My wife wants out - help needed

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I am saddened to read your story. I am grateful for your wife’s response when you took your ring of and laid it all out for her. I am concerned a little though. As a woman with three children of my own with a whole story of my own, the divorce, single mom, no money facts are enough to make a woman take pause. Everyone has been so positive for you, I can’t help but to tell you to keep your eyes WIDE open. Would it be a possibility for you to hire a private detective to do just a little work for you? I wish I had a long time ago. My husband is a very crafty, deceitful, manipulator of facts when he needs to be. One thing I have learned, most people having affairs will hide it until they are caught. Even then, they will try to deny it. They get to the, “only admit what they know you know” stage. She may have suffered many hurts and losses during your marriage if you were not a sacrificing, attentive partner who was invested in your wife’s life and treated her as if she were an equal. Those hurts can and do kill feelings. But, that will never excuse an affiar AND, she has to learn to forgive, especially as you are trying to change these things. This is VERY commendable of you!! These are hard to change. The other posters have given you some wonderful information. I pray that your marriage is saved!!!
 
Thank you Always For Him for the advice and prayers.

I am not blind to the idea that she may be having an affair, and I will be keeping my eyes open for more Red Flags. I am praying that is not the case here, but I would still be willing to try to work things out with her (should this be the case) but she will need to be honest and willing to help repair this relationship.

May God Bless you and your family always.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I think this is a HUGE change. I love it that you got angry because of her betrayal of your love, and her promise. I think maybe she was hoping you would react that way, and show her that she can’t just abuse you and expect things to continue. Sometimes drawing that line in the sand will snap a selfish spouse out of his or her spell.

Totally praying for you, and I have heard and read great things about Retrouvaille! I pray that my husband and I will be able to attend the weekend and follow-up sessions during the coming year.
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I will pray for you too Julianne.
 
Hello Friends,

Does anyone know the answer to my question below?

As Catholic’s, if my wife wants to divorce, she can divorce me and the Church will acknowledge the divorce but we cannot date or remarry until we get an annulment, correct?

Now, if my wife want’s an annulment because she want’s to date and remarry, but I don’t want to date or remarry and I want to work things out with my wife, can she get the marriage annulled?

My understanding is that the church would annul my marriage if I asked because my wife is the one choosing to leave and not work things out, thus breaking the marital bond. The Church would NOT annul the marriage if my wife requested it because she is the one leaving (without just cause) and is not willing to try to work to repair the marriage…is this correct?

The reason for the question is because during my conversation with my wife a week ago, I told her this, and she looked angry enough to kill me ten times over.

The truth is, I will not remarry and if my wife does go through with the divorce, I don’t want her to remarry until the kids are grown and out of the house (16 years left, the youngest is only two). This is not to punish my wife, I simply don’t want another man to influence my children.

Thank you and God Bless you and your families.
 
Leap_of_Faith said:
Hello Friends,

Does anyone know the answer to my question below?

As Catholic’s, if my wife wants to divorce, she can divorce me and the Church will acknowledge the divorce but we cannot date or remarry until we get an annulment, correct?

Now, if my wife want’s an annulment because she want’s to date and remarry, but I don’t want to date or remarry and I want to work things out with my wife, can she get the marriage annulled?

My understanding is that the church would annul my marriage if I asked because my wife is the one choosing to leave and not work things out, thus breaking the marital bond. The Church would NOT annul the marriage if my wife requested it because she is the one leaving (without just cause) and is not willing to try to work to repair the marriage…is this correct?

The reason for the question is because during my conversation with my wife a week ago, I told her this, and she looked angry enough to kill me ten times over.

The truth is, I will not remarry and if my wife does go through with the divorce, I don’t want her to remarry until the kids are grown and out of the house (16 years left, the youngest is only two). This is not to punish my wife, I simply don’t want another man to influence my children.

Thank you and God Bless you and your families.
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what grounds would there be for an anulment?
 
Leap_of_Faith said:
Hello Friends,

Does anyone know the answer to my question below?

As Catholic’s, if my wife wants to divorce, she can divorce me and the Church will acknowledge the divorce but we cannot date or remarry until we get an annulment, correct?

Now, if my wife want’s an annulment because she want’s to date and remarry, but I don’t want to date or remarry and I want to work things out with my wife, can she get the marriage annulled?

My understanding is that the church would annul my marriage if I asked because my wife is the one choosing to leave and not work things out, thus breaking the marital bond. The Church would NOT annul the marriage if my wife requested it because she is the one leaving (without just cause) and is not willing to try to work to repair the marriage…is this correct?

The reason for the question is because during my conversation with my wife a week ago, I told her this, and she looked angry enough to kill me ten times over.

The truth is, I will not remarry and if my wife does go through with the divorce, I don’t want her to remarry until the kids are grown and out of the house (16 years left, the youngest is only two). This is not to punish my wife, I simply don’t want another man to influence my children.

