Need God's Help and Guidance from this addiction

[pianistclare]

Contrary to what one might think, this is my story. It’s the truth. It’s my life.

And it’s not pretty and he has me convinced that ‘I’ am the entire problem.

And I’m falling apart. I really had a rough night.

He got angry at me because I said something about how his friend (who invited us to a weekend event) was going to be buying his girlfriend a new dress for the event and that I am stuck paying for dinners and everything under the sun.

He said then why don’t you go find a guy like him! I snapped and I started leaving the house and he blocked me over and over again – he would not let me leave. I finally pushed past him and he said if I left the house he would never speak to me again!

I was livid and as I was pulling out of the driveway, I hit the neighbors flower bed and scratched the car.

He said he was going to call the police on me! So, I said I was going to go to a hotel and he told me if I didn’t come right home he was never going to see me again EVER.

He called me and told me he loved me more than anything and I went back for the night. I was in no shape to drive or leave. So I cried myself to sleep. But, I am not well. I told him that I am simply not okay. I broke down. Badly. I collapsed in tears and told him that I am simply NOT OKAY. That I need help. And I felt that I really did.

I was a wreck. An absolute wreck when he told me that if I left that he would NEVER speak to me again. He does that habitually! He said the fact that I left the house so quickly shows that I am wrestling with guilt or something and that I don’t love him.

Talk about a complete disaster – I am not holding up well at all. I need to get help.

Look. You’re not going to like this but…here goes:

Why are you miserable? Has he so devalued you in your own brain that you believe MISERY is the same as love?

Yesterday, several people posted that your should call the battered women’s shelter, get a restraining order, leave, and change your phone.
You did nothing. You have made excuses for him.
You keep saying how hard it is. Yet, you were miserable and cried all night.
Really? If my abuser said he would leave, never speak to me again I would get on my knees and thank the Lord for this miracle and answer to prayer.

You have plenty of time today to do what you clearly need to do.
You keep saying you need help. You have to go get it. It won’t walk in the door unless it’s via an ambulance worker, and even then, it’s your decision to walk away.

If this were your daughter…in your exact situation…(which could very well happen)

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

When my first husband threatened to kill my daughter and I (the little one was hiding in a closet) we called the police. They came. They put our things in a garbage bag, and gave this advice:

Take the keys to every vehicle, and drive to the home of a friend that he would have no clue where you went. Go to the Battered Women’s meeting at this address in the morning. Alert the School counselor and call the girls in sick. Don’t ever come back without us with coming with you.

The most telling question they asked me was: Don’t you have any friends?
I said yes, I work in a church…I have oodles of friends.
The cop said : Then WHY do they let you live this way?

Because they didn’t know. I had been convinced by him it was all my fault. I couldn’t tell anyone, even though I KNEW he manipulated us.
He said he would get the directory of the parish and the school and call every single person to tell them how horrible I was. Make up lies about me. I would have no one to run to. And when you are ABUSED…those things make sense! They are DAFT statements, but to an abused women who is SO CONFUSED and HURT, and DAMAGED…they sound reasonable,
THEY ARE NOT.
THEY ARE NOT.
THEY ARE NOT.

I can’t stress this enough, if this story is REAL, get help TODAY. Purchase a cheap pay as you go phone, throw the other one in the trash, disconnect it, and stay at the shelter, There are women there with PhD’s, there are immigrants, there are stay at home moms, elderly women, young brides, teens. You will NOT be out of place. You will be accepted.
listen to THEIR stories and the light bulb will go off.

GO TODAY.
Stop typing, and GO TODAY.

 

[SuperHappy]

I have tried to leave a million times before. But I cave.

He literally shares location with me on my phone. He monitors my every move. I went for a walk at work and he knew Ana accused me of cheating!!

Get a new phone and block him from contacting on all social media and email as well.

 

[john1513]

Leave. Freedom and happiness are waiting for you.

 

[SuperHappy]

He says because of the charges related to my finger his hospital didn’t renew his contract. However 2 years before I met him they didn’t renew him Ana he BEGGED and they took him back with a 50k salary cut.

But again he says it was my fault.

