T
tuscany
Guest
Leap of Faith,
Continued prayers for you and your family. :console:
Continued prayers for you and your family. :console:
- Status
S
Serap
Guest
Unfortunately, it’s true. Some women would do this
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
I wasn’t doubting you, just recognizing that if the OP’s wife had that in mind, she’s planning on something that ain’t gonna happen.
S
Serap
Guest
Please read this article. It’s an eye opener. Have your wife also read this article.
americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html
Here’s the synopsis:
In a first study of it’s kind by the American Institute of Values, it was found
that after five years, people who choose to divorce were no happier then
those who choose stay in an unhappy marriage. [3]
Incredibly, the study found that an astonishing two thirds of unhappily
married spouses who choose to stay together, reported their marriage
happy five years later.[4]
In fact, the most unhappy marriages reported the greatest turn around: Of
those who considered their marriage ‘most unhappy’, almost 80% who
stayed in the marriage reported that same marriage to be ‘happy’ five years
later.[4]
This means that over two thirds of the people who STAYED in their
marriage DESPITE being unhappy at the time, ended up happy in 5 years.
A person in that situation could perhaps consider: What would I have lost if I
had left this marriage when times were tough?
And what have they gained from staying committed to their martial vows? A
happy marriage and all the incredible, amazing fruits that come with that.
These statistics provide an amazing sense of perspective that can often be
overlooked when a marriage gets rough and the unhappy emotions of the
moment become blinding. When a person is seriously considering divorce
as an option, it is certainly wise to consider that according to this, if you do
choose to STAY, you have a statistically two out of three chance of
considering your marriage as HAPPY five years down the track.
No matter how hard it seems now, no matter how much it FEELS like you
could never be happy, with time things change and it is certainly possible.
Of course, with a bit of Biblical counseling, you can VASTLY increase the
chances of turning your marriage around and into something producing
happy fruits for all involved, including children… Even if it seems impossible
now, you can turn your marriage into something even more amazing
then it EVER has been.
americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html
Here’s the synopsis:
In a first study of it’s kind by the American Institute of Values, it was found
that after five years, people who choose to divorce were no happier then
those who choose stay in an unhappy marriage. [3]
Incredibly, the study found that an astonishing two thirds of unhappily
married spouses who choose to stay together, reported their marriage
happy five years later.[4]
In fact, the most unhappy marriages reported the greatest turn around: Of
those who considered their marriage ‘most unhappy’, almost 80% who
stayed in the marriage reported that same marriage to be ‘happy’ five years
later.[4]
This means that over two thirds of the people who STAYED in their
marriage DESPITE being unhappy at the time, ended up happy in 5 years.
A person in that situation could perhaps consider: What would I have lost if I
had left this marriage when times were tough?
And what have they gained from staying committed to their martial vows? A
happy marriage and all the incredible, amazing fruits that come with that.
These statistics provide an amazing sense of perspective that can often be
overlooked when a marriage gets rough and the unhappy emotions of the
moment become blinding. When a person is seriously considering divorce
as an option, it is certainly wise to consider that according to this, if you do
choose to STAY, you have a statistically two out of three chance of
considering your marriage as HAPPY five years down the track.
No matter how hard it seems now, no matter how much it FEELS like you
could never be happy, with time things change and it is certainly possible.
Of course, with a bit of Biblical counseling, you can VASTLY increase the
chances of turning your marriage around and into something producing
happy fruits for all involved, including children… Even if it seems impossible
now, you can turn your marriage into something even more amazing
then it EVER has been.
L
Leap_of_Faith_1
Guest
Hello gump88,
Thank you for the prayers and advice. I am praying like the world ends today for my wifes conversion of heart and for our beautiful family. I feel I have a close relationship with the Blessed Mother and I trust she will help answer my prayers. I have reimplemented daily rosary’s in my life, along with other prayers, and they are giving me comfort and strength.
My wife and I start Retrouville Marriage Encounter in 8 days. I pray the Blessed Mother with help her obtain the graces needed from Blessed Jesus to open her heart and allow love and healing to start.
May God Bless you and your family always.
Thank you for the prayers and advice. I am praying like the world ends today for my wifes conversion of heart and for our beautiful family. I feel I have a close relationship with the Blessed Mother and I trust she will help answer my prayers. I have reimplemented daily rosary’s in my life, along with other prayers, and they are giving me comfort and strength.
My wife and I start Retrouville Marriage Encounter in 8 days. I pray the Blessed Mother with help her obtain the graces needed from Blessed Jesus to open her heart and allow love and healing to start.
May God Bless you and your family always.
F
faithfully
Guest
Plenty of PEOPLE, not just women, do things that are for their own gain.
I’m not convinced, however that you are privy to her thought process. When her DH doesn’t even have a clue.
It is odd to me that she announced on their 10th Ann. that she doesn’t love him anymore, and that she waited a year to tell him so, and then bail. Kind of seems cruel. Makes me wonder what warrants such a treatment?
I’m confused that OP says he’s forgiven her for her past repeated lying…
But he opens this thread that SHE can’t get over past issues. (which is usually not something that one would refer to about themselves)
Then he says, there are these little things that have been bugging her for the 10 years? They are little in his opinion. And so easy to fix. but she does’t believe that he’ll change? Why is that? Usually that has to do with failure to already do so?
Is this the first time in 10 years OP has heard of these little things? Possible I suppose.
I will be interested to hear what happens after Retroville…
OP… prayers for you, your wife and your family… Sounds like some major doors of communication need to be open to solve anything… Hope they fly open wide!
