My now homosexual husband wants custody

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BlueEyedLadies said:
but clearly this man did not abandon his kids and in fact did what too many men fail to do - he fought in court for equal parenting time and access.
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Pity we’re not all so eager to defend marriage as we are to semi-excuse abandonment.

Walking out of his marriage is a form of abandonment.

So he was gay. Boo hoo…He made a decision to get married. And have kids. It’s like feeling sorry for priests who went into the priesthood thinking that the celibacy rule would be removed.

Screwing up his kids lives to go live with a man is abandonment. I don’t wish it on anyone as a matter of fact. I just see it for what it is.
 
If that’s the case, they’ll grow up and see that. But being a lousy spouse doesn’t mean you have no right to your children, or them to you. The kids deserve to grow up in a loving, stable home. Instead of making the best if a bad situation, you’re advising the OP to try to irreparably harm parent-child relationship. The people who will suffer the most from that is the kids.

I get your perspective since you didn’t have a dad. I really do. It doesn’t seem like a huge loss to you. But once you witness the relationship firsthand, you really get that dads are every bit as much family and as much parents as moms are. The relationship a father has with his children is separate and unique from the one he has with his wife. Fatherhood is not dependent on marriage, just as a divorced or single woman is no less a mother than a married woman is. Abuse aside, the vast majority of people with subpar parents would still rather have that situation than no parent(s) at all.

Someday, this man will tell his children his side of the story. He’ll sit them down with tears in his eyes and talk about how years of uncertainty and self-loathing. He’ll talk about loving their mom, and their friendship, and how breaking her heart and splitting up the family was one of the hardest decisions he ever had to make. He’ll talk about how he isn’t perfect, and he’ll probably end with something along the lines of “I would regret it, but it gave me my two children, who I love so much and am so proud of.” They’ll see that he was wrong and made plenty of mistakes. But, after years of joint parenting, being there for them, fighting in court for them, their mother’s accusation of abandonment will sound a lot more bitter and manipulative than accurate. From everything on this thread, he’s a committed father.

He’s their dad. She has to love her children and respect their right to have a close, loving relationship with their father and paternal family. Not only is it best for them, it’s the only hope she has of healing herself.
 
BlueEyedLadies said:
Someday, this man will tell his children his side of the story. He’ll sit them down with tears in his eyes and talk about how years of uncertainty and self-loathing. He’ll talk about loving their mom, and their friendship, and how breaking her heart and splitting up the family was one of the hardest decisions he ever had to make. He’ll talk about how he isn’t perfect, and he’ll probably end with something along the lines of “I would regret it, but it gave me my two children, who I love so much and am so proud of.” They’ll see that he was wrong and made plenty of mistakes. But, after years of joint parenting, being there for them, fighting in court for them, their mother’s accusation of abandonment will sound a lot more bitter and manipulative than accurate. From everything on this thread, he’s a committed father.
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We hope so. But personally I think that’s rather optimistic.

Look, I don’t think she should set her kids against their dad. I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. Perhaps I allowed my personal experience to get in the way of clarity. I just think when they’re older, she shouldn’t hesitate to tell the truth.
 
I’m not sure it’s any better for children after the age of 18 though.
 
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It isn’t great. At least an 18 year old is not subject to the custodial battles the same way a minor is though.
 
Exactly. Kids have often expressed feeling somehow partially responsible for family break ups. It’s an insidious thing.
 
I don’t think you can separate fatherhood from family, or how a man treats his wife.

Gay or not, he abandoned her for another person. That is something he did TO the OP. That is harsh, that is cruel. I’m not sure what the right answer is, but this is how he treated THEIR MOTHER. He is continuing his cruelty by breaking even more promises, and not continuing to support her raising them in the Catholic faith, but inserting another faith in the mix.

While he goes on merrily with his new wealthy spouse, she is left impoverished. Let that sink in. She likely cared for his children at the expense of her own career development, and he left her impoverished for a wealthier spouse. As far as the children go, he will then hold cards for their affection, in him being able to provide for them in a way she cannot. If my dad had left my mom for anyone, but in particular a wealtheir person, and left her impoverished while he was living the good life, I don’t think I could think positively of him.

“good” fathers do not act like this. A good father would understand his children’s affection for their mother, and not put her in this terrible situation. He had a chance to throw her a bone - raising the kids Catholic, and he couldn’t even do that for her. He had to take it all.

Yes, it is likely better he remains in their lives, and contributes to their upbringing. But in no way should the OP’s pain at abandonment of her marriage vows and her family life be construed as “bitter and manipulative”. The best he can say is “I treated your mother horribly, I am sorry, and I ask for forgiveness, both yours and hers”. Then, he could say “You are being raised in the Catholic faith, because this was a promise I made, although I no longer believe, particularity the church’s stance against gay marriage, I thought I could at least do this for your mom, since it was so important to her” .The problem is he does not seem to be acting even a little sorry.

Of course, she can try to heal by “moving on”, but that is much harder with the financial situation he has left her in. Her recovery will not look like his. And remember, he has gained the life style he wants, and she is trying to rebuild what was lost. There is a difference.
 
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AdamP88 said:
Screwing up his kids lives to go live with a man is abandonment. I don’t wish it on anyone as a matter of fact. I just see it for what it is.
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Another issue to consider is that young kids today are growing up in a generation that is much more willing to accept differences in people, particularly when it comes to race, religion, and gender/human sexuality issues. It is a cultural swing, and unless one keeps their kids as hermits until they mature to adulthood, none of these kids are exempt. Personally, I think it is a wonderful thing because I am older and grew up when people thought and said terribly divisive things about others who weren’t “just like them”. Anyhow, these kids potentially will be far more accepting and understanding of the things their father did. Who knows, by the time they are full grown science may have handed us the answer with regards to what causes homosexuality. I realize many people believe the dad in this case should have just sucked it up and stayed in the marriage. On the other hand, others would say it is a terribly unhealthy thing to do and that sort of emotional unhealthiness can inadvertently trickle down to the kids involved.
 
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at this point, I doubt the OP is still reading this…
But, if she still is, and if the court order goes into effect, I have doubts about your husband’s commitment to his ‘rights’.

Meaning, if he leads his life, and you lead yours, just as you are, the kids may become a hindrance to him. Not that he won’t love them, but, especially, if his ‘marriage’ doesn’t last, he will appreciate time away from them, and let you take over ‘his’ time, more and more.

This isn’t a perfect solution; they’ll miss their Dad. But, the more they stay away, the more time you will have with them. And, the more likely they’ll embrace your religion and your values.

Just bide your time, wait, pray, and you just may end up having your kids most of the time! It happens often with ‘normal’ divorces, so why not yours?

Things seem bleak now, but prayer matters, and our Lord has a way of getting his way…when it’s the right way!

Are your kids going to be able to receive their sacraments? Does the Unitarian church your ex goes to have any of their own? Speak to your priest, lawyer, and your ex (not necessarily in that order). I hope your priest allows them to, as the UU has very few rules to belong. And, don’t wait to get into a fight with your ex, his partner, or definitely not with his lawyer! Just bring it up in a matter-of-fact way!

Hoping for the best for all of you…especially these kids
 
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