My wife dresses terribly

[VeritasLuxMea]

It occured to me that she may be a little depressed. Oftentimes people let themselves go when they have a poor self image, be it weight or feelings of “I’m not worth it” and other such causes. If she wanted to have children, for instance and none have come, that could be it, as well. Sometimes a woman can feel the loss but not be able to express it or even be aware how it’s affecting her. What I’m saying is it most likely has nothing to do with how she feels about you and everything to do with how she feels about herself. Take it from an older married lady, it’s always best not to assume what you don’t know. You may simply want to ask her if she’s been feeling a little blue lately, to break the ice, but be ready for a melt down if there’s something bothering her.

Thank you, Della. She does have a negative self-image regarding her looks. I’ve encouraged her to go to counseling with me (I go myself, and I don’t think one needs to be “crazy” to do so) but she doesn’t believe that counseling is beneficial and I’ve had a tough time trying to convince her otherwise.

I always encourage her to share her thoughts and feelings. Sadly, this is one difference in our family of origins that has been tough to crack: hers is ice cold and she was never encouraged to talk about her feelings.

Our communication has improved a lot since we married, and she is a wonderful, beautiful, virtuous woman, but I’m afraid childhood runs deep on this issue.

 

[LilyM]

Thank you, Della. She does have a negative self-image regarding her looks. I’ve encouraged her to go to counseling with me (I go myself, and I don’t think one needs to be “crazy” to do so) but she doesn’t believe that counseling is beneficial and I’ve had a tough time trying to convince her otherwise.

Hmm, having a negative self image doesn’t call for a ‘go to counselling’ from your husband necessarily, sometimes it just calls for the occasional extra ‘you look lovely’ when she does make an effort.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Hmm, having a negative self image doesn’t call for a ‘go to counselling’ from your husband necessarily, sometimes it just calls for the occasional extra ‘you look lovely’ when she does make an effort.

Well, you can rest assured that I tell her that I love her and that she is beautiful every day!

But she has said she is ugly and sometimes gets upset about that. So I just said that if she ever wants to talk to someone that she knows she can talk to me… but that I could help her find a counselor if she liked as well.

I think counseling is good and helpful in almost all stages of life, others clearly do not. Again, this is kind of a philosophical disagreement between myself and most other people so I don’t want to get too much into it.

 

[Miguelita]

I second the “I love it when you wear ___” Once my husband told me he liked seeing how pretty I lookedin denim skirts, I started wearing them more often!

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I had to giggle here. Ballerina’s wear tights and leotards. And when we get away with it, sweats, leg warmers and sweaters. Hair slicked in a bun, and no makeup. Hardly fancy attire. Are you referring to a costume? Oh dear, those are terribly expensive. I’m just teasing you!

I didn’t know that.

Do you think she actually dresses for you? or that she’s failing to dress for you?

I’m sorry, I don’t understand the questions.

IMO, the sooner you realize she can’t read your mind the better. I assume you plan to be married for a long, long time. Start talking!

We do talk. I am soliciting opinions because this is one area where I’m having trouble with that communication, but I’m clearly committed to it or else I wouldn’t be seeking advice.

Except for above you say that you do feel disrespected. But now you say you know that’s not true. I can see why you’re having a hard time with the approach.

These are two different things.

It is true that I feel disrespected by it, that’s the entire reason it upsets me.

It is also true that I know she does not want to make me feel disrespected.

I don’t believe I have contradicted myself on this.

Do you think there are things you do that she feels disrespected by?

I’m sure. No spouse is perfect.

Funny you mention the toilet seat. Is this actually an issue? It truly can be. LOL! I think it speaks volumes when you walk into a bathroom and the seat was left up. It’s like walking through a door, and shutting it behind you and not waiting and holding it.

No, not really. I’m sure I’ve forgotten it before but she’s never really brought it up. Just using a stereotypical problem.

I’m curious what “dressing up” is to you? A skirt? jeans?

Jeans would be a start, yeah. Anything neat, really. Doesn’t have to be a skirt or dress.

Do you have a style in mind?

No.

No. Does she know what that style is?

She knows that I prefer her not to wear sweats all the time. I’m sure she feels the same way about me… lol.

If she’s physically uncomfortable in the clothes you want her to wear, and she doesn’t have a job that requires them, why is it more important that you like what you see? At her discomfort?

I’ve been explaining that throughout this entire thread.