T
tuscany
Guest
“I’m sorry, I can’t even get past this quote… sure that’s a possability… but really does the OP make SOOOOOOOO much $$? Who stays in a marriage to make sure in the next 20+ years she can get half of the tiniest check ever? Now that’s some AWESOME financial planning… not… "
and
“I’m not convinced, however that you are privy to her thought process. When her DH doesn’t even have a clue.”
Faithfully”
**No Faithfully, of course I’m not privy to her thought process, just like you aren’t privy in knowing that the OP’s Social Security check will be " the tiniest check ever…"
Leap of Faith asked for advice, and I honestly and with prayer, gave him mine. I wrote in answer to him, not to give you an answer you liked. If you don’t like my opinions or advice, please don’t read my posts. But to imply that my opinion or advice isn’t correct because I don’t know "what someone else is thinking " is ludicrous.**
and
“I’m not convinced, however that you are privy to her thought process. When her DH doesn’t even have a clue.”
Faithfully”
**No Faithfully, of course I’m not privy to her thought process, just like you aren’t privy in knowing that the OP’s Social Security check will be " the tiniest check ever…"
Leap of Faith asked for advice, and I honestly and with prayer, gave him mine. I wrote in answer to him, not to give you an answer you liked. If you don’t like my opinions or advice, please don’t read my posts. But to imply that my opinion or advice isn’t correct because I don’t know "what someone else is thinking " is ludicrous.**
F
faithfully
Guest
**No Faithfully…, of course I’m not privy to her thought process, just like you aren’t privy in knowing that the OP’s Social Security check will be " the tiniest check ever…"
Leap of Faith asked for advice, and I honestly and with prayer, gave him mine…**
Really? With prayer??? You determined that his wife stayed a year so she could collect SS???
You can’t even scroll back and read what you wrote can you?.. you are saying that you HONESTLY gave him advise???
When your origial post says… and I quote: “***I really don’t have any advice ***and it breaks my heart to say this, but her making SURE the marriage went ten years tells me she wanted to make sure she hit the ten year mark to be able to some day collect on your Social Security. (You have to be married for at least ten years for that to happen). I’m so sorry to have to say it, but from where I see it, she has already checked out a long time ago, is not interested in making it work and is just going through the motions of a Marriage Encounter so she can say that she “tried.””
And then you go on to WHAT YOU SEE… which is nothing… but 2 paragraphs…
That’s like saying… You sneezed. In my opinion you have allergies, and should take a certain allergy pill. Without finding out, that perhaps you’ve been around a group of sick children all with confirmed colds… You’re diagnosing based on your opinion… not on actual fact.
And you’re right. If that’s the way you roll, then I will take YOUR advise, and ignore what you write. As it’s clearly more important to you to advise on what you THINK is the issue as opposed to what may actually be the issue…
I didn’t assume that the check would be tiny. I said, UNLESS the OP makes major $$ then it’s bound to be… as proven by today’s averages… AND IF she’s making decisions like you suggest, she’s a TERRIBLE planner. Furthermore, you fail to consider that she could, at ANY YEAR in their marriage get his retirement plans, 401k, and pensions tied up…(In many cases I understand she could force a liquidation, which would be foolish in todays economy, and tax implications) SS is the least profitable source of money. However, I susppose that SS could be just a small part of her plan. Like, in addition to a plan to get a great job, put away a 401k, get all the child support she can, live on a very tight budget, then yeah, it could have an impact… But you don’t suggest that…There is much more to be concerned about. This isn’t the 1950’s where she’d be lucky to get a job better than waitressing and working for tips, so she doesn’t starve in her old age. This is an era where she could easily qualify for $$ to go back to school, and training, and get a good paying job that she herself could support her family on. (if she were so inclined)
This is an era that men need to realize that their paycheck is no longer the only thing that ties their wife and kids to them. They have to be (and I agree women should be of the same frame of mind) participating family members. I have no idea what the OP or his wife do or CAN do for a living… But I can consider my situation for a moment. I can replace my husbands salary in a flash if I have to. He makes good $$. And things are nice. But he knows that his $$ is not why he’s here. He’s here because I love him. Because he shows me love. He is an amazing participating father and husband… Not just cash that walks in and out the door…
And for the record… Here’s a relatively current article on SS… news.yahoo.com/s/usnews/20110516/ts_usnews/howtoretireonsocialsecurityalone
If the average SS check in March 2011 was just over $1100… and a ex spouse was looking to get half… I’d say… ok… It’s $500.00. She could make a pretty car payment when she’s 65. Maybe in your world that’s a lot of money. But in mine… That’s tiny… And that’s no retirement plan… Maybe she’s one of those crazy coupon clippers who buys 50 bags of croutons for $1.00 and thinks she’s made a good financial decision (or health decision for that matter)
OP… I’m so glad your wife agreed to counceling. I don’t believe your average person wants to go through a divorce. Or wants to distrupt the lives of their children. You don’t indicate that she has claimed to have lost her love for her children. I imagine she wants what’s best for them. It’s possible that she’s so unhappy, for whatever reason. That she feels showing her children to stay that way for the sake of living with someone is NOT ideal. If for example you were abusive, emotionally or physically (I don’t gather that btw) I’d say she’s been gathering courage to run for her life. However, I have no idea why she gave you a year without informing you that something needed to change or she was going to go… I hope at this weekend you’re able to fully determine what the driving force is here.
You did mention that she has lied alot in the past. This is a concerning statement… without even attempting to DX her, I wonder what kind of mental issues a constant liar has going on in their head. And I also wonder about the person that wants to endure that kind of situation…(like the abused staying with an abuser)
It may be that she doesn’t believe that counceling will solve anything. But I can’t tell you how many people won’t even go listen. She has AT LEAST set herself up to hear something that could change the tide. And if she doesn’t HEAR it… then perhaps she’s in a much worse place than you realize? Or that your marriage is just much worse than you identify with??
