My wife just left me

[Irishmom2]

I did leave the house and stayed away until she was finished.

Good for you.

She took her belongings and some furniture that we had discussed. That doesn’t bother me. What really hurts is that she did not take a single wedding photo or photo of us that she had around the house in frames. She left her boxed wedding dress and set it in the room. She left her framed wedding bouquet and left it next to dress. All of our wedding mementos that were in a box, she left. Even the stuffed animal that I gave to her on the first birthday we were together as a couple, she left behind and moved from the closet to and set it on the bed. It looks like she still has her wedding rings, or at least if she left them I haven’t found them.

That’s what hurts the most. By leaving those things behind, she’s doing it because she doesn’t want to be reminded of them. (because it’s too painful, well if it is, then why are you doing this). So if she doesn’t take them at all, it’s as if she’s erasing over 7 years of being together. It’s as if we were never together. That’s what hurts.

And it could be that she intended it to hurt you.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this. This is so cruel. What did I do to deserve this pain that she has inflicted upon me? Not even a single photo, that’s what hurts the most and cuts to my heart. She wants no memory of me. It’s as if we never existed for the last 7 years.

Yeah, that could be her way of not having to feel guilty about what she is doing to you too. No pesky reminders of you to ruin her new life after she ran away from home.

I could understand if I were abusive of any kind, or I had cheated on her. But I did not do any of those things. I never spoke to her with malice or hatred, or said mean things. I am a loyal, hardworking, honest, and trustworthy guy. I’m smart and been contacted by Harvard and Penn to attend school there recently. I’m dedicated. I work out and in decent shape. I don’t smoke, do drugs, and very rarely drink. I still like to go out and have adventures, I traveled with her to her friends weddings, I planned a wine tasting trip, I get out of the house and do things with her. I have hobbies that keep me busy. I don’t understand, why am I getting treated so cruel?

So you will hate her, and not annoy her trying to get her back. She can do what she planned without you bothering her.

What did I do to deserve her just walking out? What did I do for her to think it’s ok to not tell me what’s going on? This hurts me so much.

I hope you will understand when I say that this isn’t about you. From what you say, did not do anything to deserve her walking out. This is on her. This is an event of her creating. She offered you no explanation or warning, no chance to reconcile, just her own selfish needs and desires matter.

Ask her only once if she wants the dress. If she says no, throw it in the attic. Someday, and I know you think the day will never come when you won’t care, it will make a spectacular bonfire.

 

[on_the_hill]

What would you study at Harvard and UPenn? Undergrad or grad?

 

[Caprotodox]

I hope you will understand when I say that this isn’t about you. From what you say, did not do anything to deserve her walking out. This is on her. This is an event of her creating. She offered you no explanation or warning, no chance to reconcile, just her own selfish needs and desires matter.

Ask her only once if she wants the dress. If she says no, throw it in the attic. Someday, and I know you think the day will never come when you won’t care, it will make a spectacular bonfire.

Haha thanks.

You could be right that she’s being cruel in this regard, in hopes that I will hate her, and therefore justifying her actions to herself. It also makes sense like you said that she doesn’t want the guilt to remind her that she is the one that walked out.

She still has her wedding & engagement rings, since I don’t see them here.

I have the feeling that it’s over. She has unilaterally made the decision. No marriage counseling, no real sit-down talk where we air everything out (we had a sit down talk a month ago, but about me wanting to know that I come ahead of her job, and for her to know that I support her career, and also how we planned to raise kids), no real effort for us to really work on our marriage.

The only hope that I have is that is just a separation and not divorce, but she took everything of hers, and left all the marriage pictures and pictures of us behind.

Another thing I don’t understand is that we have lived together for the last 7 years. So it’s not like when we got married that it was a huge shock to adjust. We already knew the good and bad of living with each other. (I understand that I was not living properly according to the Church)

What would you study at Harvard and UPenn? Undergrad or grad?

Undergrad in physics if I went to either of those. I’m doing another related field at the state school here. I already have an undergrad in a non-science related field, but I have been working full-time and going to school the past two years so I could transfer in. I decided to go to the state school here to save money, and we had just bought a house so it made sense. I was supposed to start going to school full-time next month.

What I think is unfair, is that I helped to support her when she is in school getting her graduate degree, paying for half the rent, half the food, etc. Now that it’s just about my turn to go, I can’t. I will now have to delay for another year, since I now will have to take out student loans to go when we had been planning on paying cash and not taking on any debt.

