My parents want me to date women with at least a college degree

[mommamia]

OK, this is what they said. Bear with me, because it may come off as a bit offensive to some. To paraphrase it, they basically said that they didn’t raise me up and pay for my education for me to marry someone who doesn’t even have a college degree. They think the girl is trying to get a free ride or something. Like I said though, this is what my parents think, not what I think. You have to understand though, that they have worked really hard to get where they are and to get me to where I am, and they only want the best for me. That said, I still think their characterization is unfair, so much so I’m now afraid to tell them about any girl I date who doesn’t have a 4-year college degree. What they don’t know can’t hurt them, right?

So, they think she would marry you for money.

What if she has an associates degree in nursing? Or medical technology? I’m pretty sure (at least in this area) that she would make more money than if she had a masters degree in teaching.

I think you should marry someone you love, that loves you, and who you can spend your life with happily. If you want a woman to stay home and care for you and your children, then it doesn’t really matter what kind of degree she has, does it? If you are looking for someone to work full time, even after kids, then I guess it does matter a little.

I would be upset if my son brought home a highschool dropout, I admit Now, there may be extenuating circumstances that may change my mind, but mostly I doubt I would be happy. I would also be unhappy if he brought home some of the students I have taught and met at our local (good) university. Some of them are quite dumb, lazy and whiny.

BTW, in my household I have the degree, but dh makes the money.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I agree that this is where they are coming from. I assume that the girls you meet and date are working, that they have some sort of conversation or attraction other than the physical.

At your age, I wouldn’t feel that I could only date where my parents approved, but I do think their advice has some merit. As you said, they worked hard for what they have and what they were able to give you. They are trying to point you in the direction of a woman who has worked just as hard. They are defining that as college, but you could also put another major accomplishment in that spot–as Whatever Girl described–a family business, art or sport, charity work, etc.

*I see, BadTurkey…I sort of ‘thought’ that was where they were coming from. To me, it would depend on what the girl has been doing with her life in the interim. If she was sitting around doing nothing, not going to college, not holding a decent job…graduated high school in hopes of finding a guy to take care of her, I would not be happy if my son brought home a girl like this. However, if she opted out of college because she decided to work in the family business, or went right into the business world after high school, or she became a missionary, feeding the homeless, climbing mount everest, training for a marathon…or was considering religious life at one point…(fill in the blank with another option)…I would have a different opinion.

But, I wouldn’t want EITHER my son or daughter to marry someone who didn’t have any direction, or ambition, indepedent of meeting a potential spouse. Considering you have your masters, you are probably older than 22 at this point? So, if you did meet a girl around your age…or even older someday…it would be odd if she had done nothing in those years after high school, and was just lingering around waiting for life to come her way.

A person doesn’t have to go to college, but they do need to do something productive after high school…I don’t want my own daughter or son sitting around, doing nothing with their lives…if they were not going to attend college. They need to use their lives in the direction God places them…that doesn’t necessarily mean college for all people. *

 

[Mrs_Sally]

That would be the difference in our views on the world. When I was in college I saw many people that were to lazy to apply themselves to their course work. Given the amount of time, money and resources going into their education I viewed their laziness as just another degree of stupidity.

I know many “smart” people that didn’t go to college but went to votech instead. Men (and women) that are now running their own businesses as plumbers, electricians and mechanics that make a better living than many lawyers and accountants.

No, laziness is worse than stupidity (in the sense of mental ability). If you are smart enough to do the work and just can’t get off your butt to apply yourself, then I believe that to be down right sinful.

Being smart and going to college are not necessarily the same thing either. As you say, there are many people running their own businesses and being successful who did not get a college degree.

What I am talking about is more the former though. Kids who aren’t applying themselves to either school work or a vocational track because they just want to play sports and watch TV.

 

[ahollars]

This whole thread smacks of arrogance.

Unless you have a master’s degree or higher, the only thing an AA, AS, BA, or BS proves is that you can regurgitate whatever a professor tells you, and I am proof of that. College is nothing more than adulthood delayed for four more years, while students learn nothing new from high school, get judged on a slightly stricter scale, and act like teens all over again with the freedom of adults. It does nothing for intelligence or expertise, and I have seen too many people with degrees who had no common sense at all. People automatically assume that I have one because of the way I carry myself, the lifestyle that I can afford my wife and 5 kids, and the things in life that interest me. Imagine the look on people’s faces when I tell them I only have 42 credit hours, but I’m a 7-year Army veteran.