You and your family are in my prayers regardless of my thoughts of what others have assumed to be your problem…
Leap of Faith asked for advice, and I honestly and with prayer, gave him mine…**
Really? With prayer??? You determined that his wife stayed a year so she could collect SS???
You can’t even scroll back and read what you wrote can you?.. you are saying that you HONESTLY gave him advise???
When your origial post says… and I quote: “***I really don’t have any advice ***and it breaks my heart to say this, but her making SURE the marriage went ten years tells me she wanted to make sure she hit the ten year mark to be able to some day collect on your Social Security. (You have to be married for at least ten years for that to happen). I’m so sorry to have to say it, but from where I see it, she has already checked out a long time ago, is not interested in making it work and is just going through the motions of a Marriage Encounter so she can say that she “tried.””
And then you go on to WHAT YOU SEE… which is nothing… but 2 paragraphs…
That’s like saying… You sneezed. In my opinion you have allergies, and should take a certain allergy pill. Without finding out, that perhaps you’ve been around a group of sick children all with confirmed colds… You’re diagnosing based on your opinion… not on actual fact.
And you’re right. If that’s the way you roll, then I will take YOUR advise, and ignore what you write. As it’s clearly more important to you to advise on what you THINK is the issue as opposed to what may actually be the issue…
I didn’t assume that the check would be tiny. I said, UNLESS the OP makes major $$ then it’s bound to be… as proven by today’s averages… AND IF she’s making decisions like you suggest, she’s a TERRIBLE planner. Furthermore, you fail to consider that she could, at ANY YEAR in their marriage get his retirement plans, 401k, and pensions tied up…(In many cases I understand she could force a liquidation, which would be foolish in todays economy, and tax implications) SS is the least profitable source of money. However, I susppose that SS could be just a small part of her plan. Like, in addition to a plan to get a great job, put away a 401k, get all the child support she can, live on a very tight budget, then yeah, it could have an impact… But you don’t suggest that…There is much more to be concerned about. This isn’t the 1950’s where she’d be lucky to get a job better than waitressing and working for tips, so she doesn’t starve in her old age. This is an era where she could easily qualify for $$ to go back to school, and training, and get a good paying job that she herself could support her family on. (if she were so inclined)
This is an era that men need to realize that their paycheck is no longer the only thing that ties their wife and kids to them. They have to be (and I agree women should be of the same frame of mind) participating family members. I have no idea what the OP or his wife do or CAN do for a living… But I can consider my situation for a moment. I can replace my husbands salary in a flash if I have to. He makes good $$. And things are nice. But he knows that his $$ is not why he’s here. He’s here because I love him. Because he shows me love. He is an amazing participating father and husband… Not just cash that walks in and out the door…
And for the record… Here’s a relatively current article on SS… news.yahoo.com/s/usnews/20110516/ts_usnews/howtoretireonsocialsecurityalone
If the average SS check in March 2011 was just over $1100… and a ex spouse was looking to get half… I’d say… ok… It’s $500.00. She could make a pretty car payment when she’s 65. Maybe in your world that’s a lot of money. But in mine… That’s tiny… And that’s no retirement plan… Maybe she’s one of those crazy coupon clippers who buys 50 bags of croutons for $1.00 and thinks she’s made a good financial decision (or health decision for that matter)
OP… I’m so glad your wife agreed to counceling. I don’t believe your average person wants to go through a divorce. Or wants to distrupt the lives of their children. You don’t indicate that she has claimed to have lost her love for her children. I imagine she wants what’s best for them. It’s possible that she’s so unhappy, for whatever reason. That she feels showing her children to stay that way for the sake of living with someone is NOT ideal. If for example you were abusive, emotionally or physically (I don’t gather that btw) I’d say she’s been gathering courage to run for her life. However, I have no idea why she gave you a year without informing you that something needed to change or she was going to go… I hope at this weekend you’re able to fully determine what the driving force is here.
You did mention that she has lied alot in the past. This is a concerning statement… without even attempting to DX her, I wonder what kind of mental issues a constant liar has going on in their head. And I also wonder about the person that wants to endure that kind of situation…(like the abused staying with an abuser)
It may be that she doesn’t believe that counceling will solve anything. But I can’t tell you how many people won’t even go listen. She has AT LEAST set herself up to hear something that could change the tide. And if she doesn’t HEAR it… then perhaps she’s in a much worse place than you realize? Or that your marriage is just much worse than you identify with??
You and your family are in my prayers regardless of my thoughts of what others have assumed to be your problem…
T
tuscany
Guest
**Sorry faithfully, I wrote the word advice when I meant to say opinion.
That said, maybe YOU should go back and re-read what YOU wrote. You DID say that his S/S check would be the tiniest check ever. Don’t back track.
Yes, I DO pray before I answer a post, who are you to question that ? I also say Rosaries for the people I post on, and I have also been saying Rosaries for Leap of Faith and his wife for their weekend, are you going to question that too ? So, what I get from you is that if someone has a different opinion of something than you do, then you have to mock, use sarcasm, and are hostile, because that is what you have been from your very first post here to me. Wow…
When I read the OP’s post, what I wrote was my honest impression of what the situation was. That is all any of us can do. None of us can read into the OP’s wife’s mind, and 20 different people can have 20 different impressions of what is going on. Who are you to mock any body’s impression ?
