Need guidance in marriage

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How you treat your wife during this process will either validate her reasons for leaving or make her doubt it down the line.

Continue to try to be her “Friend.” She seems to have issues that predated the marriage.

I know priests who say they have remarried couples who have divorced. But as the other poster said, in the meantime, put the kids first. Be generous with your wife. Whatever money you give her ultimately benefits your children. I say that as a single mom without a generous ex.

And how you treat your wife through this will ultimately bring you closer to your children or drive them away.

I’m sorry for you. This is very sad. Saddest for the children.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
How you treat your wife during this process will either validate her reasons for leaving or make her doubt it down the line.

Continue to try to be her “Friend.” She seems to have issues that predated the marriage.

And how you treat your wife through this will ultimately bring you closer to your children or drive them away.

QUOTE]
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I second the above. It is so important that you be a good person through this. Be a role model for your children. Especially if you have a daughter!!! Show them what a man is. Show them that a man can change and become a better person.

Your wife has other issues that are contributing to her actions. It’s not all your fault. You have taken accountability for your part, so don’t punish yourself anymore.

Be a friend to your wife through all of this - if you truly love her, you’ll want what’s best for her. Your children will benefit from all of this and you will respect yourself and love yourself more.

This life is not about money, houses, cars, expensive watches…it’s about love, kindness, compassion, suffering, etc. Whatever suffering you experience in this life is well worth eternity with God.
 
I agree with everyone else, and praying that things get better. Sadly, even when God forgives us…and we have forgiven ourselves of things we have done to hurt others, we still have to walk through the consequences of what we did. This, being your wife’s mistrust of you. I don’t think she has ‘hatred,’ it’s more fear of letting her guard down again…only time, and you exhibiting a changed self towards her and life, will help her to trust you again.

Words are good, actions are always better…and time does heal wounds. In her case, the damage could be to the point where she just lost something along the way, during the years when you weren’t kind to her. Again, time will tell…trust is a choice, and you seem to be trying very hard to show her, you have changed. But, she has to consciously make a choice to let go of the pain, and come closer to you again. I will pray that this happens…Good luck, and keep praying and loving your wife. 🙂
 
I am sorry for the brokeness in your marriage. God did not intend this for married couples and it has been so painful for you both.

I would recommend that you go to counseling on your own. I understand your wife does not want to go at this time. Find a Christian counselor and make an appointment. Tell her you are going to individual counseling in hopes of improving yourself. Give her the business card and say no more. It is for her to take the step. In some situations, I have seen this move get the other spouse to a counselor, even if their first intentions were not pure. (ie- they go out of pressure or feel threatened, and then go with the intention of defending themselves.) Individual counseling can do a few things:
  • Help you understand where *you *are failing and how to leave these bad patterns behind (often learned from family). Move on from it, and let that guilt go.
  • Help you learn coping methods when your spouse is being unhealthy.
  • Help communicate to your spouse through your actions of accountability to build trust again. You may also, once you identify your shortcomings clearly with a therapist, go to your priest and enlist his help. Tell him where you are trying to grow, and ask to meet with him weekly to discuss this. Accountability.
You cannot force her to let go of her resentment. You can only improve yourself, guard against unneeded perpetual hurtfulness, and be the one to restore health. This is a very difficult cross to bear, but it is our duties as spouses. Infuse love, responsibility for yourself and to her, and stop acting like you deserve to be the object of what is now her poor behavior.

Best wishes in restoring the love. It can be wonderful if you are patient, kind, persistant, strong, and do not allow poor behavior from yourself or your wife in a loving way.
 
i haven’t had a chance to read all of the replies yet but this is my point of view:
your wife needs to learn how to forgive. she won’t forget but she can forgive.
your situation sounds similar to mine but my DH has yet to see the error of his ways. not that i am perfect but he is emotionally abusive and neglects his wife and 2 daughters. he was raised catholic but does not practice since he left home. he despises my faith and refuses to address our problems or admit we have any. i have forgiven him for all the hurt and lies he has put us through and your wife needs to do the same to ever find happiness. you are in my prayers!
 
