Need help...dating a single mom

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I’m a young male in my twenties. I’m dating this girl who revealed to me on the second date that she has a young child. I’ve never dated a single mom before so this is kind of a big deal for me. It just doesn’t feel right for me to be dating her. After all, she formed a bond with another man and produced a child. She belongs to him. I feel like an intruder. Btw, I am in no way fit to be a father yet. So what should I do? Should I keep dating her or find someone else? The primary reason I’m dating is to get married someday. Perhaps I’m being ridiculous. What does the Catholic church have to say about marrying a single parent? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks
 
It’s ok to have preferences in who you would like to date and pass on people who aren’t what you’re looking for. If you want someone who doesn’t have a child from a previous relationship, then you should seek that out. Don’t date anyone out of a sense of obligation.

However, I will recommend that you not mention that you feel she is marked territory. That will likely only make her mad. 😉 I wouldn’t even give a reason after only two dates. Tell her it was nice to meet her but that you don’t want to be any more than friends.
 
johnz123 said:
I’m a young male in my twenties. I’m dating this girl who revealed to me on the second date that she has a young child. I’ve never dated a single mom before so this is kind of a big deal for me. It just doesn’t feel right for me to be dating her. After all, she formed a bond with another man and produced a child. She belongs to him. I feel like an intruder. Btw, I am in no way fit to be a father yet. So what should I do? Should I keep dating her or find someone else? The primary reason I’m dating is to get married someday. Perhaps I’m being ridiculous. What does the Catholic church have to say about marrying a single parent? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks
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(Bolding mine) Then this is not the woman or the situation for you. I agree with Burt, it’s only been 2 dates, no explanation required.
 
As a mother who is remarried and had two children from my first “marriage”, I think you’re being a bit premature. Of course you need to consider the child, but the child will eventually grow and leave home. If you were to marry this lady you’d still be married to her long after that!

Right now concern yourself with your feelings for and compatibility with the mother. In time, if the relationship looks like it will lead to marriage, she will introduce you to the child and you’ll be able to continue discerning marriage knowing what you’d be dealing with.

Of course you aren’t ready to be a father. I don’t think anyone is! Parenthood is one of those rise to the occasion things. But you don’t have to worry about learning to parent right now. You two aren’t there yet.

As for her forming a bond with another man…well, unless you’re looking to marry a virgin there is a strong likelihood your future wife will have had sex with and bonded with another man or men. That’s reality.

Yes, she was once bonded to another man. For whatever reason, those bonds have been loosed. The bonds a couple share have to be nurtured or they wither and die. If enough time has passed since the break-up for her feelings for the father of her child to have faded away then you aren’t trespassing. She belongs to herself.

All that said, if you truly don’t want to date and/or marry a woman who has a child or children from previous relationships or a previous marriage then the best thing to do would be to give her the “Let’s be friends.” speech.
 
johnz123 said:
I’m a young male in my twenties. I’m dating this girl who revealed to me on the second date that she has a young child. I’ve never dated a single mom before so this is kind of a big deal for me. It just doesn’t feel right for me to be dating her. After all, she formed a bond with another man and produced a child. She belongs to him. I feel like an intruder. Btw, I am in no way fit to be a father yet. So what should I do? Should I keep dating her or find someone else? The primary reason I’m dating is to get married someday. Perhaps I’m being ridiculous. What does the Catholic church have to say about marrying a single parent? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks
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Two things:

First if your not ready to be a father you shouldn’t be considering marriage yet.

Second you should judge a potential spouse primarily by their present life, not their past. I’m not saying to not consider their past at all, but remember we are all sinners. You could have been in her shoes too but for the grace of God. Is she a good practicing catholic? Is her child baptized and being raised in the faith? When judging her character, look at these things, not past sins.
 
MJJean said:
As a mother who is remarried and had two children from my first “marriage”, I think you’re being a bit premature. Of course you need to consider the child, but the child will eventually grow and leave home. If you were to marry this lady you’d still be married to her long after that!

Right now concern yourself with your feelings for and compatibility with the mother. In time, if the relationship looks like it will lead to marriage, she will introduce you to the child and you’ll be able to continue discerning marriage knowing what you’d be dealing with.