NONE of us can actually know an issue. All of us have to answer any post by what our impression of a situation is. Since none of us can know the true facts about any post, anyone’s impression is just as valid as yours.
My original posts were to Leap of Faith, not to you. I will do what I should have originally done, and that is to ignore your hostile attitude. This is Leap of Faith’s post, and he doesn’t deserve this.
My apologies to you Leap of Faith, I am sorry.**
That said, maybe YOU should go back and re-read what YOU wrote. You DID say that his S/S check would be the tiniest check ever. Don’t back track.
Yes, I DO pray before I answer a post, who are you to question that ? I also say Rosaries for the people I post on, and I have also been saying Rosaries for Leap of Faith and his wife for their weekend, are you going to question that too ? So, what I get from you is that if someone has a different opinion of something than you do, then you have to mock, use sarcasm, and are hostile, because that is what you have been from your very first post here to me. Wow…
When I read the OP’s post, what I wrote was my honest impression of what the situation was. That is all any of us can do. None of us can read into the OP’s wife’s mind, and 20 different people can have 20 different impressions of what is going on. Who are you to mock any body’s impression ?
NONE of us can actually know an issue. All of us have to answer any post by what our impression of a situation is. Since none of us can know the true facts about any post, anyone’s impression is just as valid as yours.
My original posts were to Leap of Faith, not to you. I will do what I should have originally done, and that is to ignore your hostile attitude. This is Leap of Faith’s post, and he doesn’t deserve this.
My apologies to you Leap of Faith, I am sorry.**
F
faithfully
Guest
OP, I’m happy to offer prayers. I can’t say that I will pray and come up with any relevations for you… but I can pray that God will intervene on your families behalf and best interest…
Please let us know how your weekend goes. I know I’m curious to what you learn, and what you notice (if any change) in your wife…
Please let us know how your weekend goes. I know I’m curious to what you learn, and what you notice (if any change) in your wife…
L
Leap_of_Faith_1
Guest
Hello,
Thank you for your thoughts. To help clear things up a bit, I don’t make much money but my wife & kids and I get along alright and still enjoy some of life’s perks. I don’t feel this is about money but rather she wants to be free of the responsibilities of being tied down. I believe her single (and divorced) friends are influencing her, and she admits that she feels she missed out on life and got married too young.
Looking over her Facebook page and the family camera, I’ve noticed she has cut me out of our family events for the past year, deliberately taking pictures of everyone else (her and her family) and not any with me. It’s as if I was never there, and is a lot of cases I wasn’t because I didn’t even know about the event to be included. Her family birthday parties with my kids I wasn’t even invited to (when I was out of town working). Hundreds of pictures of her outings till the early hours while the kids are at the In-Laws show her with no Ring and with lots of guys and girls drinking (she tells me she doesn’t drink). These pictures are showing me a side of my wife I knew nothing about.
To give a better understanding of our situation; first of all, none of the reasons she has told me have anything to do with her, and we have discussed all of them.
#1, (the biggest) she found some inappropriate pictures on the computer (sexy and some nude photos - not porn). I take full responsibility for my actions, have gone to confession and repented for my sins. I have made a firm resolution to never do this again; not only for my soul but also because of the devastating effect this can have on a marriage. I told my wife I am very sorry for the way this made her feel, and solemnly promised not to do it again.
#2, she feels I am jealous and controlling. Most of this is stemmed from her late night outings with guys and girls drinking. I don’t know any of these people (single guys) and am not allowed to go with her and get to know any of them. She continually lies about who, what, where and when, and will only admit she lied if she gets caught, and then it’s followed with lots of excuses.
#3, she doesn’t like the tone of my voice when I get angry with her for lying.
#4, she feels I am grumpy and overreact when the kids misbehave. I agree with this to an extent and have changed the way I talk to them. Changing my demeanor has increased my relationship with my kids, it is truly wonderful and they love their Dad.
#5, she feels I am obsessed with money. Strange, we have less than $5K in the bank; it’s hard to be obsessed with that!
#6, she feels I play too rough with our kids. The strange part, they continually beg me to wrestle with them and for the most part, I am just a beating bag for them.
#7, she feels we don’t have any common interests in life. She likes the night life and I like family life. I like to plan for the future and she wants to live life to the fullest right now and not think of the future (her words – about money).
#8, she feels she should not have to answer to me (or anyone) for what she is doing, where she is going (or with who), and what time she’ll be coming home. I should just trust her! (Again, her words).
After speaking with several Priests’, family members and friends, the consensus is they all feel that I am beating myself up over these issues (which I have corrected and implemented in my daily life for the past six weeks) and they feel I have self-esteem issues, not wanting to let my wife take the blame for this selfish decision she is making.
I still have faith that she will come to her senses before she destroys everything left to rebuild, but I think it may be time to stop blaming myself. We start Retrouvaille this Friday and I have to believe that God will give us the graces necessary to help us make this work.
Anyone have anything helpful to add now knowing the whole story? Is this repairable?
May God Bless you and your families always!
Thank you for your thoughts. To help clear things up a bit, I don’t make much money but my wife & kids and I get along alright and still enjoy some of life’s perks. I don’t feel this is about money but rather she wants to be free of the responsibilities of being tied down. I believe her single (and divorced) friends are influencing her, and she admits that she feels she missed out on life and got married too young.
Looking over her Facebook page and the family camera, I’ve noticed she has cut me out of our family events for the past year, deliberately taking pictures of everyone else (her and her family) and not any with me. It’s as if I was never there, and is a lot of cases I wasn’t because I didn’t even know about the event to be included. Her family birthday parties with my kids I wasn’t even invited to (when I was out of town working). Hundreds of pictures of her outings till the early hours while the kids are at the In-Laws show her with no Ring and with lots of guys and girls drinking (she tells me she doesn’t drink). These pictures are showing me a side of my wife I knew nothing about.
