My partner's sexual past --- How do I find closure? ADVICE!?

[Liberanosamalo]

Domer:
In vino veritas. Or as they say down here… “liquor sure do make a lot of noise when it gets outta the bottle!”

You had to have a few drinks in you before you could screw up the courage to demand she tell you about a past you obviously had suspicions about?

That nastiness when you drink… the anger it unleashes… your anger now…

You have anger issues. Forget her sexual issues. What is making YOU so angry about someone else’s life before she even knew you were alive? As if she did it to you on purpose? Before you even think about marriage, YOU need to get a grip on that anger you keep locked up until you’ve had a few drinks or until something happens and it all comes out inappropriately.

I don’t know what it is about her actions from years ago, the nicest girl in the world, that would do this, but I would bet a week’s pay some of the anger you are feeling is leftovers from something else and you’re dumping it all on her. To equate her with your parents discovering you smoking pot is a complete act of disrespect. You were their legal responsibility and you were breaking the law and violating a commandment or two. Do you have deeper substance abuse problems? Just trying to figure out what your deeper anger issues are. Because many of us have met people who had sex with other people before we met them. And while we can’t make it go away, and it even might be disappointing, a mature reaction isn’t to stew and be devastated. What fantasy version of her did you have going on in your head? Can she even live up to your fantasy? She is a flesh and blood woman who grew up under less ideal circumstances than you did. And she only had 5 more sexual partners before marriage than you did.

And I notice, and I’ll say it again… you really had no problem with her having premarital sex at all! At least not when she was doing it with you!

You said if she had dodged the question that would have made you really doubt things. But I have to tell you, your reaction to her telling the truth will make her fearful of ever being honest with you again.

And I am in complete agreement about the rape issue. You may be one of the few people she ever told about that. It may have dredged up a lot of shame, and bad memories, and guilt and wondering if she was at fault, and some PTSD. And in sharing with you that event, you instead heaped more shame on her. By talking about it and now knowing you know, it may start coming back in her nightmares.

Find out what is really making you angry. Because if you react in anger like this, it’s unfair to marry anyone. She was a high school girl who probably thought her first love would be the forever guy. And the world and movies told her to sleep with him. And being so nice, she probably gave in to pressure because she didn’t want to “hurt his feelings.” And the guys in college… well, again… how is she different from you, other than the number? They were just a bunch of guys like you… sleeping with a nice girl who they had no intention of marrying. You didn’t count on falling in love with her. You resisted it even as you had relations with her. What does that make YOU? Just like those other guys? If you had broken up, would you have taken up with another girl and started sleeping with her? And the next and the next till YOU had 7 or 8 partners in YOUR past?

YOU did it knowing it was a sin. But I daresay your reaction, whether it was quiet or not, was something that has caused HER a lot of pain and maybe a few flashbacks.

She isn’t a plaster saint. No one can live up to that. But you need to deal with your anger issues and whatever it is deep down that causes you to lash out at a person who loves you and trusts you. Because I know how it feels to be denigrated. And from now on there will be a little filter in her… a fear that your love is not unconditional and that your reaction to what she says will be unpleasant. And she’ll start cringing when she sees a beer in your hand, wondering if you’re going to start in on her with the anger.

You see… alcohol unleashes the inner you. Some people get happy when they drink. Others sing. Others cry. Others fall asleep. And some people get angry and pick fights and become abusive. Alcohol strips away the veneer. What is under your veneer and why are you so angry at things? Does her disappointing you with the truth about herself bring back something a parent did? Do you have residual parent issues you need to deal with first?

Answer that before you ever consider marrying anyone.

You need to meet people as they are. I’ve also met people who used to be NICE who turned really mean. Doesn’t matter how kind or pious or hardworking they used to be if they’re horrible now.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Here is how you deal with part of it:
Contemplate the Crucifix. See what YOUR sins did to Christ. Go watch The Passion of the Christ while you’re at it.

STOP all sexual activity with her. You need to rebuild YOUR relationship with her based on virtue and purity. I suspect that has a lot to do with your inexplicable anger. She mirrors your own failings back to you.

Pray with her. Pray for her.

Contact a hotline for rape victims and find out how you can deal with that issue as a possible fiance. I am stunned that such a trauma is being ignored by you as you focus on the other guys and what she did.

Contemplate your future and how you think you’ll deal with and raise children in this Godless age where they’re being shorn of their innocence in middle school or earlier. Read up on the corpus callossum and the prefrontal cortex and how that doesn’t fully mature till the early 20s and how it has everything to do with stupid impulsive things young people do.

Consider stopping drinking completely. Alcohol is not your friend.

