Need dating advice please

[Norseman82]

but I think that like me, because she has not had a relationship before, she is very cautious.

I think you just answered many of your own questions.

Does anyone have any advice then on how to take things slowly?

What does it mean to take things very slowly at the beginning of a relationship?

Please help, because I have no idea

I think the main thing is to not get too emotionally attached to or dependent on her. Only get as emotionally attached as she does. Don’t spend 100% of your time together. Know each others’ expectations and “timelines”. And watch the physical forms of affection. That way if she finds someone else, you won’t be as “crushed” and you two can part on good terms.

It’s interesting that you post this, because I’m kind of on the opposite side of this: I’ve been out with one girl a few times, and because of our ages we’re obviously serious about getting married, but she felt we didn’t have anything in common.

 

[stbruno]

I think from my own personal experience, and also years of doing marriage prep, that the best relationships are relationships that begin with friendship…not sexual tension or attraction only in physical sparks.

I don’t know how old you and your companion, but I would say, go slow. Love will happen if it is meant to be…be yourself, be respectful and perhaps even consider getting a book or two on relationships. My own personal favorite include…I kissed Dating Goodbye and also the New book out on Theology of the Body for Young People…amazing insights totally not endorsed by the secular lifestyles most people equate with the dating process…but I think will prove are the best for long term solid caring relationships!

Be patient, pray to the Lord for wisdom to understand why relationships are best when they are not rushed or too much of burden is placed on one or the other to make the relationship work. God bless you!

 

[shirleytowers]

Many times a girl is pressured early on to have sex. The just friends thing might mean don’t pressure me for sex.

Or it might mean she is not physically attracted to you. Just because she isn’t attracted to you now doesn’t mean she won’t be after she gets to know you better. It happens all the time.

I would agree with the advice to hang in there. Get to know her better, and let her know you.

She might turn out not to be for you after you get to know her-- and then you won’t feel as bad about all of it. If you are right for each other, it will happen.

On the other hand, she may have a sister or friend who do like you. Don’t burn those bridges. Good luck.

 

[FanofB16]

Thanks for all your replies.

They are all very helpful. May God bless you all.

Just one more question which I would like your thoughts on:

We have seen each other 3 times (4th this week) over 8 weeks now and to keep in contact we have emailed each other every so often.

Over the last 2 months we have emailed each other a lot.

In her last email, my lady friend finished the email signing her name and putting an “xo” beside it. This is the first time she has ever put “xo” and I was wondering what should I take from this?

I’m really intrigued by this “xo”.

 

[lotusblossom]

Thanks for all your replies.

They are all very helpful. May God bless you all.

Just one more question which I would like your thoughts on:

We have seen each other 3 times (4th this week) over 8 weeks now and to keep in contact we have emailed each other every so often.

Over the last 2 months we have emailed each other a lot.

In her last email, my lady friend finished the email signing her name and putting an “xo” beside it. This is the first time she has ever put “xo” and I was wondering what should I take from this?

I’m really intrigued by this “xo”.

Coming from a woman…

If this is the first time she’s done this, I would take it as an “I like you more than a friend.” But that’s just me. If she’s said she just wants to be friends before, maybe this is a hint that she’s no longer just wanting to be friends. As my mom always says, “Subtle ways are best…” and a woman tends to try to be subtle and give hints rather than just coming forward and saying, “I’ve changed my mind and I like you a lot more now” or “My feelings have grown.” Maybe you should try talking to her about this or let it just grow .

 

[jman507]

Thanks for all your replies.

They are all very helpful. May God bless you all.

Just one more question which I would like your thoughts on:

We have seen each other 3 times (4th this week) over 8 weeks now and to keep in contact we have emailed each other every so often.

Over the last 2 months we have emailed each other a lot.

In her last email, my lady friend finished the email signing her name and putting an “xo” beside it. This is the first time she has ever put “xo” and I was wondering what should I take from this?

I’m really intrigued by this “xo”.

I cannot tell you what it means, but it sounds like a good sign to me.

