Newly-wed desperately seeks advice

[IA_Catholic]

I have been married just 2 months and already my marriage is in severe crisis. I am too ashamed to speak to my family & friends about it as my marriage is in such a mess

I am very sorry this has happened to you. Please do not be ashamed as you had no role in this being done to you. You need to get in touch with your pastor as soon as possible and ask for guidance. Pray a great deal, especially for the grace to bear this. You don’t need to share everything with your family and friends, but you can ask for your prayers as you are working through a difficult time. You obviously have my prayers.

 

[1ke]

1. Doctor
2. Lawyer

In that order

 

[aemcpa]

This is why the banns of marriage are published ahead of time. “If anyone can show just cause why these two should not be wed, let him speak now…”

 

[SwizzleStick]

…just one month before our wedding an older woman (40s) turned up at my workplace, heavily pregnant and told me she was having my fiancées child. …

I have been married just 2 months…

…the pregnant neighbour is indeed likely to be carrying his child due next month…

…I am so distressed by the thought of how its all going to get worse when the child is born…

It would be wise for you to protect yourself AND your assets NOW. I think it would be prudent to see your priest, doctor and lawyer ASAP.

As an aside, I do wonder about how much time you have until the child is actually born and things get more complicated. The pregnant neighbor was “heavily pregnant” 3 months ago, but she isn’t due until July?

 

[bsroufek]

I once roommated with a young man who was a sex addict. He had a different woman in his bed every night, which he preferred as opposed to even staying with a woman for a week even.

He looked at it like a game.

Before he knew me, he had had a fiancee who was Mexican (Yucatanian) and wealthy. She got pregnant with twins and went home to have them. She ended up loosing both babies and he ended up dumping her and having cheated on her the whole time he lived with me.

She came back to America to seek answers from ME about whether he had been cheating on her. She was convinced of it but wanted me to say that he was. I only said to her, “What’s in your heart?”

I had talked to him a couple of times about how immoral his lifestyle was, but he only resented it and called me gay, because I wasn’t doing the same thing.

From what I see in your story, this old roommate of mine was much worse than you have. This probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but I do know such men exist.

If you insist on staying with him, which I don’t recommend, please test him: restrict his money access and see if he stays. He can get sex from other women but not money. If you can’t test him, to see if he has reformed, then see a priest about this.

God bless, and please don’t harm yourself.

 

[Joe_5859]

Yes, thank you I already feel like the most stupid woman on the planet. Virtually all of his cheating occurred on evening when he told me he was at football training and then ‘going for a few pints with the lads’. He was actually meeting women he had met on dating sites or in nightclubs. We both lived with our parents before our wedding day and would text me to say goodnight every night without fail, I assumed he was tucked up in bed just as his texts had said.
Of course I NOW realise I was ridiculously trusting to the point of being stupid

You’re not stupid. You just put your trust in a guy that turned out to be running an active campaign for Cad of the Century.

You should be able to trust your spouse to be honest and faithful. That’s the bare minimum one should expect from their spouse. That this man deceived you is all on him.

 

[nodito]

You would never have married this guy if you knew then what you know now. He’s manipulated you. Leave the situation now; it will only get harder the longer you stay, especially if you get pregnant. If it were me, I’d tell my husband I’m visiting my sister for a couple days, then I’d move to her place, book an appt with a dr and a lawyer for the same day. I absolutely would divorce and apply for an anullment in this situation, because if it were me, I’d feel strongly that I had not validly married to begin with. For what it’s worth, it seems as if you’ll have plenty of potential witnessess to testify for you in an annulment proceeding.

 

[Kelfa28]

1. Doctor
2. Lawyer

In that order

I was just going to type this.

Stop ALL marital relations immediately.

See a doctor and get tested for STDs immediately.

See a lawyer to protect your assets and start divorce proceedings immediately.

See a priest and start working on an annulment.

MOVE OUT.

This is not a marriage and it never will be. Drop everything and get out NOW. He doesn’t love you and never has. You love an image of him. You a fantasy version of him that doesn’t exist.

He doesn’t deserve an explanation or a reason. Get out now.

 

[RSD]

Hello DL82
In answer to your question as to how I ‘found out’ about the cheating, lies and sex addiction, he has never confessed any of it to me willingly. I found out by first stumbling on explicit texts messages, then I did (knowing it was wrong to do so) hack into his facebook and email accounts and read the full extent of the addiction.
Girls and women have contacted me directly to ‘let me know what kind of man I married’ and even then my husband denies everything until I present him with proof such as texts, videos, messages ect, or the upset woman confronting him in my presence so he cant call her a liar. So almost everyday there is another shameful revelation.
My husband has not apologised or asked for forgiveness yet.
I rather naively thought that when I posted on here, lots of knowledgeable fellow Catholics would respond with advice such as 'Ban him from using the internet and with-hold intimacy until he shows remorse, then you can work things out in time ’ I love this man with all my heart and soul, I am terrified I will lose him to someone else. I desperately want to fix my marriage.

Please understand that I am being blunt only because your situation is desperate, and requires the most immediate action. You do not have a marriage to fix. You cannot lose him to someone else. You are already sharing him with the world. The only part of this that you can change is your own involvement. By continuing for even one minute to act as if you are married you are participating in his sin, even as the other women in his life are. As several people have pointed at every additional moment you spend with him puts you at greater risk of health and financial ruin. Worse still, you could become pregnant with this man’s child. Is this the kind of man you would want to be the father of your child?

 

[Country_Gal]

Please seek help from your pastor IMMEDIATELY. Call the parish office and ask for the next available appointment time, making sure to mention that this matter is very serious and urgent and that waiting to speak to him could be dangerous for your life and health.