Sorry if I sound mean. Marriage is too important and it can only work if two people really respect each other and can handle the human failings of the other person and forgive and communicate constructively. Your anger at something you can’t control, plus your self description as a perfectionist says you do have control issues. You can’t lecture her like a bad child or control everything about her. And children… control doesn’t last long there! You need to deal with your own issues. You’re sitting trying to figure out why she slept with someone else several years ago and you probably have no idea why you’re really mad at her today!

 

[SarahR]

Haven’t read through all the other posts…but someone in your position should pray that God gives the grace to see the other person how HE sees them and then treat them accordingly. We’ve all been beaten up by this life, our fallen nature, temptations, personal struggles. See her as the precious daughter of God that she is and honor Him by treating her with care and respect…whether you two stay together or not.

 

[davetv]

Your should cease all physical activity (except maybe pecks on the cheek) and postpone your marriage for a few years.

Your posts read “Here is my great future perfect slut whoring damaged wife”

At this moment you DON’T seem to respect this girl, wish to serve her needs, or have much compassion for her.

It DOESN’T matter WHY she sinned your not doctor Phil. It’s not your job to FIX her.

You both laid a BAD foundation and it will take a LONG time to heal.

 

[Jay82]

Don’t forget that everyone is affected by their life experiences and the people in their lives. Whether they appear to be good or bad on the surface, it can play a big factor in shaping that person as they get older. Your girlfriend sounds like a really great person, she has a ‘troubled’ past, but so do many people. It is those experiences that have shaped her into the woman you love. If she didn’t do the things you are so hung up on, she may be completely different and you two may not have even gotten together in the first place. Be happy you have met someone you truly connect with and is as nice as you make her sound. You, yourself said she is a completely different person now. That is what matters…now, not then. Show her the love and support she deserves from a boyfriend and possible future husband.

 

[latin_rite]

Dump her. if its a problem now. It will be a problem later. Simple as that.

 

[Jermosh]

1st and most important rule of any serious relationship is that words are like bullets, once said, you cannot take them back.

You are going to have to deal with this, if not now, its going to come up at a later date, and a good chance during the 7yr itch and your marriage will be headed for hurdles. You both need counseling, and you both need to talk this out. You also need to stop having sex, and I would reccomend a celibate retreat for a weekend getaway.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I would just say… if you can see yourself someday getting really mad at her about something and ripping her to shreds over this issue again (in front of the kids) and undermining her to the children you may have, please leave her now.

 

[Onedayatatime]

Firstly, I agree with the few posters that have suggested prayer. I think you need to take some serious time out to reflect, and I would suggest that you focus on one word during this prayer time. FORGIVENESS.

Many of us have a past before we are married, people change, God affects their lives, even when they don’t immediately recognize it. Jesus was thirsty on the Cross. For our souls. He wants to forgive us all. We have to ask him.

Pray for him for guidance, but first ask for Forgiveness, and for you to forgive her … from the heart.

Beware of False forgiveness that will not resolve this issue. Many follow false forgiveness which is judgemental, untrue and sometimes even more cruel that direct criticism and meanness. Here are some examples:

**Tolerance **I will tolerate that person.
Avoidance. I will avoid that person or issue.
**Substitution. ** I will replace this issue with something else.
Ignore. I will ignore that situation.
Faking it. I will pretend this does not annoy me.

Forgiveness of the mind, but not of the heart. Real forgiveness comes from the heart.

This is a big decision. Do you love this person so much that you can forgive her (and yourself) for past indiscretions. Unconditional love has to be at the core otherwise it’s all a sham. In order to forgive, you have to love.

It’s a big decision, but to be honest, my wife and I were both dating others when we met. We both knew in a very short period of time we COULD NOT live without each other. That was 30 years ago!

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

Domer: I’ve done some praying/thinking on your situation and I still go back to what I originally said: I just think you need to grow up. I don’t mean that in an unkind way here, but I truly believe this situation is simply one of maturity. I know when I was young I held very firm beliefs about no small variety of topics…and I wasn’t flexible in my beliefs. Age, wisdom and life experience has softened my approach. Principally, I am more tolerant of others, more forgiving. I think many people could say the same thing. I don’t think you should “dump” your girlfriend. If you love her and marriage is God’s will for both of you, it will happen. I do think, however, that this is a big wake up call to you that perhaps you just aren’t ready for that commitment. At least not yet. You both need time to discern if this relationship should move towards marriage and if it should, how to make that relationship loving, mutually giving (and forgiving) and pleasing to God. If you aren’t meant to be together, then it is your duty and hers to prepare yoursleves spirtually for the people who will become your spouses.Ultimately, if you don’t marry her Domer, you need to realize something: This girl came to Christ because of you; you are the one who introduced her to the Church. Granted, it’s not been a smooth or righteous path the entire way, but you do deserve credit for bringing Jesus to her. That’s a very good, loving thing. Good luck and I’ll keep praying for you.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