Imagine you show up on a date and the person is wearing a raggy tee shirt and sweats. For some, that might be a problem. But I think for most of us, it shows respect to dress well. (Again, this doesn’t mean a ballroom gown or anything crazy, but what’s wrong with a blouse?)

I mean… come now. Spouses do things that they might not prefer to do all the time for their spouses. I don’t like mowing the lawn and would just as soon let it grow into a forest… but my wife disagrees. So I mow the darn thing.

I don’t have a lot of advise here. Does she not show you respect and honor in other fashions?

I said as much. Yes.

In her speech and how she talks to you?

Yes.

I sort of get where you are coming from. But at the same time it kind of feels like you’re talking about a barbie doll.

You think I’m treating her like a barbie doll because I would prefer that she does not exclusively wear raggy sweats 7 days a week and occasionally attempt to look nice for me?

In that case, I already treat myself like a barbie doll every time I dress decently or buy her roses or chocolates or take her out, etc.

And also that your placing how she values you and your love on what she wears as opposed to how she actually behaves towards you.

Come now, read my original post. I have clearly said this is not the case.

also think you’re on a slippery slope between you feeling disrespected and dishonored and her feeling objectified.

Seriously? Is it that absurd to think once a week or twice a month that she would attempt to look nice? (And again, I’m not even talking about a dress…)

Perhaps there is more to this story?

Like what???

I would be concerned however, if she’s lost total interest in self care. That’s not about you, but rather about the state of mind that she’s in.

That is not the case.

Also, you don’t have to answer here, but are there any money issues? Does she see spending money on clothes as a waste? Could it be she doesn’t feel like spending your hard earned money on something so trivial and overated as designer clothing? Or anything extra special? I can tell you, for example when it comes to the home budget, a new wardrobe for my work at home self is pretty much on the bottom of the list.

She has lots of clothes. She gets new clothes a few times a year. I don’t know how to compare man’s clothes to women’s clothes.

That said, we certainly don’t have the money to send her on a shopping spree at the moment, I envy those who do.

 

[Do_Good_Then_Go]

You said she feels she is ‘ugly’ so I suppose it’s fair to say she has a poor self image. I’m a bit the same.

What happens with me is that I can easily fall into the trap of ‘not making an effort’ because it feels like I don’t look any better when I get a little bit dressed up and that’s very disheartening.

My husband is great but no matter how often he tells me I look nice, I find it hard to believe him. I think he’s saying it because he loves me, not because it’s really true.

It’s something I really struggle with.

 

[andremiguel]

My wife dresses so poorly. Outside of work, it’s hardly anything but sweatpants and sweatshirts, ratty tee’s, gym clothes, that kind of thing. Often times her sweats will be a little “unkempt”, just ugly looking things. If we’re going out, then sometimes she’ll throw on jeans or maybe a decent looking blouse but even this is rare, to be honest.

Now, she was never a fancy dresser to begin with, but I feel that when we were dating/engaged/newlyweds there were at least more times when she made an effort. Now it’s just like she’s given up.

For my part, I often slum around like her at home, but I still find occasions to wear button down collared shirts and dress pants, or a neat shirt with khaki’s, etc, etc., groom myself well and make sure my hair is neat, etc.

I’m not asking her to be Mrs. Universe here or anything, by no means does she need to get all decked out like a ballerina, and by no means does it have to happen every day… even once a week or once every other week or heck, once a month would probably be fine…

The reason why it upsets me is that, although I want her to be completely comfortable in my love and know that how she looks is not the be-all end-all of our marriage, I frankly keep feeling disrespected by this behavior.

I mean, I know that her love for me is such that I needn’t buy her flowers or write her love notes to maintain her love, but I do so anyway. Because I choose to continue to court her. So, I would hope that her attitude about it wouldn’t be, “why bother? I can ‘get away’ with it.”

My problem is that I think this is a sensitive topic, and I just can’t figure out a way to communicate it without sounding accusatory and thus raising some defenses. I certainly don’t want to imply that she doesn’t respect me at all, because that’s definitely not true.

We normally have good communication, but every time I practice the conversation in my head, I end up sounding accusatory or potentially offensive and I don’t want to turn it into something where it’s like “Oh I don’t respect YOU? Why don’t you put the toilet seat down, bub?” LOL

Or, even worse, I don’t want it to come out sounding like I’m saying she isn’t beautiful and that she “needs” to dress better in order for me to appreciate her beauty, because that is not true either.

