My wife dresses terribly

[faithfully]

I know how hard it is to shop for anything new, and I’ve come out of stores in tears, too. The problem isn’t that we gals have a few extra pounds it’s that we’re made to feel like we’re nothing if we don’t resemble a celery stick instead of a cream puff.

There’s one TV show that is trying to go against that trend of making women feel guilty for their body type/weight – “What not to Wear”. Stacy and Clinton (the shows stars) tell women all the time that it isn’t their body that is bad/wrong, but the clothes. They teach women how to dress themselves to look good in their own bodies by choosing the right clothes for them.

We gals really don’t know how to dress our own bodies. But, it’s possible. If a gal doesn’t know what she needs she should ask one of the stores helpers. I’ll relate a little story:

I had gone to this same store many times and never found something that fit, but I was too embarrassed to ask for help. I had an upcoming wedding to attend and was determined to get something that looked right on me. So, I swallowed my pride and asked for help, letting the gal at the store know my figure problems. She didn’t bat an eye at that, but went right to work finding me something that matched my needs. And sure enough, she picked out a really nice dress that fit me to a tee. It didn’t remove my figure problems, but it showed off my best qualities, which is all any woman can expect unless she’s a super model and even they have figure issues but we just don’t hear about them.

It could be why a lot of women dress sloppily–they are simply stuck thinking there are no clothes out there that fit them. But, it’s not true. And the size on the tag means NOTHING. All that matters is the garment fits and makes a woman feel good about herself.

So, bear that in mind when talking about clothes with your wives, men and you’ll have a much easier time understanding why a woman might feel she doesn’t deserve any new, pretty clothes.

This really pins down a lot. Although I find on the what not to wear show, this lady gets $2000 credit card and ends up with 4 outfits.

 

[Della]

This really pins down a lot. Although I find on the what not to wear show, this lady gets $2000 credit card and ends up with 4 outfits.

Well, they generally get a lot more than that on the show. Still, it’s better to spend $200 on an outfit one will actually wear than the same amount on a dozen dresses that just hang in the closet. Stacy and Clinton emphasize buying quality pieces a person can wear with other pieces often enough to make it worth the price.

 

[faithfully]

And yeah, real ballerinas really wear some pretty ratty clothes in the studio: I should know. I danced for NYC Ballet for twenty-two years, and most of my studio clothes would have been suitable for cleaning the garage or painting an outhouse. Most of us wore tights that were more runs than fabric, shoes were blown out and covered with duct tape, and I used to deliberately rip old sweaters and customize them to fit exercise needs. I didn’t have a pair of leg warmers that were intact or matched each other after I was through with my apprenticeship.

LOL! And here I painted a more dainty picture. I’ll never forget when mom washed my tights with God knows what. The color change was not appreciated. And my favorite sweat shorts have the biggest holes ever. I’m not sure if someone snuck in my drawer and tossed them. I haven’t seen them in eons! A dancer and a pair of scissors seems to substitute for quality seamstresses on just about any given day. Will never forget when a “friend” stapled my ribbons on. In her effort to help me when I was in a hurry. And well a door jam served just as well as a hammer for a quick break-in, with a little water, for new toe shoes. Industrial little petites! Did you ever poly eurothain your point shoes for extended wear?

I never made it as far as a pro company. Sorry for the digression. Odile I read your ballet posts and always have a sigh with “what if” attached. I enjoy your stories!

 

[HisIsTheCrown]

Maybe she really is just dressing down after a long day at work. Maybe she really is more comfortable in a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt. And yeah, real ballerinas really wear some pretty ratty clothes in the studio: I should know. I danced for NYC Ballet for twenty-two years, and most of my studio clothes would have been suitable for cleaning the garage or painting an outhouse. Most of us wore tights that were more runs than fabric, shoes were blown out and covered with duct tape, and I used to deliberately rip old sweaters and customize them to fit exercise needs. I didn’t have a pair of leg warmers that were intact or matched each other after I was through with my apprenticeship.

That being said, there are plenty of fairly attractive, comfortable athletic/casual/sweat clothes available. Hanes has a website where they have such things. Champion and Danskin also make some comfortable clothes, as well as Discount Dance’s website. There’s a difference between a pair of sweat pants covered with stains and holes, and a pair of black jazz pants that hang well and are clean and intact. Jazz pants, BTW, are knit pants, usually black, and boot cut. I have several pairs at home, and wear them when I teach ballet. The Gaynor Minden website sells them, and they wear like iron, are comfortable, and look great. Gaynor Minden also has a boatneck sweater top that looks great. Some of the dance tops on the Discount Dance website, the tees and cover-ups, are adorable.

There is also a line of really comfortable knit clothing on the j jill website, it’s called “pure jill,” or something like that. They’re drapey, elegant, and comfortable.

