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jmcrae
Guest
Perhaps she’ll want to sell it, pay it off, and then split the profit with you.
If you can’t pay the mortgage without her income, then perhaps she was right that her career is, in fact, rather important.
- Status
If you can’t pay the mortgage without her income, then perhaps she was right that her career is, in fact, rather important.
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Irishmom2
Guest
So soon? How do you know that already?
P
PaulfromIowa
Guest
My friend, I will pray for you and your wife. Please go to Mass as often as possible, not just on Sunday. Stay close to God and the Church, pray daily. Read the Bible daily. Pray for your wife daily, for God’s will to be done. It will change you for the better, and it may save your marriage. It is difficult to be married to an unbeliever. There is no guarantee that your marriage will be saved, but give it your best attempt.
C
Caprotodox
Guest
Thank you so much. I am deeply in need of prayer. I am continuing to pray for my wife, and praying to the Lord to help us. I appreciate everyone’s prayers for us, it truly means so much to me.
I understand that I need to rely on the Lord more than ever right now. It’s hard but I know that trusting the Lord is the only thing that I can do. I will not give up my faith in the Lord, I will continue to serve Him and work to build a stronger relationship with Him.
M
MaryT777
Guest
Your post above touched my heart as I’ve been where you have been and Paul from IA is so spot on. I finally gave my trust to God as hard as it was. Though my marriage did end I knew I did everything possible to save it especially doing going to Mass often, reading the Bible and praying for my then spouse.
Just remember, we are all praying for you and the restoration of your marriage if possible and we are always here!~ Just a post away.
God Bless you and give you strength during this difficult time.
Mary.
C
Caprotodox
Guest
Thank you so much.
I just don’t understand how it got to this point. I thought everything was good. I know that I’m a good guy and a good husband who deeply loves his wife. I’m not perfect, I have my flaws, but things that I would consider that a bad husband would have divorce worth - abuse of any kind, infidelity - I never did.
Am I guilty of getting irritated at times? Yes. Am I guilty of not listening 100% at times? Yes. Can I be impatient at times? Yes.
But those are things that I can work on, and those were things that were never specifically addressed to me. Those are the only things that I can think of in reflection, since she has not told me what is wrong other than that ‘she’s been hurting for a long time’, and ‘she feels that I’ve changed’.
I don’t know how I’ve changed. I feel like I’m the same as I’ve been since the time we’ve been together. She didn’t give me any specifics on how she thought I had changed.
I am at a complete loss, and I keep banging my head trying to figure it out, since she hasn’t communicated with me since she left, and only told me things that are very vague.
I hurt so much.
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Irishmom2
Guest
“I’m just not happy. It’s not you its me. You’ve changed. I’ve changed. You don’t support me. I never felt loved. You don’t express your love for me. I feel smothered. We aren’t intimate. You want it all the time.”
Take your pick. Vague? Yes. That’s what people are when they want to leave a marriage, sometimes because they found someone else, sometimes because they are just selfish jerks.
There is no one thing you can say that will bring someone back if they are determined to go, so you can stop wondering what you did or didn’t do so you can “fix” it.
She won’t come back until she fixes herself. So until that time happens, and even if it doesn’t, just work on you relationship with God. Because in the end, that is the only relationship that matters.
Take your pick. Vague? Yes. That’s what people are when they want to leave a marriage, sometimes because they found someone else, sometimes because they are just selfish jerks.
There is no one thing you can say that will bring someone back if they are determined to go, so you can stop wondering what you did or didn’t do so you can “fix” it.
She won’t come back until she fixes herself. So until that time happens, and even if it doesn’t, just work on you relationship with God. Because in the end, that is the only relationship that matters.
C
Caprotodox
Guest
Thank you IrishMom, I appreciate your words of wisdom.
Rationally, I know you’re right. However, I still feel so guilty. Like there is something that I could have or should have done better in the past. I just want the opportunity to show that I’m willing to be better.
At the end of the day, if she doesn’t want to see it, and just not work on it, there is nothing that I can do. I just don’t understand how it got to that point, where one day I thought she was so deeply in love with me and would never leave me, to this. We rarely had arguments, just your average couple bickering on chores, etc.
I just want some open honesty with me.
You’re right and I’ve strayed from my relationship with the Lord in the past year, and I need to work on being better son to Him. God will always be there for me. God will never leave me. God will always love me. God has always stood by me. But oh Lord, I hurt.
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on_the_hill
Guest
In my opinion, she is taking advantage of this. I don’t think this is what God intends with regard to marriage. The sacrament is not an obligation to the commitment, in my opinion, but rather the sacrament intends for us to to grow and thrive together. It seems to me that she’s “divorced” herself from growing and thriving with you, and you are martyring yourself with blame that isn’t yours.