Thank you and God Bless you and your families.
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I am not the tribunal, but it is my understanding that if you took your vows as Catholics seriously AT THE TIME, then it matters not one whit who wants to leave whom at this point. It is not an endorsement of your civil divorce, but a decision that the marriage ORIGINALLY was not valid. There are grounds for annulment but it is by no means guaranteed.

And BTW, your wife could marry or shack up with another man completely independently of the Church.
 
Hello Serap,

The only things she is willing to admit are a bunch of little things that has bothered her for the past 10 years, and that she doesn’t love me any more.

God Bless!
 
Leap_of_Faith said:
Hello Serap,

The only things she is willing to admit are a bunch of little things that has bothered her for the past 10 years, and that she doesn’t love me any more.

God Bless!
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Love takes work. Love is an act of the will… Its not a passive receptive emotion… unless it stayes at the eros- stage and never moves into the agape.
Your wife needs to understand that no body can wear pink coloured glasses for decades… especially if one is not comitted to communication every day.
 
Leap_of_Faith said:
Hello Serap,

The only things she is willing to admit are a bunch of little things that has bothered her for the past 10 years, and that she doesn’t love me any more.

God Bless!
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I seriously doubt that this would even be considered as grounds. Again, the annulment means that there was a serious problem at the time of the wedding, or even before. It is not “Catholic divorce.” If one of the partners intended to cheat on the other partner, for example, as he or she was taking vows, that would mean the marriage had a serious impediment. That person would have been lying.

Your wife can’t just say, “Well I fell out of love” and get an annulment. A lot more difficult than that.
 
Leap_of_Faith said:
Hello Serap,

The only things she is willing to admit are a bunch of **little things **that has bothered her for the past 10 years, and that she doesn’t love me any more.

God Bless!
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Does she feel they were little things or is this your opinion? Those things may have been very important to her.
 
Hello cviolette,

The issues she mentioned are very important to her, and I have acknowledged how important they are and told her I will implement changes in my life to eliminate the issues. They seem small to me and I have no problem converting myself to become the person she wanted me to become. She says she doesn’t believe me. I have never lied to my wife! I have implemented these changes in my daily life for the past 4 1/2 weeks and she has seen the changes but still says she has no love for me. I will continue being that person she tells me is so important to her because I love her. These changes are small and are fairly easy to live with.

I think the real issue is that she doesn’t want to be tied down anymore, and doesn’t feel she should have to answer to anybody in her daily life and her late night outings. I feel it is a respect issue that she cannot live with, not the excuses she gave me about me. I will continue with my daily conversion, I like the person I am becoming more so I feel the changes are worthwhile.

May God Bless you and your family always!

Through my daily sufferings, the words of comfort I gathered from Saint Faustina that give me strength:

“Oh, if only the suffering soul knew how much God loves it, it would die of joy and of an excess of happiness! One day, we shall know the value of suffering, but then we will no longer be able to suffer. The present moment is ours.” Saint Faustina

Jesus insists to Sister Faustina “Graces are drawn from [the fount of] My mercy with one vessel only, and that is - trust. The more a soul trusts, the more it will receive. I make myself dependent upon your trust; if your trust will be great, then My generosity will know no limits. Sins of distrust wound Me most painfully.” Saint Faustina.
 
Question for Leap of Faith: How often do you (and your wife) go to confession? How often do you do that deep soul searching required of a examination of conscience?
I have a book recommendation for you: “Deep Conversion Deep Prayer” by Fr. Thomas Dubay. My feeling is that both of you are in need of a deep conversion that comes from frequent reception of the sacrament of reconciliation, so that you can strengthen your sacrament of marriage.

Remember the primary purpose of the Sacrament of Marriage is to help (with the grace of that sacrament) bring your spouse to eternal life in heaven.

I have a review of this book on my blog:
stagesofprayer.wordpress.com/2010/04/27/deep-conversion-deep-prayer/
 
tuscany said:
** I really don’t have any advice and it breaks my heart to say this, but her making SURE the marriage went ten years tells me she wanted to make sure she hit the ten year mark to be able to some day collect on your Social Security. (You have to be married for at least ten years for that to happen). I’m so sorry to have to say it, but from where I see it, she has already checked out a long time ago, is not interested in making it work and is just going through the motions of a Marriage Encounter so she can say that she “tried.”

