Need dating advice please

  • Thread starter Thread starter FanofB16
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
F

FanofB16

Guest
So, I have been out with a beautiful Christian girl on 3 dates now and I thought it was all going really well - you know the usual things, a lot in common, laugh a lot together, talk a lot etc.

I thought everything was going ok until she told me that at the moment she only sees me as a good friend. She also said though that could develop into more over time.

She told me she enjoys spending time with me and she has asked me to go for lunch next week.

I feel really sad at this because I thought we both seemed to be enjoying each others company and she has even asked me for lunch next week, yet I get the classic “just friends, thanks”.

I am a very impulsive person and my instinct is to think that I should just stop seeing her all together so that I will not get hurt further, or do I continue to see her in the hope that she will like me in a romantic kind of way.

So:

What do you think?

What would you do in my situation?

As always, it would be great to have a woman’s perspective?
 
As a woman, I would suggest giving her time. Three dates is not long enough for anyone to make a serious decision about a relationship. It sounds like she is open to the possibility of something more serious, so she didn’t “dump” you. I think you should just not worry and continue being friends with her, spending time with her, and let it ride for a while.
 
She said the “F” word…

“Good Friend” = death to a further relationship.
OR
“Good Friend” = subtract 1 “o”, = “God Friend”

Give it time, but it sounds like she’s made up her mind.
 
If she’s worth waiting for, stay with her, continue being her friend, but don’t push her. It doesn’t sound like she’s not worth it, anyway… She’s probably seen/had other bad ‘relationships’, between her friends or herself, and doesn’t want to ruin yours. Relax, and let God take care of things. He knows what He’s doing. 🙂
 
I’m curious just what you would prefer this “beautiful Christian girl” think of you after only three dates?!?

If she thought you were her soulmate and was talking marriage and kids you (and any other reasonable soul) would think she was a nut. Take a deep breath and enjoy the process of getting to know her instead of fretting over your “status” after a few dates. Whatever happened to dating
s l o w l y and letting two individuals open up to each other and build a relationship? Don’t forget, if she didn’t consider you a friend, how could she even consider a more meaningful relationship?!
 
Island Oak;1753796 Don’t forget said:
Beautifully put.
Continue to be friends with her.
Later, if your feelings grow warmer, court her.
You can’t know what she’s really like in three dates. (It might turn out that she snores, or slurps her soup, or does something else you couldn’t live with.) She might be great as a friend, but not marriage material. And in that case, she might have a cousin who is your dream woman, but who you’ll never meet if you don’t stay friends.
Click to expand...
 
Leave it be. I wouldn’t continue to think of being anything further than her friend. You could stay around, don’t get too close. You’ll be thinking things that she won’t, and you’ll spending a lot of time hoping for things that probably won’t materialize. Thats not to say they won’t, but for one, I think your chances are better if you play it a bit cool. For two, you might be missing the one actually called for you. That’s not for me to know, and probably not for you to know right now either.
 
since it is the lady who sets the tone and parameters of a relationship, you might consider being what she asks, a good friend. More than one friendship has developed into romance over time. Every romance should begin with friendship. Jumping into romance mode too early just leads to disaster, and misses that period of early growth in knowing each other (as OP describes, just enjoying each other’s company).
 
hmm, i don’t know. as a woman, when i tell guys that i’d like to be just friends, that’s pretty much what i mean. yes, it’s only been 3 dates, but usually you can tell if there’s a “spark” or not.

if you think you can handle just hanging out as friends, then hang out as friends. but, i am like you; i would rather avoid getting my hopes up and getting hurt. i have been in a few situations with guys that have considered me a “friend”, while i continued to hope for more. in my opinion, i don’t think your situation will turn into more than a friend, but i could be wrong!
 
The more I think about, if she actually said, “just friends,” I’d really start to keep my distance. If she says I think your a very good friend that would be different, but “just friends” is a bit too cliche and seems a bit more like code. If your better than me and can turn feelings out like a light switch, then by all means straight ahead with friends. But now, if your intentions are still wanting to date/court, do not go ahead, your only going to get yourself hurt, and probably put chances of actually courting her into the trash.

