Need guidance in marriage

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rivera01

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Hi everyone I would like to ask for guidance prayers. I am still going thru a tough situation in my marriage, my wife has been sleeping in a different room now for about 3 months. We have had a big problem that has caused our married life to be “sepreated”. We have been married for almost 6 years and together for 8. During the first 4 years of our being together, I have not been a very good husband. I have negelcted her and her needs, i have been selfish emotionally and physically. I have not caused her physical harm, but I have mistreated her emotionally. I have caused her so much grief during the early years that now she still sees me as her husband but not a “full” husband, if that makes sense. It has been 3 years that i have seen the error of my ways, and believe me that this caused me so much pain and grief. I feel into a depression that seemed endless. Now, thank God, I have learned to cope with that depression, but the painful memories and emotions are still there. She has changed in the last 3 years, before, I would get home and she would leave to her mother’s house or a friends house; this was 3 years ago. She did this because she could not tolerate being in the same place as i was… Now we can talk easily, and go out with each other, although the conversation about our marriage is avoided because I already know what her answer is going to be. Even though we can now do this, she still carries resentment toward be because of what I put her thru. She will bring up things from the past once ina while and I can hear her anger and frustration in what she is telling me, which of course is understandable. She told me that she does not wish for her feeling toward me to be as they were when we first got together, because she thinks that I may take advantage of this. I have told her repeatedly that things have changed with me, that I do not want to go thru the same hell I have gone thru for the last almost 4 years. She recognizes that I have changed and I am a different person than what she saw when we were first starting, but she does not want to give me a chance. She told me before that she would pray for me so I can see the damage i was doing to her emotionally and for me to open my eyes. Now that God has granted her this, she is the one that has given up on us. I have been praying continously for the last 3 years for her to have a change in heart, so I can once again have a great relationship with her. I have prayed for God to heal her heart and for her to give me another chance. I still love her very deeply, I wish I had her love and affection, I feel empty inside since I have lost that which made me happy before. It’s not about sex, this is secondary to what I would really like. Every time I see an elderly couple holding hands, I almost want to cry because I would love to have what they have in their marriage. It hurts me so much that I can not have this, even though I know that I have caused my marriage to be as it is. I have talked to her before about attending counseling, or going to a retrouvaille, but she does not want to go. Every thime i would bring this up her response would be, " Now you do want to go, now that I cant feel anything toward you, but when I told you in the past for us to go you would ignore me". Even though everything seems bleak, I still have hopes that things will be different. My wife told me that she had a private revelation once, she heard a voice tell her that the day will come that she will regret what she is doing with our marriage, and that He will send a love so big that she would not be able to fill me. She did not want to pay too much attention to this because she is not sure where this message is from. i had some private revelations as well, but I dont want to linger in them too much, because they were just dreams. In one dream I saw a burning tree in our back yard that was not being consumed by the flames, just like moses. And i heard a voice tell me not to worry, that soon all these problems will soon end, and what i have longed for will come true. Today I woke up with a good feeling in my heart, as if some one is telling me that things will be better soon. I really dont want to pay too much attention to this because I dont want to be dissappointed if they do not. This is why I am asking for guidance. Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to give you all some history of how things are between me and my wife so you can get a clearer picture of what is going on.

Thank you so much brothers and sisters in Christ our Lord
 
You two have been through so much … I will pray that God will bring healing to both of you, so that you can move forward with a revitalized and rejuvenated marriage.

:gopray:
 
Tell us what it is you want her to do, because the OP kinda lost me.
 
Ok Let me see if i can edit this so it makes more sense.

Hi everyone I would like to ask for guidance prayers. I am still going thru a tough situation in my marriage, my wife has been sleeping in a different room now for about 3 months. We have had a big problem that has caused our married life to be “sepreated”. We have been married for almost 6 years and together for 8.

The reason this happened is because, during the first 4 years of our being together, I have not been a very good husband. I have negelcted her and her needs, i have been selfish emotionally and physically. I have not caused her physical harm, but I have mistreated her emotionally. I have caused her so much grief during the early years that now she still sees me as her husband but not a “full” husband, if that makes sense.

