My wife dresses terribly

[VeritasLuxMea]

My wife dresses so poorly. Outside of work, it’s hardly anything but sweatpants and sweatshirts, ratty tee’s, gym clothes, that kind of thing. Often times her sweats will be a little “unkempt”, just ugly looking things. If we’re going out, then sometimes she’ll throw on jeans or maybe a decent looking blouse but even this is rare, to be honest.

Now, she was never a fancy dresser to begin with, but I feel that when we were dating/engaged/newlyweds there were at least more times when she made an effort. Now it’s just like she’s given up.

For my part, I often slum around like her at home, but I still find occasions to wear button down collared shirts and dress pants, or a neat shirt with khaki’s, etc, etc., groom myself well and make sure my hair is neat, etc.

I’m not asking her to be Mrs. Universe here or anything, by no means does she need to get all decked out like a ballerina, and by no means does it have to happen every day… even once a week or once every other week or heck, once a month would probably be fine…

The reason why it upsets me is that, although I want her to be completely comfortable in my love and know that how she looks is not the be-all end-all of our marriage, I frankly keep feeling disrespected by this behavior.

I mean, I know that her love for me is such that I needn’t buy her flowers or write her love notes to maintain her love, but I do so anyway. Because I choose to continue to court her. So, I would hope that her attitude about it wouldn’t be, “why bother? I can ‘get away’ with it.”

My problem is that I think this is a sensitive topic, and I just can’t figure out a way to communicate it without sounding accusatory and thus raising some defenses. I certainly don’t want to imply that she doesn’t respect me at all, because that’s definitely not true.

We normally have good communication, but every time I practice the conversation in my head, I end up sounding accusatory or potentially offensive and I don’t want to turn it into something where it’s like “Oh I don’t respect YOU? Why don’t you put the toilet seat down, bub?” LOL

Or, even worse, I don’t want it to come out sounding like I’m saying she isn’t beautiful and that she “needs” to dress better in order for me to appreciate her beauty, because that is not true either.

So far I’ve skirted (no pun intended) around the issue, and she typically responds that, “Well, I HATE dressing up, I just want to be comfortable.” But so far I have not brought my feelings into the conversation…

I don’t know how to summarize my feelings better other than to say that I feel disrespected and dishonored by this particular behavior. How can I communicate my feelings in an appropriate and loving way?

Edited to add - we have been married for 3 years, and she hasn’t been pregnant so it’s nothing to do with age or pregnancy.

 

[Della]

Do you have kids? Oftentimes a woman will put all her efforts into keeping the kids in decent clothes and forget about herself.

Or, she hasn’t a clue how you feel and since you’ve never said anything about her appearance she assumes you don’t care.

A lot of people do get that “settled in” feeling after a few years of marriage. She most likely isn’t disrepecting you, she probably just feels secure and comfortable.

How to broach the subject is, as you indicated, quite delicate. Maybe you could confide in one of her gal friends and get her to say something to her–or have her gal pals get together and take her out to buy her some new clothes, with you footing the bill, of course. IOW, try to be creative and fun in how you approach this with your wife. You could give her a gift of a day of “fussing” just for her–her hair, nails, pedicure, facial, massage, and clothes at a nice boutique. I’m sure others will have some other good suggestions for you.

 

[AllSeasons]

Offer to go shopping with her for new clothes. No woman will say no to that.

 

[mommamia]

How about telling her “I love it when you wear _____”
Or pointing out styles you like (in a catalog or store, never on another woman), or buying her a nice outfit for a special date night.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Do you have kids? Oftentimes a woman will put all her efforts into keeping the kids in decent clothes and forget about herself.

No.

Or, she hasn’t a clue how you feel and since you’ve never said anything about her appearance she assumes you don’t care.

We have talked about it, but I have been a poor communicator. I’ve tried to drop hints. Obviously that is not the best way to go about it.

A lot of people do get that “settled in” feeling after a few years of marriage. She most likely isn’t disrepecting you, she probably just feels secure and comfortable.

I think that this is true, that she feels secure and comfortable… and for that I am glad.

I also think it is true that she is not aware that I feel disrespected and that this is not her intent.

How to broach the subject is, as you indicated, quite delicate. Maybe you could confide in one of her gal friends and get her to say something to her–or have her gal pals get together and take her out to buy her some new clothes, with you footing the bill, of course.

This was my first idea as well! However, I’m just afraid of bringing someone else into it because of the fear that it will get back to her. E.g., “[Dear husband] thinks you dress like an old bag!]”

