My partner's sexual past --- How do I find closure? ADVICE!?

[The_Geographer]

Ok, it was only your first post where it sounded like you weren’t sure about how much you loved her I suppose.

Yes… I very very strongly believe people need to know someone’s sexual history before they themselves have sex with the other person. It doesn’t have to be details, like what positions and different things they have done… but it should be number of partners, whether a condom was used, age of when, … I went as far as knowing the names ( turned out I knew one of them as we all went to the same university ).

Anyways… I am glad you came back here and responded further. We get a lot of CAF first time posters with questions… and people invest a lot of time into it and then never hear back. You sound like an intelligent, promising young man, and I pray you and your girlfriend have a wonderful future. God Bless.

I agree with knowing ones future spouse’s sexual history. Even though we are not required to reveal it, we run the risk of several problems if we don’t. I was a goody 2 shoe until a priest made a pass on me. After that I set out to prove my heterosexuality. But I still limited by perversion to very little. But that perverted excape was running away from my vocation after the diocese buried me under the carpet, never giving me the help I desperately needed. Long story short, I returned to orthodox catholic practices, chaste, ran into another perverted priest, and eventually left the church after finding my goody 2 shoe wife, who was a rape victim, violent type. We have 3 children 20+ years later. I’m discerning a vocation to the diaconate. My oldest son tore up a Victoria Secrets catalog * and hope that one day the bishop will see that I sincerely want to serve. I have a different way of approaching things that isn’t all positive for some folks. But there is room for all of us. It’s a big Church.*

 

[silentstar]

Yes, it took the booze in me to finally bring it up, and that wasn’t right. I wasn’t being a man. But it got the ball rolling (finally) after my cowardice and burying my head in the sand. I went through denial, depression, bargaining before I got to any sort of anger. I heard something I didn’t like, I asked “WHY?” I wanted an answer to make it all better. I didn’t like the vision of my idealized, potential wife, doing things I don’t approve of.

If you think she owes me nothing, no past history, I disagree with you and I’d leave my girlfriend if she refused to talk about this. We have a very open relationship and I think communication is the best policy. Communicate with each other and with the Lord.

Domer,

I think the fact that it took alcohol to get you to open up is not a good sign. I also think the fact that you are mourning the loss of an idealized image is not a good sign. Other than Jesus and Mary, no human being has ever been perfect. I think you need to ask yourself why it was so important that your girlfriend be ideal. However I think that she is described as not having a mean bone in her body is also not a good sign. People are human and get angry at times. Being nice all the time can be dangerous to a person’s psychological health. You are honest for asking these questions here. I would suggest therapy or pastoral counseling for both of you. and please whatever you do, do not drive drunk. someone I cared about had a fatal car accident from driving drunk when he was 21. he had a bad drinking problem and was very upset at the time. he did not hurt anyone else but he lost his life b/c he could not control his desire to seek comfort in alcohol. I have no idea how much you drink but tragedy can happen in an instant.

The good part is that you are both trying to work through this but it seems like a bigger problem than you can handle on your own. Therapy or pastoral counseling might help.

 

[silentstar]

I wanted to get back to this aspect of it. I did NOT, absolutely did not, and will not overlook the rape. After all this dust settles the rape will still remain. It was not her choice. At the time she blamed herself. She counted him as one of her sexual partners, she didn’t look at it as rape. It was wrong and I told her this. She now knows what really happened. I’ve talked with her about this and I actually made her call a rape hotline. I believe she called RAINN.

She told me she received closure by blocking it out (literally), blaming herself, and just going back to what she was doing with the same group of guys that lived at that fraternity house. That is NOT CLOSURE. I don’t know if she even referred to it as rape until she told me. She told one of her friends, and me. That’s it. I know I can’t give her the right closure she needs, and she didn’t want to tell her mom, so I made her call the rape hotline. She didn’t want to call and was embarrassed, but did it anyway. I told her it would be anonymous and unbiased (kinda like this place, well, anonymous at least). She told me she had a good experience and there are free counselling centers in our area. She wants to go with me (but I think we go to separate counselors, which is fine). So, we will go when she’s ready. I know this is another can of worms, but how does one receive true closure, resolve, whatever you want to call it? She blamed herself for so long and never even considered it rape. Naturally, I want to hurt this guy, but that isn’t right? Should she press charges out of principle? She blocked it out so “well” that she can’t remember if it was soph or junior year. Or what about calling the guy and telling him what she truly feels? Or me calling him? I don’t know. Fact is this guy is terrible and walks the earth probably thinking he got laid, and so did his two buddies. Terrible. (and if you call me judgmental for this, don’t waste your breath. This guy should be in jail. For a girl as loving as she is, she said she truly hates him for doing this.)