Most women who work in the business world just want to get out of those high heels and pantyhose, and constricting clothing once they leave the corporate world for the day and get home. Personally, because I have such rotten feet after nearly half a century of ballet, I’d like about five minutes alone with whatever idiot invented high heels and a two-by-four, but that’s another story. But you’re right: There’s a difference between comfy and crummy.

Check out some of those clothing lines I mentioned, and surprise her with something that is comfortable and pretty!

You worked and “danced for NYC Ballet”. My God, you must be god (“g”) !!! I would not dare to approach 10 feet from you !!! I just love ballet and they are angels flying in the air. I dont care for your description of what you wore Angels in Heaven wear it !!!

 

[Sillara]

I am a wife. I have no interest in clothes, and I have no natural taste. I wore my mother’s hand-me-downs until I was in college. If I wanted new clothes, I had to buy them myself. (Not easy when my parents kept most of my earnings.) Now I am married, and I still have neither taste nor interest in clothes.

My husband, on the other hand, has excellent taste. So when I need new clothes, which is not something I often notice unless they have holes, my husband takes me to the store. I try on various outfits, and he picks out something suitable.

That is what I wear. I don’t have clothes he doesn’t like because he helps choose them. As I said, I really, really have no taste OR interest. I dislike my looks and pretty much always have, so what I wear doesn’t matter. This way, though, I know that I am pleasing my husband with what I wear.

 

[Delaine75]

I am praying for you and your wife. This really is a rather sad and self-centered post. It is one thing to expect your spouse to dress nicely (not overdone, of course) when leaving the home, but for YOU to feel DISRESPECTED by how she chooses to dress while AT HOME? I would think that you’d have more important things to focus on! A person should feel comfortable in their own home and if she’s comfortable in certain types of clothing, why are you judging her? Let her be and realize you’re really wasting far too much time on something so trivial.

 

[Debora123]

I am praying for you and your wife. This really is a rather sad and self-centered post. It is one thing to expect your spouse to dress nicely (not overdone, of course) when leaving the home, but for YOU to feel DISRESPECTED by how she chooses to dress while AT HOME? I would think that you’d have more important things to focus on! A person should feel comfortable in their own home and if she’s comfortable in certain types of clothing, why are you judging her? Let her be and realize you’re really wasting far too much time on something so trivial.

No, she dresses down ALL the time, including when they go out.

That’s the problem!

 

[Debora123]

Here is one other thought.

Sometimes, I avoid dressing up because it seems to incite lust in my husband. Like, anything I wear that hugs my body causes him to act like a teenage boy. It’s embarrassing to me, and makes me think that I should just dress in gunny sacks so he doesn’t start getting turned on. And no, I do NOT have a great body - I’m at least 15 lbs. overweight at the moment. I would like to be able to dress nicely without getting leered at.

Whoa!

Your husband being excited by the site of your body is NOT lust. What a depressing thought! :nope:

It seems like you should be happy that he still has that much passion for you and still finds your body beautiful after all these years… I hope my husband is still able to feel the same way about my body 30 years from now.

 

[mwncheesehead]

Whoa!

Your husband being excited by the site of your body is NOT lust. What a depressing thought! :nope:

It seems like you should be happy that he still has that much passion for you and still finds your body beautiful after all these years… I hope my husband is still able to feel the same way about my body 30 years from now.

Agreed, Debora. And Julianne, I really really hope my wife doesn’t ever start to think like you in terms of not dressing up for your DH. If he doesn’t “lust” after you (I disagree with Julianne that it’s lust if if her husband finds her attractive in certain clothing), does he go lust after porn girls? .

 

[LucyLight]

Whoa!

Your husband being excited by the site of your body is NOT lust. What a depressing thought! :nope:

It seems like you should be happy that he still has that much passion for you and still finds your body beautiful after all these years… I hope my husband is still able to feel the same way about my body 30 years from now.

If someone’s definition of lust is a husband getting excited by his wifes body than by that definition lust is a good thing. I put effort into myself so that I get a reaction like that from my husband and he appreciates it. I know some women struggle with what to wear, how to do their hair etc. but if a woman just doesn’t try it seems like she is disregarding her husband.

 

[lily20]

What about buying her a haircut at a nice salon, make her feel special? Or a manicure/pedicure with one of her friends, your treat! I dress in sweats/sweatshirts most of the time and my husband asks me to dress better when we go out, but usually I don’t want to because I’m tired. Also I used to get “looks” from guys and I’m tired of being on display, don’t care anymore so the more modest I look the better.

Maybe she simply doesn’t care. Not a self-esteem thing, just comfortable. There are nice comfortable clothes women can wear, they look more stylish. There are stylish sweats too, I think Victoria Secret makes them. Walk her in there with some $$ and she will be dressing better!

