Need God's Help and Guidance from this addiction

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Very grateful for your help and insight.

I know that if I say I won’t pay and I’ll keeping my apartment it won’t end well. Truthfully I want happily ever after. I am making good money and my dream is to take care of everyone. But I want commitment and security.
He says the “plan is to get married in 2018”. He won’t give a date or look at anything because he says he is broke and he won’t do a cheap wedding again.

I just feel like He may be stringing me along?
 
If you truly want happily ever after:

Seek out Jesus Christ
  1. Pray
  2. Go to rosary group
  3. Adoration
  4. A retreat
You need to focus on your relationship with Christ. Renew your relationship with the Blessed Mother, she will point you towards her Son. Truthfully, unless you go back with your husband you will never find happily after. Divorce is not God’s design. You gave your word entered a contract with Christ and your husband. And, you broke that. You are cold with because of your actions.

For goodness sake, throw the phone away. Don’t speak to this doctor. Call the police every time he comes to see you. You are an adult with a family, you need to pull yourself together for their sake.

I bet your mom can’t deal with what she sees you doing. You are making a big mistake. Let her help you reconcile your heart with the Church and your husband.

When was the last time you received the sacrament of reconciliation? I’ve found the more often I confess; the easier things fall in place in my life. Not that I don’t mess up, just that it doesn’t crumble to the same degree (if that makes any sense)
 
No. No. No. This is not a relationship you need to stay in. He is stalking you. If he does not get what he wants, he will do violence to you. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org/) to get help. You need an attorney and a no contact order. You need a new cel phone, and don’t give him the number. You need a cannister of pepper spray on your person, and you need to know how to use it. What you feel for him is NOT love, and in fact it may be co-dependence. You are alive tonight. Please. Stay that way. He has already broken your bones. Don’t let him do worse.

God loves you. We love you. St Maria Goretti, pray for us.
 
This man is going to drag you into misery and has already manipulated you into a state of behaving self-destructively and with inflicting severe doubt upon yourself, second-guessing yourself, and with unjustified guilt. Stay away from him, change phones, and file a retraining order if his dangerous habits continue. Find counseling & spiritual direction. It is not within your power to fix this situation by yourself. Please do this immediately.
 
needguidance99 said:
Why am I so weak?!
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It’s a choice you are making.
You need to love yourself first of all, and you’re not doing that. You’re doing all the things you know will hurt you.

There’s plenty of great advice on this thread. If you really want to be continually abused, manipulated, taken advantage of, and threatened, keep doing what you’re doing.

Whatever you do, don’t marry this man. He will make your life miserable.
Please, do what you know is right for yourself and your son. Talk to a priest, a counselor, the Domestic Violence hotline. get help.

.
 
Need guidance, firstly,

Does he have access to your internet? Could he read this thread?
 
needguidance99 said:
He drove 3 hours to see me today Because I was working out of town. He said he just wanted to be with me.

He clearly wants to make this work but my fear is that he just isn’t capable.

Part of the reason I came here is because I wanted some sense of fear or something that would shake me.

I love him And even when he was horrible to me and going no contact…I was like a drug addict in terrible pain. My mom was here for a few days for an unrelated event and she was helpful. But when she went home, she never called me back. I told her I needed someone to keep me strong. She disappeared

I am so angry. I’m angry and my mom. My sister and now my fiancé… I know all of THIS is my fault. But I have no support system. That’s why I came here.

How do I get the strength?!
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**
He doesn’t want to make it work. He wants to CONTROL you.**
And he’s doing a pretty good job of it.
LEAVE,
No excuses, no "but"s…LEAVE.

If you can’t do it alone go to the nearest battered woman’s group and they will walk you through the process. There are safe houses
GO
 
He is not physically violent with me and the incident with my finger happened over a year ago.

But he is what I believe to be emotionally abusive. He is always there, even when he isn’t. We share locations on our phones and honestly I have also turned into a jealous crazy person. I am so scared that the reason he is so possessive and watchful of me is because maybe he is doing something himself?

I don’t believe he is cheating on me right now. But he acts so paranoid about me.

Again my fear is that if I leave, I won’t be able to stand the pain of being alone. I went to therapy almost daily when he left me last time. And I still folded.

He’s good looking, charming, fit and he has the eye of a lot of women. Of course. He’s the hot surgeon. It’s what I hold on to… but in reality right now he is just controlling me.

And I am a willing victim. I wish a priest could snap be out of it or at least give me some anger toward him. Anger helps me get strong again.
 
needguidance99 said:
He says because of the charges related to my finger his hospital didn’t renew his contract. However 2 years before I met him they didn’t renew him Ana he BEGGED and they took him back with a 50k salary cut.

But again he says it was my fault.

He has zero personal income. Now. All goes to keeping his office open.

But I do believe he will. E back to making great money soon. But when?

And yes I will be giving every dime. And he just told me that includes paying his child support and the health insurance of his 22 year old daughter who has a job.

He says they all hate me. They won’t speak to me. So I’m supposed to pay their bills and they won’t even speak to me?
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This is called Victim Blaming.

Abusers do it all the time to manipulate.

Stay away from him and his family…they are his henchmen. Who cares what they think?

Block his calls, don’t answer emails and stay away. Abuse is how people get seriuosly hurt physically and mentally.

For u to even consider going back shows he is already affecting your emotional stability.
 
mommy_k said:
This is called Victim Blaming.

Abusers do it all the time to manipulate.

Stay away from him and his family…they are his henchmen. Who cares what they think?

Block his calls, don’t answer emails and stay away. Abuse is how people get seriuosly hurt physically and mentally.