She’ll be happy with a friendship, while you on the otherhand will feel like a knife is going through your heart, and everytime she says hello a bit too sweetly it’s going to twist a bit more. If thats the case you are not honoring her your yourself. For me, I’d rather be nice and friendly if we cross paths, but not to make any real effort to go out and contact her. If you can step back and give yourself time to cool down, and see her as a friend get more into regular contact.

I might even tell her what I am doing exactly. Who knows you put the relationship in a crisis situation, and she might change her feelings, if she worries what she might lose. You sound like a great guy, and I’m sure we are all pulling for you, but I don’t really what to see you put yourself through all the pain of keeping your intentions of courting her, while she wants it only to be just friends.
 
I have waited for someone’s “just friend” statement to change, and been really hurt by it. I would take “just friends” seriously. Three dates is enough for me to know if I want to pursue something.

Kendy
 
Sorry to say, I have used the “Just Friends” excuse. Women use it as a gentle breakup tactic. On the flip side it does mean she cares for you, if she didnt she might just avoid your phone calls until you got the hint. I would keep the relationship casual, you dont want her to take advantage of the situation. She has the upper hand in this relationship.
 
FanofB16 said:
So, I have been out with a beautiful Christian girl on 3 dates now and I thought it was all going really well - you know the usual things, a lot in common, laugh a lot together, talk a lot etc.

That’s a great start. But I have a few questions…

Who initiated the dates?
Are you sure they were dates and not just friends getting together? If so, why are you sure?

I thought everything was going ok until she told me that at the moment she only sees me as a good friend. She also said though that could develop into more over time.

How did this come up in conversation? Did you do anything at all that could have made her feel any sort of pressure to be “romantic”?

She told me she enjoys spending time with me and she has asked me to go for lunch next week.

Now, would that be as a “date” or as “just really good friends”?

I feel really sad at this because I thought we both seemed to be enjoying each others company and she has even asked me for lunch next week, yet I get the classic “just friends, thanks”.

Without knowing you or her, it is very hard to know what’s really going on. Don’t make any snap decisions until you have some time to think about it some more.

I am a very impulsive person and my instinct is to think that I should just stop seeing her all together so that I will not get hurt further, or do I continue to see her in the hope that she will like me in a romantic kind of way.

It really depends on so much more than you can share here. But, i’ll give you some food for thought…
You admit to being impulsive. To me that means you may rush things a bit and maybe made her uncomfortable. If that is the case, then I suggest you try being “just friends” for now and let things develop more slowly.
I personally would have an open, honest discussion with her if I were you. Let her know that you are the type of person who hopes to marry one day and have a family (if that is who you are) and you take dating seriously because you are hoping to find your future spouse.
** Let her know that you feel that you would love to pursue a relationship with her for all of the reasons you listed (laugh together, things in common etc) and see if it develops into something special.**
The only way any type of relationship can work is if both people are honest about who they are and what they want (to themselves and to eachother).
If she isn’t looking for a serious relationship right now or in’t interested in you that way, politely tell her that you need to move on and that you would find it too painful to be “just friends” when you like her romantically.
Malia

So:

What do you think?

What would you do in my situation?

As always, it would be great to have a woman’s perspective?
Click to expand...
 
I pretty much second everything Malia (Feanaro’s Wife) says.

“Just friends” could be a way to let you down easily but it might also be that your impulsiveness is scaring her a bit.

When I first met my husband he was a bit too eager for me. There were also two other young men who were interested in me. At the time I was busy with college and had no interest in a serious relationship. Eventually I decided he was the one for me.

Now you have to decide if you want to pursue her further. My suggestion is to stick around but tone it down a notch. If she really likes you that may intrigue her.
 
Thanks for all your thoughts so far. I am very grateful.

I’ve no one to ask for advice, so your advice helps me to put things into perspective.

I thought some more detail might help things here.

We are both Christians in our late 20s. She has never had a boyfriend before and I have never had a girlfriend before.

We have been out together 3 times in 6 weeks - to coffee, to lunch and to the cinema. So we are meeting on average once every 2 weeks and we are meeting for a brief lunch next week.