Try to not let you thoughts get ahead of you. Ok that will happen, just don’t let it happen too often. Your both old enough, where it doesn’t seem like there is anything that is going to keep you waiting too long, other than the main just getting to know you. Take your time, just take one step at a time, soon enough if things work out, you’ll be in over your head.

Eventually try making some time together with going to Mass, praying, and adoration. Yes, yes, can’t forget that third one of the relationship.

It sounds like things are going well enough, don’t worry about it. Make the best use of your time communicating getting to know each other, if things are to work out, the speed won’t matter.

 

[Christ0pher]

3 dates?

Too soon to tell, bro.

My advice is:

1. Be normal (or yourself [whichever is closest]).
2. Don’t flip out over the ‘just friends’ thing. If she really wants to be friends, then be a friend. If being a friend turns out to be weird or creepy, then she wasn’t being honest and doesn’t really like you anyway (or you’re being weird or creepy).
3. If she’s just scared, be a true friend. Even husbands and wives are best friends first.

Chris

 

[CRW]

Thanks for your replies.

I’m actually much more positive now.

I think I almost completely misread the email from her!

To summarise, it seems to me what she is saying is that we should both take things very slowly.

She feels affection for me at this stage, which could grow over time. (It would be worrying, would it not, after seeing someone 3 times, they declared their love for you!)

I do know that she is marriage-minded and is definitely looking for a relationship, but I think that like me, because she has not had a relationship before, she is very cautious.

The situation looks promising. If it was me, I’d probably be like let’s get the show on the road, I’ll start with planning out the wedding invations. That’s a recipe for disaster, so I’d rather do my best job of acting like I don’t care. Once I have an idea in my head, give me an inch I’ll take it a mile. I know well enough, how that can get me in trouble. I don’t know, but I’d think you might be able to relate a bit to that for this situation.>>>

Does your Church have a Young Adult group? Do you attend? It is a way to participate in many wonderful support functions together without pressure, you are with a group of young Adults your age. Do you attend the same Mass? Adoration? Allow our Lord to guide you and her. If our Lord blesses this union, you will have no problems. God Blessings.

 

[Jay2]

3 dates & a bunch of emails… hmmm

Like I said before, she dropped the “Friend” bomb, but things seem to be looking up.

I was in “competition” with 2 other suitors for the woman who eventually became my wife. We dated for nearly a year. I was hooked after our 2nd date - It took her considerably longer (my 1st impression/when I asked her out cost me months) to decide I a nice guy.

Don’t push it, enjoy eachother’s company, and have fun together. See what happens.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

…
In her last email, my lady friend finished the email signing her name and putting an “xo” beside it. This is the first time she has ever put “xo” and I was wondering what should I take from this?

I’m really intrigued by this “xo”.

You could ask her…
I’ve always found that outside advice for relationships, unless it’s coming from someone who knows you both really well, is only good if it’s sort of abstract, like the general tips we’ve all been giving you on this thread. The ‘xo’ could be different things for different people. ^^

 

[AnnaTherese]

So, I have been out with a beautiful Christian girl on 3 dates now and I thought it was all going really well - you know the usual things, a lot in common, laugh a lot together, talk a lot etc.

I thought everything was going ok until she told me that at the moment she only sees me as a good friend. She also said though that could develop into more over time.

She told me she enjoys spending time with me and she has asked me to go for lunch next week.

I feel really sad at this because I thought we both seemed to be enjoying each others company and she has even asked me for lunch next week, yet I get the classic “just friends, thanks”.

I am a very impulsive person and my instinct is to think that I should just stop seeing her all together so that I will not get hurt further, or do I continue to see her in the hope that she will like me in a romantic kind of way.

So:

What do you think?

What would you do in my situation?

As always, it would be great to have a woman’s perspective?

Keep her! It sounds like she is a really honest person trying to do the right thing. There aren’t a surplus of those out there, so hang on to her. And the truth is, if you spend more time together, you probably will develop that relationship together. If you cut it off, you won’t. I would also suggest you spend lots of time with her family and your family. Because if you marry you will be marrying into a family. You need the opportunity to watch her interact with them and to see how they respond to her and to you. If she has some faults, see if they are things she is open to working on, or if she is set in her ways. Take a long hard look at any of your own faults and work on them. Taking it slow just means not acting like you’re married or engaged when you’re not. See her regularly and learn more about her. That’s what dating is for.