He has zero personal income. Now. All goes to keeping his office open.

But I do believe he will. E back to making great money soon. But when?

And yes I will be giving every dime. And he just told me that includes paying his child support and the health insurance of his 22 year old daughter who has a job.

He says they all hate me. They won’t speak to me. So I’m supposed to pay their bills and they won’t even speak to me?

Leave. You have zero reason to stay or return to this nasty abusive situation.

You make good money, so you don’t have to worry about being without income. You have burned your other relationships in favor of this one but that doesn’t mean you can’t make new friendships with people who will love you and value you for who you are. If you CHOOSE to allow this man into your life, that’s on you. You have to be able to make a decision FOR you and in favor of your own life, not a decision that will lead you back down this terrible path.

Go to your priest or any priest, they will have the resources you need to get away from this.

 

[SuperHappy]

He is not physically violent with me and the incident with my finger happened over a year ago.

But he is what I believe to be emotionally abusive. He is always there, even when he isn’t. We share locations on our phones and honestly I have also turned into a jealous crazy person. I am so scared that the reason he is so possessive and watchful of me is because maybe he is doing something himself?

I don’t believe he is cheating on me right now. But he acts so paranoid about me.

Again my fear is that if I leave, I won’t be able to stand the pain of being alone. I went to therapy almost daily when he left me last time. And I still folded.

He’s good looking, charming, fit and he has the eye of a lot of women. Of course. He’s the hot surgeon. It’s what I hold on to… but in reality right now he is just controlling me.

And I am a willing victim. I wish a priest could snap be out of it or at least give me some anger toward him. Anger helps me get strong again.

You state that he is not physically abusive yet you needed three screws to fix what he did to your hand. He tells you what you HAVE to do and you are going for it. Why? Because you are scared. Why are you scared if he is not abusive? I think it is because you know he is abusive and you know if he broke your bones, it wouldn’t take much more for him to go too far and kill you.

You are the only one who can “snap yourself out of it” – God has already given you the financial ability to support yourself and you are already in your own apartment. Get your mind straight! You don’t need this man for anything. You say you’re lonely? Go back and make amends with your mother and your son then go forward from there.

Prayers require our actions and our obedience. You need to realize that you weren’t made to live depressed, sad, or victimized. Take positive action and move as far away from this situation as possible!

 

[Irishmom2]

You state that he is not physically abusive yet you needed three screws to fix what he did to your hand. He tells you what you HAVE to do and you are going for it. Why? Because you are scared. Why are you scared if he is not abusive? I think it is because you know he is abusive and you know if he broke your bones, it wouldn’t take much more for him to go too far and kill you.

You are the only one who can “snap yourself out of it” – God has already given you the financial ability to support yourself and you are already in your own apartment. Get your mind straight! You don’t need this man for anything. You say you’re lonely? Go back and make amends with your mother and your son then go forward from there.

Prayers require our actions and our obedience. You need to realize that you weren’t made to live depressed, sad, or victimized. Take positive action and move as far away from this situation as possible!

Excellent advice.

 

[needguidance99]

This is all sooooo true. To answer your question – I am not scared of his physical abuse… I am scared (like a child) of his anger and the fighting. I get scared of his disapproval of me or something I’ve done. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.

I spoke with my counselor this morning and we are formulating an exit plan. The battered woman’s shelter in my area only takes people in on Tuesdays. I called and spoke with them.

I will say that after our horrible argument last night, he woke up in the middle of the night super anxious and acting strange. He asked me to call in sick for him to his surgery and said he was not in his correct mind to do surgery and blamed me.

He said he was going to call his nurse and tell her he’s quitting the profession. He is indeed nearly bankrupt because he had to launch his own practice after he lost his spot for a hospital. And he feels like a failure.

But he kept saying that he had so many thoughts going through his mind and he was so anxious. He sounded nearly suicidal.

He eventually calmed down but he seemed unnerved.

He said later today that he was lucky that we didn’t have a balcony becuase he felt so depressed and out of his body, that he would have jumped.

I tell you this man loves himself SO much that he would not commit suicide. He’s threatneed to kill himself before to me…and it was all to keep me from leaving him.

