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Bonnie
Guest
He’s right about that. When you know you’re on the Titanic, it’s stupid to stay on the ship to drown. Save yourself - you can’t save him.
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needguidance99
Guest
Part of me wants to believe that his practice will rebound and we will live happily ever after – and each day that ticks by – I get further in denial and feel that much more helpless.
Tony Robbins says we typically make choices in life that avoid pain and maximize pleasure.
As crazy as this seems – I attach more pleasure in being WITH him – than being alone…
I feel so lost without him…
Tony Robbins says we typically make choices in life that avoid pain and maximize pleasure.
As crazy as this seems – I attach more pleasure in being WITH him – than being alone…
I feel so lost without him…
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pianistclare
Guest
You feel lost without him?
I’m sorry dear one, but you need that counselor so desperately.
Your life would improve dramatically without him in it.
Why? You would no longer live in fear.
that alone is worth it.
I will pray for you.
But this is something only YOU can fix.
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needguidance99
Guest
I see that and I appreciate this forum for helping me vent and vocalize some of this.
For example today I am at work. He is doing surgery. I often go for a walk around our office a couple of times a day (10 min) and that’s usually where I talk on calls. We have an office that is very tight quarters so I typically walk out duirng calls.
He was in surgery and he checked my location. He said he couldn’t see it. He texted me over and over and said “what is going on why aren’t you responding?” This was all within 2 minutes of time. I just needed a break from him.
He immediately called me and I answered. He said “who were you on the phone with? Why can’t I see your location. I hear the wind on the phone - you are outside! Why are you walking? Are you REALLY at work?”
THIS is the kind of thing that I go through every single day if I’m not with him. He watches my location. He can even tell when I’m walking around the building and will text “why are you walking!!” “You are outside of the building – what is going on?”
For example today I am at work. He is doing surgery. I often go for a walk around our office a couple of times a day (10 min) and that’s usually where I talk on calls. We have an office that is very tight quarters so I typically walk out duirng calls.
He was in surgery and he checked my location. He said he couldn’t see it. He texted me over and over and said “what is going on why aren’t you responding?” This was all within 2 minutes of time. I just needed a break from him.
He immediately called me and I answered. He said “who were you on the phone with? Why can’t I see your location. I hear the wind on the phone - you are outside! Why are you walking? Are you REALLY at work?”
THIS is the kind of thing that I go through every single day if I’m not with him. He watches my location. He can even tell when I’m walking around the building and will text “why are you walking!!” “You are outside of the building – what is going on?”
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john1513
Guest
I speak from a very similar experience as your own…
It would be best for you and your fiance if you cut all communication and connection with him (ditch your phone, get a new number, do not give it to him, do not contact him through it, put him behind you permanently and experience freedom). Do the right thing for him and yourself. You are not helping each other and are only hurting each other (no matter how he spins it or what he says). Contact the police and your priest for help.
Do not give money to anyone for their business pursuits unless you fully expect to not get anything in return. Furthermore, do not fuel people’s failed pursuits with money. It only encourages failure and prevents them from growing in successful attempts.
Return to your faith. Over time you will heal and your family will experience some aspects of your healing. All you can do is allow God to heal you. You can’t heal others. Your loved ones may or may not join you but at least you can give them a shining example to follow if they choose to do so. You can only do this through continually offering yourself to God who is Love and loves you more than anyone else ever can.
It would be best for you and your fiance if you cut all communication and connection with him (ditch your phone, get a new number, do not give it to him, do not contact him through it, put him behind you permanently and experience freedom). Do the right thing for him and yourself. You are not helping each other and are only hurting each other (no matter how he spins it or what he says). Contact the police and your priest for help.
Do not give money to anyone for their business pursuits unless you fully expect to not get anything in return. Furthermore, do not fuel people’s failed pursuits with money. It only encourages failure and prevents them from growing in successful attempts.
Return to your faith. Over time you will heal and your family will experience some aspects of your healing. All you can do is allow God to heal you. You can’t heal others. Your loved ones may or may not join you but at least you can give them a shining example to follow if they choose to do so. You can only do this through continually offering yourself to God who is Love and loves you more than anyone else ever can.