It has been 3 years that i have seen the error of my ways, and believe me, this caused me so much pain and grief when I opened my eyes to what i was doing. I feel into a depression that seemed endless. Now, thank God, I have learned to cope with that depression, but the painful memories and emotions are still there.

She has changed in the last 3 years, before, I would get home and she would leave to her mother’s house or a friends house; this was 3 years ago. She did this because she could not tolerate being in the same place as i was… Now we can talk easily, and go out with each other, although the conversation about our marriage is avoided because I already know what her answer is going to be. Even though we can now do this, she still carries resentment toward be because of what I put her thru. She will bring up things from the past once in a while and I can hear her anger and frustration in what she is telling me, which of course is understandable. She told me that she does not wish for her feeling toward me be as they were when we first got together, because she thinks that I may take advantage of her and do the same thigs all over again. I have told her repeatedly that things have changed with me, that I do not want to go thru the same hell I have gone thru for the last almost 4 years. She recognizes that I have changed and I am a different person than what she saw when we were first starting, but she does not want to give me a chance.

These are the things that have happened to us before and during our seperated state. She told me before that she would pray for me so I can see the damage i was doing to her emotionally and for me to open my eyes. Now that God has granted her this, she is the one that has given up on us. I have been praying continously for the last 3 years for her to have a change in heart, so I can once again have a great relationship with her. I have prayed for God to heal her heart and for her to give me another chance. I still love her very deeply, I wish I had her love and affection, I feel empty inside since I have lost that which made me happy before. It’s not about sex, this is secondary to what I would really like. It hurts me so much that I can not have this, even though I know that I have caused my marriage to be as it is. I have talked to her before about attending counseling, or going to a retrouvaille, but she does not want to go. Every thime i would bring this up her response would be, " Now you do want to go, now that I cant feel anything toward you, but when I told you in the past for us to go you would ignore me". Even though everything seems bleak, I still have hopes that things will be different.

This part of the post are what has occured to us from private revelations. But I dont want to build my hopes up and be dissapointed. My wife told me that she had a private revelation once, she heard a voice tell her that the day will come that she will regret what she is doing with our marriage, and that He will send a love so big that she would not be able to fill me. She did not want to pay too much attention to this because she is not sure where this message is from. I had some private revelations as well, but I dont want to linger in them too much, because they were just dreams. In one dream I saw a burning tree in our back yard that was not being consumed by the flames, just like moses. I heard a voice tell me not to worry, that soon all these problems will end, and what i have longed for will come true. Today I woke up with a good feeling in my heart, as if some one is telling me that things will be better soon. I really dont want to pay too much attention to this because I dont want to be dissappointed if they do not. So basically I am asking for advice on said private revelations, should I be hopeful with these revelations and see this as God’s promise? This is why I am asking for guidance.

I hope that this makes more sense now. Oh and as far as the retrouvaille post this answers that: I have talked to her before about attending counseling, or going to a retrouvaille, but she does not want to go. Every thime i would bring this up her response would be, " Now you do want to go, now that I cant feel anything toward you, but when I told you in the past for us to go you would ignore me". Otherwise, thank you. I know that if she would accept I would really jump on that and book the next class immediately, but sadly this is not an option at the time being.
 
This must make you so sad… It seems like she is having the reaction of the brother of the prodigal son - “Why should I be happy that you’ve returned, and now rejoice with you, when I’ve been faithful this whole time?” It is the wrong reaction. It is also a very understandable, human one.
And which prophet was it (was it Jeremiah?) who, after telling the city, “Repent, repent!” actually became angry after the city made a complete turn-around, repented, and was accepted back into God’s favor. The prophet wanted to see a little more weeping and gnashing of the teeth, perhaps - a little more punishment. It would have made him feel better, made him feel like justice was satisfied. That prophet had the same shock of the workers in the vineyard, who worked a twelve-hour day and were given the same amount of pay as the ones who worked a one-hour day… God’s ways are not our ways. His love is radical, and so different from ours. Perhaps your wife is just having the normal, human reaction. Only grace can help us love in GOD’s ways.
Also, continue to keep that hope alive in you! When it comes to your dreams, just remember the Bible verse - “I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans to prosper, and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.”
And Jesus isn’t the only one to help your wife with the healing process. Continue to romance her, to be as gentle and tender as you can. Maybe this is also YOUR opportunity to love as Jesus loves - to continue giving even when you don’t seem to be getting anything back. It may take her a while, but I think you both could share a lot of love together. Just remember that once people get hurt, it is hard for them to learn to trust again. And before a woman can offer her love and affection, she must feel completely safe and secure. She must be sure that the person will not wound her. But teach her to trust you again! It is possible. Show her you’ll never hurt her again, to the extent of your powers. Be a man of God for her.
I will pray that forgiveness will be complete in both of you! I think you have a happy future ahead of you!
 