He doesn’t do that anymore, but what I witnessed when he woke up was worrisome.

THAT behavior made me fall into the cycle of abuse. he’s so loving today and just keep telling that he’s worried about me because I flipped out so badly last night on him.

I am trying to focus on the overall picture instead of the emotions. Through my counselor, we recognized how his values are just not of good character. And that no matter what I do, I can’t change his values.

And the fact that I am so focused on him – as opposed to anything or anyone else-- I am worshiping a false God, too.

I need to focus on leaving Tuesday. I can’t fight – I have to just disappear and have a place to go. When I fight, the emotions and the begging always bring me back.

You state that he is not physically abusive yet you needed three screws to fix what he did to your hand. He tells you what you HAVE to do and you are going for it. Why? Because you are scared. Why are you scared if he is not abusive? I think it is because you know he is abusive and you know if he broke your bones, it wouldn’t take much more for him to go too far and kill you.

You are the only one who can “snap yourself out of it” – God has already given you the financial ability to support yourself and you are already in your own apartment. Get your mind straight! You don’t need this man for anything. You say you’re lonely? Go back and make amends with your mother and your son then go forward from there.

Prayers require our actions and our obedience. You need to realize that you weren’t made to live depressed, sad, or victimized. Take positive action and move as far away from this situation as possible!

 

[1990Domer]

OP,

I have watched my sister marry not 1, but 2 abusive men. Her first husband, who died of pancreatic cancer, physically abused her. However, there is a caveat. My sister is one who likes to gaslight things and push buttons. He passed away in 2000. Not more than 6 months later she found her current husband. He was basically a bum because he had no income and was kicked out of his parents’ house. He was divorced with 3 kids. My sister was drinking heavily, would not listen to reason, so I had to cut her from my life. Then, after many years, I tried to heal the relationship.

Her second husband is completely controlling and has zero respect for my sister or any woman, for that matter. I met him 3 times. That was 3 times too many. He totally controls (still does, I’m sure) her every move. She works herself to death! He rides his motorcycle. He answers for her, makes all decisions for her, and she thinks that’s fine. However, I had to break ties (as did my parents) because she started dictating things she wanted us to do for her. In essence, she was always right and never wrong. Same with her husband. Well, it was nine months of suffering having her in my life.

My husband just left for Adoration (my son is sick, so we couldn’t go as a family. But I asked DH to pray for you.

So much good advice, but I fear he has brainwashed you. I will keep you in my prayers!

 

[needguidance99]

I’m so sorry to hear about your sister, 1190Domer. I hope she will some day turn around.

I know in some ways I might sound like I’m similar. I think on the outside it appears that he dictates everything. What throws me off is often the extreme lengths he will go to – to be with me or to try to make me happy.

He says this time and time again. “I just want to see you happy and feel responsible for it”

I feel like he tries so hard to please me but can’t stop worrying about himself first.

He doesn’t want me to leave him — I think this is where I also get hung up, because he SAYS this - he holds me so tight at night and tells me how much he loves me. I can feel it!

But then he will wake up – get going on his day - get mad about money or something – and then attack me emotionally.

And yes, I think there’s some truth to brainwashing. I read this and I try to understand how it applies. I believe it does. I really do.

What is Brainwashing?
Merriam-Webster’s concise encyclopedia states that brainwashing is a

“Systematic effort to destroy an individual’s former loyalties and beliefs and to substitute loyalty to a new ideology or power… The techniques of brainwashing usually involve isolation from former associates and sources of information; an exacting regimen calling for absolute obedience and humility; strong social pressures and rewards for cooperation; physical and psychological punishments for noncooperation, including social ostracism and criticism, deprivation of food, sleep, and social contacts, bondage, and torture; and constant reinforcement….”

And thank you for your family’s prayers! I definitely need them.

OP,

I have watched my sister marry not 1, but 2 abusive men. Her first husband, who died of pancreatic cancer, physically abused her. However, there is a caveat. My sister is one who likes to gaslight things and push buttons. He passed away in 2000. Not more than 6 months later she found her current husband. He was basically a bum because he had no income and was kicked out of his parents’ house. He was divorced with 3 kids. My sister was drinking heavily, would not listen to reason, so I had to cut her from my life. Then, after many years, I tried to heal the relationship.