Thank you all for your advice and prayers. I would really appreciate if your prayers continue. My wife gave me two forms yesterday, one that i have to sign and notorize and a second about child custody. When I saw these it just broke my heart. What made it worse is yesterday we were watching a movie together and my kids came over and sat on my lap and beside me and all 3 of them told me they loved me. I asked my oldest if he wanted me to leave and he said no because he loves me. I just started to imagine how life is going to be for them, and it just keeps breaking my heart. I know that they are the ones that are going to suffer because of the selfishness and unforgivness that is happening right now. I asked my wife to look for couseling and her reply was not to interfere in her life, that she knows what she is going to do and doesnt need me. Im feeling really depressed, my body is rejecting food and liquids. I try to take in nourishement, but all this just makes me less capable of doing so. I just feel that the eminent is unavoidable. I know that God can still act, that He can make things to change even at the last minute, but my hopes are slowly dwindling. I havent stopped praying, and I will continue to do so.
 
rivera01 said:
Thank you all for your advice and prayers. I would really appreciate if your prayers continue. My wife gave me two forms yesterday, one that i have to sign and notorize and a second about child custody. When I saw these it just broke my heart. What made it worse is yesterday we were watching a movie together and my kids came over and sat on my lap and beside me and all 3 of them told me they loved me. I asked my oldest if he wanted me to leave and he said no because he loves me. I just started to imagine how life is going to be for them, and it just keeps breaking my heart. I know that they are the ones that are going to suffer because of the selfishness and unforgivness that is happening right now. I asked my wife to look for couseling and her reply was not to interfere in her life, that she knows what she is going to do and doesnt need me. Im feeling really depressed, my body is rejecting food and liquids. I try to take in nourishement, but all this just makes me less capable of doing so. I just feel that the eminent is unavoidable. I know that God can still act, that He can make things to change even at the last minute, but my hopes are slowly dwindling. I havent stopped praying, and I will continue to do so.
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Please remember that God will help you along the way, but he cannot control your wife’s free will to act how she feels is necessary for her well being.

God can give you the strength to carry on and be a good father to your children.

This reminds me of my mother when she left. She was really selfish and self-absorbed. I still really resent the way she left and expected me to just accept it as though it was her right to leave. Yes it was her right, but a child does not understand when their life is torn apart and upsidedown.

Don’t be like my mother. Don’t neglect your children.

**IMPORTANT: ** demand joint custody. Don’t let your wife allow you to only see your children on weekends. That’s awful for them and you. Make sure that you receive joint custody - 50/50 of the time between you and your wife.

Don’t let your wife leave with the children until you have agreed on a custody agreement. If she leaves with the children and you do nothing, you will lose custody of them - by contract law, your actions show that you are in agreement.

If you wife leaves with the children without a custody agreement, you must call the police and file a report. This is the ONLY way you will obtain your rightful custody of your children.

This is such important information that most men do not know and then they end up seeing their children every other weekend while they are calling some other man “daddy”. Don’t let this happen to you.

I’m sorry if this scares you, but this is your legal right and those children need their father just as much as they need their mother!

I will pray for you!
 
I hope you are doing better. Be strong. Would like to share today’s reading. I hope your wife is still going to mass, and hears this too. All you can do, my friend, is pray and state your case, and make sure you are living to the best of your ability to move towards grace. Peace be with you.

Isaiah 43:18-25

18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

20 The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the desert
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,

21 the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.

22 "Yet you have not called upon me, O Jacob,
you have not wearied yourselves for me, O Israel.

23 You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,
nor honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with grain offerings
nor wearied you with demands for incense.

24 You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me,
or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins
and wearied me with your offenses.

25 "I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.
 
