My wife wants out - help needed

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Leap_of_Faith said:
Thank you TheRealJuliane,

In my heart I want to believe that it is all the little things she is claiming that caused her to give up on “us”. I don’t want to think that there is a possibility she could be cheating, I don’t see this as part of her moral upbringing.

To know she is willing (even if begrudgingly) to go to Retrouvaille with me gives me a shred of hope to hold on to. I love her with my heart and soul, and would put my life down for her and the kids. I told her this (and am trying to show this as well) and she still says there is nothing left to work with.

I must remain strong, and keep the faith. God want’s what is best for us, and I know this is not what her would want. I am willing to do whatever it takes but I need her to allow “us” another chance.

May God bless you and your family today and always.
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Even if it is the “little things” as she say, SHE has made the choice to stop working on the marriage. She decided to let her resentment and anger build up to the point where she is ready to forsake her vows and destroy her family and the lives of her own children. Does she have divorce in her family? Even though kids who went through their parents’ divorce seem to understand the damage it causes, they can still end up repeating their parents’ mistake. What she is doing, holding onto resentment against you, is still wrong. However justified she feels in doing it, she could forgive you tomorrow, today, and still discuss what went wrong and work on fixing it. Sure it’s hard to trust when feelings have been hurt, but I’m pretty sure she has done things over the years that you didn’t like either. It’s not a one-way street, ever. And unforgiveness is wrong, and a sin.

I prayed for you last night and I will keep praying.
 
Leap_of_Faith said:
Thank you TheRealJuliane,

In my heart I want to believe that it is all the little things she is claiming that caused her to give up on “us”. I don’t want to think that there is a possibility she could be cheating, I don’t see this as part of her moral upbringing.

To know she is willing (even if begrudgingly) to go to Retrouvaille with me gives me a shred of hope to hold on to. I love her with my heart and soul, and would put my life down for her and the kids. I told her this (and am trying to show this as well) and she still says there is nothing left to work with.

I must remain strong, and keep the faith. God want’s what is best for us, and I know this is not what her would want. I am willing to do whatever it takes but I need her to allow “us” another chance.

May God bless you and your family today and always.
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I am a child of divorce and b/c of this I am even more tenacious in my own marriage. I check out every resource I can find and research everything about marriage and how marriages work.

My husband is not perfect. He gives in to angry outbursts and name calling. I am working on this and I am learning to become assertive instead of passive agressive or agressive.

Most wives are passive/aggressive or hostile. They tend to be a see saw between the two extremes. Many women do not know what being assertive means. They think nagging or saying nothing is a form of assertiveness and it gets them no where.

Many wives think that saying “Yes” to their husband and then doing what they want anyway, is being assertive. Women are cheating themselves of a happy marriage and are on a very destructive path.

You say your wife wanted space to socialize and you gave it to her. She sounds very selfish to me. She got her space and it made her crave more space. 🤷 Does she not put her children first above her friends?

My heart aches for you and if she has been unfaithful, she has not only been unfaithful to you. She has been unfaithful to her children. This is very sad to me.
 
Dacinom said:
Your are right to HOPE! Despite all that has been said, your wife is still in your home, she is still married to you and she is willing to go to a Retrouvaille weekend. Retrouvaille is especially designed for couples on the verge of divorce or that have separated already or are in deep trouble otherwise.

Hope is good. Jesus loves you so very much, despair is not from God. You need to be realistic and work on your problems but keep hope I think you have reason to. Even though she is going to counseling with you “for appearances” she says there is a good chance that the experience will be meaningful for her anyway.

I will pray for you and so will many others here. Take care as best as you can.
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FWIW, I heard that Retrouvaille has a 80% success rate.
 
I too suggest you read the thread, my wife wants a divorce, where the husband’s wife announced she wanted a divorce and the husband has managed to turn things around , at least so far.
 
redroselover said:
I too suggest you read the thread, my wife wants a divorce, where the husband’s wife announced she wanted a divorce and the husband has managed to turn things around , at least so far.
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Yes and we are all very proud of him too. TexasCatholic99 is his username if you wish to PM him.
 