it’s good you supported her in facing this. the questions you are asking are very personal ones and I don’t think strangers on the Net, however well-meaning, are in a good position to answer them. except, it can be said that although it makes total sense that you’d want to hurt this guy, please do not act that out. the person who needs to know about your outrage is your gf and a counselor, if you see one. going after him could be damaging to both of you. although I understand the temptation.

rape survivors vary widely in how long it takes them to address it and whether they find closure. to some extent this depends on other events in their lives and whether they have been generally emotionally supported throughout life, or not.

disturbances in memory, such as not remembering if it was sophomore or junior year are very common. that does not mean it didn’t happen or that it wasn’t traumatic. it means that the memory of trauma can be hard to integrate into “normal” life and sometimes it’s hard to remember things like exactly how old you were, or how the rapist was able to get to you (what you were doing right before it happened). being raped is traumatizing and shocking and sometimes it just really blows away other memories of “normal” life. sometimes memories return in therapy.

the good news is that it is possible to feel a LOT better. being accepted by loved ones and not feeling judged by “respectable” people, for being raped, that really helps a lot. it also helps to hear ‘it’s not your fault.’ RAINN is a good organization and they have a lot of stuff available in terms of counseling.

best of luck to both of you.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I’ll pretend this isn’t a troll doing flame-bait. I sometimes wonder about these kind of posts.

But in case anyone out there legitimately is in your shoes I’ll keep it sweet.

You’re just mad and disappointed because you weren’t the FIRST cad who got to this sweet directionless partially neglected girl who grew up marinated in a lack of societal values with parents who didn’t teach her right from wrong.

If you had been the first, you would have taken her virginity and that would have been it.

But because she was used by some other guys, some of whom she thought she loved, and some whom she used, or who used her (against her will even), YOU have an issue.

Since you are so distraught about her past, and can’t handle her sins and knowing all about her love her unconditionally like a wife deserves, let her go. Someone else will love this woman who has found her own way to the truth.

Now that you have bullied her and pulled the truth out from her and made her regret trusting you with the story of her life before she ever knew you were alive, go away. Stop throwing her shame in her face. Let her recollect some of her dignity. Maybe you will make her abandon Catholicism as a bunch of hypocrites who have premarital sex but condemn others, or maybe she will keep it and someday raise a daughter not to make the mistakes she made.

But a girl this nice and trusting deserves a better guy than you. Had I been her friend I’d have told her never to tell a guy anything she doesn’t want thrown in her face in the future in a drunken angry rage.

I’d ask you, what are YOU really grieving? Her sin? Or the blow to YOUR ego that you have “used goods” and she is unworthy of you now? I don’t see her ranting about the girl who came before her?

She deserves someone who can love her for the person she is now, not hate her for the misguided teen she was then.

And I"m glad you stopped having sex with her yourself. Maybe the next guy won’t be so angry with her at the idea of what YOU did to her even though you admit for a long time you had no intention of marrying her.

If it’s too hard for you to forgive, never get married. You’ll never make it. People are human and make mistakes.

WHY DID SHE DO IT? Because she was young and stupid and trusted people like YOU.

By the way, get a grip on that drinking. You sound like a mean drunk.

Oh…and not every family had the money for private schools. Those of us who sent our kids to “dirty public schools” can’t help it. Sounds like your private school didn’t teach much about compassion.

Let her go. She can do better than you.

Now that you’ve humiliated her, do her a favor and stop calling her. It will help her heal from you quicker. You’re just one more guy she needs to heal from.

You always get it right Lib!!

Enough about your selfishness about not being her first!

Do you realize you just glossed over the fact that this poor girl was raped?!?!?!