Well everyone, I have want to share new events that have happened to me. I went to talk to a priest and he explained to me that hope is not lost. There is great amount of hope yet because she just filed for divorce, and in the next few months it will be up to me to show her how important my wife is to me. I know someone else has mentioned this earlier in the post. The priest told me that he has seen couples in similar situations like me, even to the point of the divorce almost being completed, where the couples have remained married. In the past week, I was feeling depressed, lonely, and stressed. I couldnt hold food or drink in, today I feel as if God has lifted me from that deep dark hole and I feel that He wants to help me. What he has told me is that it is going to take a big effort in my part since I was the one that caused this pain to her. He told me not to give up hope, and to keep on praying. I know that part of the problem with us, and why we got to the point that we are in is because we have fallen away from the church. The priest advised me to start going to church again, to take my children along and if my wife does not want to go, to not give up hope. It is the change and prayer that will help. I am asking for the Lord to take control of my life, to guide me thru this terrible situation. I know that with my actions in the past, I have shown my wife that she does not matter to me, but I dont want to give up with out trying. I dont want depression to end my life with out me trying to fight. When I got back from church, I told my wife that I am not giving up on us, and that I will continue to fight because she is important to me, what we have created in the last 9 years, good or bad, is still worth fighting for.
 
From heartbreak to hope. Stay strong my friend. I was about to say get a lawyer, but clearly the Priest is giving the best advise. It is amazing what a thank you, I’m sorry or I’m praying for us means.

I have heard other people talk positive about this: retrouvaille.org/ you can find locations and dates easily on there. Maybe others can comment on Retroubaille?

Definitely go to church every Sunday and go to confession for the missed masses before THIS Sunday! Start it out right. I cannot say what daily mass has done for me personally. Not that I go every day, but it really helps start the day right, it is quick and powerful.

YBIC
rivera01 said:
Well everyone, I have want to share new events that have happened to me. I went to talk to a priest and he explained to me that hope is not lost. There is great amount of hope yet because she just filed for divorce, and in the next few months it will be up to me to show her how important my wife is to me. I know someone else has mentioned this earlier in the post. The priest told me that he has seen couples in similar situations like me, even to the point of the divorce almost being completed, where the couples have remained married. In the past week, I was feeling depressed, lonely, and stressed. I couldnt hold food or drink in, today I feel as if God has lifted me from that deep dark hole and I feel that He wants to help me. What he has told me is that it is going to take a big effort in my part since I was the one that caused this pain to her. He told me not to give up hope, and to keep on praying. I know that part of the problem with us, and why we got to the point that we are in is because we have fallen away from the church. The priest advised me to start going to church again, to take my children along and if my wife does not want to go, to not give up hope. It is the change and prayer that will help. I am asking for the Lord to take control of my life, to guide me thru this terrible situation. I know that with my actions in the past, I have shown my wife that she does not matter to me, but I dont want to give up with out trying. I dont want depression to end my life with out me trying to fight. When I got back from church, I told my wife that I am not giving up on us, and that I will continue to fight because she is important to me, what we have created in the last 9 years, good or bad, is still worth fighting for.
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I’m so happy that you spoke to your priest. That’s great and he gave you advice from experience.

I will pray and hope that your situation gets better!
 
I’m resurrecting this old thread, because I feel that I have to share what has occured in my life since this last post. It’s been over a year since these events, and although I have read some of my posts on this thread, I can’t help but feel that I am a stronger person now. I don’t know how many people I will touch with this post, only God knows, but my goal is to show that there is hope even in the darkest of times.

Like I mentioned, it’s been over a year since these events took place. In late March I found out about an affair, I finally decided to give up on everything. Even though this was the most selfish and self centered act I could have done in my marriage, I just decided to let it all end because my depresion was so great that it felt unbareable. I tried commiting suicide twice on that day, but nothing took. The last attempt on that day was me taking a bunch of sleeping pills, with lots of tylenol, and alcohol. But I trully have God to thank because, this didnt even give me a stomach ache. It did nothing to me. My guardian angel was protecting me from harm.

Our seperation happened on that same day. And all I can remember during that time is me being really depressed, to the point where I felt like my mind was about to break. I was starting to lose sense of everything. I cried alot and felt all alone in this world. I felt as if God didn’t even notice me.

In June I received my divorce finalization papers. This broke my heart even more. But things were different by that time, because early April I started going back to Church. I started going to the prayer group in my parish. Even though I was still going through these difficult times, I now know that this was the means for God to call me back to Him.

I had been praying the rosary daily, and asked our Lady to intercede for my wife and me. I asked her for the conversion of my wife, and to end the affair.