I will achieve this goal of mine, with or without her. I was just really hoping it would have been with her and that we could celebrate it together.

 

[Irishmom2]

She still has her wedding & engagement rings, since I don’t see them here.
Which she can sell…

What I think is unfair, is that I helped to support her when she is in school getting her graduate degree, paying for half the rent, half the food, etc. Now that it’s just about my turn to go, I can’t. I will now have to delay for another year, since I now will have to take out student loans to go when we had been planning on paying cash and not taking on any debt.

Well, if you were living together while she was in school some would say paying half the rent, food, etc., is fair.

Did she finished her degree and start her career just recently?

 

[KnitNut]

Honestly, I think I’m missing something here. I appreciate the OP’s pain. However, I don’t think this is a simple case of a “bad woman” walking out without warning.

we had a sit down talk a month ago, but about me wanting to know that I come ahead of her job, and for her to know that I support her career, and also how we planned to raise kids

So…you did have an inkling that she had big concerns, it seems. I know you think that everything was sorted out, but I wonder if you truly heard her concerns and that, for her, they were similarly resolved. I don’t think so.

What I think is unfair, is that I helped to support her when she is in school getting her graduate degree, paying for half the rent, half the food, etc. Now that it’s just about my turn to go, I can’t. I will now have to delay for another year, since I now will have to take out student loans to go when we had been planning on paying cash and not taking on any debt.

How is that supporting her, exactly? That’s you, paying your share of expenses. Because otherwise you’d be paying rent somewhere else, or living in your mom’s basement. I can see how she might not feel truly supported, if this is your approach.

Undergrad in physics if I went to either of those. I’m doing another related field at the state school here. I already have an undergrad in a non-science related field, but I have been working full-time and going to school the past two years so I could transfer in. I decided to go to the state school here to save money, and we had just bought a house so it made sense. I was supposed to start going to school full-time next month.

So she was going to support you, to the extent that you could attend full-time while paying cash for your schooling? Where was that money coming from, if not from her career?

Yet earlier you had a massive fight because she was concerned that you were not valuing her work/career…do you see how this might be a problem? If she doesn’t succeed in her career, she’s not able to pay your way.

Further, I’m not seeing a well-developed plan for your future/career…one undergrad degree, 2 years working on a second in a science-y field part-time and planning to switch to full-time for more classes to finish this degree, but maybe transfering to yet a different school (a much more expensive school) to begin study in yet a third field, and possibly requiring a move/selling the house/incurring additional living expenses…all for a 2nd undergrad degree that would be complete in how many years? And if you have no immediate career plans at age 31, I can see how she’d be very concerned about children coming into the mix, which would impact her ability to continue as primary breadwinner.

I understand that you’re hurting. I hope, though, that you will consider counseling for yourself, to examine your role in all of this. If it was serious enough a month ago that her folks came down and stayed with her in the hotel, there’s no way that the issues suddenly went away. I think it’s likely that the reasons for the split are entirely in view for both of you.

 

[Caprotodox]

Well, if you were living together while she was in school some would say paying half the rent, food, etc., is fair.

Did she finished her degree and start her career just recently?

Yes, I agree that it is fair too.

No, she finished her degree 6 years ago.

We spoke late last night, I’ll update how it went later this evening. I’m still trying to process it all.

 

[Caprotodox]

Honestly, I think I’m missing something here. I appreciate the OP’s pain. However, I don’t think this is a simple case of a “bad woman” walking out without warning.

So…you did have an inkling that she had big concerns, it seems. I know you think that everything was sorted out, but I wonder if you truly heard her concerns and that, for her, they were similarly resolved. I don’t think so.

How is that supporting her, exactly? That’s you, paying your share of expenses. Because otherwise you’d be paying rent somewhere else, or living in your mom’s basement. I can see how she might not feel truly supported, if this is your approach.

So she was going to support you, to the extent that you could attend full-time while paying cash for your schooling? Where was that money coming from, if not from her career?

Yet earlier you had a massive fight because she was concerned that you were not valuing her work/career…do you see how this might be a problem? If she doesn’t succeed in her career, she’s not able to pay your way.

Further, I’m not seeing a well-developed plan for your future/career…one undergrad degree, 2 years working on a second in a science-y field part-time and planning to switch to full-time for more classes to finish this degree, but maybe transfering to yet a different school (a much more expensive school) to begin study in yet a third field, and possibly requiring a move/selling the house/incurring additional living expenses…all for a 2nd undergrad degree that would be complete in how many years? And if you have no immediate career plans at age 31, I can see how she’d be very concerned about children coming into the mix, which would impact her ability to continue as primary breadwinner.

