My partner's sexual past --- How do I find closure? ADVICE!?

[domer]

The main point here is where do you go from here. You are reacting to something she did before she was with you, but you are doing things to her now after you’re together. If I were you I would just be careful about where you take this. It is certainly possible for you to destroy her sense of safety with you and trust in you.

You have to decide if you want to be with this woman or not. She can’t change her past. You have no choice but to accept her as she is, or leave her. She has the same choice of whether she wants to be with a man who reacts this way or not.

If I were you, I’d step away from this situation for a few weeks and see how you feel then. Things you say to her now, in your moment of anger/drunkenness/jealousy can have permanent and possibly fatal consequences for your relationship. Your best bet in working this out is not in asking her the details about her sexual conduct (I am guessing that you’re like my ex and really asked the kind of sex acts she did with the guys?), but with a counselor.

I know. You’re right. The details aren’t helping. But without them would I say “Hmmm… what REALLY happened here?” I’m the type of person who would be tormented by that. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

A counselor/priest is definitely on the agenda. I think the priest moreso if we do decide to get married.

Everyone, I really think this is helping me. Some of you disagree with me, but I don’t know, I feel like I’m getting something therapeutic out of this.

 

[domer]

" admit it took “booze in me” to bring it up. If it takes alcohol to help you approach difficult or painful subjects, that is highly concerning. "

Beyond that, I still maintain she owes you nothing about her past history. I’d say the exact same thing if she were in your shoes. The past is the past. You can’t change her mistakes and she can’t change yours, so there’s no sense in dwelling on them. But, I do agree with a previous poster who said by focusing on something you can’t change, you could lose a wonderful woman. That could haunt you far longer than her past transgressions.

I know the alcohol isn’t right. It’s a scape goat. I don’t condone it, I’m just saying what happened. But I am glad that you’re are rightfully concerned about it, because you do seem genuinely concerned with me.

The past is the past. I guess that’s something I need to understand a little better.

 

[flyingfish]

I know. You’re right. The details aren’t helping. But without them would I say “Hmmm… what REALLY happened here?” I’m the type of person who would be tormented by that. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I don’t know the answer to that. I know that my ex asked me the very intimate details, like which kinds of sex acts and how many times. He later said he regretted ever asking that, and wished he hadn’t. It was a trying time for us, that involved a lot of crying, me not feeling safe with him and feeling that there was no way out of it.

I am guessing you knew your girlfriend wasn’t a virgin before she told you this, right?

Consider that you might be getting caught up in this storm of jealousy, insecurity, wounded pride and so on. If you knew she wasn’t a virgin, and you know what sex entails do you really need to know the details? Stop yourself for now, you can always come back to these questions later if you wish to. Right now you are not thinking clearly about this and are too overcome by your emotions. Take your girlfriend out to a movie, have fun with her, don’t bring this up for a while and see how you feel then.

 

[Norseman82]

OK, you want to know how to move on, maybe - MAYBE - this can help put it into perspective.

My question to her was “WHY?”

Did you ever consider she may be asking the same of you? You may be concerned that she doesn’t have as firm a foundation as you in Catholic education or that she may have shown poor judgment and that the “old her” may return, but what about you - with all your Catholic education and family upbringing, you consciously made a decision to throw it all away and commit mortal sin. What kind of judgment is that on YOUR part?

Look, it’s not like you are a virgin yourself who is being “cheated”; according to your initial post, you had a sexual past. You really can’t hang her past over her head, because you have a past that she can likewise hang over your head. In that sense, you are both equal and may be able to relate to each other, and thus help each other in your struggles.

Also, you made a reference to praying together at night. Are youse two cohabitating?

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

Domer: I mean absolutely no disrespect here, but what do you hope for a priest and/or counselor to accomplish? That is, are you trying to understand why the girl you love has done the things she’s done or are you trying to understand why you’re so angry/jealous…or both? I know you want to know more, etc. but perhaps you both would be better served (at least initially) if you approached such counseling on an individual basis. I honestly can’t see much good coming from your girlfriend reliving these things in counseling while you sit there and listen. A counselor (priest or otherwise) is going to be impartial; you will not be, no matter how hard you try. The last thing you want is for your girlfriend to be feel further hurt and/or judged.

 

[domer]

I don’t know the answer to that. I know that my ex asked me the very intimate details, like which kinds of sex acts and how many times. He later said he regretted ever asking that, and wished he hadn’t. It was a trying time for us, that involved a lot of crying, me not feeling safe with him and feeling that there was no way out of it.