Thank you very much for your response. I feel more confident with the answers that have been provided. I just feel that it is almost impossible at times due to the circumstances that have occured. I know that, that seems impossible for man, to God it is all possible. I know that it is going to take some time for me to gain what I have lost, but I can remain diligent in my prayers and continue to show her that things are different with me. I really hope that God will come to my rescue in this hard time.
 
retrouvaille.org/

I second this recommendation. My DH and I are doing this. It is helping immensely to build the trust.

Perserverence is key for you . Keep being the best husband you can be under the limitations she has set for you. Hopefully she will experience healing of the past hurts and be more open to you . Get couseling to help with some of the issues you had.
 
2 things… I can tell by your posting that you are genuine. You are hurting and rightfully so…,
1.) Go see the movie Fireproof. It’s movie is strikingly similar to your case. It might serve as an inspiration for you.
2.) Spend at least half of the time that you’ve spent on this forums in genuine prayer. Pray for her, bring your problems to God. We can offer advice but it is God that can lovingly nudge her heart towards you. I’ve noticed from my own problems sometimes that there are a few people on this and other sites that offer Godly advice. But there are others that are clouded by their own hurt and anger. But we know that God never fails us. The truth in his word and our Church says do not give up on your marriage. No matter the struggle, it is holy and sacred. Stand for it…We are here to support and pray for you.

Don’t give up!
 
A new marriage is like a new car… how you drive it the first 500 miles will have a lot to do with how well it runs for the life of the automobile.

You obviously did something to violate her sense of trust. She sounds very afraid that if she trusts you again and you are manipulating her (if you did in the past and she fell for it) that she will be hurt twice as much for falling for it again.

You must earn her trust back.

The ONLY way to do that is to be trustworthy. each. and. every. day.

For every year she exercised patience and didn’t walk out on you for all the things you did to violate her trust in you, you need to give at least that much earning back her trust. She may not be deliberately punishing you. She just may fear being deceived that much ever again.

Only when you have really done that restoration of trust over a period of years can you decide whether there is hope or not.

You must bind up the wounds you created. But you’re dealing with a patient who doesn’t trust your motives.

The fact she is still in your house is hopeful. But it sounds like that song “Send in the Clowns.” “Isn’t it rich. Are we a pair. Me here at last on the ground, you in mid-air.”

Maybe she is afraid you only want what you can’t have and now that she is unavailable to you, you want her. But if she were to be vulnerable to you again, then the challenge would be over and you’d revert to your old ways.

Telling her you’ve changed isn’t enough. You have to show her. And that will take a while.

Good luck.
 
Thank you all for your suggestions. I havent given up on my marriage and I plan on fighting for it till the very end. I talked to my wife today and asked her if she thinks that God can change the situation that we live in right now. She said no because she doesn’t feel anything toward me, but resentment and feels uninterested toward me. I asked her why is she carrying resentment toward me if she knows this is not good to do. She said she knows and doesn’t care if it is good or not, but this is what is making her a stronger woman to face anyone who may want to take advantage of her. I felt my heart sink, because I could feel the pain that she is carrying. I could sense the despair that she holds on to something that is a false good and a false support. I just said to myself that one day, I know God will change this in her heart and she will be like the prodigal child. I really am going to work extra hard in my prayers for her. I know there are things I can do to show her things are different as well. Is there a patron saint for this type of situations? Again, I ask for all of your prayers.

