My pastor won't marry us

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supplex

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I’m wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation.

I’m a cradle Catholic and my first marriage was annulled when I was 23. Eight years (and lots of therapy!) later, I married my husband in a Methodist church. I realize my mistake (read:sin) in not getting married in my beloved Catholic faith. My husband was married before and has had his marriage annulled, also. He attends Mass with me and our son every week and is better at tithing than I am! He considers himself Catholic and has completed RCIA, and plans to become Catholic “someday”. We adopted our son 11 years ago and we are raising him Catholic. My husband does not attack or criticize my faith.
But my pastor does not want to marry us in the church. My pastor is a wonderful man and I have the utmost respect for him as the spiritual father of our little parish. His own family has experienced substance abuse and he will not marry us because my husband has an alcohol problem. I know that my husband should not be drinking, I know his drinking has adversely affected our marriage in the past - but I also know that he has a loving heart and has worked hard to improve our marriage and family life. We went to marriage counseling for 2 years before our son was born and worked to improve our relationship. I do not do this alone - he has grown and changed to benefit our marriage. We work on this together. Yes, I would love for him to quit drinking, but that is not my choice. I pray for him and give it to God. My pastor has told us that we can have another priest marry us in another church - but this is our parish family and we want to be married by him in our parish. We’ll be married 13 years in August - should I continue to wait? hope my husband quits drinking? look for another priest to marry us?
 
If drinking is the only problem, what a shame. Granted, the priest may have had a bad family experience, but to deny blesssing this marriage is to deny the many many graces you both COULD be receiving in order to further help fight the alcohol problem.
 
Thank you!

I should add that I am a homeschool mom and very active in our parish. My husband has always supported my commitments here. We are also committed to each other ( by God’s grace) and made that clear to each other before we married. He works hard to support us so I can stay home with our son.
 
I’m kinda bewildered that he doesn’t want to marry a couple who has been married for 13 years. Our priest was pushing me and my husband to convalidate our marriage after our anullments were approved 2 1/2 years after our civil ceremony. Sadly, we waited almost 4 years after the civil ceremony because I was afraid. If I would have known the strength and faith that Jesus would instill on me after the marriage convalidation, I would have done it the day after the anullments were approved. I suggest you talk to your priest again and explain to him that you are committed to this man even if he drinks. We are all sinners, some worst some better. If that doesn’t work, then I would suggest talking with the bishop of your diocese. How does your husband feel about this whole situation?

Puppy
 
It might be time for a second opinion. I will say a prayer for your family.
 
he should marry you…but i understand his apprehensions. If your husband has a drinking problem it might not be a good idea to stay with him. Im not telling you to divorce but alcoholism can do terrible things to a family. if he gets drunk now and then its different…if he ever abuses you or your son when he is drunk or gets drunk constantly…thats another matter.
 
Maybe you could approach it a different way. Could you ask him what it would take for him TO marry you? That way at least you have an idea for where to start.

-D
 
Does your husband want to stop drinking? He needs to see that it is just another form of temptation for a behavior that will not satisfy. He needs to have a new sense of hope. Jesus offers this hope.
 
I have spoken to our pastor several times over the past few years. My husband and I have tried to be patient - we figured it might be part of God’s plan for us. I hate to go over our pastor’s head (to the bishop) but maybe I should.
My husband is sensitive and feels that our pastor just doesn’t like him because he’s not Catholic! He admits that he sometimes drinks too much. He is not physically abusive, but in the past he has been verbally abusive, which he admits.
I also understand my pastor’s hesitation - since my husband is drinking, he is not able to make a commitment - according to our pastor. Our pastor wants my husband to actively participate in AA for a time before he will consider blessing our marriage in the church.
My husband does not feel he can stop drinking 100%. He knows that he overdoes it at times and knows that he needs to “control it.”
 
Our pastor wants my husband to actively participate in AA for a time before he will consider blessing our marriage in the church.
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Honestly - that sounds like a reasonable requirement to me.

-D
 
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supplex:
I’m wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation.

I’m a cradle Catholic and my first marriage was annulled when I was 23. Eight years (and lots of therapy!) later, I married my husband in a Methodist church. I realize my mistake (read:sin) in not getting married in my beloved Catholic faith. My husband was married before and has had his marriage annulled, also. He attends Mass with me and our son every week and is better at tithing than I am! He considers himself Catholic and has completed RCIA, and plans to become Catholic “someday”. We adopted our son 11 years ago and we are raising him Catholic. My husband does not attack or criticize my faith.
But my pastor does not want to marry us in the church. My pastor is a wonderful man and I have the utmost respect for him as the spiritual father of our little parish. His own family has experienced substance abuse and he will not marry us because my husband has an alcohol problem. I know that my husband should not be drinking, I know his drinking has adversely affected our marriage in the past - but I also know that he has a loving heart and has worked hard to improve our marriage and family life. We went to marriage counseling for 2 years before our son was born and worked to improve our relationship. I do not do this alone - he has grown and changed to benefit our marriage. We work on this together. Yes, I would love for him to quit drinking, but that is not my choice. I pray for him and give it to God. My pastor has told us that we can have another priest marry us in another church - but this is our parish family and we want to be married by him in our parish. We’ll be married 13 years in August - should I continue to wait? hope my husband quits drinking? look for another priest to marry us?
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Is the priest refusing, or has the Tribunal put a hold on remarriage for him. I know of a local case where someone obtained Decrees of Nullity because alcoholism prevented them from giving full consent to the prior marriages. However the Tribunal put a hold on remarriage until the person could demonstrate the ability to give full consent, i.e. was sober.
 