 

[CatholicGirl19]

Thank you for all of the responses.

But, how do I get to the point where I achieve ACCEPTANCE? Yes, I am asking for something selfish. I know it is. If I can get acceptance I can move on with her. I’ve read stories online (and my friend has a nasty story himself) of this sort of thing lingering for years, leading to breakups and divorce. If that is inevitable (not that anyone can guarantee anything), should I just leave. I know I don’t want to, I just want closure. Yes, I’m looking for a “how-to” guide that I darn well know doesn’t exist.

One poster mentioned talking to a priest/clergy member. We plan on doing that. The Deacon who teaches her RCIA class has known me since I was a child and he loves my girlfriend, but I know she’d be embarrassed to go to him for counseling. I wouldn’t be comfortable if she wasn’t. Should we talk to someone else who we don’t know?

One poster asked about confession. I have not been in at least a few years. Earlier today I wrote down the times for my local Church.

Am I being immature? Yes. Am I being macho? Yes. One poster tore me apart. Partly deserved. I didn’t sit there and tear her apart for every sin. I have my own sins to contend with and I’m in no position to judge. My question to her was “WHY?” There is no real answer, at least no answer that makes one say “Oh yea, that makes sense. No big deal.” When my parents busted me in high school for smoking marijuana and using alcohol my mother said to me “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” I never had a good answer.

One poster mentioned that I sounded like a snob for my Catholic schooling. You’re right. I do sound snobby and I probably am. It’s a sin and I know it. It’s not Christ-like. Not everyone had the privilege I did.

It all gets back to equating both versions of her. The version I know is perfect and deserves the best. I feel terrible when I don’t give it to her. My life has been a roller-coaster these past 10 days where I’ve experienced dizzying highs and frightening lows. I’m a man who is a pragmatist, who uses logic, reason to solve most problems. When I can’t figure something out it frustrates me. When my emotions get pulled around to this extent I just can’t take it.

Thanks for the responses, all of them. I really mean that. It’s all helping me put the picture together I hope.

pray, that is how we all are able to forgive one another.

Christ said “love the sinner, hate the sin.”

if you are not comfortable going to your pastor for confession, go to a different priest. one who dose not know you. I don’t know how comfortable your girlfriend would be talking to a priest face to face, (in RCIA do people go to confession?) but it might help her to talk about it. If it has this effect on you, how must she feel?

I hope I’ve helped. She sounds like shes your one I would strive to work things out.

~God bless

 

[StillWondering]

What is there to forgive her of? Lisa did not do anything to Domer from the description.

Yes, we should save ourselves for our spouse. However, Catholics are taught that you need to understand right from wrong to commit the choice of wrong. If she did not know this, she didn’t do anything wrong against Domer. That is her past. If you love her, Domer, you need to get over your feelings and get counseling.

Domer, you are making her feel guilt that this poster feels is unfair. You knew about how sex before marriage is bad. You had the responsibility to be chaste for her. She did not have the same level of responsibility as you did. So, to be honest, it sounds like between the two of you, you need forgiveness form her not the other way around.

I’m a guy myself and a sinner myself. I cannot judge anyone else. I can tell you what is logical. The plain logic from what you have written is that, you were given more knowledge and so you should be the one asking for forgiveness.

 

[Godloves13]

Dear OP,

I read glance at your thread from the beginning till the end, and truly you have been given good advise. And I am very happy to learn that you have more or less come in terms with all that has happened.

Just thot I would share a couple of things or observations, that hopefully be of use for any futures “upsets”

1. You mentioned it was about 10 days that you knew about your GF’s history (or the thing that upset you) till the time you wrote the thread. My dear, 10 days is a short time. To expect to go through the process of grieving in 10 days is very short, depending on the seriousness of the matter. It is good and well if you managed to come to the acceptance stage so fast.
2. I have learned that in order to forgive someone, we must first experience the forgiveness. Sometimes it seems so easy just to pretend it away and all. One of the poster did mention the various “pretend” state of forgiveness. But unless we ourselves experience that mercy of God, recognise how unworthy we are, than can we give. Cos in all things we cannot give what we do not have, or have not experienced. So in the same instance, unless you come to recognise your own sinfulness, and that you have no right to throw the “first stone” than can you give another the person the mercy you have experienced.
3. You wanted understanding of why your GF did the things she did, but like you said when you were caught smoking pot. When your parents asked you, you could not answer. Many posters give you possible insides, sometimes is not the why the person did what they did. But we all go through that process, it is part of the grieving.
4. Lastly, your alcohol / anger issue. Don’t think based what you have written, you truly have either (but who am I to analyse). My point is, just be aware of the possibility, becoz’ the next time something upsets you, you might find yourself turning to it for false courage.