Thank you
 
I will keep you in my prayers. Sorry to read this, rivera. 😦 Your wife sounds indifferent to you and the marriage at this point. That is actually a worse state for her to be in, that angry/sad, because at least she was willing to work on things. What happens to people when they are hurt over and over–is they develop a thicker skin so as not to ever get hurt again. Your wife has done this–she is not so much afraid of being hurt by you, as much as she has grown indifferent. Like if you stay fine, if you leave her, fine. I would keep pressing her to go to counseling…in a kind and loving way, of course. I think there is hope, but you have to break through the wall that YOU have helped build around her. Yes, you can pray for her…but if you had mistreated her for a number of years, it might take a number of years for your wife to come back to you fully…With God all things are possible. Hang in there…don’t give up hope. But, hoepfully, this will help you to better understand where your wife’s head is at. I’m merely speculating not knowing either of you–but I think she sounds indifferent to me, because if she starts feeling again, she will THEN be afraid that you might take advantage of that.

You should seek counseling on your own, too…to ensure that you won’t ever hurt her like you did in the past. I will keep you both in my prayers.
 
rivera01 said:
Thank you all for your suggestions. I havent given up on my marriage and I plan on fighting for it till the very end. I talked to my wife today and asked her if she thinks that God can change the situation that we live in right now. She said no because she doesn’t feel anything toward me, but resentment and feels uninterested toward me. I asked her why is she carrying resentment toward me if she knows this is not good to do. She said she knows and doesn’t care if it is good or not, but this is what is making her a stronger woman to face anyone who may want to take advantage of her. I felt my heart sink, because I could feel the pain that she is carrying. I could sense the despair that she holds on to something that is a false good and a false support. I just said to myself that one day, I know God will change this in her heart and she will be like the prodigal child. I really am going to work extra hard in my prayers for her. I know there are things I can do to show her things are different as well. Is there a patron saint for this type of situations? Again, I ask for all of your prayers.

Thank you
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I know how your wife feels to some degree. Call up your local Retrouvaille representative and get a pamphlet and give it to your wife and tell her you’d like to try it. Of course talk to the representative and make sure you are willing to commit to the program as well. Seems like you are.
Your wife might say no. But you will have planted a seed. Wait and see what happens. Keep watering it and fertilizing it with your good behavior . Then ask again . Get another pamphlet or email her the address .
 
St. Jude is the patron saint of the hopeless. Pray to him.

I understand how your wife feels, I am in her same situation. The fact that she is still in your home means she has not given up completely. But, it really is hard to make your self vulnerable again to someone who hurt you so deeply. I love my husband and I do forgive him for the pain he caused, but…I am afraid of being hurt again. I pray everyday to be able to trust him again. It just takes time.

I’ve seen what happens if you don’t let it go. My father was an alcoholic, not abusive in any way, but he drank ALOT, for many years. My mother was given the task of raising me and my brothers and sisters, basically as a single parent. My father did finally stop drinking, the last 10 or so years of his life. But, my mother never forgave him. She held it against him everyday. I asked him about it one time, because it would make me mad. He said he hurt her for the first 25 years of their marriage and if it takes the next 25 he will make it up to her. He never stopped showing her how much he loved her and how sorry he was. Regrettably he died before she could forgive him. It has been 17 years now since he passed, and now SHE regrets never having “let it go”. That is a worse pain to live with, which is why I pray so hard for my husband and I.

And, I will pray for your wife.
 
I too am like your wife. My DH is an alcoholic, but isn’t drinking right now. We spent seven months in an in house separation that I instituted to protect myself until he could decide to quit drinking.

I have moved back into the bedroom, but it was short lived. We are once again separated for all intents and purposes, in that we are living as roommates, not husband and wife. While I’m the one who has instituted the separation, I am praying for the changes in my DH again. I am ready for our marriage to work, but I want both of us to be working on it and not just me, which is in line with your end of your separation.

I know the pain your wife is feeling and I will pray for you and for her. I hope you are seeking counsel of your own either from your priest or from a professional or both.