Ask yourself if you want to be with someone who makes you feel this way. Women and men, husbands and wives, who respect and love each other don’t put each other into positions such as you are in now.
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Marie80
Guest
Your story has touched many hearts. Good will come from all of the prayers that are being said for you. You may not see it right away and the prayers may be answered in unexpected ways, but they will be answered.
Last year while going through a personal crisis, I found praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet to be very helpful for building trust with God. He will never let you down.
I thought of you during the Gospel reading this morning at Mass, especially with this sentence: “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
May the Peace of the Lord be with You!
Last year while going through a personal crisis, I found praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet to be very helpful for building trust with God. He will never let you down.
I thought of you during the Gospel reading this morning at Mass, especially with this sentence: “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”
May the Peace of the Lord be with You!
C
Caprotodox
Guest
Thank you Marie, I really appreciate the prayers. I feel very blessed to have people who are complete strangers praying for my wife and I and our marriage. Thank you so much!
There were a couple of times that I had a hard time holding it together at Mass, especially when first praying before sitting. Also prayer after the Eucharist (although I can’t partake due to being married outside of the Church) I also spoke to head pastor after Mass and nearly broke down, but I managed to stay composed despite my voice cracking a few times. I also bought a new rosary to keep with me at all times.
He said that this is fairly common, and it sounds like she hasn’t made a decision yet. So that could be good.
As an update, I did speak to my wife to today through text.
I basically told her that I love her and trust her and that I am committed to our marriage. She said that after our argument that she felt hurt and scared (I understand the hurt part, but I don’t understand being scared, as I have never ever abused her nor has the thought even been a though in my mind - not even a fleeting though. I think it stems from something deeper) and because of that she feels it’s best that we live a part and heal. She said sorry several times. She is also going to come over and pick up some furniture and other things.
The whole conversation between us was very cordial, and I would say as good as lovingly as it could be in this type of circumstance. I think this is very important.
From what I’m trying to piece together it sounds like this could be a separation rather than a divorce. Which I still don’t think is necessary, I do find it a much better alternative to divorce if this is the case.
I have also decided to get more involved in the Church and really work on building a stronger relationship with Christ. I reached out to the men’s group to learn more about them. I think this will help me to grow more as a Christian man, but also to build some good friendships.
I could not do this without God’s help. I truly feel that he has been guiding me, and working on me this entire time. I am spending so much more time in prayer throughout the day, and I think that is helped a lot in helping to rebuild my relationship with the Lord. I think that the Lord has helped with my humility and has helped me to be more gentle and at peace. There are times that I will be reading Scripture or watching a previous sermon from a church I used to attend, where I will be completely overwhelmed. I truly believe that when that is happening that it is the Holy Spirit working on me.
C
Caprotodox
Guest
Update - My heart hurts, and I ask that you all continue to pray for my wife, my marriage, and I. I just want to know what is going on. I know that at the end of the day I have to put this in God’s hands and follow His will, but it’s so hard. I want my wife back and for us to just work on our marriage. My heart really really hurts.
I also heard back from my wife through text today. The conversation was very cordial. She used our pet names, which is good, I think. However, I told her that I feel that I’m being left out and that I just want to know what is going on, and if we could arrange a time to speak. She said she is moving out and needs space. That she has been very unhappy and she thinks that I have been too. She asked for us to speak on Thursday, saying that she wants more time to think.
My thinking is either she genuinely wants more time to think (I’m not sure why so long though). Or she is waiting until after her stuff is moved on Wednesday, because she wants to say she wants a divorce or to legally separate and she’s afraid that I might make things difficult if we talk before then and she tells me she wants a divorce or separation.
I went to marriage counseling by myself this morning. I told the counselor my story and she was pretty supportive. I told her that I want to work on my patience and communication skills. I also want to make sure that I put Christ at the center of the marriage. I felt pretty good leaving there.
I then had consultations with two lawyers. I felt so bad. At one point, I just felt compelled to get out of there, I just did made me very uncomfortable. Both lawyers said pretty much the same thing, about the process and also what I can/should do now. I really hope that I don’t have to go see them again, as I don’t want my marriage to get to that point.
I then met with one priests at my church. After leaving the lawyers, I was about an hourly early so I went inside the church and just prayed. I started to break down in tears, so luckily nobody was in there with me. My priest said that it doesn’t sound like I have done anything wrong. He mentioned that she will always have a feeling of unhappiness because she does not have Christ in her life, and that if we are able to get the marriage back on track that the same scenario could end up happening again because Christ would not be providing the fulfillment she needs. I reiterated that it doesn’t sound like I’ve done anything wrong and that I may just be beating myself up too much. He mentioned that if the marriage does not reconcile, that it could actually be a bright spot due to allowing me to be fully reconciled the Church. He told me to pray for my wife, pray for the Lord’s guidance, and to pray for how I message my words, and that I pray that I follow God’s will. I felt really good after leaving.