Tell your husband to quit drinking or you are out of there. It sounds as though you are making excuses for him. This is not an insurmountable obstacle. Many health plans pay for you to go to rehab these days.
 
I agree sounds like you are making excuses for your husband, that is called being a co dependent. You are helping him continue in his behavior, and he says he can’t ever quit 100%, this is an excuse for him to continue, I know that used to be the story I told. But anyone can quit, but first of all they have to WANT TO (for themselves) not for someone else!!! I think you are living a lie. Sorry, but you asked.
 
Joe Kelley:
Is the priest refusing, or has the Tribunal put a hold on remarriage for him. I know of a local case where someone obtained Decrees of Nullity because alcoholism prevented them from giving full consent to the prior marriages. However the Tribunal put a hold on remarriage until the person could demonstrate the ability to give full consent, i.e. was sober.
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I think you nailed it :yup:
 
Joe Kelley:
However the Tribunal put a hold on remarriage until the person could demonstrate the ability to give full consent, i.e. was sober.
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Yes, this is the rub. Your husband must be able to give full consent to the marriage. He needs to be free from additction to do this. It sounds like your priest is merely reflcecting a reality that mus exist for the sacrament of marriage to be valid.
 
Wait a minute here. This lady said that she is praying for her husband’s recovery. Not defending it! I know what alcohol can do to a family. I lived it for many years. Supplex, ask your husband to pray to God to take away this addiction he has. God will answer his prayers. Supplex, I believe that you want to get married in the church so that YOU can receive the sacraments. Supplex, am I right? I was in that position also. Maybe it is the tribunal holding back, but don’t you think the pastor would have told her so? God bless you and good luck. See your PM.

Puppy
 
I have to take the side of the Pastor. Though your husband admits having a problem and needs to control it doesnt mean nothing if he isnt DOING anything about it…its lip service to you and he is being intellectually dishonest with himself. Your Pastor is right in saying…at least lets see this man commit to an AA program or SOMETHING…just saying…I have to work on it…is NOT good enough…his drinking has manifested into verbal abuse…again, I have to agree with the Pastor…if your spouse is sincere…he will enter a program. God Bless you.
 
You’re already married, as far as the Church is concerned. The Church presumes that a marriage is valid unless proven by a tribunal that the case for nullifying the marriage is valid.

Therefore, it simply is not possible to be married again.

However, it is possible to have your marriage “blessed” by a priest.

I don’t know… but I suppose that one party to the marriage (i.e. your husband) suffering from alcoholism would be a reason for annulment of the marriage in which you already are.

So, if that is the case – and please note that I am NOT saying that this IS the case – then I can understand why your priest would choose to not bless your marriage.
 
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supplex:
I also understand my pastor’s hesitation - since my husband is drinking, he is not able to make a commitment - according to our pastor. Our pastor wants my husband to actively participate in AA for a time before he will consider blessing our marriage in the church.
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You pastor is wise and holy. Listen to him!

Look, you each already have one marriage annulled, so I appreciate the pastor being careful about making sure this marriage is valid before he blesses it.
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supplex:
My husband does not feel he can stop drinking 100%. He knows that he overdoes it at times and knows that he needs to “control it.”
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Classic alcoholic statements. Also classic “wife-of-alcoholic” statemements.

If we were talking face-to-face, I’d put in all the usual wishy-washy caveats about “alcoholic symptoms”, “not a diagnosis, but…”, etc.

But instead, I’ll simply be blunt and cut to the chase. After sitting in AA meetings for over 20 years, I’ve heard it again and again and again and again – literally thousands of times. Your husband is a drunk. Period. He needs to go to AA. He is very sick, not the least of which is spiritual sickness. You need to go to Al-Anon. Period. You are married to an alcoholic. You are also very sick, not the least of which is spiritual sickness, even though you may not know it.

Neither one of you is capable of even understanding the true nature of sacramental vows while you are enmeshed in addiction. I do not believe a Catholic marriage should take place until your husband has a year of sobriety with regular AA meetings and you have had a year of Al-Anon. AA recommends “no major decisions in the first year” for very good reason – it reflects 70 years of wisdom in dealing with drunks.

I have just said a prayer for you. I am not trying to be harsh, but simply tell you the truth. The truth that reflects the experience of many years.

For what it is worth, this is from an appendix to the book Alcoholics Anonymous:
Edward Dowling, S.J., of the Queen’s Work staff, says, “Alcoholics Anonymous is natural; it is natural at the point where nature comes closest to the supernatural, namely in humiliations and in consequent humility. There is something spiritual about an art museum or a symphony, and the Catholic Church approves of our use of them. There is something spiritual about A.A. too, and Catholic participation in it almost invariably results in poor Catholics becoming better Catholics.”
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Start with calling your local Al-Anon telephone number right now. I literally mean stop browsing the forum right now and pick up the telephone. God bless you.
 
I can’t believe anyone here would be telling this woman to leave her husband. There is an 11 year old boy to think about here. There is such thing as a “functional alcoholic”. If he is providing for the family, is emotionally engaged and is not physically abusive, then his alcoholism is not a reason to leave. I do wonder what the extent of the verbal abuse is, though. (That issue definitely needs to be explored). That being said, there are less drastic ways to deal with the problem than leaving.
 
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