So far I’ve skirted (no pun intended) around the issue, and she typically responds that, “Well, I HATE dressing up, I just want to be comfortable.” But so far I have not brought my feelings into the conversation…

I don’t know how to summarize my feelings better other than to say that I feel disrespected and dishonored by this particular behavior. How can I communicate my feelings in an appropriate and loving way?

Edited to add - we have been married for 3 years, and she hasn’t been pregnant so it’s nothing to do with age or pregnancy.

Easy. I am like your wife and my wife is like you.
So, I opted to wear only what my wife tells me to wear, and she buys me all the clothes. For me, it does not matter at all (though sometimes I wish i could wear more hippyly) and she is happy.
Now, she wants me to be independent and choose my clothes … her taste, which I explained to her to be impossible.
So, it is a reasonable compromise.

 

[englishredrose]

My wife dresses so poorly. Outside of work, it’s hardly anything but sweatpants and sweatshirts, ratty tee’s, gym clothes, that kind of thing. Often times her sweats will be a little “unkempt”, just ugly looking things. If we’re going out, then sometimes she’ll throw on jeans or maybe a decent looking blouse but even this is rare, to be honest.

Now, she was never a fancy dresser to begin with, but I feel that when we were dating/engaged/newlyweds there were at least more times when she made an effort. Now it’s just like she’s given up.

For my part, I often slum around like her at home, but I still find occasions to wear button down collared shirts and dress pants, or a neat shirt with khaki’s, etc, etc., groom myself well and make sure my hair is neat, etc.

I’m not asking her to be Mrs. Universe here or anything, by no means does she need to get all decked out like a ballerina, and by no means does it have to happen every day… even once a week or once every other week or heck, once a month would probably be fine…

The reason why it upsets me is that, although I want her to be completely comfortable in my love and know that how she looks is not the be-all end-all of our marriage, I frankly keep feeling disrespected by this behavior.

I mean, I know that her love for me is such that I needn’t buy her flowers or write her love notes to maintain her love, but I do so anyway. Because I choose to continue to court her. So, I would hope that her attitude about it wouldn’t be, “why bother? I can ‘get away’ with it.”

My problem is that I think this is a sensitive topic, and I just can’t figure out a way to communicate it without sounding accusatory and thus raising some defenses. I certainly don’t want to imply that she doesn’t respect me at all, because that’s definitely not true.

We normally have good communication, but every time I practice the conversation in my head, I end up sounding accusatory or potentially offensive and I don’t want to turn it into something where it’s like “Oh I don’t respect YOU? Why don’t you put the toilet seat down, bub?” LOL

Or, even worse, I don’t want it to come out sounding like I’m saying she isn’t beautiful and that she “needs” to dress better in order for me to appreciate her beauty, because that is not true either.

So far I’ve skirted (no pun intended) around the issue, and she typically responds that, “Well, I HATE dressing up, I just want to be comfortable.” But so far I have not brought my feelings into the conversation…

I don’t know how to summarize my feelings better other than to say that I feel disrespected and dishonored by this particular behavior. How can I communicate my feelings in an appropriate and loving way?

Edited to add - we have been married for 3 years, and she hasn’t been pregnant so it’s nothing to do with age or pregnancy.

You probably hate my style too sounds similar though I find jeans not soft enough these days . To be honest if she is clean and does fit her reasonably then you can’t really expect her to change to suit you. You can change how you feel in time and learn to love her for it. But really she probably has always dressed like this and you are just beginning to get to know her properly and naturallly finding the bits you don’t like harder to handle than before. You would much rather her be happy and comfortable would you not than just dressing to keep your image/ego happy?

 

[Sam_777]

VeritasLuxMea,

My opinion that you should love her for what she is, love her soul, love her personality, not her body or what she wears…

 

[mariyka]

It occured to me that she may be a little depressed. Oftentimes people let themselves go when they have a poor self image, be it weight or feelings of “I’m not worth it” and other such causes. If she wanted to have children, for instance and none have come, that could be it, as well. Sometimes a woman can feel the loss but not be able to express it or even be aware how it’s affecting her. What I’m saying is it most likely has nothing to do with how she feels about you and everything to do with how she feels about herself. Take it from an older married lady, it’s always best not to assume what you don’t know. You may simply want to ask her if she’s been feeling a little blue lately, to break the ice, but be ready for a melt down if there’s something bothering her.

This is exactly what crossed my mind first, (being an older married lady). Was she like this when you were dating? That might give you the answer.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

My husband and I had a conversation about this the other day. I had just changed into my “comfy” clothes, which I usually do almost immediately after returning home. He said “You looked so pretty in that, why did you change?”