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Wesrock
Guest
He has no trust for how you manage your time. He has no trust for how you manage your relationship. He has no trust for how you manage your money. This is not love. This is not respect. He is a user and an abuser. The things you describe are not only unusual, but really downright frightening and alarming.
I am glad to hear you saw a counselor. That was smart and brave.
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Irishmom2
Guest
How would a surgeon have all this time **during surgery **to check up on you and keep texting you? Something doesn’t sound right. Why have you agreed to a location finder on your phone anyway?
Are you sure you aren’t just addicted to what he provides you? He does not sound like a friend, a protector, or anything. If you are Catholic, and don’t have an annulment you don’t even belong with him or anyone. As someone else mentioned, go back to your husband and beg his forgiveness. Apologize to your son, and your mother.
**GO TO CONFESSION. **
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needguidance99
Guest
He literally takes breaks during surgeries to text me and check on me. I guess that’s normal for surgeons — but it just feels extreme to me.
And yes, he does watch me minute by minute at times. And now he’s freaking out that I have a work trip to NYC at the end of the month and he says that he MUST go with – he says he won’t let me go there alone.
He says he will stay in the hotel and go work at a coffee shop while i’m technically “working”… but he is pretty much demanding that organize the trip TODAY around HIS schedule…
And yes, he does watch me minute by minute at times. And now he’s freaking out that I have a work trip to NYC at the end of the month and he says that he MUST go with – he says he won’t let me go there alone.
He says he will stay in the hotel and go work at a coffee shop while i’m technically “working”… but he is pretty much demanding that organize the trip TODAY around HIS schedule…
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Irishmom2
Guest
Honestly, I hear you making excuses, weaving in a lot of irrelevant details and reasons why he is a horrible person, **and yet **you are still with him. I am not buying the addiction story. It doesn’t hold water. You don’t respond to any advice anyone has suggested, you deflect it all by saying it’s so hard because you love him.
You love him more than God? More than your faith? More than doing what is right for your own son and for **yourself? **
There is nothing romantic, wonderful, or addictive about someone that abuses someone.
This is a choice you are making. If things are truly as you say they are, you can choose to walk away.
And before you start saying that no one understands, no. It is you that do not understand what some people on this site have actually lived through.
You love him more than God? More than your faith? More than doing what is right for your own son and for **yourself? **
There is nothing romantic, wonderful, or addictive about someone that abuses someone.
This is a choice you are making. If things are truly as you say they are, you can choose to walk away.
And before you start saying that no one understands, no. It is you that do not understand what some people on this site have actually lived through.
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Lou2U
Guest
No, it’s not normal. His controlling behaviour is not normal, and you know it. Don’t let yourself excuse him for it. None of this is normal. All of his actions indicate that he is controlling you, right from the love-bombing at the start, to moving you away from your son, to tracking your every move by phone. These are not good qualities, these are abusive qualities. And they won’t change in the future. They won’t get better. He is damaging your health, your self-confidence. He is taking everything and is giving you nothing. He has manipulated you to be dependent on him so he doesn’t have to give you anything - but here’s the thing: you don’t have to be dependent on him. You don’t have to move away from your son. You don’t have to do any of it. But you do have to do it yourself. No-one can do it for you. We can advise, and your counselor can advise, but you are the one who has to end the cycle.
You know this is wrong. You know this isn’t normal. You lived before him, you will live after him, I promise. Please, go to your counselor tomorrow. Make plans. Act them out. Live your life to the full without him.
Lou
You know this is wrong. You know this isn’t normal. You lived before him, you will live after him, I promise. Please, go to your counselor tomorrow. Make plans. Act them out. Live your life to the full without him.
Lou
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pianistclare
Guest
OP:
Are you by any chance a writer?
Are you by any chance a writer?
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needguidance99
Guest
No I am an engineer. And I am fortunate that I have the job that I have…
He is not doing well financially and he’s Now asking me to purchase his plane ticket because he can’t afford to go. But he doesn’t want me going alone!
I am talking to therapist again in the morning and will develop a plan. I can’t do this anymore. This is true.
