My now homosexual husband wants custody

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My lawyer is Catholic as well, he has said realistically judges in our state want to seem progressive and fear looking like they are discriminating against homosexuals. Like i said i live in a liberal area and they are worried about they’re next campaign. My best option is to go in with a strong list of demands, some I will negotiate on so it looks like im working with my ex in mediation. I need to get him to agree to raise the children Catholic most importantly. Meanwhile my lawyer is working on building a case in case it goes to court 😣
 
She is not talking about hating him,she is talking about raising their children in the Catholic faith.

You don’t know why or if “God let this happen”, don’t speak for God.

No one has said God hates gay or trans people. Where did you come up with that?
 
Orthodox Jews have had success keeping their children in their faith with a divorce, from a legal perspective. Something about keeping the “status quo”.

I really hope it works out for you, and he agrees to raise the children Catholic, as he had previously promised.
 
This has nothing to do with being gay. Courts do not routinely give one parent sole custody when there are two parents who want to be so involved and who have the resources to do so. It’s best for kids to feel like they belong with both parents. Your ex sounds like a dishonest, cowardly man who should never have married. But, that doesn’t make him a bad dad and you have to accept that regardless of your marriage, he has a separate, stronger, biological, permanent, and immediate familial relationship with your children. Just be grateful for their sake that they have a father who loves them and wants to raise them.

The court is also not going to prevent him from sharing his religious views with his children. That’s his 1st Amendment right as much as it is yours. Even a prenup wouldn’t have any bearing on this. This is just a fact of divorce, sexuality aside.

When it comes to religion, the best thing you can do is have a private sit-down with him and say that you know he knows how important this is to you and discuss how continuity in the kids’ religious upbringing can be ensured. He probably has concerns about how your faith might undermine their respect for him and their relationship. This is a good time to address those concerns. Your best hope for a consistent Catholic upbringing is to appeal to him directly and as much as it sucks, working with him for the next 15 or so years.
 
c_h said:
As long as he’s not running from his responsibilities.
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He is running away from his responsibilities. The responsibilities of his marriage.
c_h said:
Yes, he’s gay, but does it make him a bad person?
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No. Cheating on his wife and lying to her about his sexuality makes him a bad person.
c_h said:
Sorry. But, I don’t believe that God hates gay or trans people. I believe that God’s love is unconditional and everybody deserves to feel it.
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True. But God also has given us commandments and laws. One of which is that we are made male and female. And that our sexuality is a gift only to be shared in marriage between a man and a woman. Anything outside of that is wrong.
 
Well, to be fair, this is a Catholic site and people seek Catholic answers to their questions.
Popular opinion can be found anywhere online.
I presume she wants t know what to do as a Catholic woman.
This happened to my sister…she was a “cover” for his NOT coming out. It was immoral of him to deceive her like that. After they finally divorced he expected her to “embrace” his partner.
Sorry.
She can forgive him, but she doesn’t HAVE to sign off on that lifestyle.
 
I think it would be better to keep your children away from your ex husband and his “boyfriend” as much as you can. To provide a very poor analogy, here is an example.

I was talking to a woman who suffered from domestic abuse. She is no longer with the husband, but her oldest child is under his care. The second child is being taken care of by her aunt.

I told her that it’s not a good idea for her child to be with her husband, given that he is abusive.

Your husband may be a good father, but exposing your children to him and his immoral relationship isn’t a good thing.

Prayers for you and your family. Have a blessed Holy Week.
 
Yes, keep your eyes on the prize, which is maximizing access with your children and negotiating a parenting plan that respects the decisions you made as a couple for the children. I would ask the lawyer for the advisability of a parenting plan that shares every weekend, with you given Sundays and your ex Saturdays, if possible.

Remember that formal religious instruction is one thing; living a Christian life with the children in your time is another. The latter has a much more powerful influence in the children.

Also, please correct me if I’m wrong, but Unitarian views embrace the right of their congregation to accept other faiths. It may be that the children can be raised Catholic without any inconsistency with your ex’s Unitarian beliefs.
 
Get as much custody now.

Then get a job and new house in another state(hey, they can be expensive). Once there you may have more options…
 
Thats why I said poor analogy, if you read my post carefully.

At any rate, it is unhealthy for the children to be exposed to their father’s unhealthy and immoral relationship, not saying she should bring that up in court.
 
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possibly, but she no longer has the income and has to leave…

I would only do that at a much later time, a few years from now.

Just make sure new state is very conservative…
 
And what good would that do? The court that issues the initial order would very likely tell her that she can’t take the kids with her. Even if she made the case that she couldn’t find comparable work locally and they allowed it, the kids would likely spend Christmas break and most of their summer vacations with their dad. And even if she did somehow manage to move her custody case to a new jurisdiction (unlikely), the most conservative family courts are not, even years from now, going to break off an involved father’s relationship with his children.

Scummy exes, gay or straight, have the right to raise their kids in every state. The only people your advice will hurt is the children, who would be shuffled between states as they watched their mom try to remove their other loving parent from their lives.