All the best and have a blessed Holy week.

Blessings
Godloves13

 

[former_Catholic]

How do you find closure?
You learn how to love.
It’s what you came here to learn, you know… and so far you haven’t exactly been acing this class.

 

[jwashu]

If you love her and she loves you, he past shouldn’t matter. Often when young women are very permiscous it’s because they are looking for true love but haven’t been taught how to recognize it…

God forgives us for all the nasty stuff we do say and think, if this person loves you then you need to get off your moral high ground, say you are sorry and move forward.

I’ll tell you this, almost everyone I knew who was a “bad girl” wound up become great wonderful mothers once they found the right guy… a lot of guys do things, their friends do worse but want to judge women for doing similar. I also know a lot of virgins who have been divorced 3 times so someone’s high school history is meaningless IMHO.

What’s the verse… let you without sin cast the first stone.

If you love her, love her as God would and does us when we go to confession.

Joe

 

[GodGodGod]

i actually am going through the same thing (except i have no sexual past and she has a frequent past with 1 guy). no, i’m not trying to sound “holier” than anyone else so please don’t accuse me of this. anyway, i’m trying to deal with this too, so what i’m doing is googling advice by entering “CATHOLIC HOW TO FORGIVE OTHERS(or GIRLFRIEND’S PAST)” or anything like that.actually, one of the sites that appeared was this thread and so here i am. the fact is that these ppl on this site can accuse you of thinking you’re better than she is; i’m reading your post and seeing thay you LOVE this girl and WAAAAAAAAANT to forgive and forget but it’s hard. anyway, so here’re are my suggestions (and like i said, i’m in the same situation, so if you have any advice, lemme know too pleeeeease): 1)pray hard for God to guide your mind (and hers), 2)look for Catholic resources that will give you advice (books or web pages, etc) and 3) if you cannot forget about it, then move on; i say this bc you may love her, but if this keeps coming up, then you’ll never get over it and YOU BOTH deserve happiness which WILL come…though it may not be with eachother.i can just watch a movie and see a couple having premarital sex and i get furious though i know my gf has changed and is too in RCIA; i find myself bring up the issue subtly not fully noticing that i’m making her re-live what she’s trying to forget. i realize that she deserves to be happy and i deserve to not suffer. i’m at the crossroads too, my friend: to suffer a lot but for a little time (aka break up) or to spend my life irritated and being very happy but very very disappointed and questioning the way she may want to raise kids bc it may make their past like hers and maybe be tempted with divorce later bc of MY INABILITY to forget (aka stay with her). there’s no easy way; just know that you both can find good mates if you break it up, but if you want to get over it, then 1)do the research ideas i posted above and 2)maybe try reading other ppl’s stories; hopefully you’ll find some good advice of success or maybe even find a sorrier case than your own, which may make you feel grateful. i feel you man. your emotions are appropriate and fair; don’t let the other posts make you think you’re a bad person; even if you slept with 20 ppl, it doesn’t matter; what you feel is what you feel; both you AND SHE deserve happiness and not a life of struggle. yes, God forgave us; so now you can feel sound spiritually, but God also acknowledges our humanity; each of our sins are forgiven by Him bc they offended Him; however, they also offend the Christian community (in this case you) and so you need to be at a point to honestly forgive her (you may have been here) but also, you must make a decision that’ll make you happy; she deserves someone who loves her 100% and you deserve to love someone 100%. if this cannot be the case, then go on; you both will be at that point one day. may God please grant us peace and guidance and the strength to make a proper decision.Amen

 

[bkoz]

I am 15 years married and still struggle with this. I was a 34 year old virgin when I married my wife. She had been with at least two other men that I know of. My marriage has been sexless for some time now (her choice, not mine), and I can’t help but wonder what sort of “damage” may have been caused by those previous relationships. And what am I doing wrong? And were the others that much better than me? And sometimes she still accidentally calls me by the name of one of them. Sometimes when I am still awake lying in bed at 2:00 in the morning because of all the raging hormones running through my body I think about those things. Her enjoying what should have been for me alone. 15 years later and it still makes me want to vomit some times.

