the behavior intact, you accepted said behavior. So to demand that it go away feels like an imposition and an unfair demand to your spouse. They may dig in, getting defensive of their territory and resenting the sudden demand to be different than the person you married. It’s not impossible to break through that and make progress, but it’s pretty dang hard! They may feel duped and unloved. After all, 5 weeks ago, you accepted him as is. Now you’re claiming that this is unacceptable. That’s gotta be a shock to his system.

You claim you had suspicions, but no proof. You should have GOTTEN proof before you married him! And postponed if you had to, to prevent making a mistake. Bottom line is you knew, but didn’t want to know, so you closed your eyes to the signs to preserve the pretty wedding day. Finding proof would have been as easy as looking at his computer, which you’ve now found out. Now you’re married for real, and find this disgusting and degrading. you understandably want it to go away. You thought love would conquer all and marriage would make him want you enough that he would stop using porn. And you lost that gamble, because that’s not how it works.

No one deserves the pain you’re suffering. But since you basically knowingly invited it in, you may just have to accept that getting rid of it will be difficult to impossible. Trust is already damaged now, by his lies. So you may never be able to know for sure.

SaltySerena I have to take on board your point that I cannot change the rules. That´s good advice. I´d hoped that my husband would be fulfilled enough by love and marriage to leave that behaviour behind. I was wrong. Basically my husband believed that it´s ok to look at porn occasionally if he keeps it hidden from me (so as not to cause hurt). I haven´t told him that he cannot view porn, because I´m not in a position to insist this, I´m on very shaky ground (having implicitly accepted this in the past as you point out). The only way I think to proceed is daily prayer together, more involvement in Catholic community, and also reading Chris West´s book, and let him come to his own conclusion that porn is bad for us.

The one behaviour that I have insisted in unacceptable is the lying. He never before lied to me like that and I was so shocked he was able to do it. I don´t think I would have married him had I thought he was capable of lying like that. However we´re married now, and I love him dearly, and I myself am not perfect, so we´ve got to make the best of things.

SaltySerena I know you mean well, but the tone of your posts can sometimes be a bit sharp and hurtful, especially to one who is feeling vulnerable at the moment. I´m alone in a foreign country and really only have my husband. I know you do not wish to be unkind, I guess you think it´s “straight talk”, but my world was turned upside down in this last week and I´m feeling low.

 

[bibagirl]

Ouch, but partly true bibagirl. But, it is what it is NOW. You can’t undo that you chose to marry him…at this point, regardless of the past…your dh needs to change the behavior, to be a good husband and to become a better man in Christ.

I agree that when we accept things before marriage, it is very hard to change the rules so to speak, after marriage. But…you might have thought he could change…I don’t ever presume to know the entire thought process(es) that went into why people decide to marry people who have these issues, but it is what it is. It doesn’t matter at this point the why’s of how you got here…you and he are here…just try to heal. Nothing is impossible for God. God created the earth…the universe…the galaxies…He conquered death…surely He can heal your husband’s porn issue. God bless!

Yes whatevergirl, SaltySerena had some relevant points. Yes I feel it´s more productive to focus on what the situation is now, and go forward from here. I cannot change anything in the past, so I prefer to concentrate on the future.

Thanks for giving me hope with this, I felt a bit low after reading SaltySerena´s well intentioned but somewhat harsh post.

 

[bibagirl]

It’s going to be alright because you’re God’s woman. Put Him first in your life and live to serve Him. Because you show the Lord you trust in Him, your husband will be sanctified through you. Seek wisdom through His word. One thing that’s causing your pain is thinking that your being compared to other woman and feeling inadaquate. It is written that even if a man so much as looks at another woman with lust, he has committed adultery. That said, understanding what caused him to fall into sin will help you to correct him. Your husband has been taught to believe the lie from satan that, “a real man can’t resist looking at an attractive woman” and “just looking don’t hurt nothing”. When the truth is, a real man has honor, integrity, and virtue. He is loyal, faithful and has self-control. Your marriage can survive this and become a wonderful strong union. Scores of good books are written on this subject. Woman need love, men need respect. Don’t forget that when your speaking with him. If your not respectful, he will not be loving and you need for him to listen to you and hear you. Your husband lacks understanding and wisdom. Ask him how he would feel if you were unfaithful to him. Empathy leads to understanding. Praise, praise, praise him when he does good, and he will try even harder to please you. You are never alone. The Lord knows your pain. Gaze your eyes upon the cross and join your suffering to His. He will help you through this.

Saint143 that´s a very good point on respecting my husband. I usually am a very respectful wife, however in the few days after my husband lied to my about porn usage, I was not as respectful as usual. I viewed him as a bit diminished, as having a weak character for being able to lie to my face, and I viewed him as a coward for not facing up to his actions. Fortunately we have got past this stage and I am treating him as I treated him before the incident.