He is not doing well financially and he’s Now asking me to purchase his plane ticket because he can’t afford to go. But he doesn’t want me going alone!
I am talking to therapist again in the morning and will develop a plan. I can’t do this anymore. This is true.
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Walking_Home
Guest
Ditto.
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pianistclare
Guest
A surgeon who has no money.
I guess you live long enough, you’ve heard it all.
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Roseeurekacross
Guest
Need guidance, firstly, you need to ask for this thread that be removed if he has access to your internet.
Secondly, you need to stop him having access to your location. But not till you have a plan
Thirdly, here, very briefly, is my story. It may help you, or another .
I loved a man, and still do. But the Grace of God saved me from him and opened my eyes to him.
Yes, he is emotionally abusive, yes he flies into complete rages and becomes physically abusive.
Yes he stalked/ and still stalks me
Yes , he works in the mental health field and everyone thinks he is a good bloke
Yes he has tried to kill me in his rages and almost succeeded.
Yes , I felt like you, like he was my world, a good man, it was my fault etcetera.
Yes I thought my world would be destroyed without him.
You know when I finally woke up to what was going on? When I went to a female doctor with An injury from him. After lying ( we all do it) about how I got the injury., she pressed me until I admitted what happened, then she said these simple words
“This is domestic violence”
God has saved me from this man and this situation. This man has not reacted well about that.
I hold to living the Commandments, esp Chastity, partaking the Sacraments often. And prayer. My absolute rock is inside the church. God’s house.
But I had the help also of people who had been where I am, and professionals.
You also need that kind of help.
This is the most dangerous time for you, leaving, ending this situation. That’s when most women are hurt or killed. Let me be very clear about that.
Please after reading this, pick up a phone to a domestic violence professional. Do not do anything differently re phone locations , etc , until you have spoken with a person who can help you. So he does not become aware of your moves.
I was lucky, we in Aus, can’t own guns like you guys can. If we did, no doubt, I would not be here to type this.
Yes talking to a counsellor/ therapist/ priest is great
But you need one who specialises in this. At the moment you are in most danger, trying to leave is when they react.
You are in my Prayers today. If you are on fb , and he is not, there is a group for people like me us. Pm me. Men are not allowed on the page, and we support each other. Esp when in danger because the guy is bashing the door down and the police still have not arrived.
But please, if he can read your internet, get this thread removed.
Secondly, you need to stop him having access to your location. But not till you have a plan
Thirdly, here, very briefly, is my story. It may help you, or another .
I loved a man, and still do. But the Grace of God saved me from him and opened my eyes to him.
Yes, he is emotionally abusive, yes he flies into complete rages and becomes physically abusive.
Yes he stalked/ and still stalks me
Yes , he works in the mental health field and everyone thinks he is a good bloke
Yes he has tried to kill me in his rages and almost succeeded.
Yes , I felt like you, like he was my world, a good man, it was my fault etcetera.
Yes I thought my world would be destroyed without him.
You know when I finally woke up to what was going on? When I went to a female doctor with An injury from him. After lying ( we all do it) about how I got the injury., she pressed me until I admitted what happened, then she said these simple words
“This is domestic violence”
God has saved me from this man and this situation. This man has not reacted well about that.
I hold to living the Commandments, esp Chastity, partaking the Sacraments often. And prayer. My absolute rock is inside the church. God’s house.
But I had the help also of people who had been where I am, and professionals.
You also need that kind of help.
This is the most dangerous time for you, leaving, ending this situation. That’s when most women are hurt or killed. Let me be very clear about that.
Please after reading this, pick up a phone to a domestic violence professional. Do not do anything differently re phone locations , etc , until you have spoken with a person who can help you. So he does not become aware of your moves.
I was lucky, we in Aus, can’t own guns like you guys can. If we did, no doubt, I would not be here to type this.
Yes talking to a counsellor/ therapist/ priest is great
But you need one who specialises in this. At the moment you are in most danger, trying to leave is when they react.
You are in my Prayers today. If you are on fb , and he is not, there is a group for people like me us. Pm me. Men are not allowed on the page, and we support each other. Esp when in danger because the guy is bashing the door down and the police still have not arrived.