To give a better understanding of our situation; first of all, none of the reasons she has told me have anything to do with her, and we have discussed all of them.
#1, (the biggest) she found some inappropriate pictures on the computer (sexy and some nude photos - not porn). I take full responsibility for my actions, have gone to confession and repented for my sins. I have made a firm resolution to never do this again; not only for my soul but also because of the devastating effect this can have on a marriage. I told my wife I am very sorry for the way this made her feel, and solemnly promised not to do it again.
#2, she feels I am jealous and controlling. Most of this is stemmed from her late night outings with guys and girls drinking. I don’t know any of these people (single guys) and am not allowed to go with her and get to know any of them. She continually lies about who, what, where and when, and will only admit she lied if she gets caught, and then it’s followed with lots of excuses.
#3, she doesn’t like the tone of my voice when I get angry with her for lying.
#4, she feels I am grumpy and overreact when the kids misbehave. I agree with this to an extent and have changed the way I talk to them. Changing my demeanor has increased my relationship with my kids, it is truly wonderful and they love their Dad.
#5, she feels I am obsessed with money. Strange, we have less than $5K in the bank; it’s hard to be obsessed with that!
#6, she feels I play too rough with our kids. The strange part, they continually beg me to wrestle with them and for the most part, I am just a beating bag for them.
#7, she feels we don’t have any common interests in life. She likes the night life and I like family life. I like to plan for the future and she wants to live life to the fullest right now and not think of the future (her words – about money).
#8, she feels she should not have to answer to me (or anyone) for what she is doing, where she is going (or with who), and what time she’ll be coming home. I should just trust her! (Again, her words).
After speaking with several Priests’, family members and friends, the consensus is they all feel that I am beating myself up over these issues (which I have corrected and implemented in my daily life for the past six weeks) and they feel I have self-esteem issues, not wanting to let my wife take the blame for this selfish decision she is making.
I still have faith that she will come to her senses before she destroys everything left to rebuild, but I think it may be time to stop blaming myself. We start Retrouvaille this Friday and I have to believe that God will give us the graces necessary to help us make this work.
Anyone have anything helpful to add now knowing the whole story? Is this repairable?
May God Bless you and your families always!
S
Serap
Guest
congratulations on #4 !!!
Being closer to your kids is so worth it. Good for you! Keep it up!
I’m not the best person to talk to right now b/c my angry side is telling me to advise you to forget her and move on and focus on loving your children.
How do we promote world peace? We go home and we love our families.
Your wife is not promoting world peace…you are. Your wife is promoting selfishness, recklessness and insenstivity to others. She is promoting a life without love for others…putting the self first.
You focus on promoting world peace with your children. Take everything, all the pain and suffering and turn it into love for your children. Attend every event and milestone that is important to them. Make up for your wife’s incompitence as a mother.
I sound mean…I’m just feeling really angry with your insensitive selfish wife.
Being closer to your kids is so worth it. Good for you! Keep it up!
I’m not the best person to talk to right now b/c my angry side is telling me to advise you to forget her and move on and focus on loving your children.
How do we promote world peace? We go home and we love our families.
Your wife is not promoting world peace…you are. Your wife is promoting selfishness, recklessness and insenstivity to others. She is promoting a life without love for others…putting the self first.
You focus on promoting world peace with your children. Take everything, all the pain and suffering and turn it into love for your children. Attend every event and milestone that is important to them. Make up for your wife’s incompitence as a mother.
I sound mean…I’m just feeling really angry with your insensitive selfish wife.
L
Leap_of_Faith_1
Guest
Hello Serap,
I am starting to feel the same way, but it is still so raw a feeling. I will do everything I can to guide her back to the right path for our family and her soul, and will never give up in the power of prayer.
My oldest boy (only 8 years old) told me last night that he feels I’m lonely and this makes him sad. He says he sees his Mom sleeping on the couch for the past 6 weeks, I told him it is because I snore and Mom can’t sleep but he doesn’t believe me. Kids aren’t blind, they know something is really wrong. My two year old prays “for Mommy and Daddy” every night. This breaks my heart but God loves the prayers of little children.
Her selfish actions are causing so much pain, not just for me but the pain she is inflicting on our four beautiful innocent little children. Why must the children suffer for parents selfishness?
I pray and feel the Blessed Mother will help us through this trial-some time and lead her heart and soul back home.
May God Bless you and your family always!
I am starting to feel the same way, but it is still so raw a feeling. I will do everything I can to guide her back to the right path for our family and her soul, and will never give up in the power of prayer.
My oldest boy (only 8 years old) told me last night that he feels I’m lonely and this makes him sad. He says he sees his Mom sleeping on the couch for the past 6 weeks, I told him it is because I snore and Mom can’t sleep but he doesn’t believe me. Kids aren’t blind, they know something is really wrong. My two year old prays “for Mommy and Daddy” every night. This breaks my heart but God loves the prayers of little children.
Her selfish actions are causing so much pain, not just for me but the pain she is inflicting on our four beautiful innocent little children. Why must the children suffer for parents selfishness?
I pray and feel the Blessed Mother will help us through this trial-some time and lead her heart and soul back home.
May God Bless you and your family always!
C
cviolette
Guest
It is sad to see the children suffering. Does you wife see how it is affecting the children? If she is not willing to change for you, maybe she will change for the little ones.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
She sounds like an adolescent. Most of those things are like a little teenager saying, “You do this” and “You do that,” and “You don’t let me do whatever I want.” What a shame that a married woman with children would end up acting like a bratty teenager.