I got advice from a wonderful person who told me to be still and wait. God is working in both of our lives and He will change things in His time, not mine.
 
gambino said:
2 things… I can tell by your posting that you are genuine. You are hurting and rightfully so…,
1.) Go see the movie Fireproof. It’s movie is strikingly similar to your case. It might serve as an inspiration for you.
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Definitely go see the movie Fireproof. Also, visit their website: www.fireproofmymarriage.com. LOTS of great resources, including the Love Dare book featured in the film.

Good Luck!
 
Thank you all for your support. I am really struggling still with this whole situation. There are times that I feel very desperate and that there is really no hope anymore. My wife keeps on telling me that things between us are over. She is not going to interfere in my life and she doesnt want me to interfere in hers. I talk to God and tell him that I know that I deserve what I did to her. I know that everything that I put my wife through was unjust and she did not deserve to be hurt. And out of love I am willing to pay for what I did to her. But this whole situation seems impossible. She tells me that she no longer loves me and doesnt care enough to make this work. I really dont even know what to do any longer. I pray to God to have compassion over me because I am suffering, I pray to shed light in her heart so she can see that her way of thinking is not right, that we have 3 beautiful children together that need us both. I plead to Him to end this rut that we are both stuck in and to let love grow once more. But there are also times that I ask Him that if we are not mean to be together, then to let the love i have die because there are times that I cant bare this pain any longer, even though I do deserve it. I just dont know any more.
 
rivera01 said:
Thank you all for your support. I am really struggling still with this whole situation. There are times that I feel very desperate and that there is really no hope anymore. My wife keeps on telling me that things between us are over. She is not going to interfere in my life and she doesnt want me to interfere in hers. I talk to God and tell him that I know that I deserve what I did to her. I know that everything that I put my wife through was unjust and she did not deserve to be hurt. And out of love I am willing to pay for what I did to her. But this whole situation seems impossible. She tells me that she no longer loves me and doesnt care enough to make this work. I really dont even know what to do any longer. I pray to God to have compassion over me because I am suffering, I pray to shed light in her heart so she can see that her way of thinking is not right, that we have 3 beautiful children together that need us both. I plead to Him to end this rut that we are both stuck in and to let love grow once more. But there are also times that I ask Him that if we are not mean to be together, then to let the love i have die because there are times that I cant bare this pain any longer, even though I do deserve it. I just dont know any more.
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Do you have any reason to suspect an affair on her part?

If not I suggest you spend your time re-earning her love. You need to fulfill her emotional needs. Do you know what they are?
 
There are seven stages to healing:
  1. Shock and denial - my DH can’t be doing this to me; I must be doing something wrong. Is this really my marriage?
  2. Pain and Guilt - Why has he hurt me so much? Why won’t he go to counselling with me? What have I done?
  3. Anger - Now he wants to go to counselling? How dare he do this to me! I have been through so much pain already. I can’t go through anymore! How dare he do this!!! It’s not just!!!
  4. Depression, reflection, loneliness - Even though he says he loves me, I feel so hopeless. I don’t love him anymore…I’ve lost all of my passion. I just don’t have it in me anymore. I just feel at a stand still. I have no energy to do anything. I feel alone, isolated and lost. My husband says he loves me, but I can’t believe him anymore…I can’t. I have nothing left to give! I am empty!
  5. Realization - maybe he has really changed? Maybe he does really love me. It has been x years now that he has been kind to me and maybe we can go to counselling together. Maybe we can work on this. I’m not sure if I can do this though. I need to take this one day at a time. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love him again. I don’t know if our marriage will work, but maybe we can try.
  6. Reconstruction of life - counselling; willingness to work on the relationship.
  7. Acceptance and Hope - accept that he loves me; beginning to develop a love for him again; willing to make myself vulnerable again.
From what you have written in your posts, your wife is at stage 4.

She has a ways to go before she will be ready to forgive you. You are going to have to be kind and patient for as long as it takes.

Another poster said be like Jesus…love like Jesus…that’s what you are going to have to do. She’s not ready for therapy until she begins to enter stage 5. She’s not there yet. You need to pray and be a saint to her. Show her God’s love.

You are going to have to work every day at this until she’s ready to leave stage 4.
 
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