But please, if he can read your internet, get this thread removed.
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Roseeurekacross
Guest
And this man, the one I loved, who for years had hurt me so badly, walked up to me one day and said
" I have never hurt anyone and never will". He has no concept of his level of emotional and physical abuse. They are like that. Remember this.
" I have never hurt anyone and never will". He has no concept of his level of emotional and physical abuse. They are like that. Remember this.
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Bonnie
Guest
I’ve been wondering when someone would bring that up! I’ve been wondering about the OP’s story, but then, I don’t have any first-hand experience with abusive partners.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
My thought from the first post.
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needguidance99
Guest
Contrary to what one might think, this is my story. It’s the truth. It’s my life.
And it’s not pretty and he has me convinced that ‘I’ am the entire problem.
And I’m falling apart. I really had a rough night.
He got angry at me because I said something about how his friend (who invited us to a weekend event) was going to be buying his girlfriend a new dress for the event and that I am stuck paying for dinners and everything under the sun.
He said then why don’t you go find a guy like him! I snapped and I started leaving the house and he blocked me over and over again – he would not let me leave. I finally pushed past him and he said if I left the house he would never speak to me again!
I was livid and as I was pulling out of the driveway, I hit the neighbors flower bed and scratched the car.
He said he was going to call the police on me! So, I said I was going to go to a hotel and he told me if I didn’t come right home he was never going to see me again EVER.
He called me and told me he loved me more than anything and I went back for the night. I was in no shape to drive or leave. So I cried myself to sleep. But, I am not well. I told him that I am simply not okay. I broke down. Badly. I collapsed in tears and told him that I am simply NOT OKAY. That I need help. And I felt that I really did.
I was a wreck. An absolute wreck when he told me that if I left that he would NEVER speak to me again. He does that habitually! He said the fact that I left the house so quickly shows that I am wrestling with guilt or something and that I don’t love him.
Talk about a complete disaster – I am not holding up well at all. I need to get help.
And it’s not pretty and he has me convinced that ‘I’ am the entire problem.
And I’m falling apart. I really had a rough night.
He got angry at me because I said something about how his friend (who invited us to a weekend event) was going to be buying his girlfriend a new dress for the event and that I am stuck paying for dinners and everything under the sun.
He said then why don’t you go find a guy like him! I snapped and I started leaving the house and he blocked me over and over again – he would not let me leave. I finally pushed past him and he said if I left the house he would never speak to me again!
I was livid and as I was pulling out of the driveway, I hit the neighbors flower bed and scratched the car.
He said he was going to call the police on me! So, I said I was going to go to a hotel and he told me if I didn’t come right home he was never going to see me again EVER.
He called me and told me he loved me more than anything and I went back for the night. I was in no shape to drive or leave. So I cried myself to sleep. But, I am not well. I told him that I am simply not okay. I broke down. Badly. I collapsed in tears and told him that I am simply NOT OKAY. That I need help. And I felt that I really did.
I was a wreck. An absolute wreck when he told me that if I left that he would NEVER speak to me again. He does that habitually! He said the fact that I left the house so quickly shows that I am wrestling with guilt or something and that I don’t love him.
Talk about a complete disaster – I am not holding up well at all. I need to get help.
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Lou2U
Guest
This doesn’t have to be your life. You have control over it. Don’t go back to him, don’t answer his calls. He physically threatened you, he emotionally manipulates you. You know he manipulates you when he speaks to you, so don’t give him the opportunity. You know what he does. You don’t owe him anything, you don’t have to prove anything to him. You have control, not him. And you do not have to accept it.
You may feel like you can’t be without him but you can. You were without him for all of your life before you met him. You will be again. But you need to do it. No excuses for him. No excuses for you. You need to leave him because you know what he does - abuses - and you know what he is - an abuser. Please make sure you have some off-line help.
Lou
You may feel like you can’t be without him but you can. You were without him for all of your life before you met him. You will be again. But you need to do it. No excuses for him. No excuses for you. You need to leave him because you know what he does - abuses - and you know what he is - an abuser. Please make sure you have some off-line help.
Lou
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