OMG; I didn’t want to tell affair is okey, no way!

It is just that as Catholics we are called to sacrifice for each other, help weak ones to stay out of temptation, build each other; if I am aware something is wrong, I will try to do MY SHARE of what is right and necessary.

When my husband consumed xxx pages on net, I took deep insight into me, realizing that maybe some part of his legitimate needs were not satisfied. When I decided to offer him more of my love, it stopped, he repented and decided to fight against it.

In case I did my share, but he refused to stop it, or to repent, I do not bear any more of responsibility. But as much as we can do - we are called to.

Sure, wife should in case of neglect find close friend, or priest to talk to, and not lover, but we all make mistakes and we all sin. And we are all called to protect each other from falling into sin, as much as it is within our abilities.

In marriage it is even more so, we are interdependable.

It is true that each one of us is free and responsible in front of God for himself, but at the same time we are one, when married and we are called to love and fulfill each other. So any case of stupid behavior for me is a sign that a person is in sin, or in pain, or lacking something, it is symptom.

O dear, I write from my heart because I feel for that woman! During first years of my marriage I was dreaming of finding “spiritual lover” - I never thought I might really have intimate intercourse with someone else, but shock, feelings of abandment and betrayal were so strong that I needed emotional shelter. I needed someone to be friendly, to show me I am attractive, funny, a person who is nice to be with. I was so close to that kind of adultery! Really on the edge. But I decided to stop after only one talk, it just felt bad in my soul. I still remember vividly how desperate I was for something comfy and nicely - after drama in my own marriage. So I am not quick to judge. Luckily for me, I sticked to my faith, I found girl-friend who deeply understood me, and we talked, and still do, about enduring, being strong, having faith, understanding marriage as vow.

But I know that God only knows what would be without God’s grace, Mary and my new friend who I consider God’s present for me! We are weak humans! So weak!

So, keep praying, and your marriage is to be saved!

I know many people who were in crisis, but survived. In fact, every marriage I know had it crisis, or few of them!

Hold on!

I am praying for you and your dear wife! She is just bitter and sad, she loves you!
 
I guess we ought to point out that texascatholic’s wife is not having an affair. If the OP’s wife is having an affair that changes everything . On other threads, we ladies have been beating up on the husbands that have strayed . We can;t have it both ways. The OP has seen red flags, but his wife says she is not having an affair. If she is, he has a right to demand she stop.
 
redroselover said:
I guess we ought to point out that texascatholic’s wife is not having an affair. If the OP’s wife is having an affair that changes everything . On other threads, we ladies have been beating up on the husbands that have strayed . We can;t have it both ways. The OP has seen red flags, but his wife says she is not having an affair. If she is, he has a right to demand she stop.
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I wouldn’t be able to stay married to someone who was having an affair. I just couldn’t.

TexasCatholic’s situation appears to be very different.
 
Hello Serap,

Thank you for your thoughts. In my case the evidence of an affair is overwhelming, however my wife is either telling me the truth that she is faithful or an extremely good liar, and a hypocrite to our faith. At this time before we go to Retrouvaille, I am choosing to believe she is faithful and telling me the truth.

I have to admit, the Red Flags are a very hard pills to swallow, but I will give her the benefit of doubt. I am not putting blinders on, she has been caught in several lies in the past relating to to her outings and such. Right now, I am only wanting to believe her because I can’t imagine how she can do the unthinkable and practice a very religious lifestyle.

The woman I have know for the past 10 years of marriage, the mother of our four beautiful young children, could simply not be able to do this and still be so active in the church and demonstrating a good prayer life. If she is, she would have to be making a mockery of the church and be a hypocrite to our marriage.

This family is my whole life, I would walk to the end of the earth to bring us back together. However, I must turn this over to God. All of this pain I turn over to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary.
 
You sound so strong and dedicated! Hold on to Mary and Jesus, and you will win. As they say - God never looses his battles!
 