The biggest reason most people don’t go to college has nothing to do with intelligence. The biggest deterrence is finances. I didn’t go because I wasn’t smarter than the valedictorians who got free rides (even though I did graduate in the top 10% of my class and rocked the ACT with a 27). I chose the Army, because I didn’t want to stay at home working as a journeyman. Fast forward 10 years, and the people who gave the speeches at graduation were nowhere to be found at the reunion. Looking good on paper versus being marketable and effective are two different things.

A degree means nothing in terms of dating, marriage, or parenthood. Tell your parents, “thanks, I love you, but let it go.”

From Space Cowboys

“Excuse me, I hold 2 Masters degrees from MIT.”

“Maybe you should try to get your money back!”

 

[Mrs_Sally]

OK, hypothetical situation. Yes, hypothetical.

Let’s say there’s this girl. After high school, she went to community college for 2 years, but did not get an Associate’s degree for some reason. After that, she worked somewhere in the industry she wanted to work in for some time, but quit b/c the hours were really bad. Now she’s working in the service industry, and she no longer wants to go back to the industry she had previously wanted to work in. When I asked her if she has plans to go back to college, she said no, for a couple of reasons. One is that she didn’t really enjoy college, and the other is that she doesn’t have the time and resources to go back. The second reason I’m OK with, but I’m kind of taking issue with the first one. It just seemed to me that she doesn’t have a lot of ambition and she doesn’t really have a lot of direction in life. She’s 24, by the way.

Yes, completely hypothetical.

HA!

Sounds completely NOT hypothetical.

In that case I would say that she doesn’t have a lot of ambition or even too much caution. The service industry in general is not doing well in today’s economy and is never really a very secure route of employment. Again, unless she has an extraordinary skill–a master plumber as someone said, or maybe the best chef in town–she’s not going to find her employment prospects too secure.

But, we don’t necessarily look for the same things in a spouse as we do in an employee. So the next questions are: is she a faithful Catholic, does she embody the virtues (prudence, moderation, fortitude, etc.), does she share your interests, is she interesting to talk too and interested in things around her?

Find out more about what she didn’t like about college. Where she was in school, her major, the required courses, what? College can be accomplished in many different ways now with online courses, community college, and credit for ‘life experiences’.

If you are serious about this woman and the one obstacle is that she doesn’t have a 4 year degree, you two can put together a plan for her to start working towards it now and finish it after you are married.

The bigger question with this hypothetical woman, is what are her goals, dreams, aspirations? Does she have the drive to work toward them?

 

[SamH]

OK, hypothetical situation. Yes, hypothetical.

Let’s say there’s this girl. After high school, she went to community college for 2 years, but did not get an Associate’s degree for some reason. After that, she worked somewhere in the industry she wanted to work in for some time, but quit b/c the hours were really bad. Now she’s working in the service industry, and she no longer wants to go back to the industry she had previously wanted to work in. When I asked her if she has plans to go back to college, she said no, for a couple of reasons. One is that she didn’t really enjoy college, and the other is that she doesn’t have the time and resources to go back. The second reason I’m OK with, but I’m kind of taking issue with the first one. It just seemed to me that she doesn’t have a lot of ambition and she doesn’t really have a lot of direction in life. She’s 24, by the way.

Yes, completely hypothetical.

I don’t think the issue is “a girl that didn’t graduate fron college”, I think their issue (hypotherically of course) this girl that can’t hold a job for long or know what she wants to do in life. Until she knows I wouldn’t get to serious, you wouldn’t want your relationship to be just another bad decision she made while trying to find herself, hypotherically of course.

 

[whatevergirl]

This whole thread smacks of arrogance.