Her second husband is completely controlling and has zero respect for my sister or any woman, for that matter. I met him 3 times. That was 3 times too many. He totally controls (still does, I’m sure) her every move. She works herself to death! He rides his motorcycle. He answers for her, makes all decisions for her, and she thinks that’s fine. However, I had to break ties (as did my parents) because she started dictating things she wanted us to do for her. In essence, she was always right and never wrong. Same with her husband. Well, it was nine months of suffering having her in my life.

My husband just left for Adoration (my son is sick, so we couldn’t go as a family. But I asked DH to pray for you.

So much good advice, but I fear he has brainwashed you. I will keep you in my prayers!

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Listen to me.

You are where I was. I know what it’s like. As soon as you see there number phoning, you become terrified. They come to the door, you become terrified. They talk to you, you become terrified.

You walk on eggshells because when you say or do anything, I mean anything. Could be as harmless as making a cuppa, it sets them off. They fly into that rage.

These men push until you leave, then they manipulate you so you return.

Yes they say sorry I broke your finger. Sorry I choked you unconscious, sorry I threw things at you that hurt you, sorry I killed you , sorry I told you that you are a worthless human. Yes they say all this.

But then they do it again.

We cant change them, we can’t help them. You are learning you can barely help yourself.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IT NEVER WAS YOUR FAULT.

Please do NOT block him from your phone until you have a plan and are safe in a refuge.

This is a very dangerous time for you. But hey, so many of us have found the courage to leave, eventually. ( remember I told you of a fb group? Run by professionals)

Pick up the phone when he is not around, ring a shelter, pack a toothbrush and drive to that shelter. Throw your phone in water along the way.

It is hard, it is difficult, it takes a great deal of courage. Yes you will be terrified. Your life will change.

Think of the courage Mary and Jesus had , in parting, during the Passion. Try for courage.

I will pray for you.

THIS WAS NEVER YOUR FAULt, EVER. Got it? You are not to blame. You are a victim of domestic violence to a man you owe nothing to. And if you are having sex, he is also sending you to mortal sin.

What’s more important? God , or this man?

 

[Roseeurekacross]

What’s going to happen if you marry and have children to this man?

Do you think your children will be safe?

Dont kid yourself. He can’t control his rage with you, he wont be able to with your babies.

Do you really want that?

 

[Irishmom2]

I think on the outside it appears that he dictates everything. He does. If you live in fear of everything he does, he is dictating you. With violence, manipulation and verbal abuse. What throws me off is often the extreme lengths he will go to – to be with me or to try to make me happy.

He says this time and time again. “I just want to see you happy and feel responsible for it” No, if he did, he wouldn’t act the way he does.

I feel like he tries so hard to please me but can’t stop worrying about himself first. Thats an oxymoron. He is not working hard to please you if he is putting himself first.

He doesn’t want me to leave him — I think this is where I also get hung up, because he SAYS this - he holds me so tight at night and tells me how much he loves me. I can feel it! Yeah, he will be nice and you will fall for it. And then, once he has you, he goes back to abusing.

But then he will wake up – get going on his day - get mad about money or something – and then attack me emotionally. I rest my case.

And yes, I think there’s some truth to brainwashing. I read this and I try to understand how it applies. I believe it does. I really do.

So, I didn’t respond to your last post, but, what are you waiting for? Why are you such a victim all the time? Instead of coming on here and wasting time telling us all the details of every thing he does that is exactly like the last thing he did, why aren’t you getting yourself ready? Please don’t tell me you can’t do anything until Tuesday.

Pack a bag. Get another phone with a new number. Get some cash ready. Go stay in a motel somewhere.

And when you leave, take the old phone and duct tape to a delivery truck at the grocery
store.

If your story is really true, you don’t need him. He needs you to manipulate and abuse. If he loved you, he wouldn’t be doing this. If he really is a surgeon, there must be more to this story for him to be so unsuccessful, to never have money. He is going to walk away from being a surgeon after 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school and another 5-7 years of residency afterward? He is going to do what instead?