Dear Friends,

I just wanted to give an update on the situation, tomorrow will be four weeks since my wife broke the news on our Anniversary. Last Sunday before mass we talked some more.

My wife went out the night before and didn’t get home until 1:45AM, she didn’t let me know who or where she would be going or a time to expect her home. I know it’s not right but I was extremely angry with her, and let her know exactly how I was feeling. I told her she was being very selfish and was showing no respect for our marriage or to our children. She simply explained that she was waiting for me to get angry over this and was waiting for me to explode.
I asked her if this was her intention, to drive me insane or what, she simply replied “I don’t love you anymore”.

With those words, I had a feeling of calm come over me and realized that what she has been doing to me for the past 3 1/2 weeks was not to make me angry or cause me pain…she just simply doesn’t love me. I told her I finally understand, without Love, there cannot be any respect or empathy, or any sort of caring. I told her I am no longer angry or hurt, but now I just feel sad for her. I told her I will pray for her because she will be a very lonely woman. This is a sad day for her, us and our children.

I then explained what the future will look like for all of us after the divorce, giving her a small small sense of reality. We simply don’t have enough money to get divorced and live two separate lives. Our children will suffer the most!

I took off my wedding band and handed it to her, and asked for her ring in return. I told her that these rings are a symbol of our love, and a promise to each other and God, but now I understand there is nothing left for us except to tell our family and friends that we could not repair our marriage. I also told her we should probably cancel Retrouvaille since she has no intention to make this work and it sounds like she is just going through the motions.

A strange thing happened just then, something very small changed in my wife. She asked me to put my ring back on and asked if we could still go to Retrouvaille before making any decisions on us. I agreed, put my ring back on and told her we will table our feelings until Retrouvaille is over.

She has been very nice to me since our talk Sunday. We even went over our new budget together and discussed our finances for the FUTURE, not until Retrouvaille is over.

I feel there is a small change, but to small to say that it is a step to repair. Maybe I just want to believe it that badly. I’ll keep you all posted.

I have turned this over to the Blessed Mother in it’s entirety. I will keep the faith in marriage until I die. If she won’t change her mind any time soon, I feel she will before I die.

May God bless you all and your families. Thank you all for the prayers.
 
zenzena said:
Pray Blessed Mother, I will too, that is wisest decision we can make!

But, don’t forget that no one leaves the one who loves THEM dearly. Loving WIFE and KIDS is lame if you don’t love Mrs. xy as SHE is, and kids who they are.

My hubby always says how much he loves me, but has no idea what I like and dislike, what I need and what I think.

He says that my thoughts burden him, that is he tired and bleak when he has to do things I love, and constantly buys me presents I dislike. For 8 years…

And so he loves me, would do anything for me, likes me…realy does… :rolleyes:

Honestly, if it wasn’t for God, and for the children’s sake I wouldn’t stay in this marriage
not a second more.

What would be the point?
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Don’t mean to hijack the thread, but this is very common zenzena. Men for some reason are so clueless. I remember the day we got back from our honeymoon, I needed to get a
haircut and in the meantime DH went and got me a muffin, which I LOVE, but he brought me the only flavor that I absolutely don’t like, in anything. I was so upset with my haircut on top of it that I nearly had a fit and DH was like, who cares what it is, be happy I thought about getting you something!

And this is where we’re both right and both wrong. Yes, we should appreciate every nice and thoughtful gesture, but YES, it does matter what it is. Don’t get me massage coupons if I hate massages, don’t buy me chocolate if I hate chocolate etc…

My best friend lived in a crammed basement apartment and for her bday her fiancé got her a huge tank with 2 turtles. 1. She doesn’t like turtles, 2, she had no room for it.

Men just have a very thoughtless way of being thoughtful sometimes but we gotta keep trying. I must say that DH has gotten WAY better over the past 8 years. I never let
anything slide but I always made sure to try to correct him gently or with humor - minus that time with the muffin which was just unforgivable lol.