My wife started talking to me in early July, and our communication was better than it was before. She told me she had ended the affair. I gave thanks to God and our Lady for that. But I was still living alone, and had the remnants of depresion going on still.

I stopped feeling sorry for myself and my situation in September. But I still prayed for my wife’s conversion, offered sacrifices for her as well. I started to serve in Church, then I became an Altar Server and an EMHC. Serving Him was the biggest joy I have had during this difficult time.

Now in the present. We still have great communication with each other, I see the kids regulary, and live a chaste life style. Prior to our seperation, we had stopped having sex for 2 years, and this was due to her rejecting me. So I have been living chastely for 3 years now. It has been hard, but it was not impossible to acheive. I’m living a more spiritual life, and I find no grater fulfillment in my life than serving Him. I dont plan on getting married or engage in any relationships, because I am still married before the Church. I recognize that when my wife and I said I do at the altar, we werent 2 people getting married, but 3. And because of Him, I have decided to live a chaste life, because I am being faithful to our covenant for Him. My wife is starting to go back to Church as well, she is starting to change, and lots of the negative things that have occured in her life are starting to heal. She can be around me now, and is going to serve this weekend with me at a spiritual retreat that our parish is organizing. Although I am not saying that she is going to come back to me, my only wish is for her to convert to God, wether she comes back or not. I am more interested in her accepting God in her life and to live a life that is pleasing to Him. I know think back on my life, if I had the chance to change things in my life I wouldn’t, because if it were not for those situations, I would not be where I am at now.

So there is hope, there is a light that shines in the middle of that darkness. We just have to keep on praying, keep on fighting and not give up. Because, as Saint Paul says, who ever loses hope, loses everything.

In Christ,
Rivera01
 
Good luck to you rivera. If I were in your shoes, I would be certain to have the WHOLE truth about the affair from your wife before considering any reconciliation. You may find out this was the initial cause of the destruction of your marriage.

Blessings to you both.
 
Dear Rivera01:

I am so sorry for all that has happened. You know it is possible to reconcile and re-marry, my best friend’s parents did! HOPE! Your hope is in the Lord, not in this life.

May I ask you, what was it that happened in your marriage to cause you two to be separated in the home to begin with and sleep in separate rooms? I never got any hint of what it was. Would you mind saying? Just not fulfilling her needs? I don’t understand. Was there something more?

How long was it until she moved out? I didn’t see where you mentioned this…

Never give up hope…There is always hope with the Lord in any circumstance. You are most admirable for sticking by your conviction, but also, if you are divorced, that was her choice, not yours, so you are free to date again if you want to and even re-marry one day. I would not live your life being miserable!

Peace
 
Dear Rivera, as you told us above, you know that a civil divorce does not mean that you are free to date. You are still married in the eyes of God. I commend you for the witness you are giving to Christian marriage, by honoring your marriage vows even after civil divorce. If there is a chance of reconciliation go for it, otherwise you should consider applying for an annulment for both of yours sakes.
 
There were many reasons that things got to the point where we were sleeping in seperate rooms. Please keep in mind that this was me before the Lord came into my life, I am the complete opposite now 👍.

I was selfish, neglectful, egotistical, I would belittle her, make her feel worthless, I would let others tell me what I had to do in my marriage before even considering what she had to say. Needless to say, all these things started piling up for her and it got to the point where it ended in divorce.

She now sees that my change is genuine, she sees that I am a completly different person now. I have never asked her to come back to me since she left. This was the biggest part of my pain that I was going through last year. That I had to shut my self up, completly disregard what I wanted, in order for her to heal. During this time, I finally was able to understand what real love is, it is sacrifice. I understood what it is to live a sacramental marriage, even though I am alone. She has brought up the subject of coming back, but she doesnt want to because she fears that things will be the same or worse. I can understand why she feels that way. But I have seen God’s hand in my life, I have seen Him changing things. I do have hope of her coming back, but ultimately I want to do what He wants, not what I want. If it is His desire for me to live as I am now, then so be it. As long as my wife converts to Him, I would be happy.