Also, thought of this and forgot to add it…Domer, you said your GF would be baptized into the Church on Easter? I have no small doubt in my mind that Satan is very much behind a lot of this, helping to stir up jealousy and intolerance. I don’t think the devil is behind every rock by any means, but in this situation, where a soul is on the line? I can definitely believe there may be some darker powers at work here. Just additional food for thought.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Domer: I’ve done some praying/thinking on your situation and I still go back to what I originally said: I just think you need to grow up. I don’t mean that in an unkind way here, but I truly believe this situation is simply one of maturity. I know when I was young I held very firm beliefs about no small variety of topics…and I wasn’t flexible in my beliefs. Age, wisdom and life experience has softened my approach. Principally, I am more tolerant of others, more forgiving. I think many people could say the same thing. I don’t think you should “dump” your girlfriend. If you love her and marriage is God’s will for both of you, it will happen. I do think, however, that this is a big wake up call to you that perhaps you just aren’t ready for that commitment. At least not yet. You both need time to discern if this relationship should move towards marriage and if it should, how to make that relationship loving, mutually giving (and forgiving) and pleasing to God. If you aren’t meant to be together, then it is your duty and hers to prepare yoursleves spirtually for the people who will become your spouses.Ultimately, if you don’t marry her Domer, you need to realize something: This girl came to Christ because of you; you are the one who introduced her to the Church. Granted, it’s not been a smooth or righteous path the entire way, but you do deserve credit for bringing Jesus to her. That’s a very good, loving thing. Good luck and I’ll keep praying for you.

I agree with this post.
No, I wouldn’t dump her… but I would take a major step back. Slow down the relationship, STOP the overnight visits, and get back to the BASICS.

FIRST and FOREMOST… go to confession… and mean it.
You’ve said a lot of “I know I messed up”, but you don’t sound very *regretful *for what you’ve done. You’re classy little “Catholic Schooling” hasn’t done much for YOU if you don’t put it into TRUE practice. KNOWING the truth isn’t the same as LIVING it. In fact, your girlfriend has MORE of an excuse because she wasn’t raised with this same full understanding… you’re *more *culpable!

Forgive her… like Christ will forgive you both. LIVE the truth and hold that mirror up in front of yourself before you get upset at her failings.

Prayers for you and your girlfriend.

 

[Sina]

I know there have been a lot of responses already.

From how you write your post, you sound rather judgemental and not majorly in love with your girlfriend.

Lots of people have sexual pasts… And in your GF’s case, she wasn’t even Catholic when this all happened. Not that it should matter anyways. The Lord forgives.

My DH has had 10 times more sexual partners than I have had (read that I have only ever been with him). I don’t really have a problem with it… you know why? Because BEFORE I ever had sex with him, I asked him what his sexual history was. I am one of those people who strongly believes you need find out your partner’s sexual history before you ever have sex with them. I mean this in a Catholic way, and in a secular way. You know the term that you are essentially having sex with every person your partner has had sex with right?

I wanted to know all details of what methods of contraception were used. I had to protect myself. Ideally, my DH wouldn’t have had sex with anyone before me, but our world isn’t always like that.

I don’t look down on my DH or look at him as an unequal to me in the purity side of things. He isn’t a Catholic or even a Christian.

Anyways… that is my experience. I think the way you feel is normal, but it sounds like you don’t want to marry this girl, and she doesn’t seem right for you. She seems like a great girl from what you describe of her, but just not for you.

 

[flyingfish]

Does anyone else think that the OP’s issue has nothing to do with the sinfulness of his girlfriend’s actions?

It makes sense for a guy to be concerned with the “purity” of an existing partner, because otherwise he has no way to know who the father of his children is, and could end up putting considerable resources into the proliferation of another man’s genes.

But past sexual behavior? Is it just biology gone awry? On the other hand, if you read the Bible women who had sex before marriage were supposed to be stoned to death, and Muslims still do this in quite a few places.

I wonder what the source of this is, and how common it is among men. Is it mostly just insecurity of the guy feeling he won’t be able to measure up to those who preceded him?

 

[Havard]

Does anyone else think that the OP’s issue has nothing to do with the sinfulness of his girlfriend’s actions?

It makes sense for a guy to be concerned with the “purity” of an existing partner, because otherwise he has no way to know who the father of his children is, and could end up putting considerable resources into the proliferation of another man’s genes.