We gotta help each other out, I know it gets frustrating to always state the obvious I.e I don’t like chocolate,… therefore don’t buy me chocolate! but they do learn, eventually.

And just like the OP , who seems to be very much on his toes all of a sudden, I’m sure that if your DH found out you wanted out he would learn all you like and dislike in a day, because he does love you.
 
Leap_of_Faith said:
Dear Friends,

I just wanted to give an update on the situation, tomorrow will be four weeks since my wife broke the news on our Anniversary. Last Sunday before mass we talked some more.

My wife went out the night before and didn’t get home until 1:45AM, she didn’t let me know who or where she would be going or a time to expect her home. I know it’s not right but I was extremely angry with her, and let her know exactly how I was feeling. I told her she was being very selfish and was showing no respect for our marriage or to our children. She simply explained that she was waiting for me to get angry over this and was waiting for me to explode.
I asked her if this was her intention, to drive me insane or what, she simply replied “I don’t love you anymore”.

With those words, I had a feeling of calm come over me and realized that what she has been doing to me for the past 3 1/2 weeks was not to make me angry or cause me

pain…she just simply doesn’t love me. I told her I finally understand, without Love, there cannot be any respect or empathy, or any sort of caring. I told her I am no longer angry or hurt, but now I just feel sad for her. I told her I will pray for her because she will be a very lonely woman. This is a sad day for her, us and our children.

I then explained what the future will look like for all of us after the divorce, giving her a small small sense of reality. We simply don’t have enough money to get divorced and live two separate lives. Our children will suffer the most!

I took off my wedding band and handed it to her, and asked for her ring in return. I told her that these rings are a symbol of our love, and a promise to each other and God, but now I understand there is nothing left for us except to tell our family and friends that we could not repair our marriage. I also told her we should probably cancel Retrouvaille since she has no intention to make this work and it sounds like she is just going through the motions.

A strange thing happened just then, something very small changed in my wife. She asked me to put my ring back on and asked if we could still go to Retrouvaille before making any decisions on us. I agreed, put my ring back on and told her we will table our feelings until Retrouvaille is over.

She has been very nice to me since our talk Sunday. We even went over our new budget together and discussed our finances for the FUTURE, not until Retrouvaille is over.

I feel there is a small change, but to small to say that it is a step to repair. Maybe I just want to believe it that badly. I’ll keep you all posted.

I have turned this over to the Blessed Mother in it’s entirety. I will keep the faith in marriage until I die. If she won’t change her mind any time soon, I feel she will before I die.

May God bless you all and your families. Thank you all for the prayers.
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Thanks be to God! I’m sure the reality check helped! No matter how unhappy you are with your spouse, with 4 little children there is no starting over. And it’s not wrong you got angry with her, what she did is completely unacceptable… It sounds like she’s doing these things just to be spiteful. For all you know she goes out and sits in a cafe by herself savoring the taste of revenge knowing she is driving you crazy. Keep her accountable, by all means.

God’s love and mercy be with you
 
**Thank you for the update.

I have been praying and saying Rosaries for you and
your family, and will continue to do so,

I’ll pass along something I once read… " Marriage is what keeps a couple together
until they fall in love again." May that happen in your case**.
 
Why do things have to get that far before people start really paying attention to one another’s needs. People don’t decide to divorce over night… they decide it when they feel absolutely abandoned in their daily life.
Why can’t people just appreciate and be nice to one another and helpful in their daily life, instead of driving their spouse so far out that they just don’t see the use of being together anymore…

Your wife is selfish, but so have you been for far too long it seems … and the story is very tragic. I hope the retrouville gives you both a reality check.
 
I hope Retrouvaille is a good thing for you guys.

You gave her a reality check and frankly, I think she needed it badly.
 
I’ve been reading this thread and similar threads, and it has given me a much greater respect for marriage. It has made me realize that we tend to put way too much stock in our emotions. Emotions are important, but they change with time and situations. If we say we love someone, it should be based on more than a feeling we have about them.

