How do you KNOW for certain that God exists? Something inside you? A feeling? An emotion? Some kind of energy? Different for everyone?
It’s a bit of everything for me. I grew up Catholic, but in my first few years of college, I began to doubt a lot (while curiously still going to Mass every Sunday). I thought the Bible was just some book, the Church was just a man-mad institution, and Jesus was just a man.
Along with this, I really felt worse and worse, too. I described it in my journal once as though I could literally feel chains wrapped around my heart. It was weighing me down. I felt enslaved. But I just couldn’t believe, even though I really wanted to. I just didn’t make sense to me.
The first major step for me was going on a retreat. I felt a little awkward and uncomfortable at first, but slowly started enjoying it. Then, there was part of the retreat where it hit me like a ton of bricks that these people loved God and because of that, they loved me. And then I realized that God loved me. It was moving and definitely an emotional experience.
But that didn’t seal the deal. I still had my same doubts as before. But there was an opening to God now that wasn’t there before. I started hanging around with these other Catholics. They, like me, were University students. Many of them were smart, intelligent people. And yet, they still believed all this Catholic stuff. That, too, gave me pause and got me thinking. If these otherwise smart people can believe, maybe there is something I’m missing.
That, and their joy. Joy attracts, and I wanted what they had.
A few months passed and I found myself on team for the next retreat. At this point, I still couldn’t bring myself to believe. I went over to one of my new friend’s rooms and he asked if we could pray together. I said okay, and then let him do all the talking. I walked away feeling like a hypocrite, and wanting very much to believe.
I wandered over to the Catholic chapel on campus. It was night time and the place was dark except for the light shining on the tabernacle. I went up and sat on the floor before the tabernacle, not really sure what I was doing or hoping for. Then it hit me. This overwhelming sense of Presence. Even though I was the only one in the Church, I knew deep in my bones that I was not alone. Jesus was there with me. And He was right before me in the tabernacle. It wasn’t an emotional experience
per se. I just became convinced and convicted that Jesus really was God, He was really there, and He really loved me.
Still, that wasn’t the end. I still walked away with all my same old questions. But, whereas before, I thought the questions were unanswerable, now I believed they had answers, I just simply hadn’t discovered them yet. Eventually, I came across Peter Kreeft’s book “Yes or No? Straight Answers to Tough Questions about Christianity.” It literally felt like Peter Kreeft had read my mind as he one by one asked and answered every single question I had in a way that made sense of everything.
[continued next post]