But past sexual behavior? Is it just biology gone awry? On the other hand, if you read the Bible women who had sex before marriage were supposed to be stoned to death, and Muslims still do this in quite a few places.

I wonder what the source of this is, and how common it is among men. Is it mostly just insecurity of the guy feeling he won’t be able to measure up to those who preceded him?

It just sounds like he’s just trying to understand her decision-making processes/judgment. Specifically, her rationale for having sex with men she didn’t love.

 

[Jay82]

But past sexual behavior? Is it just biology gone awry? On the other hand, if you read the Bible women who had sex before marriage were supposed to be stoned to death, and Muslims still do this in quite a few places.

I wonder what the source of this is, and how common it is among men. Is it mostly just insecurity of the guy feeling he won’t be able to measure up to those who preceded him?

This may be a good opportunity to start a new thread so we don’t go too far off topic.

But I wouldn’t have an issue dating/marrying a girl with a significant sexual past or at least someone who isn’t a virgin. I’m am resigned to that fact that it is almost inevitable at my age. As long as they want to wait for marriage for me, that is what matters most. I think I would just want to know how many partners they had and ensure they didn’t have any type of STD. I don’t want to know or need to know any more details.

 

[flyingfish]

It just sounds like he’s just trying to understand her decision-making processes/judgment. Specifically, her rationale for having sex with men she didn’t love.

I would emphatically disagree with this. The desire to understand someone’s decision making process doesn’t lead to crying sessions lasting until 2 am, drunken anger, and so on.

People’s reasons for having sex are also generally not very complicated, and range from love to desire to enjoy the physical sensations to desire to feel accepted to loneliness etc.

 

[flyingfish]

This may be a good opportunity to start a new thread so we don’t go too far off topic.

But I wouldn’t have an issue dating/marrying a girl with a significant sexual past or at least someone who isn’t a virgin. I’m am resigned to that fact that it is almost inevitable at my age. As long as they want to wait for marriage for me, that is what matters most. I think I would just want to know how many partners they had and ensure they didn’t have any type of STD. I don’t want to know or need to know any more details.

From previous descriptions of yourself you also come across as a confident guy who wouldn’t be consumed by thoughts of not being as good in bed as someone else?

I guess I will start a new thread, because actually this topic has always made me wonder.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I don’t see why he’s so puzzled wondering why she did it. After all, by his account, he slept with two women he didn’t love very much at the time. Why should he not have some understanding of her?

 

[Sina]

I’ll pretend this isn’t a troll doing flame-bait. I sometimes wonder about these kind of posts.

But in case anyone out there legitimately is in your shoes I’ll keep it sweet.

You’re just mad and disappointed because you weren’t the FIRST cad who got to this sweet directionless partially neglected girl who grew up marinated in a lack of societal values with parents who didn’t teach her right from wrong.

If you had been the first, you would have taken her virginity and that would have been it.

But because she was used by some other guys, some of whom she thought she loved, and some whom she used, or who used her (against her will even), YOU have an issue.

Since you are so distraught about her past, and can’t handle her sins and knowing all about her love her unconditionally like a wife deserves, let her go. Someone else will love this woman who has found her own way to the truth.

Now that you have bullied her and pulled the truth out from her and made her regret trusting you with the story of her life before she ever knew you were alive, go away. Stop throwing her shame in her face. Let her recollect some of her dignity. Maybe you will make her abandon Catholicism as a bunch of hypocrites who have premarital sex but condemn others, or maybe she will keep it and someday raise a daughter not to make the mistakes she made.

But a girl this nice and trusting deserves a better guy than you. Had I been her friend I’d have told her never to tell a guy anything she doesn’t want thrown in her face in the future in a drunken angry rage.

I’d ask you, what are YOU really grieving? Her sin? Or the blow to YOUR ego that you have “used goods” and she is unworthy of you now? I don’t see her ranting about the girl who came before her?

She deserves someone who can love her for the person she is now, not hate her for the misguided teen she was then.

And I"m glad you stopped having sex with her yourself. Maybe the next guy won’t be so angry with her at the idea of what YOU did to her even though you admit for a long time you had no intention of marrying her.

If it’s too hard for you to forgive, never get married. You’ll never make it. People are human and make mistakes.

WHY DID SHE DO IT? Because she was young and stupid and trusted people like YOU.

By the way, get a grip on that drinking. You sound like a mean drunk.

Oh…and not every family had the money for private schools. Those of us who sent our kids to “dirty public schools” can’t help it. Sounds like your private school didn’t teach much about compassion.

Let her go. She can do better than you.

Now that you’ve humiliated her, do her a favor and stop calling her. It will help her heal from you quicker. You’re just one more guy she needs to heal from.

I so often love what you have to say.