If he had said that to me before I’d changed, I probably wouldn’t have! We just have two different styles- he doesn’t change until it’s time for bed, and he says that he is perfectly comfortable hanging around the house in his regular clothes. I am uncomfortable in jeans or dress clothes, and always hang around the house in pj’s or shorts.

One thing to consider is that women’s bodies go through a lot more fluctuations than a man’s does, and our clothes fit differently from day to day. Our stomachs can go from flat one day to busting out of our jeans the next, our bras fit perfectly one day and the next day we need to use different hooks. I feel much more comfortable when the button on my pants is not punching a hole in my abdomen. (And I am not overweight.) So try to be understanding of that.

Also, how often do you tell her she looks nice in something? I know that when my husband tells me this, I am much more likely to wear it. Maybe she doesn’t need the flowers, maybe she needs to hear you say nice things to her.

It sounds like you’re a nice guy who wants to be tactful with his wife, but the fact that you feel she is “disrespecting” you by dressing comfortably is a little concerning. Maybe it’s just a word choice thing, but I don’t believe it’s disrespectful to my husband if I choose to lounge around in sweatpants because they are comfortable. I think the most you can do is make sure she knows when you like something she is wearing. But in the end, home is where we let our guard down; it’s where we can be the most comfortable. Don’t make your wife feel as though she can’t do that or as though she’s not attractive enough to you unless she’s dressed in something other than sweats. Because if she already has insecurities, you’ll just make it worse.

 

[KnitNut]

The problem here, OP, is that you are writing “covert contracts”.

You dress up for her in an effort to “inspire” her to dress up for you. She is not aware that you have this background expectation of reciprocity, something she has not specifically discussed & agreed. She wears her comfy clothes. You get all hurt, disappointed & “disrespected” because she didn’t fulfill your unspoken, unilateral “agreement”. Silly her, she thinks you’re wearing khakis & a button down because that’s what you felt like wearing.

You create these scenarios in your head and then get let down when they don’t work out, when she fails to uphold her end of the unspoken bargain. This is absolutely toxic to a marriage. Toxic.

(Sorta like the blokes who do the dishes once in a while, harboring the unspoken expectation that the wife will give a “thank you” session of hot sex…and then they frump around the next day because that covert contract didn’t get them what they were really after.)

If you want to “inspire” her to dress differently, either a) bring her places where the dressier clothes are appropriate and let her dress herself accordingly; b) actually sit down, man up & voice your issue about her clothing choices.

But before you do this, is it really just what she’s wearing? Or is it something deeper, where you’re feeling like you’re “carrying the load” of the relationship? If I were a gambling woman, I’d bet the latter. In which case, couples counseling is probably the better idea long term…before toxic patterns and unspoken expectations really damage things.

 

[The_Bucket]

You said she feels she is ‘ugly’ so I suppose it’s fair to say she has a poor self image. I’m a bit the same.

What happens with me is that I can easily fall into the trap of ‘not making an effort’ because it feels like I don’t look any better when I get a little bit dressed up and that’s very disheartening.

My husband is great but no matter how often he tells me I look nice, I find it hard to believe him. I think he’s saying it because he loves me, not because it’s really true.

It’s something I really struggle with.

This. And possibly the mild depression thing. I can totally get that it’s tough to make an effort when the trials and tribulations of life hit but I’ve found in my own experience that even moms with a bunch of kids like to get a break from all of that and dress up nice and go out with their husbands. Spending an hour in front of the mirror getting spiffed up is a big break from the hectic flow of life.

So yeah, something could definitely be up since you’re saying that you’re making an effort in regards to constantly courting and all of that. My suggestion would be to follow the advice of others and take her out somewhere nice. Doesn’t mean expensive, I mean somewhere nice where you’d want to be dressed up. Even to a church choir performance or something. Good Catholic women have to dress up for church right?! It’s a trap!

And I’d also dress slightly nicer yourself around the house. No need for button-ups but maybe a comfortable polo and khaki shorts or something? Nothing formal but make the subtle hint that both of you should carry yourselves better even at home. That way going out, even for a walk around the neighborhood, will be easier too because she wouldn’t have to change out of “rags” into something nice. She’s already wearing something decent but not uncomfortable.

Good luck.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Veritas, I lost track - did you say she’d gained any weight since you married? When women gain weight we can get VERY self-critical and spiral down into acting like we just don’t care any more, and slop around in whatever will fit and not be too tight.