Honestly, if the Church was able to grant me an annulment, I wouldnt start another relationship, I pursue a religous life. I feel a calling to the deaconate, but considering my current situation, I don’t know how God is going to work that out, if it is His calling. If I would be able to become a priest, man, that would the the ultimate for me :D. But, ultimately it is all in His hands.
 
rivera01 said:
There were many reasons that things got to the point where we were sleeping in seperate rooms. Please keep in mind that this was me before the Lord came into my life, I am the complete opposite now 👍.

I was selfish, neglectful, egotistical, I would belittle her, make her feel worthless, I would let others tell me what I had to do in my marriage before even considering what she had to say. Needless to say, all these things started piling up for her and it got to the point where it ended in divorce.

She now sees that my change is genuine, she sees that I am a completly different person now. I have never asked her to come back to me since she left. This was the biggest part of my pain that I was going through last year. That I had to shut my self up, completly disregard what I wanted, in order for her to heal. During this time, I finally was able to understand what real love is, it is sacrifice. I understood what it is to live a sacramental marriage, even though I am alone. She has brought up the subject of coming back, but she doesnt want to because she fears that things will be the same or worse. I can understand why she feels that way. But I have seen God’s hand in my life, I have seen Him changing things. I do have hope of her coming back, but ultimately I want to do what He wants, not what I want. If it is His desire for me to live as I am now, then so be it. As long as my wife converts to Him, I would be happy.

Honestly, if the Church was able to grant me an annulment, I wouldnt start another relationship, I pursue a religous life. I feel a calling to the deaconate, but considering my current situation, I don’t know how God is going to work that out, if it is His calling. If I would be able to become a priest, man, that would the the ultimate for me :D. But, ultimately it is all in His hands.
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I am so sorry for you. Unfortunately our behaviors we choose DO affect others. As a wife of a sex addict and adulteror, who is choosing to not get help, I know. It is simply too late for me now too, just too much hurt. This has happened with your wife as well. It’s like a huge gaping wound which scar tissue has lightly healed over. Why take the chance of having it ripped open and bleeding again?

You will be able to heal as well. Just one day at a time. Maybe you can be an example now with all you have learned to other men. God can use your mistakes to help other married men and USE YOU~! for good.
 
rivera01 said:
I’m resurrecting this old thread, because I feel that I have to share what has occured in my life since this last post… But things were different by that time, because early April I started going back to Church… My wife is starting to go back to Church as well, she is starting to change, and lots of the negative things that have occured in her life are starting to heal… Although I am not saying that she is going to come back to me, my only wish is for her to convert to God, wether she comes back or not…I now think back on my life, if I had the chance to change things in my life I wouldn’t, because if it were not for those situations, I would not be where I am at now.
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Dear Riviera, I read through the whole thread without realizing that it is more than a year old. As I read, my thoughts were to commend you for the way you had accepted responsibility for your part in the marriage breakdown, even though it was certainly not all your fault, and, when all hope seemed lost, just clinging to God, and whatever right actions you could pursue.

How wonderful it was to get to this post, and see how well you had personally remained faithful to God!! It took me 10 to 15 years after my separation to restore my spiritual life. (although, right from the start, I returned to prayers, confession, and Sunday mass).

I don’t recall any story of a marriage breakdown which has so much demonstrated the power of God’s healing, and the power of prayer and conversion. (without presuming on you reconciling completely with your wife).

My prayers are with you, your wife, and your children.

Thankyou so much for the update!
 
Dear Riviera,

I’ve just read through all the posts in this thread.
I’m in the middle of my 20s and haven’t got married yet, so i may not be able to give any wise comments regarding marriage. and after all, you seem to have sorted it out quite well at the moment, and you are living with joy in your heart.

I just want to say, thank you for your sharing. surely it can be a very valuable lesson for us, younger people, who are about to get married, or in the early years of marriage.
I think God has used you to be a great testimony for many people. Hope everything in your life will get better and better from now on, according to His will.
I’m really inspired by the strength you find in Christ through all these, till I can’t leave this thread without saying thank you for the good example you set for us.

May God bless you, your wife, and your children
 
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