I understand that you’re hurting. I hope, though, that you will consider counseling for yourself, to examine your role in all of this. If it was serious enough a month ago that her folks came down and stayed with her in the hotel, there’s no way that the issues suddenly went away. I think it’s likely that the reasons for the split are entirely in view for both of you.

I agree that there are things that I could have done better, and from what she shared with me last night. I don’t claim to be a perfect husband, I have my faults. I also do not think she is a bad woman. She is a caring, loving, smart, and sensitive woman. I have loved her for 7.5 years and I continue to love her.

In regards to her concerns, I thought we sorted out the major issues. I made efforts on my end with word and action to let her know that I supported her work. She agreed to make sure that I felt I was a higher priority to her over work.

I agree that paying half the rent, etc is fair.

It was coming from money that we have saved for me to go, as well as from her career. I think you’re misunderstanding me, because I do think her career is important. I’m fine with her having a career, I just want to know that I’m coming above it because I didn’t feel that I was.

You have misunderstood my plan. I already have a degree, and I already do well in my career. I am looking to make a career switch, that is why I had gone back to school. I was planning on starting school full-time next month in the field for the career that I wanted. There is no transferring to a different school or moving, I didn’t want to move because we had just bought a house, plus her job is located here. What I had mentioned about the other schools was in context of “f I were…”, not “I was planning”.

I’m not sure how you don’t think I have immediate career plans? I have a career right now and I do well at it. I decided I wanted to make a career change.

Like I said in the first pargraph, I admit that I have my faults and there are things that I can and should work on. In hindsight after she left, we should have immediately gotten a marriage counselor but neither of us made the move to. I wish we would have done that.

 

[Caprotodox]

I’m just going to post up how my conversation went with my wife last night. She called me close to midnight to talk.

I asked her how long she has been feeling unhappy and what things that I’m doing to make her feel unhappy. She said she has been feeling unhappy for about a year. She said of things that I’ve been doing are:

1. I’m already aggressive, but I’ve been more aggressive lately. (I’m not sure entirely what that means, so I will need to ask her. I think probably with responding to when I feel that I’m being challenged. However, I don’t yell at her or abuse her, or say mean things to her.
2. Doesn’t feel that I’m nice to her. - I thought I had been nice to her. I kiss her every morning and evening, I gave her massages, I thanked her after she cooked food. I could have been sweeter at times, but I think that is something that I could work on.
3. I haven’t been showing that I love her. - I think it’s related to above. I really thought that I had, but there’s definitely more that I could have done
4. Feels that every argument is spun against her. - I can definitely understand that her feeling that way is not good. That is on me, and I need to work on my communication.
5. I don’t have a lot of friends anymore - Most of my friends live far away in other states. There’s no animosity between us, we’ve just drifted apart. She says she wants more of a social life than we have.

She mentioned that we don’t see eye to eye on anything. Particularly when it comes to religion and politics. I am religious she is not, I am more conservative she is more liberal. She mentioned my opposition to gay marriage as a point, and that if were to have kids she wouldn’t them to have a dad that was against it.

She also mentioned she’s not sure if she wants kids now. We had always talked about having kids so this was big news to me. I do want kids, so this will have to be a point we spend a lot of time talking about.

In regards to the future, I asked her if she would consider marriage counseling. She said she would think about it. She said doesn’t want to get my hopes up. She said how she feels right now, she won’t be coming back ever.

There were a lot of crying on the phone. I can tell that she is hurting a lot. I can tell that she still cares and still has some love for me. I said to her that I am going to fight for our marriage, that I want her to join me and fight for it too. I said to her, that I can work on the issues she has pointed out, but I want to at least be given a chance to show to her that I can and will change. I said that I love her and that I will do anything to make our marriage work and that I own my faults.

She said she would want to talk later in a week.

I pray that I be given a chance to show her that I’m working on things that she mentioned and that she can see the changes that I’m making. I want to be the husband she needs.

I truly pray that she will consider marriage counseling with me, or we time a part and date once or twice a week with each other. She said she would think about it. I hope she will agree to it.

 

[Caprotodox]

In regards to being nice. She mentioned an incident on election day, where I said to her 'that it’s stupid that you’re voting for her". She interpreted that as me calling her stupid. I would never call my wife stupid, but I can understand how she could take what I said and take it that way.

I feel so guilty right now. I feel like I’m solely to blame for the state of my marriage. Now that I know the issues that I need to work, I want to at least be given the chance to show her that I can and will change.