In general, I think in the future I should probably be checking in with my priest a couple times a year.
I also heard back from my wife through text today. The conversation was very cordial. She used our pet names, which is good, I think. However, I told her that I feel that I’m being left out and that I just want to know what is going on, and if we could arrange a time to speak. She said she is moving out and needs space. That she has been very unhappy and she thinks that I have been too. She asked for us to speak on Thursday, saying that she wants more time to think.
My thinking is either she genuinely wants more time to think (I’m not sure why so long though). Or she is waiting until after her stuff is moved on Wednesday, because she wants to say she wants a divorce or to legally separate and she’s afraid that I might make things difficult if we talk before then and she tells me she wants a divorce or separation.
I went to marriage counseling by myself this morning. I told the counselor my story and she was pretty supportive. I told her that I want to work on my patience and communication skills. I also want to make sure that I put Christ at the center of the marriage. I felt pretty good leaving there.
I then had consultations with two lawyers. I felt so bad. At one point, I just felt compelled to get out of there, I just did made me very uncomfortable. Both lawyers said pretty much the same thing, about the process and also what I can/should do now. I really hope that I don’t have to go see them again, as I don’t want my marriage to get to that point.
I then met with one priests at my church. After leaving the lawyers, I was about an hourly early so I went inside the church and just prayed. I started to break down in tears, so luckily nobody was in there with me. My priest said that it doesn’t sound like I have done anything wrong. He mentioned that she will always have a feeling of unhappiness because she does not have Christ in her life, and that if we are able to get the marriage back on track that the same scenario could end up happening again because Christ would not be providing the fulfillment she needs. I reiterated that it doesn’t sound like I’ve done anything wrong and that I may just be beating myself up too much. He mentioned that if the marriage does not reconcile, that it could actually be a bright spot due to allowing me to be fully reconciled the Church. He told me to pray for my wife, pray for the Lord’s guidance, and to pray for how I message my words, and that I pray that I follow God’s will. I felt really good after leaving.
In general, I think in the future I should probably be checking in with my priest a couple times a year.
I
Irishmom2
Guest
I am only saying this because you said you want honesty, not to hurt you, but I think you are right about her being afraid you will make things difficult and once she has all of what she wants, she will tell you she wants a divorce.
I also think she was planning this, it wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, and she used your argument the other day as her out. Then she said all or some of the textbook excuses to see what would work on you.
You are doing all the right things. Keep it up. Try and attend daily mass if possible. It will really give you strength.
And please, see your priest when necessary, not just a couple of times a year. He can advise you best. Trust him.
C
Caprotodox
Guest
Thank you Irishmom. I do appreciate the honesty. I would say that I’m more cynical than not, and when she told me that, my cynical side immediately went off. I want to do my best to give her the benefit of the doubt, but also I do have to prepare myself for the worst. I really still have no idea how it could end up like this. I thought everything was fine, and that we had a good marriage.
Here’s the thing too. She said she would call me on Thursday. If she is waiting until Thursday because she wants to tell me that she wants a divorce then. Then I would be more upset that she would be doing it over the phone instead of telling me to my face and looking me in the eye and telling me that way. I do believe that I am owed that courtesy and that respect, especially after as long as we have been together.
I plan on attending mass tomorrow. I wanted to today, but I got a late start on my paperwork for the counseling. But I will be at mass tomorrow for sure. Being in Church, really feels good.
Thank you, I never knew what would be appropriate amount of time to see a priest. I am glad that you said when necessary.
I really do appreciate your advice. Thank you.
M
MaryT777
Guest
You have accomplished so much. You have seen lawyers, a counselor by yourself and a priest. You have done everything you can do to save your marriage. I have been in your shoes but everyone is in a different situation with different challenges. When my spouse told me “I want a divorce” or “May want” a divorce those were the worst four words I had ever heard.
I walked around on autopilot and did everything you did at the good advice of fellow Catholics at daily Mass, a friend lawyer and a priest. I had two children 4 and 2 at the time and the best thing for me was to have a lawyer. My priest said words similar to your priest. My counselor was Catholic and said there is always hope and possible restoration of a marriage if BOTH parties want it.
I hope your spouse will reconsider. My spouse did not and I remembered the one time at my visit with that Catholic counselor that said to me honestly "There is nothing more you can DO than what you have. Restoration takes BOTH spouses to WANT IT.
So I pray with you, my friend on a difficult road, that your wife will want to work with you ,
for your marriage and for you.
MayGod bless and keep you,
Mary.