I struggle with depression as well, and self-care is low on the list of priorities. In fact, it isn’t on the list at all. A depressed person neglects herself - it’s in the definition of depression to feel as if one doesn’t deserve to be taken care of, and then there’s the energy it takes to care for one’s appearance.

One factor which I don’t think anyone has brought up is that outer appearances may have mattered a great deal in her family growing up. The outside appearance of the family may have been impeccable, yet under that carefully groomed appearance, there might have been deep dysfunction such as alcoholism. So to her, keeping up a well-dressed appearance might be a reminder of a false picture of a happy home. When she slops around, she would be showing you that she trusts you enough to not create a false surface appearance.

What I suggest is honesty. You need to talk to her about this. But do NOT say that you feel disrespected - she will probably get defensive. Keep it neutral. Go somewhere with her (Mass?) where she has to dress up a little, and ask her, “Do you like to dress up? Or do you hate it?” Just ask her questions and get her talking about clothing, grooming, etc. and ask further questions about her family of origin. You said there is a lot of work she needs to do on that subject, so I think you will learn something if she will just talk to you.

It is not personal - it’s her stuff. And It’s hard for me to tell if you are over-reacting to her just being relaxed. If she starts going out with no make up and wearing sweats, it might be time for an intervention like “What Not to Wear” on TLC!

 

[MrsFlapjack]

That’s an interesting thought Juliana brought up. Hadn’t thought of that.

Your wife sounds a bit like me except I don’t spend a dime on makeup, salon visits, or getting my nails done. Everyone has their reasons for dressing down, for me a lot of it is my refusal to get sucked into the extreme superficialness of the world. When I was a teenager, I knew girls that would spend gobs of money on clothes, read all the Seventeen magazines for makeup tips, and spend hours a day just primping. It just seemed to me to be an extreme waste of time and money. So I went the opposite direction. No makeup, no fancy clothes, no fancy hairstyle, and I chew my nails. As you can imagine, I wasn’t very popular because of it, but I also didn’t care what anyone thought.

So now that I’m grown up, money is tight at my house, so I have chosen not to spend a dime on my personal appearance. My clothes are all torn up, but I do have a few nice dresses that I wear to Mass. It isn’t worth taking food out of the mouths of my kids so I can have a nice hair style.

But I haven’t let myself completely slide. I do watch my weight; it’s important to stay healthy for my kids. Has your wife let her weight go and put on a bunch of pounds? If so, I agree with the above posters, she may be depressed. My mother was depressed for many years and she put on tons of weight. If so, you may look into getting some counseling for her.

 

[Palomas]

Sounds a little like hubby and me except in reverse, and I can totally understand the disrespected feeling. I’ve had to talk to him a lot about how clothing shows how much you respect the other person/people that you’re with, and for church how your clothing shows what you think of God. Hubby prefers to wear as comfortable clothing as he can get away with while still being within the unspoken bounds of acceptable. At home, he immediately changes from his work attire into pjs. So frustrating, but I’ve started telling him how attractive he is when he’s dressed up more, and since then he’s stayed in his work clothes a little bit longer. He still doesn’t totally get the connection of clothing/respect, but at least now he’s starting to make an effort for me. It’s not about wearing suits and ties all the time, or in your wife’s case dresses or skirts, it’s about making the effort to present oneself a little more nicely for our us, no?

Others have had some good advice on emphasizing the positives. If you go the route of directly mentioning the respect thing, maybe saying something in a more lighthearted tone like “you’re probably going to think I’m crazy, but I feel like you respect me even more since you’ve made the effort to wear [specifically mention the article of clothing – that nice blouse, etc.] even when you probably would’ve preferred to wear something more comfy.” And whenever she does make the slightest effort to dress a little more nicely, mention something along those lines.

I also wonder as others have mentioned/asked, if she’s gained a little bit of weight. Even a little bit of weight gain for us ladies sometimes makes us feel totally “fat” and “ugly” and like we have nothing to wear. And as one poster mentioned, especially if we’re feeling this way it’s hard to believe when our husbands say we’re pretty because we think they’re just saying it to be nice.

Another thought I had – maxi dresses/skirts made of jersey material are as comfy as they come, yet they take the dressiness factor up a notch. They’re all the rage now. You could pick one up for her from Ross or TJ Maxx for under $18 I’m sure. I would recommend a tank underneath for wearing in public as they tend to dip down and show cleavage, but for house lounging they’re great. And they cover a multitude of sins (perceived or otherwise), lol.