We’ve been together for 7.5 years and married for 2, shouldn’t we be trying everything possible to make it work before just throwing in the towel? I understand that I’ve hurt her, and I am so so sorry for making her feel that. I just want to have both of us fight for our marriage.

At the same time, there are things that I cannot compromise on. I cannot compromise on my religious beliefs. I also cannot compromise on not having kids, I want kids and she had wanted them I thought for a long time, but now that seems to have changed.

 

[on_the_hill]

How old are both of you?

It sort of seems like there’s an an underlying maturity thing going on here.

 

[Caprotodox]

How old are both of you?

It sort of seems like there’s an an underlying maturity thing going on here.

I’m 31, she’s 29.

I think a large part of our issue is poor communication on both ends. I’m sure there are some maturity issues from both ends as well.

Right now, I’m owning my mistakes and working to resolve my faults. I think in large part my faults can be resolved by centering my life more upon Christ, which I have not been doing for the past year or so. By being centered upon Christ, He will enable me to be more gentle, and more patient, among other things. Further, I’m working with a counselor to help me work on my faults as well.

My wife has her own faults as well, but I’m focusing upon my faults now. I want to be a better husband, I want to be a better person, I want to be a better child of God.

At times, I feel like God is punishing me because of my faults and not taking my role of being the spiritual leader of the house as seriously as I should have, in order that I learn. And he knew that it had to take something of this magnitude to force me to change. I just hope that if that is the case, that He will see that I am serious about changing, and that His will be to reconcile my wife and I, once he feels that I’m ready. I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m blaming God, as I accept it was my own actions/inactions that contributed to me being here.

 

[gracepoole]

I’m just going to post up how my conversation went with my wife last night. She called me close to midnight to talk.

I asked her how long she has been feeling unhappy and what things that I’m doing to make her feel unhappy. She said she has been feeling unhappy for about a year. She said of things that I’ve been doing are:

1. I’m already aggressive, but I’ve been more aggressive lately. (I’m not sure entirely what that means, so I will need to ask her. I think probably with responding to when I feel that I’m being challenged. However, I don’t yell at her or abuse her, or say mean things to her.
2. Doesn’t feel that I’m nice to her. - I thought I had been nice to her. I kiss her every morning and evening, I gave her massages, I thanked her after she cooked food. I could have been sweeter at times, but I think that is something that I could work on.
3. I haven’t been showing that I love her. - I think it’s related to above. I really thought that I had, but there’s definitely more that I could have done
4. Feels that every argument is spun against her. - I can definitely understand that her feeling that way is not good. That is on me, and I need to work on my communication.
5. I don’t have a lot of friends anymore - Most of my friends live far away in other states. There’s no animosity between us, we’ve just drifted apart. She says she wants more of a social life than we have.

She mentioned that we don’t see eye to eye on anything. Particularly when it comes to religion and politics. I am religious she is not, I am more conservative she is more liberal. She mentioned my opposition to gay marriage as a point, and that if were to have kids she wouldn’t them to have a dad that was against it.

She also mentioned she’s not sure if she wants kids now. We had always talked about having kids so this was big news to me. I do want kids, so this will have to be a point we spend a lot of time talking about.

In regards to the future, I asked her if she would consider marriage counseling. She said she would think about it. She said doesn’t want to get my hopes up. She said how she feels right now, she won’t be coming back ever.

There were a lot of crying on the phone. I can tell that she is hurting a lot. I can tell that she still cares and still has some love for me. I said to her that I am going to fight for our marriage, that I want her to join me and fight for it too. I said to her, that I can work on the issues she has pointed out, but I want to at least be given a chance to show to her that I can and will change. I said that I love her and that I will do anything to make our marriage work and that I own my faults.

She said she would want to talk later in a week.

I pray that I be given a chance to show her that I’m working on things that she mentioned and that she can see the changes that I’m making. I want to be the husband she needs.

I truly pray that she will consider marriage counseling with me, or we time a part and date once or twice a week with each other. She said she would think about it. I hope she will agree to it.

Is your marriage considered valid by the Church? If it isn’t and if all you’ve described above is accurate, perhaps a divorce is for the best. The differences you describe, once children are added to the family, will be monumental.

 

[on_the_hill]

Despite everything you’ve written, I still don’t understand why you’re fighting to stay married to someone who very adamantly wants to end it.

And God isn’t punishing you. God doesn’t do that. His judgement comes later.