I am guessing you knew your girlfriend wasn’t a virgin before she told you this, right?

Consider that you might be getting caught up in this storm of jealousy, insecurity, wounded pride and so on. If you knew she wasn’t a virgin, and you know what sex entails do you really need to know the details? Stop yourself for now, you can always come back to these questions later if you wish to. Right now you are not thinking clearly about this and are too overcome by your emotions. Take your girlfriend out to a movie, have fun with her, don’t bring this up for a while and see how you feel then.

I agree. She’s being so good. I’ve been apologizing to her for my rudeness as much as she’s apologized to me. Except she doesn’t owe me an apology. I just want us to be beside each other, with Jesus, in these trying times.

 

[Wampa]

OP, I feel for you. I’ve been through a very similar process myself. I know how your intellectual side, which knows you should just let it go and you are just as sinful, conflicts with your emotional side, which can’t stop thinking about it. Heck, my story is from 8 years ago, I haven’t spoken to the lady in 7 years, I have a wonderful wife of 4 years, and I still occasionally have a jab of pain when I think of it

The feelings might never go away fully. I can only suggest what others have: pray, go to reconciliation, and make sure the two of you abstain until marriage. With time and God’s power, you will get past it (though you may still think of it and wince a little, you will get functionally past it).

She never realized it could hurt somebody so much that she loves so much.

This is a powerful point that people don’t realize when they engage in pre-marital sex. When I have the good fortune to speak to some who is saving themselves for marriage, I always make sure to point out that they are saving their future spouse from a lot of pain!

My best wishes to you and your lady. Stick with it and trust in Jesus and his Church!

 

[Nec5]

Plus, dude, she’s a woman. She doesn’t analyze everything she does before she does it. She acted on emotion…

I realize it makes me a horrible misogynist, terribly insensitive, and Simone de Beauvoir and Jane Austen will hate me forever, but

I’ll drink to that.

On a more serious note. It sounds like you both have major (sex is major) and repeated screw ups in the past. A long, frank and brutally unromantic conversation about both of your pasts seems long overdue. When it comes to relationships, talk is cheap but not talking is expensive.

 

[flyingfish]

I agree. She’s being so good. I’ve been apologizing to her for my rudeness as much as she’s apologized to me. Except she doesn’t owe me an apology. I just want us to be beside each other, with Jesus, in these trying times.

Another thing you really need to realize is that your girlfriend was raped, and she recently told you this. In telling you this, she may have been looking to you to react protectively towards her as a man should. I don’t know how you reacted, but it is being overshadowed by you asking her details about her sexual past instead of focusing more on concern for her having been raped.

 

[domer]

OK, you want to know how to move on, maybe - MAYBE - this can help put it into perspective.

Did you ever consider she may be asking the same of you? You may be concerned that she doesn’t have as firm a foundation as you in Catholic education or that she may have shown poor judgment, but what about you - with all your Catholic education and family upbringing, you consciously made a decision to throw it all away and commit mortal sin. What kind of judgment is that on YOUR part?

Look, it’s not like you are a virgin yourself who is being “cheated”; according to your initial post, you had a sexual past. You really can’t hang her past over her head, because you have a past that she can likewise hang over your head. In that sense, you are both equal and may be able to relate to each other, and thus help each other in your struggles.

Also, you made a reference to praying together at night (or something similar). Are youse two cohabitating?

I know I have my sins and my sexual past. She doesn’t view mine as bad as hers. But I know I still have my past, along with my Catholic upbringing.

She lives with her mom about 15 minutes away. She does spend the night on a regular. Another thing I want to cut out (like we already did with the sex).

 

[kage_ar]

I agree. She’s being so good. I’ve been apologizing to her for my rudeness as much as she’s apologized to me. Except she doesn’t owe me an apology. I just want us to be beside each other, with Jesus, in these trying times.

Then go to your Adoration Chapel now and get down on your face before Jesus. There is nothing like Adoration.

 

[Norseman82]

On a more serious note. It sounds like you both have major (sex is major) and repeated screw ups in the past. A long, frank and brutally unromantic conversation about both of your pasts seems long overdue. When it comes to relationships, talk is cheap but not talking is expensive.

Well, when you look at it that way, I guess it is better to deal with it now than after marriage.

 

[humble_maid]

Your future spouse has a right to know if you are a virgin or not, if you have any STDS, if you have any children and that is IT. Never ask for the details, not one bit of good ever comes from hearing the details of someone else’s sins.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Another thing you really need to realize is that your girlfriend was raped, and she recently told you this. In telling you this, she may have been looking to you to react protectively towards her as a man should. I don’t know how you reacted, but it is being overshadowed by you asking her details about her sexual past instead of focusing more on concern for her having been raped.