Unless you have a master’s degree or higher, the only thing an AA, AS, BA, or BS proves is that you can regurgitate whatever a professor tells you, and I am proof of that. College is nothing more than adulthood delayed for four more years, while students learn nothing new from high school, get judged on a slightly stricter scale, and act like teens all over again with the freedom of adults. It does nothing for intelligence or expertise, and I have seen too many people with degrees who had no common sense at all. People automatically assume that I have one because of the way I carry myself, the lifestyle that I can afford my wife and 5 kids, and the things in life that interest me. Imagine the look on people’s faces when I tell them I only have 42 credit hours, but I’m a 7-year Army veteran.

The biggest reason most people don’t go to college has nothing to do with intelligence. The biggest deterrence is finances. I didn’t go because I wasn’t smarter than the valedictorians who got free rides (even though I did graduate in the top 10% of my class and rocked the ACT with a 27). I chose the Army, because I didn’t want to stay at home working as a journeyman. Fast forward 10 years, and the people who gave the speeches at graduation were nowhere to be found at the reunion. Looking good on paper versus being marketable and effective are two different things.

A degree means nothing in terms of dating, marriage, or parenthood. Tell your parents, “thanks, I love you, but let it go.”

From Space Cowboys

“Excuse me, I hold 2 Masters degrees from MIT.”

“Maybe you should try to get your money back!”

*(bolded for emphasis, mine)

Not to go off topic, but, I agree that a degree (BA) doesn’t guarantee anything in life…but there are many kids who go to school, work hard, take their studies seriously…and graduating should be looked at as an accomplishment, for them. Many kids party their 4 years away…or are on the 6 year plan…but, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t just as many kids who take it seriously and work hard. Not all colleges are extensions of high school. I just think that you generalize college grads a bit too much and just because you think that of college, doesn’t mean all kids treat college like putting off adulthood. I think there are cases to be made for what you say, but there are a lot of hard working college students out there…making a commitment to getting their degrees, and they should be commended, not put down.

If someone chooses to not go to college, it’s not a must for everyone…many people thrive without college degrees…sometimes, moreso than people with degrees! But, I just wanted to say…there are many kids working hard out there and they 'take their studies seriously. *

 

[whatevergirl]

*BadTurkey, above all…look at the contents of a woman’s heart…her faith…her commitment to Christ. Degrees, no degrees, jobs, etc…those are important in the sense that it shows ambition, independence and so forth, and I commend people who take their studies seriously, just like I commend someone who didn’t go to college, and worked hard right out of high school.

But, above it all…should be God. If you find a God-centered young woman to share your life with, that is what matters most. *

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Imagine the look on people’s faces when I tell them I only have 42 credit hours, but I’m a 7-year Army veteran

Ahollars, you mentioned the one big exception I would make to the general rule. (While, I completely agree that finishing college is no guarantee of anything, it is most often a huge indicator of someone who starts and finishes something and during that time broadens horizons and hopefully has to exert some discipline and self control and do it without mommy and daddy (or a CO) standing over their shoulder.) In short it can be a very important time of maturation.

But joining the military (thank you for your service!) is also something where you get an education in skills, technology and many other things that make the recruit grow up quickly and in that respect, I’d probably count military service as equal to or surpassing a degree in terms of what is learned. (Provided it’s a good, clean service record and not 4 years in the brig.)

 

[whatevergirl]

*I think actually being in the service would be harder…especially training camp. I agree Liberano, if nothing else, it shows someone stuck to a commitment to study, get the degree…and hopefully, in that time period grew. I would never say it’s a waste of time. I would say that there are other effective ways, to growing and maturing, too…like the service…or getting a job that you commit to right out of high school. I’m opposed to girls or guys just doing nothing after high school, no direction, just meandering around…whether you’re college bound, or not…go forth and be productive.

 

[ahollars]

Ahollars, you mentioned the one big exception I would make to the general rule. (While, I completely agree that finishing college is no guarantee of anything, it is most often a huge indicator of someone who starts and finishes something and during that time broadens horizons and hopefully has to exert some discipline and self control and do it without mommy and daddy (or a CO) standing over their shoulder.) In short it can be a very important time of maturation.

But joining the military (thank you for your service!) is also something where you get an education in skills, technology and many other things that make the recruit grow up quickly and in that respect, I’d probably count military service as equal to or surpassing a degree in terms of what is learned. (Provided it’s a good, clean service record and not 4 years in the brig.)