I wouldn’t worry too much about her looks… sometimes women need time to dress down b/c all our lives so much is made of how we are supposed to look beautiful/etc etc and it gets old. I have taken a few years off of “Dressing up” and have modefied my wardrobe considerably to reflect my more modest values. Maybe she is in that state of transition as well. Who knows… good luck!

God Bless,

Lily

My wife dresses so poorly. Outside of work, it’s hardly anything but sweatpants and sweatshirts, ratty tee’s, gym clothes, that kind of thing. Often times her sweats will be a little “unkempt”, just ugly looking things. If we’re going out, then sometimes she’ll throw on jeans or maybe a decent looking blouse but even this is rare, to be honest.

Now, she was never a fancy dresser to begin with, but I feel that when we were dating/engaged/newlyweds there were at least more times when she made an effort. Now it’s just like she’s given up.

For my part, I often slum around like her at home, but I still find occasions to wear button down collared shirts and dress pants, or a neat shirt with khaki’s, etc, etc., groom myself well and make sure my hair is neat, etc.

I’m not asking her to be Mrs. Universe here or anything, by no means does she need to get all decked out like a ballerina, and by no means does it have to happen every day… even once a week or once every other week or heck, once a month would probably be fine…

The reason why it upsets me is that, although I want her to be completely comfortable in my love and know that how she looks is not the be-all end-all of our marriage, I frankly keep feeling disrespected by this behavior.

I mean, I know that her love for me is such that I needn’t buy her flowers or write her love notes to maintain her love, but I do so anyway. Because I choose to continue to court her. So, I would hope that her attitude about it wouldn’t be, “why bother? I can ‘get away’ with it.”

My problem is that I think this is a sensitive topic, and I just can’t figure out a way to communicate it without sounding accusatory and thus raising some defenses. I certainly don’t want to imply that she doesn’t respect me at all, because that’s definitely not true.

We normally have good communication, but every time I practice the conversation in my head, I end up sounding accusatory or potentially offensive and I don’t want to turn it into something where it’s like “Oh I don’t respect YOU? Why don’t you put the toilet seat down, bub?” LOL

Or, even worse, I don’t want it to come out sounding like I’m saying she isn’t beautiful and that she “needs” to dress better in order for me to appreciate her beauty, because that is not true either.

So far I’ve skirted (no pun intended) around the issue, and she typically responds that, “Well, I HATE dressing up, I just want to be comfortable.” But so far I have not brought my feelings into the conversation…

I don’t know how to summarize my feelings better other than to say that I feel disrespected and dishonored by this particular behavior. How can I communicate my feelings in an appropriate and loving way?

Edited to add - we have been married for 3 years, and she hasn’t been pregnant so it’s nothing to do with age or pregnancy.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Whoa!

Your husband being excited by the site of your body is NOT lust. What a depressing thought! :nope:

It seems like you should be happy that he still has that much passion for you and still finds your body beautiful after all these years… I hope my husband is still able to feel the same way about my body 30 years from now.

Well, I invite you to step into my life, hon. It’s one thing if your husband values you for everything you are, but it’s another experience if you feel that the only way he values you is physical.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Agreed, Debora. And Julianne, I really really hope my wife doesn’t ever start to think like you in terms of not dressing up for your DH. If he doesn’t “lust” after you (I disagree with Julianne that it’s lust if if her husband finds her attractive in certain clothing), does he go lust after porn girls? .

Sorry, it’s not the same thing. I know my husband desires my body. But after 23 years of marriage, I’m not sure he truly values ME without the sex. Do you understand the difference?

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I am praying for you and your wife. This really is a rather sad and self-centered post. It is one thing to expect your spouse to dress nicely (not overdone, of course) when leaving the home, but for YOU to feel DISRESPECTED by how she chooses to dress while AT HOME? I would think that you’d have more important things to focus on! A person should feel comfortable in their own home and if she’s comfortable in certain types of clothing, why are you judging her? Let her be and realize you’re really wasting far too much time on something so trivial.

I’m just saying it makes me feel loved and appreciated when she makes an effort to “woo” me in this fashion, even on very rare occasions. It helps our marriage, because it helps me be a better husband. I think the same is true concerning the things I do to “woo” her like taking her out for a night, surprise roses, love letters, that sort of thing.

I have already stated that my love for her is not “conditional” and if it was, this certainly would not be one of the conditions. I think there’s a difference between selfishness and wanting to feel appreciated.

Yes, it is something “I” want, but I do not feel it is unreasonable, say, twice a month or so? And again, I want to emphasize that I’m not talking about wearing a ballroom gown!!!