 

[HCC]

I don’t have the time or patience to read through months and months of posts to see how it all turned out. However, I hope she dumped your selfish butt! I hope she goes toward a life of repentance and personal holiness and finds a man who is worthy of her.

You started the sexual side of the relationship, you who claims he knew better, decided to use this young woman and drag her into your sin. Then you turn around and cast stones at the one you dragged into your sinfulness, who you stated did not grow up with the same value system.

I certainly hope you have gone to confession and if not, are refraining from receiving Holy Communion. You have not only your sin, possible sacrilegious communions but involving another person in your sin. You said it yourself, you were looking to experiment after college and found someone you could use to do it with. Then you find a convenient excuse, her past, to use against her, a sinful past you aided and worsened. Suddenly she is not pure enough for you, as if you are worthy of anything greater with your past.

Get a grip man–seriously! Take a look at your own soul first.

 

[HollyDolly]

Simply put, if you really like her, ignore it and get over it. I’d date a former stripper if she was someone who had changed and moved on. I’ve dated women who were virgins, and I’ve dated women who’ve had-troubled-sexual pasts. There but for the grace go I, and the same should be said for you.

It’s easy to get hung up on this-we’re guys, we are hung up on sexual issues with our girlfriends. However, it’s doesn’t matter what she did-it matters what she does.

So knock off the neurosis, be good to her, stop the drama, and if she the one for you, she’s the one for you.

Never, ever feel self-righteous or holier than thou

If you stay stuck up on these issues, you might miss a great chance with a great girl. You will regret that for life. I assure you.

This may not be the advice you wanted. Sorry if it isn’t.

I have to agree with what you posted. I’m not married.Both my mother and dad later in life had health issues and I took care of them.But if I ever did get married, I could care less if he had sexual experiences before he married me.Most men do.Long as he didn’t cheat on me,his past wouldn’t be important.My mom knew my dad had been around the block and then some when it came to women,but she still married him anyway.She didn’t worry that he was no male virgin. And I also know they didn’t wait till daddy put the ring on momma’s finger and said “I do” ,before having sex,why cause she told me many years later.
I understand you wonder if she might during marriage cheat on you,since she had sex before marriage, however there are also plenty of virgin brides who later in marriage cheat, mainly because they feel their hubby isn’t paying attention to them or doing nice things for them.Has little to do with sex and more with emotional connection.
Besides, how does she know you might not cheat on her during marriage?
The point is you need to heed what Rascalking says.

 

[Secret_Square]

I know this is an old thread, but on the off chance the OP sees this… just be grateful you and your GF got all this out on the table BEFORE you got married.

Otherwise, you might have ended up like the guy on another thread (“Wife Lied About Sexual Past,” I think it’s called) who insisted upon marrying a virgin and didn’t find out until 11 years later that his wife had had a previous sex partner before him… then 18 years after THAT, found out she had actually had two MORE sex partners before him, for a total of 3. He had to deal with the fact that his wife had lied to him from the beginning of their marriage, and he was actually worried that his marriage might be invalid as a result (though he still loved his wife and didn’t want to leave her over it).

If she is not the one for you, or you are not the one for her, at least be glad you found out before it was too late.

 

[FrostRon]

I salute you bro, for being so nice.
And actually its a truth that can’t be denied, however i
do experience like this before. It really hurts when we know
it happens, but what do we expect?! its a past that sometimes
happens for a reason. Acceptance is the key mate. Hell yeah
i experienced it but not as wild as yours. But then again i over come this sexual
history of hers/ours. I often read books and even blogs on the internet, and one of the best ever that mainly recommend you is this mypartnerspast.com/. Hope It helps