Thank my wife. She’s the disabled one.

Yeah, I was sarcastic in some of my post, but I do believe that people who believe that a degree is a deal breaker are not looking at the big picture. College used to mean prestige everywhere, but now, most state schools, and some private schools, have sold themselves out to the profits of athletics. Many students don’t like the idea of unemployment after graduating, only to have the bill for the student loans arrive. That doesn’t make them quitters. If anything, they are thinking ahead and being careful, but to know that, someone would have to ask.

In the classes I did take, my professors knew right away I had lived more than my classmates, but it was frustrating to have to do those assignments when I already knew the material. Half the time I didn’t, and I managed to CLEP my way passed 5 classes. I think life as an adult is just as educating, at least when it comes to the arts side of education. The sciences can be learned through work experience in the same manner. Unfortunately, for me, many people in society do not see it that way, and so I am finishing school, just to get a raise at work. That doesn’t even make sense from a business standpoint. Go figure.

In the case of the OP, a difference of life experience isn’t something to worry about. If anything, ambition in many people isn’t necessary a good thing. Formal education doesn’t equal experience, or ambition, or intelligence, and yet, neither does it mean good fortune. It is case by case. Similarly, a lack of formal education does not mean uneducated. That is also case by case. If she’s a good Catholic, then bring the happy girl home. That’s the best indicator of how things will be. They’ll get over it.

 

[BadTurkey]

This whole thread smacks of arrogance.

That is not my intention. If it came off that way, I apologize.

Unless you have a master’s degree or higher, the only thing an AA, AS, BA, or BS proves is that you can regurgitate whatever a professor tells you, and I am proof of that.

I do have a Master’s degree.

Tell your parents, “thanks, I love you, but let it go.”

I have. Trust me, it wasn’t a pretty sight.

From Space Cowboys

“Excuse me, I hold 2 Masters degrees from MIT.”

“Maybe you should try to get your money back!”

The 2nd Master’s I’m trying to get may very well come from MIT.

And to answer some of the other posters, no, I don’t do everything my parents tell me when it comes to dating; in fact, I rarely tell them anything. That said, I respect their opinions, and I take what they say into consideration, because more often than not, I hate to admit, they have been right in the past, and they do have my best interests at heart.

 

[rayne89]

Just to stir the pot a little more. Here’s an interesting John Stossel report on whether or not college is worth it.
youtube.com/watch?v=Nl_24uSPedM

 

[sharmin]

A college degree won’t be worth the paper it’s written on if she doesn’t use it for 20 years while staying home with her children and tending to the family & home.

Most college educated women don’t put their careers on hold for 20 years though!

 

[dulcissima]

Most college educated women don’t put their careers on hold for 20 years though!

I put mine on hold for 13 years to be a stay at home mom. Despite the big gap in my employment history, I was able to get a decent job when I needed one, thanks largely to my degree.

 

[sharmin]

That is awesome. Good for you!

 

[ahoyhoy]

Most college educated women don’t put their careers on hold for 20 years though!

Well, most college-educated women went to college mainly to meet men who could support them and their future children for the next 20 years.

Or so I’ve heard.

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, most college-educated women went to college mainly to meet men who could support them and their future children for the next 20 years.

Or so I’ve heard.

*Think you’ve heard wrong. Some might, but I wouldn’t say ‘most.’ *

 

[CountrySinger]

Well, most college-educated women went to college mainly to meet men who could support them and their future children for the next 20 years.

Or so I’ve heard.

Not all women who went to college are looking for men to provide for them. I went to college so I could provide for myself. If I had met someone, great, but if not, I could pay my bills. College was a growing experience for me. I forced me out of my small hometown (I also was painfully shy) and meet new people. I’m not the same person I was when I entered college.
Since I can provide for myself, marriage is beyond a financial transaction. Unlike my friends, who married for money and wanted to see the man’s paycheck before marrying.

Edited because I’m typing on my phone.

 

[sharmin]

Well, most college-educated women went to college mainly to meet men who could support them and their future children for the next 20 years.

Or so I’ve heard.

Really? I’ve never heard that! LOL Well, I guess it’s all anecdotal…including my own comments.