F
faithfully
Guest
Hey there LOF!
How old are your children?
It seems its rather common around 10 years of marriage to get antsy. I have no idea why this is.
However, I wonder if your wife has felt rather tied down with childcare and such, and is feeling that as they get older, and the need for her to be RIGHT ON TOP of them isn’t as necessary, if that plus 10 years is making her seek some freedom.
Not that she’s going about it in the right fashion. I personally don’t think it’s ok to hang out with people of the opposite sex without full disclosure, as well as an invite to tag a long. MY DH is not to be a 3rd wheel among a single male friend… (granted he’s not invited to spa day with the girls either…
) And I would expect the same… You know?
OK… just reading some of your stuff… and I certainly don’t want to insinuate that her current night owl behavior is ok… but a few things I think about.
What’s her schedule been with the children since birth of #1 until now? Has she had breaks from her 24/7 job of childcare? Do you “babysit”, or do you do dad things? Is she solely responsible for the home? Or do you help out as well?
When you play with the kids and she says it’s too much… Does anyone end up in tears? Whether you mean to or not? Is it possible you get them riled up, say right before you leave for work, then leave her with a bunch of crazies that she can’t calm down?
The nudy pics… ouch… that can be a knife through the heart. Even if you’ve repented. I always think about something I once heard. Yes, you can repent and be forgiven your sin, but you still have to live with the consequences of our sin. Does she have any body image issues? That could make things worse… I wonder, has her nightime behavior been SINCE this? A little revenge maybe? See how it feels to not be in the #1 spot? Not saying this is a mature thing to do… but I can imagine acting out when you feel betrayed. I can see wanting to make you feel the pain you caused. I think that’s human nature… ICK! I know!
Re the $$ issues. I don’t think it’s strange that a person would be obsessed with $$ with only 5k in the bank. 'Cause sadly, that’s not a lot now adays. WHAT IF there is a big emergency… will you have enough. I think this is normal. Do you think you have normal saving/spending habits… would your closest friends call you frugal or tight? Does she having wild spending habits? Has she been in charge of any of the budget? By choice or command?
It sounds as though somehow, somewhere she has lost respect for you and your marriage. Although, I’m the type that wouldn’t go for being told what to do… there are certain common curtesies. Your spouse should know where you are, who you are with etc… and that shouldn’t even be a big deal. Not in some tracking sort of way… but just matter of fact.
Do you think your wife has always been like this, and your eyes are newly opened? Or is this a change… is her behavior something new? If so? Any idea when this turning point was? Any insight from her?
Another said she’s acting like a child… and I would say… A child that has not been allowed to make decisions about much of anything within their life. The children that rebel severely, and this is just in my experience, are the ones who can’t do anything. They can’t date, they can’t wear make-up. They aren’t allowed even one “cool” pair of jeans. They can’t choose an instrument, their parents choose it for them. They are not given the opportunity to make decisions… and when they find a window of opportunity, they tend to make the decisions that appeal to their desire… they don’t make good ones, because they haven’t learned how to do so… zero practice.
Any chance she went straight from living with mom and dad, to married to you?
These are just thoughts, and could be totally off base… so disregard if they are…
I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling… Keep praying. Realize the Lord always answers our prayers. Sometimes, not in the way we expect!
How old are your children?
It seems its rather common around 10 years of marriage to get antsy. I have no idea why this is.
However, I wonder if your wife has felt rather tied down with childcare and such, and is feeling that as they get older, and the need for her to be RIGHT ON TOP of them isn’t as necessary, if that plus 10 years is making her seek some freedom.
Not that she’s going about it in the right fashion. I personally don’t think it’s ok to hang out with people of the opposite sex without full disclosure, as well as an invite to tag a long. MY DH is not to be a 3rd wheel among a single male friend… (granted he’s not invited to spa day with the girls either…
) And I would expect the same… You know?OK… just reading some of your stuff… and I certainly don’t want to insinuate that her current night owl behavior is ok… but a few things I think about.
What’s her schedule been with the children since birth of #1 until now? Has she had breaks from her 24/7 job of childcare? Do you “babysit”, or do you do dad things? Is she solely responsible for the home? Or do you help out as well?
When you play with the kids and she says it’s too much… Does anyone end up in tears? Whether you mean to or not? Is it possible you get them riled up, say right before you leave for work, then leave her with a bunch of crazies that she can’t calm down?
The nudy pics… ouch… that can be a knife through the heart. Even if you’ve repented. I always think about something I once heard. Yes, you can repent and be forgiven your sin, but you still have to live with the consequences of our sin. Does she have any body image issues? That could make things worse… I wonder, has her nightime behavior been SINCE this? A little revenge maybe? See how it feels to not be in the #1 spot? Not saying this is a mature thing to do… but I can imagine acting out when you feel betrayed. I can see wanting to make you feel the pain you caused. I think that’s human nature… ICK! I know!
Re the $$ issues. I don’t think it’s strange that a person would be obsessed with $$ with only 5k in the bank. 'Cause sadly, that’s not a lot now adays. WHAT IF there is a big emergency… will you have enough. I think this is normal. Do you think you have normal saving/spending habits… would your closest friends call you frugal or tight? Does she having wild spending habits? Has she been in charge of any of the budget? By choice or command?
It sounds as though somehow, somewhere she has lost respect for you and your marriage. Although, I’m the type that wouldn’t go for being told what to do… there are certain common curtesies. Your spouse should know where you are, who you are with etc… and that shouldn’t even be a big deal. Not in some tracking sort of way… but just matter of fact.