 

[mamaslo]

When she wears the decent blouse and jeans, emphasize how much you like it on her. That it compliments her eyes…I bet she will wear it again…or something like it, because you like it on her. You could move on to say…later…do you have a dress in that color? or I really like that teal blue on you, do you have any more things with that color?

Keep it positive and be patient.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

What about just being straight with her. Granted, this will require real communication, but that skill will come in handy many times in your life. Here are some things to say:

“Honey, I’ve noticed that you’re dressing down a lot more lately. Why is that?”
Listen, commiserate with her, encourage her…

“Honey, I appreciate your reasons for why you like to dress down, but I really loved it when you used to dress up more. It felt like you were at least partly dressing that way for me, which made me feel loved. I miss that. You have some really nice clothes, and you are really beautiful. I would love to see you dress up a little more often.”
See what her response is, remain respectful. Focus on her attractiveness and make sure to tell her that she is beautiful and attractive even when she’s not dressed up, but let her know how good it feels to you when you see each other after a long day and she made that effort to look nice for you. Let her know that you want to do the things that are important to her too, and are open to hearing her thoughts on the topic.

It shouldn’t be something that she HAS to do for you, but you shouldn’t have to be afraid of lovingly expressing your preference either.

 

[faithfully]

“You looked so pretty in that, why did you change?”

This would bug me. DH and I are very close and I know I can say anything. Honestly, if he said that to me, I’m quite certain I’d respond with “I look pretty in anything! and NOW I’m pretty and comfy!”

Much of women’s clothing falls into the category of torture device. As a former dancer I could wear any height of heel, and could never understand all the whining about uncomfy shoes. Until I had an injury involving my ankle, and was informed the grotesque range of motion that I was then plagued with was considered “average.” Oh My, how any woman would suffer through what was easy for me was finally understood. How any person would want them too then seemed cruel.

OP, perhaps the thing you can say, I use this with friends asking for an honest opinion about an outfit. If it looks bad, I say, “That does not flatter you.” That just gave you a short waist you don’t have. It makes your bum look a mile wide when it isn’t. Your legs just shrank 3 inches, or your bust is now HUGE or tiny compared to reality. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, say these things just as you need to leave, and she has nothing else to wear.

I do feel you’ve picked a bit of a style you’d like to see. You ask why she can’t wear a blouse. I would respond ICK! I don’t like most blouses. Sure for a bank job. But I’d be stripping down to a sweats and a t quickly. That’s why. Maybe she doesn’t like what’s in her closet. I have a mound of clothing that I can’t stand. Usually things purchased for me.

From your description, she clearly has a self image issue. And sadly whatever you say will not change that. If it were only so easy, anorexia, bulima, body dismorphic disorder would not exist today.

Cut out all the middle descriptions, and you reach the fact that she doesn’t have a good self image, and you feel disrespected by that. You have a need that currently she can’t fulfil because she has a problem.

A person with a poor self image is going to have a very hard personal time getting to thinking they could actually look pretty or handsome. It’s possible she will actually start to feel pressure in this arena, and feel unable to meet the challange. She may truly not know how to put an outfit together. Have you seen what some people walk around in, head held high?

When you get to the point of talking to her about it, remove yourself from the equation. Let her know that you’ve noticed she never dresses up, and that you’re worried it’s a reflection of how she feels with regard to self worth, and what not. With a poor body image, I think you have to be very careful not to make it worse. Depression and poor body image go hand in hand. No one is excited about a body they think is ugly, or unattractive. They are generally sad about this. They may easily be able to function, as they realize it’s not the worst thing in the world, but there is an element of sadness that will exist. IMO And I can’t even imagine where her self image will head to when she gets pregnant, feels sick all the time, and feels like there are houses smaller than her on the market.

She does need help. But you need to realize it’s for her. Not you.

Just think, let’s say tomorrow she started dressing as you wished.Would the problem be solved? Could you be happy knowing that her self image was still in the tank?

Dig deeper. This situation sounds like an opportunity to grow within your relationship.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Here is one other thought.

Sometimes, I avoid dressing up because it seems to incite lust in my husband. Like, anything I wear that hugs my body causes him to act like a teenage boy. It’s embarrassing to me, and makes me think that I should just dress in gunny sacks so he doesn’t start getting turned on. And no, I do NOT have a great body - I’m at least 15 lbs. overweight at the moment. I would like to be able to dress nicely without getting leered at.