For u to even consider going back shows he is already affecting your emotional stability.
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AMEN, It doesn’t matter WHEN it happened.
Why do you suppose that people can be arrested years after a crime?
If something bad happened, something bad happened. There is no qualifying this.
You absolutely have to go to a battered women’s group. Look one up in your area, or ask fro the number at the local hospital or health clinic.
They deal with this all the time.
They will know what to do and what to say.
Open your eyes. This man could snap.
You are precious in the eyes of God. Don’t throw away what He made. It’s foolish to think this guy will change. Believe me…from personal experience…HE WILL NOT.

Go today.
Go today.
Can’t stress it enough.
Go today.
 
It is like a divorce but possibly worse for me because you don’t understand… he is my life. He is always in contact. Texting. Calling or actually being with me. So having him just gone… felt like a death to me.

We broke up for 3 months. He partied and lied to me about it. And I was in therapy almost daily trying to cope. I was an absolute mess. Sure I was working and moving forward, but I was struggling. Badly.

I associate so much pain to that time that it was made me more scared of leaving him.
 
Thank you. I think the biggest reason I need to go is because of the mental attachment I have. And how much I am stuck in this rut.

I love him and this is going to be so so hard.
 
needguidance99 said:
It is like a divorce but possibly worse for me because you don’t understand… he is my life. He is always in contact. Texting. Calling or actually being with me. So having him just gone… felt like a death to me.

We broke up for 3 months. He partied and lied to me about it. And I was in therapy almost daily trying to cope. I was an absolute mess. Sure I was working and moving forward, but I was struggling. Badly.

I associate so much pain to that time that it was made me more scared of leaving him.
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Oh I understand.
I get it.
You have been brainwashed and conditioned to believe that there is no life outside of this toxic relationship. Talk to experts in the field (such as at the battered women’s shelter) and learn the truth. He is not truthful.
Hard to struggle when you are in traction dear. I’m not trying to make things worse, I’m trying to see that the end result of this relationship will be fatal. Either physically or emotionally.
RUN.
 
needguidance99 said:
I have tried to leave a million times before. But I cave.

He literally shares location with me on my phone. He monitors my every move. I went for a walk at work and he knew Ana accused me of cheating!!
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Then why would you have posted this thread.
You know what to do. Seek mental help and call the authorities.
 
needguidance99 said:
Thank you. I think the biggest reason I need to go is because of the mental attachment I have. And how much I am stuck in this rut.

I love him and this is going to be so so hard.
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You don’t love him. You are dependent on his negative attentions because you feel that it’s better than nothing.
That’s not love.
What he does is also not love.
Get the phone number of the shelter today. Meet with someone to talk, today.
Also, fill your pastor in, He likely has a safe house for you, and connections in the community to help you. Help is there. You have to reach out.
 
I just had a 30 min session with a Catholic counselor. He was very good. He is also a recovering alcoholic who really understands addiction. I think that helped me.

He said he believes (again) that I am addicted to this man and this is strong co-dependency, as many of you have correctly pointed out here.

He shows some sympathy toward me, but he asked me for today – to try to see him --instead of a victim – as the enemy.

That is hard for me. But, he’s trying to get me to see things more from an outside perspective and how much control and manipulation that’s going on.

He is going to meet with me again tomorrow morning and help me form an exit plan.

The reality is – I am about to move away from my son again (3 hours) and ask my employer to let me work remotely (possibly endangering my employment that I desperately need) all to pay for a big house/mortgage that I have no entitlement to if things go south.

When he left me the last time, he left me with almost nothing. And he said HE felt so bad and wanted to help me and his family told them I would be just fine and not to help me.

Thank God I was just fine and I fought myself back – but he followed his family’s advice and did nothing for me. Nothing.

I need to have the strength.
 
needguidance99 said:
I just had a 30 min session with a Catholic counselor. He was very good. He is also a recovering alcoholic who really understands addiction. I think that helped me.

He shows some sympathy toward me, but he asked me for today – to try to see him --instead of a victim – as the enemy.
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Good…the counselor is correct

Not only is this man your enemy, he is a predator and you are his prey.
 
But I must admit he has a lot of good characteristics too.
That’s what keeps me off balance and still so “into” him.

He truly seems to want to be with me 24/7. He says he loves my companionship.

But he is constantly asking why I don’t seem “happier”. He says he just wants me to be happy, smiling and laughing all the time and HE wants to know he is responsible for that.

During arguments he will say I am just an unhappy person overall.

I have definitely gotten myself into a bit of a slump because his constant anger and accusations wear me down.

And HE is not a happy person the majority of the time. He says it’s because he “lost everything” since I ruined his career.

Something that I keep trying to remember is he is older — 50 – and his contract was nearly not renewed BEFORE HE MET ME. So – it’s very possible this could have happened again REGARDLESS of me and our issues.

It’s easy for me to feel sorry for him - but shouldn’t he have more than 100k in retirement at 50! WHen he made 300k plus for the past 5 years?

He’s angry that he can’t pay his son’s college. He never set money aside! I need to stop blaming myself. I met him just 3 years ago. When he was 47!
 
So far, I see no “good characteristics.”
Why make excuses for him?

There’s no sin in saving yourself.
God expects us to take of ourselves and work toward a just life. Especially for our kids.
 
The sin I am trying to turn away from is continuing my life in this fashion because I realize he is not living his life in a way that is bringing either of us closer to God.

I think he means well in a lot of areas-- but the fact is he is in a downward spiral and it is in every area.

Last night I was starting to set the alarm for him. He had to get up early. I said what time do you need to get up? He snapped and asked why I needed to know and then said you handle your own alarm and I’ll handle mine. I said OOKKKKKK.

This morning he woke up 30 minutes late because he didn’t do the math well enough about when he needed to get up for his first appointment. He was livid and said “great NOW I’M LATE AGAIN – my life is a disaster!”

He woke up on a war path just from that – and all I was doing was trying to help him.
 
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