I fear that you are right. Your husband lied and deceived you. If I were you, I would immediately cease physical relations, separate and initiate divorce proceedings. Then I would seek an annulment. You definitely have grounds for an annulment.
I would also seek counseling ASAP, to address the suicidal thoughts and feelings of betrayal and anger that you will have to work through.

I am praying for you right now. I am so sorry. God be with you.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. I am a mature woman and from my life experience don’t see any good outcome if you remain with this man. It sounds like his problems are very deep-seated. So sorry about this.

 

[St_Francis]

Yes, thank you I already feel like the most stupid woman on the planet. Virtually all of his cheating occurred on evening when he told me he was at football training and then ‘going for a few pints with the lads’. He was actually meeting women he had met on dating sites or in nightclubs. We both lived with our parents before our wedding day and would text me to say goodnight every night without fail, I assumed he was tucked up in bed just as his texts had said.
Of course I NOW realise I was ridiculously trusting to the point of being stupid

DO NOT FEEL STUPID!!! This man lied to you continually–HE is the one who did wrong. What were you to do, spy on him?

I would suggest that after the dust in your lfe settles, after you have left him and visited the lawyer, the doctor, and the priest, that you see someone, a professional or someone you know to be very wise, to help you sort all this out in your mind. What this… not a man but a worm! did to you was horribly wrong and you really need to get that straight in your mind, and see that it is like he inflicted mental wounds on you. If he had cut you, you would get that treated and realize you need time to heal, well, mentally this is where you may well find yourself, given what you have written here.

And ask the lawyer if a legal annulment based on fraud might be possible or helpful.

And stay close to God…

 

[PaleoConCatlick]

I have trouble believing this situation due to its extremities, but I say cut no slack. You don’t have time to put up with this.

Dudes like this don’t deserve good Catholic girls like you.

This is like the 7th post I’ve read on this forum with a similar story to yours. I am considering starting a thread on this issue.

 

[mommamaree]

I wholeheartedly agree with this. I am a mature woman and from my life experience don’t see any good outcome if you remain with this man. It sounds like his problems are very deep-seated. So sorry about this.

And the other respondents prudently urged the OP to go to the doctor immediately, to get tested for STDs. I am so glad they thought about this, as it escaped my initial notice.

OP, they are right. Please cease all sexual relations with him and go get tested for STDs. I will pray more for you. I am so sorry.

 

[maryjk]

I have been married just 2 months and already my marriage is in severe crisis. I am too ashamed to speak to my family & friends about it as my marriage is in such a mess I am certain they would all tell me to seek an annulment of the marriage from the church and walk away now.

Now here comes the trouble; just one month before our wedding an older woman (40s) turned up at my workplace, heavily pregnant and told me she was having my fiancées child. She claimed he had known for 3 months and was denying the child was his and refused to speak to her.

• the pregnant neighbour is indeed likely to be carrying his child due next month

(I snipped a bunch of your post, to shorten my post.)



I’m sure I am reading this wrong, but it seems that this poor woman has been “heavily pregnant” for a very long time.

Two months before the wedding that was a month ago, means “three months ago.” Right? And now she still has a month until her delivery?

So 4 months before her due date?

Someone is lying here, and it isn’t just your husband.

 

[SophiaCra]

(I snipped a bunch of your post, to shorten my post.)

So 4 months before her due date?

Someone is lying here, and it isn’t just your husband.

Yes the due date is 2nd July. They were together twice in October and she became pregnant.

 

[nodito]

So 4 months before her due date?

Someone is lying here, and it isn’t just your husband.

Eh… I looked very pregnant when I was five months with my second. “Heavily” pregnant is relative.

 

[Joe_5859]

(I snipped a bunch of your post, to shorten my post.)



I’m sure I am reading this wrong, but it seems that this poor woman has been “heavily pregnant” for a very long time.

Two months before the wedding that was a month ago, means “three months ago.” Right? And now she still has a month until her delivery?

So 4 months before her due date?

Someone is lying here, and it isn’t just your husband.

Am I misunderstanding or are you accusing the OP of lying?

I think we should cut the OP some slack on this. I’ve known women (particularly if they have had kids before) who look quite pregnant by the 5th month. I’m sure by “heavily pregnant” she simply meant it was obvious she was pregnant just by looking at her.

 

[SophiaCra]

Thank you everyone for your advice and (name removed by moderator)ut, I thought that when I shared my story with you on here that I would get replys telling me to pull myself together and fight for my marriage and maybe some tips on how to win him back. The advice you have given me has been the opposite and reading some of your comments I have been floored by some such as ‘you cant love him you are in love with a fantasy of him’-, protecting my assets and the STI issue were things I hadn’t even considered. I will take your advice and speak to our Priest to start with and then a solicitor. Thank you all xx

 

[SophiaCra]

I think we should cut the OP some slack on this. I’ve known women (particularly if they have had kids before) who look quite pregnant by the 5th month. I’m sure by “heavily pregnant” she simply meant it was obvious she was pregnant just by looking at her.

Yes, thank you Joe. I meant no offense about the womans appearance only that her belly was very swollen and she was very obviously pregnant.

Sorry that my post is long and rambling, my head was spinning and I was typing through tears when I posted.

 

[Joe_5859]

Thank you everyone for your advice and (name removed by moderator)ut, I thought that when I shared my story with you on here that I would get replys telling me to pull myself together and fight for my marriage and maybe some tips on how to win him back. The advice you have given me has been the opposite and reading some of your comments I have been floored by some such as ‘you cant love him you are in love with a fantasy of him’-, protecting my assets and the STI issue were things I hadn’t even considered. I will take your advice and speak to our Priest to start with and then a solicitor. Thank you all xx

I am glad to hear that. I am very sorry you are going through this. Life has no shortage of obstacles to throw our way. You are in my prayers.