You could give her a gift of a day of “fussing” just for her

Interesting idea!

–her hair, nails, pedicure, facial, massage, and clothes at a nice boutique. I’m sure others will have some other good suggestions for you.

Actually, the really weird thing about it is that she gets her hair and nails done often. She just doesn’t dress the part for some reason. And she has a bunch of wonderful clothes, but for some reason won’t wear them… they do appear to fit just fine by all indications.

 

[1inICXC]

I honestly think this is a very valid concern VLM.

I can’t really understand myself why women would just let themselves go. While it’s wonderful to be loved while you’re in rags, it certainly seems to undermine the dignity of the person and of the marriage to become careless in your appearance.

We have an acquaintance who after having a child, gained some weight and then just let everything go; shaved her head, wears only track pants with t-shirts and literally, never dresses up. I often wonder how her husband must feel as when they married she was totally different.

Now I understand there are circumstances when you can end up deformed, obese etc due to reasons beyond our control and of course our duty is to continue to love our spouse. But when it is a personal choice to look grubby all day it’s different.

I think you’re right in not being able to bring it up as a conversation topic as I don’t see how she would take it any other way than offensive or shallow. Perhaps, the only appropriate way to go about it is to buy her a nice, comfortable skirt or dress- like long, flowy cotton ones which are a trillion times more comfortable and airy than track pants- and see if she wears it. If so, buy her another, then another

I know it’s not practical to dress well around the house if there are young kids around, as everything gets stained or peed on, but there are always cheap, cotton, less trendy skirts you can find so even if they do get ruined, you know you didn’t loose a fortune and even if they’re not Zara it’s still more elegant to be in a skirt than pants for a change. Or even tights (capris) with a light tunic is more feminine.

I think in the end it comes down to a woman living according to her femininity. Track pants, day in and day out, simply doesn’t do.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Offer to go shopping with her for new clothes. No woman will say no to that.

This is a great suggestion. Unfortunately, the problem is not so much the lack of clothes (she gets nice outfits all the time, just never wears 'em.)

 

[underacloud]

My wife has a habit of dressing down too, though not to the extent of your wife by the sounds of it. I’d perfer she dressed up a bit more often, and in particular made more effort to look beautiful for me, but she has a fairly laid-back nature and that has many other benefits.

As with all things, the best results are obtained by praising the positives. I comment when she wears things that I like, saying how nice she looks in this and that. Hopefully she’ll wear them again and/or buy similar clothes.

Maybe you can encourage her to dress up a bit by taking her to places where even she would feel the need to dress up. Does she have a favourite restaurant that’s a bit more up market? Or a concert/show she’d like? Taking her to such things may help her become more accustomed to dressing up.

Also, I know it’s frustrating at times, but keep looking at the positives. I’d much prefer a laid-back wife who doesn’t feel the need to impress others to a vain wife who spends countless hours perfecting her makeup and appearance and associates her self-worth with the attention she receives from others (especially other men).

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

How about telling her “I love it when you wear _____”
Or pointing out styles you like .

I think I will try this. Thanks!

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

My wife has a habit of dressing down too, though not to the extent of your wife by the sounds of it. I’d perfer she dressed up a bit more often, and in particular made more effort to look beautiful for me, but she has a fairly laid-back nature and that has many other benefits.

As with all things, the best results are obtained by praising the positives. I comment when she wears things that I like, saying how nice she looks in this and that. Hopefully she’ll wear them again and/or buy similar clothes.

Good one.

Maybe you can encourage her to dress up a bit by taking her to places where even she would feel the need to dress up. Does she have a favourite restaurant that’s a bit more up market? Or a concert/show she’d like? Taking her to such things may help her become more accustomed to dressing up.

More good stuff!

Also, I know it’s frustrating at times, but keep looking at the positives. I’d much prefer a laid-back wife who doesn’t feel the need to impress others to a vain wife who spends countless hours perfecting her makeup and appearance and associates her self-worth with the attention she receives from others (especially other men).

I agree. Thanks for helping me keep my perspective.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I honestly think this is a very valid concern VLM.

Appreciate it. I’m doing my very best not to come off as a shallow jerk. I don’t think that’s what I am with regards to this issue.