This is just revenge fantasy, and an expensive one at that.
 
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This post is advocating taking children away from a legal parent without the consent of that parent or a supportive court order. OP, I do NOT recommend you consider this advice seriously, as it could be legally interpreted as kidnapping.

hoping4more, you’re posting outlandish suggestions on this thread and another regarding custody decisions that will undermine both OPs’ ability to parent and retain custody of their children. Please stop posting these responses. I appreciate that you’re sympathetic to the OPs, I really do, but these advice are unhelpful.
 
I’m wondering if H4M isn’t from the U.S. and doesn’t understand the family court system here. A lot of people have this idea that women and children are a unit and the court is happy to impose whatever restrictions she wants to keep the father at bay.

Not even close.
 
Mediation was a total bust. I was hoping I could appeal to his human side but no such luck. I suggested Saturday/Sunday arraignment so I could take them to church, he disageed. The one demand I wouldn’t budge on was that the children be raised Catholic like he promised in front of our families and God. He disagreed. He wants them exposed to his faith as well. My son will start school next year, I want him going to the Catholic school we attended, he wants to enroll him in a secular private school. He is also going for rotating week which is absolutly absurd. He did agree to no overnight guests but once He is married that won’t matter. Since we can’t agree on anything we’ll have to go to court and his lawyer managed to get us a date next week! Next Tuesday we’ll go to court for the judge to sort out. Please pray!
 
Catholickate, I have a resource from Canada that outlines benchmarks of appropriate parenting time by age of the child and nature of the relationship between the child and both parents. Please PM me if interested, and I’ll provide so you have some benchmarks to provide to the judge.

I would let your ex submit an unrealistic parenting plan to the judge, which will undermine his credibility vis-a-vis understanding their developmental needs. Be the solid voice of reason, show an openness to compromise on issues that are of lesser importance to you, and provide references to credible sources that validate the psychological basis for your parenting plan. If you can make it easily digestible in a one-page format for the judge, you are demonstrating a strong commitment to the best interests of your children, rather than petty competition over them.

One thought to consider–what are the environments in which faith is most effectively transmitted in your area? Is it the Catholic school, from having a shared support network of Catholic friends and families? Is it attending Mass every week? What mitigating strategies can you implement–assuming joint custody and 50/50 access, with equal sharing of Sundays (the minimum you should ever accept)–that will enrich your children’s access to the faith?

Just spit-balling from my own experience, so please accept what works for you and discard the rest, but levers you can pull include:
  • Thoughtful sharing of liturgical holidays. Parents whose religion coincides with Easter and Christmas times could be given priority for access on Holy Days, as that is part and parcel of exposing your children to your respective “faiths”. Equal sharing provisions can still be respected while not infringing on your ability to effectively share your Catholic faith on those critical days.
  • Participation in weekday Mass – a terrific way to informally expose your children to the idea that God is constantly sharing His love with them; constantly available; always willing to self-sacrifice
  • Informal drop-ins to the Church for adoration, reading bible stories together, following the stations of the cross, praying for special causes (especially meaningful to children if the prayers are related to charitable activities you undertake together in the community), meeting friends for faith-infused activities
  • Community service and volunteering in the community that is linked to your daily prayers as a family
  • Informal discussions about gratitude, faith, the gifts you and your children are given
  • Worship and prayer through sacred music, choirs, and learning instruments together
 
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Part 2…

In sum, please don’t feel your ability to impart the Catholic faith need be limited to Church and school–though these are two great ways to raise children faithfully. I can guarantee with your conscious effort to catechize your children, and your obvious devotion to sharing your love of God with them, that your evangelization efforts will be more organized, personally meaningful, and credible than the witness provided by your ex. It is terribly difficult to withstand a daily, incremental, meaningful testimony of love when it comes to faith formation.

I wish you every success as you enter this next phase of your settlement, and please be assured of my most heartfelt prayers. You are a wonderful mother, you have been hit with a burden that you in no way deserve, and you are doing admirably.

With that in mind, I hope you feel more empowered to mother your children the way you always intended to, and to secure your parental rights and your children’s best interests next week.

God bless, and good luck!!! Reach out ANYTIME by PM if you feel the need, or if you are concerned that communicating your strategy on a public forum could in any way compromise your proceedings. You have a friendly ally here.

PS. One more thought here to further undermine the argument in support to week on/week off arrangements. A 2/3/2 split is much more common for young children to minimize separation from either parent. Pending logistics and your children’s innate temperaments and preferences, if you can cooperate to ensure the children have time with both parents every day, or every other day, so much the better.

If his argument is that week on/week off minimizes potentially conflictual parenting exchanges between you, exchanges can be coordinated at the beginning/end of school days through the school to minimize your interactions with each other. Just a thought. Parents should bear the burden of managing their emotions and indiscretions (finger pointing squarely at him); it shouldn’t be up to your children to sacrifice personal emotional well-being to buffer their father’s emotional wants.
 
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