C
Caprotodox
Guest
Thank you Mary. Our stories sound pretty similar with the who we spoke to, and similar advice being given. I appreciate your prayers and sharing your story, it is very helpful for me to know that I’m not alone in this.
I went to daily Mass today, and met some nice people and I was invited to go to the Men’s group this weekend. I’m looking forward to that.
I’m at the point now (For now, I’m really on an emotional rollercoaster) where when she says that “she has been very unhappy”, that she owes it to me to give some specifics. How long have you been unhappy? What is causing you to be unhappy? Is it me? If so, what is it about me that’s causing it? She at least owes me that.
I also think that if come Thursday night and she says that she wants a divorce, then I have to come to the terms that she either didn’t’ take our marriage vows seriously or she has never been truly in love with me. I think that if you truly loved someone at one point and you’re in a marriage, then you must do everything you possibly can before going the divorce route. That means, sitting down and having an honest conversation with your spouse, telling them what you expect and giving them a chance to work on it. That means, going to marriage counseling, and giving it an honest try. If a separation were to happen, fine but again giving it an honest try with improving your marriage as the goal. To go from not letting me know that she is unhappy by sitting me down and having an honest conversation about it with me, straight to divorce, tells me that she can’t have truly loved me, as if you did, you would try everything you could before giving up on it.
One other thing that I thought about also, is that the friends that she is speaking with, both come from broken families and I know one of them is an atheist. So it makes me believe that the advice they give most likely will not be the same as if someone were coming from a Christian background from most types. What I find telling is that, that I know that my wife has not spoken to one of her good friends about this. A friend who comes from a very good close-knit family, and who is a very nice person. I’m starting to wonder if she isn’t talking to her because she knows that friend won’t necessarily condone her actions, or she is afraid of the judgement of that friend. If she’s afraid of the judgement of that friend, to me that tells me that she knows that her actions are wrong, otherwise she wouldn’t be concerned about her friend’s judgement.
C
Caprotodox
Guest
I feel terribly sad this morning. Today is the day where she will be moving some furniture out and getting the rest of her belongings.
My heart hurts, I still don’t know what’s going on other than she is moving out. My emotions have been going from fine, to sadness.
I’ve been praying to the Lord, and praying the Rosary. I just feel bad.
My heart hurts, I still don’t know what’s going on other than she is moving out. My emotions have been going from fine, to sadness.
I’ve been praying to the Lord, and praying the Rosary. I just feel bad.
O
on_the_hill
Guest
Leave the house and stay away until she’s done. 
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Irishmom2
Guest
It is okay to feel sad. Unless you think she will take your things or mess with the house, I would also not be there. Or at least, stay outside.
If she is taking all of her belongings, I don’t think she is coming back. She is cutting ties.
I will pray for you. I know it’s not easy. Spiritually, you two are in different places. Keep in mind that you have God by your side, don’t hesitate to lean on him.
C
Caprotodox
Guest
Leave the house and stay away until she’s done.
I did leave the house and stayed away until she was finished.
She took her belongings and some furniture that we had discussed. That doesn’t bother me. What really hurts is that she did not take a single wedding photo or photo of us that she had around the house in frames. She left her boxed wedding dress and set it in the room. She left her framed wedding bouquet and left it next to dress. All of our wedding mementos that were in a box, she left. Even the stuffed animal that I gave to her on the first birthday we were together as a couple, she left behind and moved from the closet to and set it on the bed. It looks like she still has her wedding rings, or at least if she left them I haven’t found them.
That’s what hurts the most. By leaving those things behind, she’s doing it because she doesn’t want to be reminded of them. (because it’s too painful, well if it is, then why are you doing this). So if she doesn’t take them at all, it’s as if she’s erasing over 7 years of being together. It’s as if we were never together. That’s what hurts.
I don’t know what I did to deserve this. This is so cruel. What did I do to deserve this pain that she has inflicted upon me? Not even a single photo, that’s what hurts the most and cuts to my heart. She wants no memory of me. It’s as if we never existed for the last 7 years.
I could understand if I were abusive of any kind, or I had cheated on her. But I did not do any of those things. I never spoke to her with malice or hatred, or said mean things. I am a loyal, hardworking, honest, and trustworthy guy. I’m smart and been contacted by Harvard and Penn to attend school there recently. I’m dedicated. I work out and in decent shape. I don’t smoke, do drugs, and very rarely drink. I still like to go out and have adventures, I traveled with her to her friends weddings, I planned a wine tasting trip, I get out of the house and do things with her. I have hobbies that keep me busy. I don’t understand, why am I getting treated so cruel?
What did I do to deserve her just walking out? What did I do for her to think it’s ok to not tell me what’s going on? This hurts me so much.
- Status