So you see, that’s why I have doubts, so many pieces of your story don’t make sense.

 

[needguidance99]

He was successful. When I met him he made 295k a year. But he was a year removed from his SECOND DIVORCE where his ex took him for a lot of money. They were married for 8 years. No kids.

He has 3 kids from his first marriage (she’s now remarried) and he pays a lot in child support now, although only 2 are old enough to receive. However, his oldest (22) lives with her grandparents (his parents) and he pays her car and insurance. Which means “I” have to pay her car and insurance.

He has never spent a lot of time with his kids – even when I had just met him…he said that they were teens and had their own lives. They never did the standard “weekends” with dad – at least they hadn’t for a few years because he said he was trying to deal with his ex wife and her issues.

Anyway, he is broke and when he lost his contract with the hospital last year he was forced to start his own practice. And he spent all the money (almost) in his savings before the contract ended AND he spends so much!

He went and “surprise!” bought a brand new range rover (110k) 2 months after he was told he MAY not be renewed again from his hospital. And now we have to keep it and the 1700 dollar a month car payment beucase he is 30k upside down on it – since he bought it brand new and had an accident a few months later – which degraded the value.

He says he doesn’t have 30k to hand over in begaive equity to “drive a piece of shi*”

 

[Irishmom2]

What does that have to do with anything? Really?

Yeah, he says he made a lot of money and spent a lot of money. He has Two ex wives…hello?

Why is his single practice such a failure?

Why do you defend all the nonsense he throws your way! Why do you have any obligation to pay for anything for him or his family?

Stop making excuses.

 

[pianistclare]

I’m having serious doubts about this.

A shelter that only takes in women on Tuesdays?

hmmmmm

So…where do they send the women with immediate needs? To another shelter.
Or, you want to talk about this for another 4 or 5 days.

I wish you all the best, but seriously…

 

[1990Domer]

@pianistclare, I am so sorry you also suffered. You have been so kind to me when I needed help. God bless you.

@addicted, thanks for the kind thoughts about my sister. However, she won’t change. She was convinced she needed a man and she got one. However, calling him a man is an insult to true manhood.

He doesn’t love you unconditionally. What he loves is your money! I, too, am wondering if the posters that gave you advice are being played.

Either way, I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[needguidance99]

Im in texas and they said they are overloaded.

However I have an old girl friend who said I can stay with her.

But I am telling you. I feel scared. Need strength. I don’t know if I can stay AWAY. Please pray for me.

My desire to leave is not there. I feel so helpless. But I know I most go. You are all right. Just need to get through mi brain.

I love how smart he is. He removes cancer. I have such respect for him in so many ways. I feel he is so much better than me in many ways.

 

[Irishmom2]

Im in texas and they said they are overloaded.

However I have an old girl friend who said I can stay with her.

But I am telling you. I feel scared. Need strength. I don’t know if I can stay AWAY. Please pray for me.

My desire to leave is not there. I feel so helpless. But I know I most go. You are all right. Just need to get through mi brain.

I love how smart he is. He removes cancer. I have such respect for him in so many ways. I feel he is so much better than me in many ways.

He is an oncologist that has no patients? And he can’t find a job somewhere else?

Come on now.

A woman should be more scared to stay with an abuser than to leave one. You don’t know if you can stay away? You are helpless?

If that is the case, you need to get some deeper counseling. You should listen to yourself. If you had a daughter, would you want her doing what you are doing?

 

[1990Domer]

Well, my husband works to cure cancer. I sacrificed my future schooling to work to put him through grad school. Trust me, I was warned by many people that he would use me then divorce me when he got his degree. It is 23 years later, and we are still together. I won’t say we haven’t had our ups and downs, but he has never made me feel inferior to him. If anything, he feels my raising our son is the most important vocation and job a woman can have.

I write this because I you have a laundry list of excuses or counterpoints for every post. You admire someone who belittles you and uses you as his personal ATM?

I am out of advice and probably as frustrated as other posters are. I wish you luck, strength and prayers.

 

[Walking_Home]

I don’t know – but I am getting the feeling – we’ve been had.