 

[pira114]

Why don’t you just be her friend?

Why should you expect anything from her?

You assume much. You would do well not to think too much.

 

[hlmem]

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. But the best thing to do is from now on treat her as a friend and meet other nice girls you have stuff in common with. No reason not to have LOTS of female friends right?

The reason she said she sees you as a friend - is a lot of woman from 13 years of age to late 20’s need to see some sort of progression in a relationship. Even after 3 dates

Basically over this whole time you have interests in common and have fun but you have not defined yourself as more than a friend. Interests and having fun together are things just friends do ,But what steps have you shown to make it more like a real relationship.

Girls can be interested in a guy for a very short while, and they lose interest if the guy does not make some sort of move, either physical or emotional.

My advice is 2 things. One, space yourself from her so she starts to miss you a little, and yearn for your personality again. Two, get deeper on an emotional level. Talk about your fears and hers, and talk about stuff she might be even be to scared to tell her friends.

Only then will she see you as even more special than a just a friend.

Best of luck.

 

[ack]

Hmm, the previous poster thinks that the woman lost interest in the OP because the OP wasn’t moving fast enough. In contrast, many on this thread are telling the OP that he’s moving too fast.

Oh women of CAF…your wisdom is coveted by men everywhere…can you comment on this?

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. But the best thing to do is from now on treat her as a friend and meet other nice girls you have stuff in common with. No reason not to have LOTS of female friends right?

The reason she said she sees you as a friend - is a lot of woman from 13 years of age to late 20’s need to see some sort of progression in a relationship. Even after 3 dates

Basically over this whole time you have interests in common and have fun but you have not defined yourself as more than a friend. Interests and having fun together are things just friends do ,But what steps have you shown to make it more like a real relationship.

Girls can be interested in a guy for a very short while, and they lose interest if the guy does not make some sort of move, either physical or emotional.

My advice is 2 things. One, space yourself from her so she starts to miss you a little, and yearn for your personality again. Two, get deeper on an emotional level. Talk about your fears and hers, and talk about stuff she might be even be to scared to tell her friends.

Only then will she see you as even more special than a just a friend.

Best of luck.

 

[carol_marie]

Hmm, the previous poster thinks that the woman lost interest in the OP because the OP wasn’t moving fast enough. In contrast, many on this thread are telling the OP that he’s moving too fast.

Oh women of CAF…your wisdom is coveted by men everywhere…can you comment on this?

I will comment on this part:

Girls can be interested in a guy for a very short while, and they lose interest if the guy does not make some sort of move, either physical or emotional.

LOL - what are we, toddlers with short attention spans? Some women like to take things VERY slowly. It sounds like this woman is one of them, especially since she hasn’t had a relationship before. IMO good friends probably means keep your paws off me.

The “xo” at the end of the letter could be just sweet affection in a playful way. Don’t read too much into it. In the meantime, my advice would be to just remain casual about it… don’t appear too anxious to pin her down as to what every little thing means or where this is all going… you’ll come off as desperate.

Good luck!

 

[dulcissima]

Thanks for all your replies.

They are all very helpful. May God bless you all.

Just one more question which I would like your thoughts on:

We have seen each other 3 times (4th this week) over 8 weeks now and to keep in contact we have emailed each other every so often.

Over the last 2 months we have emailed each other a lot.

In her last email, my lady friend finished the email signing her name and putting an “xo” beside it. This is the first time she has ever put “xo” and I was wondering what should I take from this?

I’m really intrigued by this “xo”.

Why don’t you reply xx oo or xoxo or even xoxo x?

 

[FanofB16]

Hi. Thanks for your replies.

Well, I met my lady friend for a brief lunch which went well. and I handed her a Christmas present with perfume.

She seemed really relaxed with me and we had a very enjoyable time.

She later thanked me for lunch and the perfume by text which included another “xo”.

So, that’s the first time she has put xo in a text.

Because we met during work lunch hour, it was only a brief lunch (40 mins) and we didnt get too much of a chance to talk about deep stuff. But we definitely enjoyed each others company.