Do you think your wife has always been like this, and your eyes are newly opened? Or is this a change… is her behavior something new? If so? Any idea when this turning point was? Any insight from her?
Another said she’s acting like a child… and I would say… A child that has not been allowed to make decisions about much of anything within their life. The children that rebel severely, and this is just in my experience, are the ones who can’t do anything. They can’t date, they can’t wear make-up. They aren’t allowed even one “cool” pair of jeans. They can’t choose an instrument, their parents choose it for them. They are not given the opportunity to make decisions… and when they find a window of opportunity, they tend to make the decisions that appeal to their desire… they don’t make good ones, because they haven’t learned how to do so… zero practice.
Any chance she went straight from living with mom and dad, to married to you?
These are just thoughts, and could be totally off base… so disregard if they are…
I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling… Keep praying. Realize the Lord always answers our prayers. Sometimes, not in the way we expect!
C
cviolette
Guest
Not saying this is the case with the OP but I have noticed that some woman with very controlling husbands eventually start acting like teenagers.
Unfortunately, myself included. I am treated like a child and revert to some of my teenage behavior. Not right and I try to stop it when I notice it.
S
Serap
Guest
Good point. I do this too.
F
faithfully
Guest
And well, doesn’t that make sense? Treat a person like a child, they act like a child?
And when you get child like behavior from a person… I think you need to look at why they act like that. Either they’ve ALWAYS acted like that, and for some reason this was ideal? I’ve met plenty of women who just don’t do anything for themselves. Their spouse is the savior. Without the spouse, this person couldn’t get bills paid, get out of bed, pick out their own clothing etc… Many men enjoy this kind of need, they like to be needed. But there seems to be a blur between parenting an adult and being “the man” in the family. They want to be in charge and take control. Which is fine if it always stays that way… And often, this woman eventually matures (Perhaps not well)… but enough so they are ready to leave the nest. Only the nest has a spouse, not an actual parent. OR they are in a situation that makes them act that way. I imagine there are some “in between” reasons? And I imagine the rolls are reversed from time to time… Men that want their wives to mother them, and women thrilled to do so.
Seriously, the way this women is described I sort of expect foot stamping, arms crossed, with a quick turn, out the door and a HUGE slam… all while shouting “your not the boss of me”. I mean, is this woman not competent enough to have and care for children? Surely this behavior is NEW, what man continues to have children with someone so dangerous to the upbringing of their children?
And so, OP, I really think you need to get down to the core of things. Whether they have anything to do with my ponderings. It sounds like new behavior… SOMETHING started this. Has she not told you anything? It seems we women can hold a grudge much longer than your average guy. And I kind of doubt she’s a fair “fighter”… seems like you should have had some things hurled at you more than once… nothing comes to mind? Has she QUIT telling you? Can you reflect on arguments gone by? Perhaps she just gave up? Just that she wants freedom? What in YOUR mind might have she interpreted to Lack of freedom…
And when you get child like behavior from a person… I think you need to look at why they act like that. Either they’ve ALWAYS acted like that, and for some reason this was ideal? I’ve met plenty of women who just don’t do anything for themselves. Their spouse is the savior. Without the spouse, this person couldn’t get bills paid, get out of bed, pick out their own clothing etc… Many men enjoy this kind of need, they like to be needed. But there seems to be a blur between parenting an adult and being “the man” in the family. They want to be in charge and take control. Which is fine if it always stays that way… And often, this woman eventually matures (Perhaps not well)… but enough so they are ready to leave the nest. Only the nest has a spouse, not an actual parent. OR they are in a situation that makes them act that way. I imagine there are some “in between” reasons? And I imagine the rolls are reversed from time to time… Men that want their wives to mother them, and women thrilled to do so.
Seriously, the way this women is described I sort of expect foot stamping, arms crossed, with a quick turn, out the door and a HUGE slam… all while shouting “your not the boss of me”. I mean, is this woman not competent enough to have and care for children? Surely this behavior is NEW, what man continues to have children with someone so dangerous to the upbringing of their children?
And so, OP, I really think you need to get down to the core of things. Whether they have anything to do with my ponderings. It sounds like new behavior… SOMETHING started this. Has she not told you anything? It seems we women can hold a grudge much longer than your average guy. And I kind of doubt she’s a fair “fighter”… seems like you should have had some things hurled at you more than once… nothing comes to mind? Has she QUIT telling you? Can you reflect on arguments gone by? Perhaps she just gave up? Just that she wants freedom? What in YOUR mind might have she interpreted to Lack of freedom…
L
Leap_of_Faith_1
Guest
Hello Faithfully,
Wow…you hit the nail on the head more then once on your past post.
How old are your children? …2,4,6 & 8
What’s her schedule been with the children since birth of #1 until now? …Stay at home Mom and does Home Schooling
Has she had breaks from her 24/7 job of childcare? Do you “babysit”, or do you do dad things? Is she solely responsible for the home? Or do you help out as well?…She goes out with friends to the coast for weekends, recently went to Vegas & the late night outings are a given. She takes care of most of the inside chores (I help out when possible) & I take care of the outside chores, auto maintenance etc.
When you play with the kids and she says it’s too much… Does anyone end up in tears?…Sometimes, yes! I know there is a fine line and I try to keep a close eye on it before it gets to that stage.
Is it possible you get them riled up, say right before you leave for work, then leave her with a bunch of crazies that she can’t calm down?…No
The nudy pics… ouch… that can be a knife through the heart. Even if you’ve repented. I always think about something I once heard. Yes, you can repent and be forgiven your sin, but you still have to live with the consequences of our sin. Does she have any body image issues?…No different than any normal girl. She is slender, average build and very pretty.