This.

In my opinion you had more opportunities for grace than your gf did. You also didn’t have the trauma of a rape.

Premarital sex in a relationship is no more holy or more acceptable than a one-night stand. It really isn’t. It might sound more acceptable or responsible or less wrong, but when all is said and done it’s just as wrong. And given that you had a Catholic education and she didn’t, I’d say that your actions were more wrong–you knew why it was wrong and she may not have.

If you guys want to move on then stop focusing on her past as being any worse than yours and get rid of the idea that you are going to have a perfect wife. If there was the perfect wife how do you know that you’d be her perfect husband? You both have baggage and you both need to work on it.

Go to confession and for goodness’ sake apologize to your girlfriend. You owe her a heartfelt apology. Your analogy about “why would you do that?” being yelled at you by your parents is faulty–she is not your child. She’s an adult who was confiding you and you should have treated her confidence with respect.

If you can’t move past her past, then you need to let her go, but if you love her and feel that you can eventually get to the point where you will NEVER hold this over her, then move forward.

I’ll be praying for you both…

KG

 

[Rascalking]

I’ll be praying for you both…

KG

Kevinsgirl, that was the best way to end the night for me and go back to reading!

That rocked!

 

[BrokenFortress]

This.

In my opinion you had more opportunities for grace than your gf did. You also didn’t have the trauma of a rape.

Premarital sex in a relationship is no more holy or more acceptable than a one-night stand. It really isn’t. It might sound more acceptable or responsible or less wrong, but when all is said and done it’s just as wrong. And given that you had a Catholic education and she didn’t, I’d say that your actions were more wrong–you knew why it was wrong and she may not have.

If you guys want to move on then stop focusing on her past as being any worse than yours and get rid of the idea that you are going to have a perfect wife. If there was the perfect wife how do you know that you’d be her perfect husband? You both have baggage and you both need to work on it.

Go to confession and for goodness’ sake apologize to your girlfriend. You owe her a heartfelt apology. Your analogy about “why would you do that?” being yelled at you by your parents is faulty–she is not your child. She’s an adult who was confiding you and you should have treated her confidence with respect.

If you can’t move past her past, then you need to let her go, but if you love her and feel that you can eventually get to the point where you will NEVER hold this over her, then move forward.

I’ll be praying for you both…

KG

This was exactly what I was thinking in reading this. Her sin is not worse than yours. You both sinned. Why focus on hers but not your own? If you’re thinking why did she do it? Think instead of your own sin and pray for forgiveness. She acted without knowing it was sin because she didn’t grow up with a Christian upbringing. You acted knowing it was wrong. How is her sin worse than yours?

Focusing on who’s worse will not get you anywhere. There’s a reason why this passage is in the Bible: Matthew 7:3-5 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

And get going to Confession! You’re supposed to go at least once a year. I’m a relatively new Catholic convert, so I of all people know how hard it is. But it’s necessary. And besides, the priest may be able to give you some advice on the issue.

I hope I didn’t come across as harsh. But I really just think you need to move on from focusing on her sin when you acted the same way. If you can’t forgive her, then you’d have to move on. But that would have to be with knowing that you’ve sinned as well. Hopefully you can learn to love her for who she is. We all sin. We all make mistakes. But if God can forgive us, we need to forgive one another.

 

[Student09]

Another thing you really need to realize is that your girlfriend was raped, and she recently told you this. In telling you this, she may have been looking to you to react protectively towards her as a man should. I don’t know how you reacted, but it is being overshadowed by you asking her details about her sexual past instead of focusing more on concern for her having been raped.

Well, I am glad SOMEONE mentioned this. Do you have any concern at all for her having been raped?

And by the way, it is very common for someone who has been raped to act out sexually afterward as a response to the trauma. Ask any psychiatrist.

 

[dbmus]

I disagree with those that say you have no business knowing a partner’s sexual past. Sins have consequences even when they’ve been forgiven. There are the obvious consequences to sex like children and STD’s. But there are also spiritual and emotional consequences. This is why premarital sex is so destructive. When two people have sex their souls become connected. The two become one. When you have multiple partners little bits of your soul get left behind with all those people, and you take bits of them with you. You need serious counseling and healing for this. Both of you do.