 

[EatTheFishPeter]

Shouldn’t you be more concerned about internal beauty?Anyway…
1.Make her smile, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile”, that’s the most important part. Take her shoe shopping, give her a generous budget to shop on, buy her earings.
2. Make her laugh. Neutral colors and faded tones are illusions.You are able to see a broader spectrum of colors when you laugh.(it’s true)

 

[faithfully]

m not asking her to be Mrs. Universe here or anything, by no means does she need to get all decked out like a ballerina, and by no means does it have to happen every day… even once a week or once every other week or heck, once a month would probably be fine…

I had to giggle here. Ballerina’s wear tights and leotards. And when we get away with it, sweats, leg warmers and sweaters. Hair slicked in a bun, and no makeup. Hardly fancy attire. Are you referring to a costume? Oh dear, those are terribly expensive. I’m just teasing you!

The reason why it upsets me is that, although I want her to be completely comfortable in my love and know that how she looks is not the be-all end-all of our marriage, I frankly keep feeling disrespected by this behavior.

Do you think she actually dresses for you? or that she’s failing to dress for you?

I mean, I know that her love for me is such that I needn’t buy her flowers or write her love notes to maintain her love, but I do so anyway. Because I choose to continue to court her. So, I would hope that her attitude about it wouldn’t be, “why bother? I can ‘get away’ with it.”

IMO, the sooner you realize she can’t read your mind the better. I assume you plan to be married for a long, long time. Start talking!

My problem is that I think this is a sensitive topic, and I just can’t figure out a way to communicate it without sounding accusatory and thus raising some defenses. I certainly don’t want to imply that she doesn’t respect me at all, because that’s definitely not true.

Except for above you say that you do feel disrespected. But now you say you know that’s not true. I can see why you’re having a hard time with the approach.

We normally have good communication, but every time I practice the conversation in my head, I end up sounding accusatory or potentially offensive and I don’t want to turn it into something where it’s like “Oh I don’t respect YOU? Why don’t you put the toilet seat down, bub?” LOL

Do you think there are things you do that she feels disrespected by? Funny you mention the toilet seat. Is this actually an issue? It truly can be. LOL! I think it speaks volumes when you walk into a bathroom and the seat was left up. It’s like walking through a door, and shutting it behind you and not waiting and holding it.

Or, even worse, I don’t want it to come out sounding like I’m saying she isn’t beautiful and that she “needs” to dress better in order for me to appreciate her beauty, because that is not true either.

So far I’ve skirted (no pun intended) around the issue, and she typically responds that, “Well, I HATE dressing up, I just want to be comfortable.” But so far I have not brought my feelings into the conversation…

I’m curious what “dressing up” is to you? A skirt? jeans? Do you have a style in mind? Does she know what that style is? If she’s physically uncomfortable in the clothes you want her to wear, and she doesn’t have a job that requires them, why is it more important that you like what you see? At her discomfort?

I don’t know how to summarize my feelings better other than to say that I feel disrespected and dishonored by this particular behavior. How can I communicate my feelings in an appropriate and loving way?

I don’t have a lot of advise here. Does she not show you respect and honor in other fashions? In her speech and how she talks to you? I sort of get where you are coming from. But at the same time it kind of feels like you’re talking about a barbie doll. And also that your placing how she values you and your love on what she wears as opposed to how she actually behaves towards you. I also think you’re on a slippery slope between you feeling disrespected and dishonored and her feeling objectified.

Perhaps there is more to this story?

I would be concerned however, if she’s lost total interest in self care. That’s not about you, but rather about the state of mind that she’s in.

Also, you don’t have to answer here, but are there any money issues? Does she see spending money on clothes as a waste? Could it be she doesn’t feel like spending your hard earned money on something so trivial and overated as designer clothing? Or anything extra special? I can tell you, for example when it comes to the home budget, a new wardrobe for my work at home self is pretty much on the bottom of the list.

Just some ideas.

Edited to add - we have been married for 3 years, and she hasn’t been pregnant so it’s nothing to do with age or pregnancy.

No ideas why she suddenly dresses up less? Other than comfort? How about suggestion you go shopping for comfy clothes that look less ratty. Embrace her comfort. Comfort with style!

 

[AllSeasons]

This is a great suggestion. Unfortunately, the problem is not so much the lack of clothes (she gets nice outfits all the time, just never wears 'em.)

A woman may open a closet full of clothes and say she can’t find anything to wear. However, if she buys something new, she implicitly agrees to wearing it; otherwise, she’s going to have a hard sell to get anything new in the future. Hence, if you buy her something new, she’s obligated to wear it at least once.

 

[Journey322]

How about telling her “I love it when you wear _____”
Or pointing out styles you like (in a catalog or store, never on another woman), or buying her a nice outfit for a special date night.