So, I am going to ask her out for coffee next weekend, I’ll offer to pick her up.

I’d be really thankful if the ladies in particular could comment on things. It helps me put things into perspective.

Three questions:

1. how often should I see her? So far, its been once every two weeks, but it felt strange not having seen her for 2 weeks when we met for lunch. It took us some time to get relaxed again with each other.
2. Ummm, because I’ve never had a relationship before, I don;t know how to express affection in a Christan way. After going out with someone for more than a month, should I start to hold her hand for example. Or do I wait for her to initiate anything, rather than me? What about kissing? What do you think?

I would stress that I want to act in a Christian way in this area honouring God and my lady friend. I’ve also been checking out Pope John Paul The Great’s Theology of the Body. It’s amazing.

 

[Norseman82]

Well, one thing I’ve found is that you cannot always apply what one woman wants to what another wants. If only life were so simple.

I would stress that I want to act in a Christian way in this area honouring God and my lady friend.

Right now that’s about all anyone can do, and if the other person cannot appreciate it and chooses someone who does not honor God, then she is the one who has her priorities backwards. It’s a shame, but not everyone in the world has their brain screwed on right and that is the cause of a lot of problems today, especially in the dating world. But it sounds like for now she does appreciate you.

As far as how often to see her…you are in a much better position to answer that, since you know her personally and can pick up on any non-verbal communication that may be happening, whereas we don’t. This is something you are going to have to sound out, maybe by “beating around the bush”. Maybe mention a good movie you are interested in, if she expresses interest in it too you could ask if she wants to go see it on a date. And it doesn’t have to be a movie, it could be a sporting event, a museum exhibit, a concert, bicycle riding, church event, etc. Also, I don’t know if this was mentioned, are both of you Catholic?

On the lighter side, as far as the "xo"s are concerned, maybe it’s a football reference?

 

[carol_marie]

Before going in for a kiss, I would initiate a hug first. See how she responds (hugs back?) You could also show your affection for her by touching her back (lightly) as she goes through the door etc. or touching her arm? Are you normally a touchie feelie sort of guy? Does she seem to be?

I think the xo means she likes you. I think you’re doing great! You sound like quite the catch by the way!

 

[pumpkinbeast]

…

1. how often should I see her? So far, its been once every two weeks, but it felt strange not having seen her for 2 weeks when we met for lunch. It took us some time to get relaxed again with each other.
2. Ummm, because I’ve never had a relationship before, I don;t know how to express affection in a Christan way. After going out with someone for more than a month, should I start to hold her hand for example. Or do I wait for her to initiate anything, rather than me? What about kissing? What do you think?

I would stress that I want to act in a Christian way in this area honouring God and my lady friend. I’ve also been checking out Pope John Paul The Great’s Theology of the Body. It’s amazing.

Theology of the Body is a great idea! I mean to delve into that subject myself soon…
As for your other questions:

1. It all depends on the couple. For some people, every two weeks is great, but it sounds like it should be a bit more often for you two. Talk to her, and see if you could get together more often, maybe once a week, and see how that goes. There is no absolute right way to go about a relationship, in my (albeit small) experience, as long as you are within God’s laws and love.
2. You’re the man in the relationship, so you should initiate physical contact most of the time. Start by tiny little things, so she won’t be overwhelmed. Since this is your first dating experience, not only will you discover new things about each other, but you will also discover chaste, physical ways of expressing yourself. You don’t need sex before marriage to enjoy yourself perfectly purely physically! (I hope that last sentance made sense…) Anyways, as an above poster said, try things like touching her back lightly if you hold the door for her. Don’t go for kissing yet! My boyfriend and I agreed to wait a year before our first kiss, and never regretted it! It was his very first time ever kissing a girl. It gave us a chance to relax around one another physcially, as I had been very briefly (maybe sexually, I don’t really know) abused when I was very young by a guy, and hadn’t had good experiences with guys ever since. Don’t rush anything! If you would feel really nervous and uncomfortable trying something, don’t do it! You could always ask her if you could hold her hand. Some women really like to be asked, but she might rather you ‘be a man’ and just do it.