 

[Caprotodox]

Is your marriage considered valid by the Church? If it isn’t and if all you’ve described above is accurate, perhaps a divorce is for the best. The differences you describe, once children are added to the family, will be monumental.

No, it’s not. We were married by a non-denominational Protestant church.

Despite everything you’ve written, I still don’t understand why you’re fighting to stay married to someone who very adamantly wants to end it.

And God isn’t punishing you. God doesn’t do that. His judgement comes later.

I do not give up on anything or anyone, especially on the ones I love and cherish.

 

[gracepoole]

No, it’s not. We were married by a non-denominational Protestant church.

Was she baptized into a Christian faith?

 

[Caprotodox]

Was she baptized into a Christian faith?

No.

Throughout my marriage and relationship with her, I have looked at 1 Peter 3 as guidance. However, I do believe that I have not done the job that I should be doing.

 

[gracepoole]

No.

Throughout my marriage and relationship with her, I have looked at 1 Peter 3 as guidance. However, I do believe that I have not done the job that I should be doing.

Yeah, my question about her being baptized shouldn’t have been asked because it’s really irrelevant. Sorry. Here:

canonlawmadeeasy.com/2007/10/05/lapsed_marry_validly_outside/

Speak with your priest, of course, but if your marriage isn’t valid and she isn’t interested in rectifying this very large problem, you really need to think about what it means to be close to Christ and His Church moving forward.

 

[Caprotodox]

Yeah, my question about her being baptized shouldn’t have been asked because it’s really irrelevant. Sorry. Here:

canonlawmadeeasy.com/2007/10/05/lapsed_marry_validly_outside/

Speak with your priest, of course, but if your marriage isn’t valid and she isn’t interested in rectifying this very large problem, you really need to think about what it means to be close to Christ and His Church moving forward.

Thanks Grace, I appreciate your help.

I agree with you in regards to thinking about what it means to be close to Christ and the Church. I felt that I did lapse on being the spiritual leader in my marriage lately. For a time prior to marriage and earlier on in our marriage I did take the role on, but I slipped in my responsibilities. I own that. I pray to the Lord that he gives me another opportunity.

 

[Caprotodox]

I haven’t heard anything from my wife since Wednesday night when she called me.

Today, I feel fine. I’m not really sad, I feel like I’m starting to accept that there is nothing that I can do to change her mind, it will have to be something that she does on her own. I went to one church during my lunch break but the doors were locked, so I drove to another church 5 miles away and spent a good 30 minutes in prayer.

On my end, I’m going to focus on improving myself, specifically on my faults. I am going to make sure that I attend mass and the mens ministry. I am going to continue with marriage counseling, and I’m going to actively pray and practice the changes that I want to make in my life.

I still feel that her walking out is unfair, and I think that before it got to the point of her moving out several steps should have been done first.

1. Sit me down and say for example, “You cannot talk to me in this way, it is disrespectful”. If that didn’t work then.
2. Marriage counseling - If that didn’t work
3. Talk about the seriousness of the issue and say that you will move out if it’s not resolved.
4. Finally move out.

Instead, none of these steps were taken and except for #4.

I want to prove to my wife that I am working on my faults, and that I will make the changes in myself to make myself a better husband to her, as well as for me. I want the opportunity to show that to her. I hope that I get to, and I hope that will allow us to reconcile.

I still ask that you keep my wife and me, and our marriage in your prayers. I can really use your help, and I appreciate everyone that has continued to pray for my wife, our marriage, and I. I sincerely thank you.

 

[Caprotodox]

Today was a mix of emotions. Woke up feeling a little saddened, moved on to feeling decent, to breaking down in tears, then back to normal.

I went to the mens group at my church today. It was great meeting a lot of new guys and talking to a few of them who have been through a similar thing. I’m glad that I went. I will definitely continue to go.

I also headed to confession today, and my priest brought up a good point. He said to look at this event in a positive light, in that it’s going to allow me to make some real positive changes in my life by working on my weaknesses.

I do wonder if this is God giving me a kick in the pants because he saw that I needed it. I know that God was in favor/instrumental in me marrying my wife.

After some reflection today over the conversation my wife and I had the other day. She mentioned that she does not have any confidence. I think with her having low confidence and me being difficult to have an argument with and me hearing not listening, that it was a pairing that didn’t allow for issues to be resolved. Since she would not have the confidence to check me in an argument and allowed for me to turn the argument around, and with me hearing her but not listening that it allowed for arguments to go unresolved.

I need to do a better job listening and really listening. I need to just shut my mouth and listen.