My now homosexual husband wants custody

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Yes, I do agree with you on that point as well. A way forward has to be made, as rationally and fairly as possible.

What gets me riled is when it’s suggested that it’s acceptable or excuseable to engage in such behaviours due to being gay.
 
As you stated, adultery is adultery, it doesn’t really matter if it is gay or straight.
 
I have to say I am surprised going through these forums, it seems that many of us have lost the main idea of what God is supposed to be about, love and forgiveness. We should know that by now. I don’t want to hear another thing about him being gay. The older I get, the more and more I am accepting and very understanding of homosexuality, the older I get, the more I doubt a such thing as gay or straight, just fluid sexuality. Some things taught in the bible were wrong, for example the existence of witches, and I’m not criticizing the bible, but we shouldn’t put all of our trust into it. The older I get, the more I realize that life is too short to have these petty disagreements. I too, am a product of divorced parents, and at one point both my parents were cheating on each other. Neither of them were right, but also, neither were wrong. They weren’t bad people, but just trying to understand themselves, and didn’t confront the issues in their marriage, so they let it rot. Many years after divorce they came to terms with each other before they passed away, and claimed love for one another on their deathbed. Exquisite! My best advice to you my dear, is to try to come to terms with your husbands sexuality, understand it is not your fault, but it’s neither his fault. Don’t worry about the little pieces, let them fall where they may. Just try to move on in a friendly relationship with him, and by the way, I would be saying the same thing if he was straight. I wish you the best of luck in your search for truth in this difficult, difficult time. Prayers!
 
Your “now homosexual husband” was always homosexual. He most likely married you to keep it secret.

Let him go. Your whole marriage was a lie. Divorce him and then get an annulment. You deserve better.
 
JulianN said:
Catholics believe.

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. But please, do not do this. Or at least, check with your attorney to see what the ramifications of saying this would be.
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In fairness, the judge seems to have said that “two religions won’t hurt the kids”. So technically, she should be ok to tell them that their father’s lifestyle is not approved by the Church.
 
Assuming the OP is in the US, there is nothing a judge can do as far as religion goes, except for rare, extreme circumstances, and even then, they are still very limited. Even prenup clauses dealing with the religious upbringing of children are not honored in family court. The reason is that every person has a 1st Amendment right to practice their faith, and that includes imparting it onto children. A court cannot nullify that right, or make a value judgement on which religion the children should be raised in. In other words, your right to be Catholic and to teach your children the faith is absolutely not contingent on your relationship with your wife. This is a good thing! Imagine the rightful outrage if courts started mandating religion and the faith formation of children. They just can’t, anymore than they can step into two-faith households and act as a tiebreaker.

As for teaching them a that homosexuality doesn’t align with church teaching? She can certainly do that. She cannot use it to discourage her children from having a relationship with their dad.

This gleeful excitement at the idea of the kids growing up to reject their father is disturbing, but it may also set the OP up for something of a letdown. Most people want and need a relationship with both mom and dad, regardless of the relationship between their parents. The OP’s kids will hardly be the first to grow up with divorced parents due to infidelity and/or homosexuality, and like many people, they may very well decide the past is just that, and between their mom and dad.
 
Technically, yes. But in practice, she needs to downplay that. It’s the type of thing that can land you back in court facing a parental alienation accusation. And judges in family court tend to heavily depend on appointed psychologists, who have an unbelievable amount of influence. If a child expresses strong feelings that his or her parent is sinning or in an immoral lifestyle, it is quite possible a psychologist will see this as evidence of parental alienation, and may curtail the mother’s time with the children.

In general, I don’t think it’s appropriate for parents to discuss the other parent’s sinful behavior. I’ve been through a divorce, and my ex cheated. I never told my children – although they did figure it out on their own from comments my ex made. All I did, and what I think is best to do, is tell them that they were in no way to blame for our marriage failing.
 
AdamP88 said:
In fairness, the judge seems to have said that “two religions won’t hurt the kids”. So technically, she should be ok to tell them that their father’s lifestyle is not approved by the Church.
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She’d be safer to get her lawyer’s take on this. If the ex-husband complains to the judge, it could cause big problems.
 
teddy1 said:
Some things taught in the bible were wrong, for example the existence of witches, and I’m not criticizing the bible, but we shouldn’t put all of our trust into it.
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???

People have practiced witchcraft since the beginning of time. I KNOW practicing witches.
 
teddy1 said:
I have to say I am surprised going through these forums, it seems that many of us have lost the main idea of what God is supposed to be about, love and forgiveness.
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I am often surprised that many of lost the idea of what marriage is all about.
 
A previous poster mentioned that she needs to love her kids more than she hates her ex. This is where that comes in, not only because it’s the right thing, but for her own self-preservation. You don’t think her ex is intimately aware of her faults and could use them to damage the children’s view of her? Don’t be naive.

Rather than trying to figure out a way to marginalize each other, the parents have to work together. That’s what’s best for everyone, and especially the kids long-term. The OP can wait years for the opportunity to knock down her ex, but in addition to being wrong, manipulative, and possibly damaging from a custody perspective, that would mean seething for years instead of trying to heal and move on. Clearly, she has a strong case for annulment. Find peace and move forward.
 
“Petty disagreements”? The man vowed to remain faithful to his wife and then cheated on her, left her, and is rejecting his promise before God to raise the children as Catholics. Your idea of what constitutes a “petty disagreement” is absolutely bizarre.
 
BlueEyedLadies said:
Don’t be naive.
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I’m not being naive. I’m just speaking from the perspective of someone whose biological father was absent. I’m not giving legal advice either. Sometimes the best thing is to just admit to the kids: Your dad was a cad, and he abandoned us. You can be nice and try to work together but sometimes the best thing is to be honest.
 
Except that’s not what happened. That’s what you personally seem to wish would happen, but clearly this man did not abandon his kids and in fact did what too many men fail to do - he fought in court for equal parenting time and access.

I had an absent father too. These kids don’t. They have an imperfect father. They also have an imperfect mother. Now they need for their imperfect parents to work together to give them the best, most stable upbringing possible. Encouraging the OP to stew until the kids are “old enough” to be convinced their father abandoned them (he didn’t) is counter to that, and a very ugly, selfish suggestion.

People without absent parents generally want a good relationship with both mom and dad, regardless of what happened in the marriage. No one, adult or child wants to hear or consider their parents’ issues, they just want love and support as they grow and eventually build their own families.

So no, telling her children that their joint custody father “abandoned” them is not ok, morally or legally. Not only would a judge likely have something to say about that, it would really tempt her ex to retaliate, and I’m sure he could.
 
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