Secondly premarital sex is very painful for the current partner/spouse because even though it may have happened before they knew each other no one ever has any business having sex with anyone other than their spouse. It hurts because it feels like: He/She didn’t love me enough to wait.
I think that is the greatest reason for saving sex for marriage - out of love for your future spouse.
I do think that spouses need to forgive each other’s sexual pasts precisely because they are hurt by them.

Now as to why she did it: you gave plenty of reasons. She wasn’t brought up to know it was wrong, she was looking for love and figured (like many young women do) that she could get it by giving sex.
Why did you have premarital sex? Why does your girlfriend continue to spend the night?
I’m guessing neither of you really knew the consequences of your actions and are now just discovering how very real those consequences are and how much pain they cause. Allow the suffering to make you better people and get counseling from a good Christian counselor.

 

[NEWCATHOLICJEFF]

OK, I’m going to sound like a jerk here, but I genuinely believe you need to hear this: You need to grow up. You’re ashamed of your girlfriend for being honest with you? What do you think marriage is made of? I understand your values growing up were very different; I get it. Here’s the thing, though: She told you the truth because she (clearly) loves you and didn’t want to be dishonest about it. And you’re questioning her morals? There are a LOT of women who would look you in the eye, smile and tell you exactly what you wanted to hear. A lot. So, don’t think that the little girl in the pew next to you reciting her Rosary couldn’t have her own checkered past; she might. And, guess what? Unless she has a disease or a child someplace, she likely isn’t morally obligated to share that information with you – future spouse or no. Why? If it’s forgiven in the Confessional, then it’s no different than any other mortal sin (missing Mass, etc.) Would you really expect a future spouse to tell you every time she missed Mass or took the Eucharist when she wasn’t worthy? How you can sit there and speak of your own morals while judging this girl is beyond me.She didn’t sin against you! She sinned against God and the people she engaged in sexual acts with. The only way your forgiveness would apply is if you two had been married when this happened. It didn’t. The fact is, you too have fallen short of God’s law. It wasn’t just “one time” with you, either, so you need to drop your holier-than-thou routine. And, are you seriously going to go, “well, but I haven’t done it as much as she has and I didn’t go all the way every time like she did…” Honestly! Jesus showed us mercy! If you’re the good Catholic you’re professing yourself to be, then you need to be merciful as well. Unless you can let this go, TRULY forgive it and never bring it up again, you have absolutely no business even considering marriage to this girl. I understand you’re hurting, but you need to stop humiliating her for a past that never had you in it. Good luck and God Bless you both.

Bravo!!.. Christ did not judge Mary Magdala as harshly as the judgement imposed on this “loved” one. My wife was previously married and I NEVER asked her about her past…because it was her “Past”, not mine… I am not a fundamentally jealouse person and it really did not matter as I knew what caliber of person she was. She was no virgin as she had two childred. She has had a much harder time with my past…(older, single sailor)… In any event if when dating someone with a past, that people unwisely bring up, one should quickly, and with finality drop these thoughts or concerns. If not then the relationship MUST end as the women should not be dragged through this unwarranted misery. I am fairly certain that each individual with a past has either likely confessed their past sins or come to some terms with them and god. Any future person that purposefully drags up sins already confessed is sinning by making the other person sin yet again by dragging them through the reliving of these past events, and any past guilt which has likely been forgiving by God.

I will pray for him…not to forgive her, as she has likely already been forgiven, if she confessed and he was not even part of her life, but for his acceptance and or strength. Either he should accept this loving women or have the strength to leave her before he commits to her and has poisonous doubts in his future life with her.

I think we should all keep the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) 1443, 1446, 1469, in mind on occassions such as these.

This is likely a very bad way to start a family. If he cannot get over this then he likely needs to find a Virgin, yet then he will be asking for the same understanding that he is loath to give… “Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive…”

 

[The_Geographer]

Bla bla bla bla…
…
How do we find closure? Is it possible? Should I just move on? We talk about God and how He will lead us through this. We know God is here. And we know her sins and mine were evil. But I can’t find the answer for “why?” it happened. If I knew her in college I never would have respected her for doing those things.

If it would help for her to come on here and post, she’d be more than willing I’m sure.

THANK YOU FOR READING. Please give me advice!

I can’t help but think of scripture right now where Jesus spoke to the pharisees…read . Matthew 23
The words fool, hypocrites, blind, etc. seem to fit your personality in this series of post. Self-righteous. It sounds like you’re crazy about he and then an alien comes over you and you keep pushing her away. I bet mom and dad have many secrets they never told you. Most of us “orthodox” Christians/Catholics do have a shady past and learned form it.