 

[gardenswithkids]

I’m just saying it makes me feel loved and appreciated when she makes an effort to “woo” me in this fashion, even on very rare occasions. It helps our marriage, because it helps me be a better husband. I think the same is true concerning the things I do to “woo” her like taking her out for a night, surprise roses, love letters, that sort of thing.

I have already stated that my love for her is not “conditional” and if it was, this certainly would not be one of the conditions. I think there’s a difference between selfishness and wanting to feel appreciated.

Yes, it is something “I” want, but I do not feel it is unreasonable, say, twice a month or so? And again, I want to emphasize that I’m not talking about wearing a ballroom gown!!!

I doubt very much that the way she dresses really says anything about her feelings for you.I bet she never even gave that idea a single thought. It’s much more likely to be about her feelings about herself.

Has her figure changed? If so, she might not know how to dress her current figure. Even if it’s only five pounds that might be enough for things to not fit right or to make her self-conscious. Sweats are easier because they fit (or more like don’t fit) without needing adjustments and can hide weight changes.

Another thought… is money is an issue? Money is almost always an issue. Nicer clothing costs a lot more than sweats and t-shirts. Is her closet filled with nice clothes that fit her that she simply won’t wear or (more likely) does she have very little to wear that fits and she doesn’t want to spend money on herself. Buying clothes for herself isn’t spending money on her husband or her marriage–it’s spending money on herself. If you want her to have some nice clothes, you might bring them home as gifts or take her out shopping and spend the money on her yourself.

Besides taking her shopping, have you tried taking her out to places where dressing up is expected? Try a very nice restaurant or the theatre or some of the fancy fund-raising events at churches and schools.

 

[LucyLight]

I’m just saying it makes me feel loved and appreciated when she makes an effort to “woo” me in this fashion, even on very rare occasions. It helps our marriage, because it helps me be a better husband. I think the same is true concerning the things I do to “woo” her like taking her out for a night, surprise roses, love letters, that sort of thing.

I have already stated that my love for her is not “conditional” and if it was, this certainly would not be one of the conditions. I think there’s a difference between selfishness and wanting to feel appreciated.

Yes, it is something “I” want, but I do not feel it is unreasonable, say, twice a month or so? And again, I want to emphasize that I’m not talking about wearing a ballroom gown!!!

I think that you should just tell her, its probably only going to get worse. It would be hard to tell her that you didn’t like her clothes if she was putting effort into what she wore and it looked horrible. I don’t think that she should be offended by this, she already knows. She might be flattered that you care. To echo what Lily said go to Victorias Secret and get her some black yoga pants. They’re much more flattering than sweats, just as comfortable, and at least she’ll look hot around the house.

 

[Debora123]

Well, I invite you to step into my life, hon. It’s one thing if your husband values you for everything you are, but it’s another experience if you feel that the only way he values you is physical.

Well you didn’t say your husband only values you physically. You said you don’t like it when your husbands “lusts” after your body by finding you sexy in certain clothing, and that’s what I commented on.

If your husband only values you physically it seems to me like the 2 of you need some intense couples counseling. That’s basically like saying he doesn’t love you.

 

[horselvr]

Sorry, it’s not the same thing. I know my husband desires my body. But after 23 years of marriage, I’m not sure he truly values ME without the sex. Do you understand the difference?

I know exactly what you are saying RJ and I have heard this same complaint from quite a few women actually.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

I’m just saying it makes me feel loved and appreciated when she makes an effort to “woo” me in this fashion, even on very rare occasions. It helps our marriage, because it helps me be a better husband. I think the same is true concerning the things I do to “woo” her like taking her out for a night, surprise roses, love letters, that sort of thing.

Have you read “The 5 Love Languages”? I first saw it suggested on this forum, and it is really helpful in understanding what your spouse needs and what you need. Different things make us feel loved- maybe your wife doesn’t need surprise roses, but something else. And it doesn’t sound like she realizes that you take her casual dressing as an insult, either. The book might give you some insight into how you both can make each other happier.

 

[Serap]

I’m not going to read all those pages of posts…

I am married; 2 kids and I take great pride in my appearance for myself and to set an example for my kids. My husband loves it.

We have no money, so guess where I get my great clothes from? Value Village (thrift shop). I spend very little on my clothes and I always dress nice. Casual days? A nice pair of cargo pants or jeans with ballet flats and a nice t-shirt.

Casual doesn’t have to be looking like a homeless person.

I don’t think OP is being shallow at all. It’s about a person having self-respect.

Tell her right out how you feel. So what if it makes her upset for a few days. Tell her nicely and if she gets upset and needs to sit on it for a few days, so bit it. Then talk about it some more a few days later.

I know my husband and I would do that for eachother if one of us began to slip in either health or a respectful appearance.