My lady friend has told me the following:
  1. She really enjoys spending time with me.
  2. Thinks we have a lot in common, and connect well when we talk.
  3. We are into the same kinds of things.
  4. She has told me I am a very genuine, decent, generous
    man.
  5. At the moment, has deep friendly affection for me, which could grow over time. She has told me that “deep friendly affection for me” is as far as it goes right now for her, but that could develop over time for her.
  6. Apart from a few dates she has never really gone out with anyone before and the whole idea of scares her, so she would like to take things really slowly and see what happens.
  7. She finished her last email with xo (The first time she had done that).
I had thought of saying to her:

“I agree 100% with taking things very slowly. My suggestion would be to continue to meet as friends, as brothers and sisters in Christ, and see if anything develops over time”.

Your thoughts?

Your suggestions?
 
The same as my earlier post. Take it easy. If this is all new to the both of you, then you need to take it easy and develop a friendship FIRST before you move on to a more serious relationship. Just don’t rush her, because that may scare her away.
 
I’d take it with some skeptisim that she’s really looking for a relationship, and keep your eyes and ears open for someone else. Keep seeing her at her pace, and just be your friendly self. Really, thats just a ploy to keep your from getting your thoughts ahead of yourself.

The situation looks promising. If it was me, I’d probably be like let’s get the show on the road, I’ll start with planning out the wedding invations. That’s a recipe for disaster, so I’d rather do my best job of acting like I don’t care. Once I have an idea in my head, give me an inch I’ll take it a mile. I know well enough, how that can get me in trouble. I don’t know, but I’d think you might be able to relate a bit to that for this situation.
 
Thanks for your replies.🙂

I’m actually much more positive now.

I think I almost completely misread the email from her!

To summarise, it seems to me what she is saying is that we should both take things very slowly.

She feels affection for me at this stage, which could grow over time. (It would be worrying, would it not, after seeing someone 3 times, they declared their love for you!)

I do know that she is marriage-minded and is definitely looking for a relationship, but I think that like me, because she has not had a relationship before, she is very cautious.
The situation looks promising. If it was me, I’d probably be like let’s get the show on the road, I’ll start with planning out the wedding invations. That’s a recipe for disaster, so I’d rather do my best job of acting like I don’t care. Once I have an idea in my head, give me an inch I’ll take it a mile. I know well enough, how that can get me in trouble. I don’t know, but I’d think you might be able to relate a bit to that for this situation.>>>
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
I can definitely relate to this.

Does anyone have any advice then on how to take things slowly?

What does it mean to take things very slowly at the beginning of a relationship?

Please help, because I have no idea 🙂
 
So good to hear you two are understanding each other!

To go slowly is to relax! It’s as simple as that. To let things just be, to enjoy whatever time you have together, to treasure whatever sweet moments come your way. To find many moments for silent prayer and thanksgiving to God. To not push anything. To not be worried about what’s the ‘right’ way to go about things. The only right way is to be chaste, no matter whether you’re just friends or something more, but it seems to me you two are well on your way to that ‘something more’! Take the time to really get to know one another. It’s completely understandable that she’s scared; who isn’t a bit afraid of the unknown? Be truthful with one another. Love each other as brother and sister in Christ first.

Above all, PRAY! If you’re not sure about whether you should do this, that, or another thing, PRAY about it! Invite God into your relationship, where ever it may lead. Enjoy being with this new person in your life, whether she is ment to simply be a really good friend, or something much more than that. Let God guide you with His plan.
 
If you think she would someday like to marry a man who is a strong Christian, then work on developing those traits. Hold her hand and say spontaneous prayers together (don’t get too gushy in prayer about how much you care for her, that might scare her).

Talk together about spiritual things, share your faith. Let her know that you are, first of all, a companion in Christ.

There is a terrible shortage of devout Christian men who are available for marriage. When she sees this spiritual strength in you, I think she will be drawn emotionally closer to you.

I went through a lot of anguish just like this when dating my wife before we were married. This stuff HURTS! I know how you feel. BTW, we’re about to celebrate our 27th anniversary. And, it was our shared faith that convinced her to marry me.

I’ll say some prayers for you and her. - Rob in Oregon
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top