Thank you for your inspiration

 

[TLM08]

*I wonder though if women are viewing it solo, or with their husbands/partners, which appears like the number is high for women who were polled. I dunno…

Re: why many women are shocked…I think that’s a good reaction…better than saying, ah, just porn? No problem, honey. lol That would be very weird. Many people cheat, too…should spouses not be shocked by that either? I think the shock comes from the men whom they trust and have taken vows with–are leading a secret life of porn viewing, and lying to the wives. It’s not as simplistic as you make it sound…as spouses, we should* be taken aback when our spouses lie to us. That is an appropriate reaction. I don’t want my husband to be comfortable lying to me, and if a husband or wife sees no reaction at all to lies they might tell–that sends a message that it’s ok. I think I know what you’re saying, though.

Re: the percentage of men viewing porn, I’d like to see a real study with real numbers done, because we are just guessing on percentages as if we are experts. We don’t know the number. Might be less or more than we all are guessing.

I pray that you give up this habit…once and for all. Just curious, did your porn viewing over the years, off and on as you mention, cause any issues between you and your wife? How did you both handle it?

Women should not endorse their husband’s porn viewing any more than a husband should approve of his wife watching Desparate Housewives or reading Glamour magazine. It’s all garbage and sinful. To my way of thinking those magazines and TV shows are even more dangerous than hard core porn because they are accepted as mainstream television but just as morally corrupting. If you were to show a teenage girl hard core porn, she would probably recoil with shock and disgust. But if you were to leave a copy of Cosmopolitan laying around she would accept it and maybe even seek moral (sexual) advice from it.

If you were to ask most men who have experienced a good deal of life, they will admit that my numbers 70 to 90% are probably reliable. How many men would be honest if asked during a randon study anyway?

My porn use has not been a life dominating habit. She knows that I have a taste for it because I admitted it when one of her friends told her that HER husband who is an incredibly good man and devout catholic had been looking at it. The hard wired into the nature of the male is to look at naked women. My wife understands that and reassured this woman that her husband is no different. It doesn’t make it right though. Some people smoke two or three cigarettes a day too. It is a vice and something that the world would be truly better off without. Some people get addicted to that stuff and lives can be ruined over it. But that’s true of any addiction.

Before confronting their husbands in anger wives really need to step back and think about some of the things they have been reading, looking at, and listening to. What about all of the gossip they may have engaged in? How about all of those past sexual sins that their husbands don’t know about?

We are all guilty.

 

[Tosk]

TLM,
Pornography is much more damaging than Desperate Houswives so it really isn’t a good comparison. Now if you were to say Grey’s Anatomy I might have to agree with you.

 

[whatevergirl]

Women should not endorse their husband’s porn viewing any more than a husband should approve of his wife watching Desparate Housewives or reading Glamour magazine. It’s all garbage and sinful. To my way of thinking those magazines and TV shows are even more dangerous than hard core porn because they are accepted as mainstream television but just as morally corrupting. If you were to show a teenage girl hard core porn, she would probably recoil with shock and disgust. But if you were to leave a copy of Cosmopolitan laying around she would accept it and maybe even seek moral (sexual) advice from it.

If you were to ask most men who have experienced a good deal of life, they will admit that my numbers 70 to 90% are probably reliable. How many men would be honest if asked during a randon study anyway?

My porn use has not been a life dominating habit. She knows that I have a taste for it because I admitted it when one of her friends told her that HER husband who is an incredibly good man and devout catholic had been looking at it. The hard wired into the nature of the male is to look at naked women. My wife understands that and reassured this woman that her husband is no different. It doesn’t make it right though. Some people smoke two or three cigarettes a day too. It is a vice and something that the world would be truly better off without. Some people get addicted to that stuff and lives can be ruined over it. But that’s true of any addiction.

Before confronting their husbands in anger wives really need to step back and think about some of the things they have been reading, looking at, and listening to. What about all of the gossip they may have engaged in? How about all of those past sexual sins that their husbands don’t know about?

We are all guilty.

*I agree…I think that we need to continue to call upon God’s grace to wash us of our sins, and keep us from temptation. It is good to know we have issues with certain vices, but we can’t stop there. We were created for better things…for holiness. I appreciate your reply.

I agree with Tosk, that the network shows, I wouldn’t compare to porn. I viewed porn with my dh once upon a time–no way are they like porn. BUT…the message that is out there is…have sex with whoeever you want. The images are not as graphic but the underlying message is that sex is recreational, and love doesn’t matter. I agree, if that is how you are comparing the two. *