I wonder, has her nightime behavior been SINCE this?…No, the late night outings started in year #5, the pictures are only a year old.
Re the $$ issues. I don’t think it’s strange that a person would be obsessed with $$ with only 5k in the bank. 'Cause sadly, that’s not a lot now adays. WHAT IF there is a big emergency… will you have enough. I think this is normal. Do you think you have normal saving/spending habits… would your closest friends call you frugal or tight?…I am frugal but enjoy splurging from time to time provided we are saving money.
Does she having wild spending habits? Has she been in charge of any of the budget? By choice or command?…My wife has an impulse to purchase a bunch of inexpensive stuff on sale, the problem is they always ad up to more than we can afford. Because of her money habits, we never had any money at the end of the year (and typically were in the hole). My folks came to the rescue more than once over the past 10 years to bail us out. She has been in complete control of the budget (by choice) until the past year when I went on commission. Now I have the bulk of the paycheck coming to my personal account, and I give her the budget money (we both agreed on the budget) and some spending money but I keep the high month commission money to cover the low month commissions so we can pay the bills. This is the reason we now have $5K in our account for the first time in 10 years.
It sounds as though somehow, somewhere she has lost respect for you and your marriage. Although, I’m the type that wouldn’t go for being told what to do… there are certain common curtesies. Your spouse should know where you are, who you are with etc… and that shouldn’t even be a big deal. Not in some tracking sort of way… but just matter of fact**. …I always let my wife knows where I am, and always have my cell on me. She has her cell on her always but never answers it when I call (she never misses a friends call), and she feels that I should just trust her judgement on her outings and asking her question is treating her like a child. I feel it is just respectful to keep your spouse informed.**
Do you think your wife has always been like this, and your eyes are newly opened? Or is this a change… is her behavior something new? If so? Any idea when this turning point was? Any insight from her?**…She started this behavior about 5 years ago and when I questioned it, I was told that this is the real her…sorry I didn’t disclose it before we were married but if you want me to be happy you’ll let me do this. **
Any chance she went straight from living with mom and dad, to married to you? …yes.
**I’m interested in what you have to say about my replies! You seem insightful in many ways, and give me a lot to think about.
God Bless and Thank you for the prayers.**
Wow…you hit the nail on the head more then once on your past post.
How old are your children? …2,4,6 & 8
What’s her schedule been with the children since birth of #1 until now? …Stay at home Mom and does Home Schooling
Has she had breaks from her 24/7 job of childcare? Do you “babysit”, or do you do dad things? Is she solely responsible for the home? Or do you help out as well?…She goes out with friends to the coast for weekends, recently went to Vegas & the late night outings are a given. She takes care of most of the inside chores (I help out when possible) & I take care of the outside chores, auto maintenance etc.
When you play with the kids and she says it’s too much… Does anyone end up in tears?…Sometimes, yes! I know there is a fine line and I try to keep a close eye on it before it gets to that stage.
Is it possible you get them riled up, say right before you leave for work, then leave her with a bunch of crazies that she can’t calm down?…No
The nudy pics… ouch… that can be a knife through the heart. Even if you’ve repented. I always think about something I once heard. Yes, you can repent and be forgiven your sin, but you still have to live with the consequences of our sin. Does she have any body image issues?…No different than any normal girl. She is slender, average build and very pretty.
I wonder, has her nightime behavior been SINCE this?…No, the late night outings started in year #5, the pictures are only a year old.
Re the $$ issues. I don’t think it’s strange that a person would be obsessed with $$ with only 5k in the bank. 'Cause sadly, that’s not a lot now adays. WHAT IF there is a big emergency… will you have enough. I think this is normal. Do you think you have normal saving/spending habits… would your closest friends call you frugal or tight?…I am frugal but enjoy splurging from time to time provided we are saving money.
Does she having wild spending habits? Has she been in charge of any of the budget? By choice or command?…My wife has an impulse to purchase a bunch of inexpensive stuff on sale, the problem is they always ad up to more than we can afford. Because of her money habits, we never had any money at the end of the year (and typically were in the hole). My folks came to the rescue more than once over the past 10 years to bail us out. She has been in complete control of the budget (by choice) until the past year when I went on commission. Now I have the bulk of the paycheck coming to my personal account, and I give her the budget money (we both agreed on the budget) and some spending money but I keep the high month commission money to cover the low month commissions so we can pay the bills. This is the reason we now have $5K in our account for the first time in 10 years.
It sounds as though somehow, somewhere she has lost respect for you and your marriage. Although, I’m the type that wouldn’t go for being told what to do… there are certain common curtesies. Your spouse should know where you are, who you are with etc… and that shouldn’t even be a big deal. Not in some tracking sort of way… but just matter of fact**. …I always let my wife knows where I am, and always have my cell on me. She has her cell on her always but never answers it when I call (she never misses a friends call), and she feels that I should just trust her judgement on her outings and asking her question is treating her like a child. I feel it is just respectful to keep your spouse informed.**
Do you think your wife has always been like this, and your eyes are newly opened? Or is this a change… is her behavior something new? If so? Any idea when this turning point was? Any insight from her?**…She started this behavior about 5 years ago and when I questioned it, I was told that this is the real her…sorry I didn’t disclose it before we were married but if you want me to be happy you’ll let me do this. **
Any chance she went straight from living with mom and dad, to married to you? …yes.
**I’m interested in what you have to say about my replies! You seem insightful in many ways, and give me a lot to think about.
God Bless and Thank you for the prayers.**
- Status