I am so very sorry this is happening to you and your family.
I will keep you in my prayers :console:**
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I’m sorry, I can’t even get past this quote… sure that’s a possability… but really does the OP make SOOOOOOOO much $$? Who stays in a marriage to make sure in the next 20+ years she can get half of the tiniest check ever? Now that’s some AWESOME financial planning… not…
 
Leap_of_Faith said:
Hello cviolette,

The issues she mentioned are very important to her, and I have acknowledged how important they are and told her I will implement changes in my life to eliminate the issues. They seem small to me and I have no problem converting myself to become the person she wanted me to become. She says she doesn’t believe me. I have never lied to my wife! I have implemented these changes in my daily life for the past 4 1/2 weeks and she has seen the changes but still says she has no love for me. I will continue being that person she tells me is so important to her because I love her. These changes are small and are fairly easy to live with.
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That is great that you are making the changes and trying. I am sorry that she doesn’t appreciate the changes.
I think the real issue is that she doesn’t want to be tied down anymore, and doesn’t feel she should have to answer to anybody in her daily life and her late night outings. I feel it is a respect issue that she cannot live with, not the excuses she gave me about me. I will continue with my daily conversion, I like the person I am becoming more so I feel the changes are worthwhile.
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I am in the same position as your wife and went through a very selfish phase. Thankfully, it only last a couple of months though I did quite a bit of damage in two months. I am now trying to make my marriage work. It is hard. I pray that I will love my husband again but also am afraid to love him. It gives him too much power to hurt me. Right now, he can continue to do and say mean things and I can protect my heart because I feel nothing for him. I also blame it on the little things but the bottom line is he does not respect or love me.

I will say, there was a 3 day period where he was very nice. I could see why I use to love him and was determined to make the marriage work. Well, it only lasted 3 days. Hopefully, since you are trying to change, you wife will see why she use to love you.
May God Bless you and your family always!
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Through my daily sufferings, the words of comfort I gathered from Saint Faustina that give me strength:
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“Oh, if only the suffering soul knew how much God loves it, it would die of joy and of an excess of happiness! One day, we shall know the value of suffering, but then we will no longer be able to suffer. The present moment is ours.” Saint Faustina
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Jesus insists to Sister Faustina “Graces are drawn from [the fount of] My mercy with one vessel only, and that is - trust. The more a soul trusts, the more it will receive. I make myself dependent upon your trust; if your trust will be great, then My generosity will know no limits. Sins of distrust wound Me most painfully.” Saint Faustina.
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I love to read St Faustina’s diary. I say the Chaplet of Divine Mercy every day.

I will pray for your family.
 
faithfully said:
I’m sorry, I can’t even get past this quote… sure that’s a possability… but really does the OP make SOOOOOOOO much $$? Who stays in a marriage to make sure in the next 20+ years she can get half of the tiniest check ever? Now that’s some AWESOME financial planning… not…
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Yeah, considering that SS is bankrupt NOW…people my age are up a creek…work till we’re dead…

:mad:
 
Hello AntoniusVII,

I’m not sure how often my wife goes to confession (I think once a month), I try to go once a month, however since this all went down 5 weeks ago I’ve been once a week.

Thank you for the links, it is good to keep in the state of grace to obtain all the Lord Blessings.
 
Hello cviolette,

Your short story brought me to tears and gave me a regained strength of hope to continue fighting the good fight of faith. I truly love my wife with my whole heart and soul, her and the kids are my whole life, I feel they are the reason for my existence. I can’t imagine my life without them, it is too painful to think about.

I am praying so hard the Blessed Mother will open her eyes and see the value of marriage and keeping our beautiful family together.

I have forgiven her for all her past repeated lying each and every time, and have given her a clean slate every time. As a Catholic, we are required to forgive as we want God to forgive us. I pray she can let go of the issues she has been harboring against me so we can grow back together as one under God. I am making the changes in my life to prove my love to her, and like I said before, I like the changes I see in myself, these changes will be part of me from now on.

The fact of the matter (and which my wife is very vocal about), you can’t make someone love you no matter what you say or do. If she is not open to love, it will never happen.

I must keep my faith in God and the Holy Family, they will answer my prayers!

Thank you for you prayers. I will pray God Blesses you and your family always!
 
Brother I will pray for you and your family right now. You must also remember to pray, try to find comfort through our Holy Most Blessed Mother Mary. I am not near as versed or smart as most everyone who post here, but i am going through something of the same i say that but most of mine was brought on myself. I understand the shear devastation you are feeling.
My only answer is pray. It sounds like you have done all you can to get her to see a counselor, someone said you should be going to Retrouvaille and that is completely true. My wife and i used to help with Engaged Encounter and Marriage Encounter and right now those are not where you guys need to be, so see if you can get her to go to Retrouvaille . May God send you some comfort so you can sleep at night and eat during the day. This sound so weird but i had complete trouble with both. Remember to continue to pray the Rosary, please don’t drink, this will only cause more problems I am living proof of that. WE are here, our Mother Mary is always near to be our intercessor. I’m sorry for the grammar and spelling. Your Brother in Christ
 
**Faithfully and TheRealJuliane,
Yes, you are absolutely right, what WAS I thinking ? No woman has EVER stayed in a marriage one extra year just to get something.
She is the one that told him she stopped loving him a year ago, and said she deliberately waited another year, until their ten year anniversary (her words), to tell him. **
 
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