Of course you aren’t ready to be a father. I don’t think anyone is! Parenthood is one of those rise to the occasion things. But you don’t have to worry about learning to parent right now. You two aren’t there yet.
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I can’t agree with this at all. Being a parent is hard enough, but being a stepparent is the hardest job their is. Stepparents have to sacrifice their time, money, space, and vacation time for their stepkids. In addition to constantly dealing with their partner’s ex, they are expected to be authority figures, friends, and help raise the child. But they are often limited in what decisions they get a say in and discipline, and regardless of how good of a job they do, it is the “real” mom/dad that will get all of the credit and recognition for the rest of their lives. Even after the child leaves home, there is so much room for hardship and conflict over adult children and eventually, grandchildren.

There is no shame in not being willing or able to take that on. I couldn’t take it on, at least not at this point in my life. If he is not up to this, then their compatibility doesn’t matter. It’s a waste of both their time and emotional investment to pursue this. He doesn’t need to meet the specific child to know what this will entail. If he doesn’t have the emotional/mental/financial/whatever resources to handle this situation, then he shouldn’t put them both through it.

Edit: Though I agree with the rest of your post about her being marked for someone else. Ew.
 
johnz123 said:
I’m a young male in my twenties. I’m dating this girl who revealed to me on the second date that she has a young child. I’ve never dated a single mom before so this is kind of a big deal for me. It just doesn’t feel right for me to be dating her. After all, she formed a bond with another man and produced a child. She belongs to him. I feel like an intruder. Btw, I am in no way fit to be a father yet. So what should I do? Should I keep dating her or find someone else? The primary reason I’m dating is to get married someday. Perhaps I’m being ridiculous. What does the Catholic church have to say about marrying a single parent? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks
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People have made lots of good points already (including the people that disagreed with each other).

If you aren’t fit to be a father yet, perhaps you should work on that, if you are intending to marry and have a family in the next few years.

Also, perhaps you should consider dating adult women rather than “girls.”
 
I may get in trouble for my opinion, but will present it anyway.

A young single, childless man seeking marriage should stay away from single mothers, in my experience. The single mother may be divorced, (a bad sign) or she may have had her child out of wedlock (which more than hints at poor judgment).

If the single mom has been divorced, she likely will divorce her next husband.

The out of wedlock mom has not adhered to Catholic teachings about sexual morality.

The young man choosing a dating partner should ask himself if his ambition is to raise another man’s child.

There are many fine young Catholic women who are not single moms.

That is how I see it.
 
Magickman said:
I may get in trouble for my opinion, but will present it anyway.
If the single mom has been divorced, she likely will divorce her next husband.
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I’d love to see some statistics to back this up. What if she was in an abusive marriage?
The out of wedlock mom has not adhered to Catholic teachings about sexual morality.
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How wonderful for you that you have never sinned.

However, to return to the real issue – OP, since this bothers you, you should move on. Leave her free to find a man who can appreciate her and love her.
 
Magickman said:
. The single mother may be divorced, (a bad sign)

If the single mom has been divorced, she likely will divorce her next husband.
.
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Why in the world is divorce a bad sign and will lead into other divorces? I will probably be getting divorced very soon. Not my choosing, totally shock to me. If I find another man, it isn’t a bad sign that I meant my vows and the man I married was a coward. I went into this marriage thinking it will be until death. If an annulment is granted I will still have the same view that marriage is a sacrament and shouldn’t be dissolved. You have a messed up view and should think more about it.:mad:

OP, there is a lot to consider. Was she even married? If so, is she at least in the annulment process? If she hasn’t been married, has she changed her views on premarital sex? If she is willing to share that she has a kid, you have the right to respectfully ask questions. 🙂
 
I’m a young male in my twenties. I’m dating this girl who revealed to me on the second date that she has a young child. I’ve never dated a single mom before so this is kind of a big deal for me. It just doesn’t feel right for me to be dating her. After all, she formed a bond with another man and produced a child. She belongs to him. I feel like an intruder. Btw, I am in no way fit to be a father yet. So what should I do? Should I keep dating her or find someone else? The primary reason I’m dating is to get married someday. Perhaps I’m being ridiculous. What does the Catholic church have to say about marrying a single parent? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks
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Life’s too short. Go with your gut instinct. Move on.