I like this idea. Approach it from a positive perspective so that it doesn’t come off as a criticism. When she takes your advice make sure you let her know that you notice and like what you see.

 

[EasterJoy]

My wife dresses so poorly. Outside of work, it’s hardly anything but sweatpants and sweatshirts, ratty tee’s, gym clothes, that kind of thing. …

…So far I’ve skirted (no pun intended) around the issue, and she typically responds that, “Well, I HATE dressing up, I just want to be comfortable.” But so far I have not brought my feelings into the conversation…

First of all, make it a point to compliment how nice she looks when she goes off to work.

Second, when she says, “I hate dressing up, I just want to be comfortable” you can a) commiserate (because you like to dress comfortably yourself) and then say b) “you know, maybe we can find something comfortable for ourselves at Land’s End or L.L. Bean or maybe Title Nine for you (titlenine.com/category/skorts-skirts-dresses/new-arrivals.do?nType=2; the dresses are for exercise, so a bit short for going out and about, but fine for around home with one’s husband). I know it takes an effort, and I don’t want to spend a fortune or anything, but I love the way you look when you go off to work. I’d like to look like that for each other again.”

Then make it a point to look nice for her. Buy her some pretty comfortable clothes to wear around home. Compliment her when she looks nice, and be solicitous that her “nice” clothes feel as good as they look. Find her some jewelry that is fun and looks nice with her comfy clothes. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but just to make it fun to look nice. I don’t think you’ll go wrong with that kind of attention.

If you have been making an effort to look nice for her and get no response in kind, then that is the time to bring up how you feel when she doesn’t want to make the effort for you that you have been trying to make for her. At this point, the toilet seat is a different topic, and good communication shelves that for a separate conversation. First, though, I’d look into finding her comfortable clothing that looks good on her. Husbands will spend money on clothing for their wives that many wives wouldn’t think of spending on clothing to wear around home. I think that is the way to go.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Shouldn’t you be more concerned about internal beauty?Anyway…
1.Make her smile, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile”, that’s the most important part. Take her shoe shopping, give her a generous budget to shop on, buy her earings.
2. Make her laugh. Neutral colors and faded tones are illusions.You are able to see a broader spectrum of colors when you laugh.(it’s true)

I agree with all you said, and I don’t think it is outer beauty that I’m focused on.

It’s the difference between me not providing for my family vs. me not trying to provide for my family.

That is to say, I’m concerned with the effort, not the results.

It may sound like a cop-out, but when she shows me affection in ways such as this, then it helps me be a better, stronger husband as well. It’s about our marriage as a whole.

 

[Della]

It occured to me that she may be a little depressed. Oftentimes people let themselves go when they have a poor self image, be it weight or feelings of “I’m not worth it” and other such causes. If she wanted to have children, for instance and none have come, that could be it, as well. Sometimes a woman can feel the loss but not be able to express it or even be aware how it’s affecting her. What I’m saying is it most likely has nothing to do with how she feels about you and everything to do with how she feels about herself. Take it from an older married lady, it’s always best not to assume what you don’t know. You may simply want to ask her if she’s been feeling a little blue lately, to break the ice, but be ready for a melt down if there’s something bothering her.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

If you have been making an effort to look nice for her and get no response in kind,

I have. From the OP,

For my part, I often slum around like her at home, but I still find occasions to wear button down collared shirts and dress pants, or a neat shirt with khaki’s, etc, etc., groom myself well and make sure my hair is neat, etc.

So basically I’m not gonna lie and say I’m nice and neat all the time, (who is?) but I definitely do put in an effort wearing dress pants, button down shirts, slacks, khaki’s, polos, etc.

then that is the time to bring up how you feel when she doesn’t want to make the effort for you that you have been trying to make for her. At this point, the toilet seat is a different topic, and good communication shelves that for a separate conversation. First, though, I’d look into finding her comfortable clothing that looks good on her. Husbands will spend money on clothing for their wives that many wives wouldn’t think of spending on clothing to wear around home. I think that is the way to go.

Thanks for the advice. I wish we had more $$$ but we are just getting by right now.

 

[LilyM]

I think I will try this. Thanks!

I really think that it’s the way to go if she has a cupboard full of clothes.

As you’re getting ready to go out casually say something like ‘y’know honey, you have that lovely top/dress/skirt (describe it so she knows which one) in the cupboard there - and you look so pretty in it. I’d love you to wear it today’.

That shouldn’t go down as criticism. And if she’s anything like me, chances are she doesn’t even remember some of the clothes she has!