I went through a "marriage’ with a woman whom I thought had made the lifelong decision to love me, but I think her decision was based on a feeling she had for me. I too heard those words “I don’t love you anymore” and they hurt like crazy. I admire you for telling your wife what you did after she said them to you. I hope your wife will see that love is much more a decision than a feeling, and that it requires work and understanding that the feelings may come and go, but the love can remain, and if we show God that commitment to love, he’ll take care of the feelings department.
 
briang72 said:
I’ve been reading this thread and similar threads, and it has given me a much greater respect for marriage. It has made me realize that we tend to put way too much stock in our emotions. Emotions are important, but they change with time and situations. If we say we love someone, it should be based on more than a feeling we have about them.

I went through a "marriage’ with a woman whom I thought had made the lifelong decision to love me, but I think her decision was based on a feeling she had for me. I too heard those words “I don’t love you anymore” and they hurt like crazy. I admire you for telling your wife what you did after she said them to you. I hope your wife will see that love is much more a decision than a feeling, and that it requires work and understanding that the feelings may come and go, but the love can remain, and if we show God that commitment to love, he’ll take care of the feelings department.
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great post!
 
Thank you tuscany for all the kind words and prayers!

I think I will use the quote you gave me “Marriage is what keeps a couple together
until they fall in love again” in my next email I send to my wife. I think that says it just about perfect.

May God bless you and your family always.
 
Leap_of_Faith said:
Dear Friends,

I just wanted to give an update on the situation, tomorrow will be four weeks since my wife broke the news on our Anniversary. Last Sunday before mass we talked some more.

My wife went out the night before and didn’t get home until 1:45AM, she didn’t let me know who or where she would be going or a time to expect her home. I know it’s not right but I was extremely angry with her, and let her know exactly how I was feeling. I told her she was being very selfish and was showing no respect for our marriage or to our children. She simply explained that she was waiting for me to get angry over this and was waiting for me to explode.
I asked her if this was her intention, to drive me insane or what, she simply replied “I don’t love you anymore”.

With those words, I had a feeling of calm come over me and realized that what she has been doing to me for the past 3 1/2 weeks was not to make me angry or cause me pain…she just simply doesn’t love me. I told her I finally understand, without Love, there cannot be any respect or empathy, or any sort of caring. I told her I am no longer angry or hurt, but now I just feel sad for her. I told her I will pray for her because she will be a very lonely woman. This is a sad day for her, us and our children.

I then explained what the future will look like for all of us after the divorce, giving her a small small sense of reality. We simply don’t have enough money to get divorced and live two separate lives. Our children will suffer the most!

I took off my wedding band and handed it to her, and asked for her ring in return. I told her that these rings are a symbol of our love, and a promise to each other and God, but now I understand there is nothing left for us except to tell our family and friends that we could not repair our marriage. I also told her we should probably cancel Retrouvaille since she has no intention to make this work and it sounds like she is just going through the motions.

A strange thing happened just then, something very small changed in my wife. She asked me to put my ring back on and asked if we could still go to Retrouvaille before making any decisions on us. I agreed, put my ring back on and told her we will table our feelings until Retrouvaille is over.

She has been very nice to me since our talk Sunday. We even went over our new budget together and discussed our finances for the FUTURE, not until Retrouvaille is over.

**I feel there is a small change, but to small to say that it is a step to repair. Maybe I just want to believe it that badly. I’ll keep you all posted.
**
I have turned this over to the Blessed Mother in it’s entirety. I will keep the faith in marriage until I die. If she won’t change her mind any time soon, I feel she will before I die.

May God bless you all and your families. Thank you all for the prayers.
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I think this is a HUGE change. I love it that you got angry because of her betrayal of your love, and her promise. I think maybe she was hoping you would react that way, and show her that she can’t just abuse you and expect things to continue. Sometimes drawing that line in the sand will snap a selfish spouse out of his or her spell.

Totally praying for you, and I have heard and read great things about Retrouvaille! I pray that my husband and I will be able to attend the weekend and follow-up sessions during the coming year.
 
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