You are too young to take risks and chances when all the red warning signs are flashing. Run to the exit door as fast as you can.
 
Brother, I think you should give the gal a chance!!

Every person on the planet makes mistakes. Meet her kid on the next date or two it might not be so bad.
 
Thanks for the quick replies. Yeah I do like her, I just have to think about it a little bit. Who knows, maybe we’ll end up being just friends.
 
johnz123 said:
Thanks for the quick replies. Yeah I do like her, I just have to think about it a little bit. Who knows, maybe we’ll end up being just friends.
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Yeah, that typically doesn’t work, unless you were friends before. :confused:
 
JamalChristophr said:
Brother, I think you should give the gal a chance!!

Every person on the planet makes mistakes. Meet her kid on the next date or two it might not be so bad.
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Nope! Nope! Nope!

If she’s got any sense at all and is a competent mom, she isn’t introducing her child to every man she sees for a date or two.

I read some secular advice columns, and standard advice for single parents is to wait for at least 6+ months before introducing a child to a new boyfriend or girlfriend, and to try hard not to introduce people that aren’t going to be around long term.

And, of course, the presence of a young child on the scene calls for a much slower marriage timeline than in situations where there isn’t a child.

That said, if she were all that and a bag of chips, fully employed, and doing well as a single mom, then I think it would be dumb to hold her kid against her. Currently, about half of first born children are born out of wedlock, so saying “I would never date a single mother” narrows your dating pool down substantially.
 
Xantippe said:
Nope! Nope! Nope!

If she’s got any sense at all and is a competent mom, she isn’t introducing her child to every man she sees for a date or two.

I read some secular advice columns, and standard advice for single parents is to wait for at least 6+ months before introducing a child to a new boyfriend or girlfriend, and to try hard not to introduce people that aren’t going to be around long term.
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It should be noted this is for the sake of the child, not the sake of the adults. It helps keep some stability in the child’s life, and makes it so that when mom does marry it’s easier for the child to accept the step-parent as a new parent.
 
Xantippe said:
Currently, about half of first born children are born out of wedlock, so saying “I would never date a single mother” narrows your dating pool down substantially.
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Yes, but how many of those out of wedlock births happen to practicing catholic women? That is the dating pool that a catholic should be pulling from and not the population at large. I’d imagine that a dating pool of practicing catholics wouldn’t take anywhere near a 50% cut.
 
Burt_Macklin said:
Yes, but how many of those out of wedlock births happen to practicing catholic women? That is the dating pool that a catholic should be pulling from and not the population at large. I’d imagine that a dating pool of practicing catholics wouldn’t take anywhere near a 50% cut.
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Practicing young Catholics, maybe, but once the OP gets a bit older, more and more of the available single women will have had children under some circumstances or other.
 
All very good replies so far, and while they sometimes offer contrasting advice I can see the sense in all of them.

I just want to add that contraception is, to me, a bigger violation of chastity than sex outside marriage is. I would rather date someone who has a child, or children, than one who has doesn’t have because of contraception. The one with children would be closer to my own values than the other.

Similarly, if I were a woman, I would rather date a man with children, than a virgin who habitually indulged in pornography and solo-sex. (I **was ** (past tense) the “virgin” man in this situation, and my advice based is on my own experience)

The above are somewhat artificial “either/ors”. The chances are that a man or woman with a sexual past is going to have sins in multiple areas, but still if I was discerning someone I would apply these guidelines.

To put a really clear case, if I were to choose between a woman who gave into temptation, once, and had a child from it, and a woman who has been on contraception for two years, with no children, the woman with the child would be my easy choice. Similarly if it were two, or three children. She may be weak, or damaged by circumstances, but still a good woman.

Of course you don’t have to date anyone with a sexual past, and hope for the best in the dating pool which is then available. As others have said, for pool is better for young persons.
 
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