Newly-wed desperately seeks advice

[RSD]

UPDATE; I sat and talked with my husband this evening about our situation and I raised many of the points made here. He cried and said he doesn’t know why he cheats and he said he cant help it he is an attention seeker and always has been. He said sex with new people makes him feel better when he feels down but immediately after it he thinks ‘what have I done?’ and feels worse. He said he lies because he doesn’t want me to shout at him when he knows he has done something I wont like. He still hasn’t said sorry. We are going to meet with our Priest together on Friday morning.

Are you sure that you will be safe if this man knows that you are planning to leave? Is your impression of your safety based on the same notions that inspired you to marry him? Can you just pack one bag and leave RIGHT NOW with no further word to him, until you go back to the house with an accompanying police officer? Do you know what a restraining order is? Please make sure that someone who is closer to you than we are, someone who knows your name and his name, knows what is going on. The next news story I read of a woman murdered because her husband thought she was about to leave him, I will wonder if it is you.

Do not go with him anyplace, including to a priest, until you have some better guarantee of your physical safety. And the priest’s safety, by the way. This must include your own awareness that this man does not operate like normal sane human beings.

Please even if you no longer have any questions post something to let us know you are still unharmed.

 

[SophiaCra]

Do not go with him anyplace, including to a priest, until you have some better guarantee of your physical safety. And the priest’s safety, by the way. This must include your own awareness that this man does not operate like normal sane human beings.

RSD, I am safe and I do not feel any physical threat from my husband. I have never seen him act violently or aggressively, the worst he has done is raise his voice to me. I will of course bear your concern in mind. I promise to update you when we speak to our Priest on Friday. When we talked he just cried and said nice things, he didn’t shout or get angry.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

When you speak to a priest, I recommend telling him exactly how you feel about your entire situation, such as that you were deceived about marrying him, would not have married him under any circumstances you known about these actions beforehand, etc. I also recommend noting that you believe consent to marry is defective.

Obviously state only what is true. Also, do it outside of a confessional, this way the priest can discuss the situation with the Tribunal, if necessary.

While you will ultimately decide the fate of your marriage, these steps will establish that a major defect in marital consent was recognized almost immediately after the vows were taken. It’s easy to establish this now rather than, say, 10 years down the road.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

UPDATE; I sat and talked with my husband this evening about our situation and I raised many of the points made here. He cried and said he doesn’t know why he cheats and he said he cant help it he is an attention seeker and always has been. He said sex with new people makes him feel better when he feels down but immediately after it he thinks ‘what have I done?’ and feels worse. He said he lies because he doesn’t want me to shout at him when he knows he has done something I wont like. He still hasn’t said sorry. We are going to meet with our Priest together on Friday morning.

Don’t let him turn this into a “poor me” session. You’re not his therapist and a lot of cheaters go all teary and weak when they get caught. “I can’t help it” is a pretty sad excuse if he’s done all that you have put out to us here. He’s sorry that he got caught, most likely. I would urge you to leave and see the priest by yourself. Don’t make this YOUR problem. Sure you took vows but this guy is a cad, a rounder, pond scum.

 

[DL82]

By continuing for even one minute to act as if you are married you are participating in his sin, even as the other women in his life are.

I disagree with this. I realise it was not the main point of your post, but we should be careful with our words here. By continuing to honour a putative marriage, the OP is NOT participating in her husband’s sin.

 

[DL82]

Are you sure that you will be safe if this man knows that you are planning to leave? Is your impression of your safety based on the same notions that inspired you to marry him? Can you just pack one bag and leave RIGHT NOW with no further word to him, until you go back to the house with an accompanying police officer? Do you know what a restraining order is? Please make sure that someone who is closer to you than we are, someone who knows your name and his name, knows what is going on. The next news story I read of a woman murdered because her husband thought she was about to leave him, I will wonder if it is you.

Again, just to offer an alternative perspective, I don’t know about this, it seems something of an overreaction given what we know so far about the man.

To put it simply, there is no way to advise you over the Internet.

We can only advise based on what you have told us, and what you have chosen to focus on until now is the cheating behaviour. Now you bring up feeling safe with your husband, him crying, admitting feelings of remorse (though only on a selfish level). It seems as though there is still something you want to love about him.

There are two possibilities here.

1. He is a manipulative liar who has a deep seated personality disorder that makes him incapable of loving you. This means he is dangerous, as he won’t stop until he gets what he wants. It also means your feelings of love are for an illusion he projected, and not for the actual person. In which case all the advice so far applies, get out!
2. He is someone who wants to love you, but is currently incapable of doing so (and, importantly, was incapable when you made your marriage vows) because of an addiction to sex. If this is the case, you still need to protect yourself, e.g. withhold relations until the behaviour stops to prevent STDs, and you still have a choice.

I wonder if we would all be so unanimous in telling the OP to leave her husband if he had a drinking problem or if he was looking at pornography habitually? Of course, such things are serious harms to a marriage, and you are still absolutely free to leave him and apply for an annulment. You are free to stick it out if you feel called to it, but I won’t sugar coat this, it will mean decades of sorrow and pain and disappointment. It may take decades before you even get an authentic apology and the healing can begin, and it might never happen.

Put simply, nobody here knows if your husband is dangerous, and it seems that you don’t know that either. If you feel ok about going to a priest together then go ahead. I would still advise moving out even if you don’t want a divorce, just to reinforce the point that you won’t put up with this behaviour from him.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Get away from this man immediately. Just go. Move on with your life and don’t let him waste another second. Don’t listen to his sob stories or his excuses.

 

[quiet52]

Please see the doctor TODAY.
And no more sexual relations with your husband, no matter how much he cries or romances you.

 

[The_Bucket]

My bolding - what more do you need to know?

It’s time to go separetaly to see your priest, doctor, and lawyer. And let your family in so they can help protect you from this dishonourable man.

More than that, I’d suggest seeing a therapist or some kind of counselor individually. Because the previous posts of being “scared of losing him” and listening for one second to his sob stories is a pretty clear sign of a codependent.

 

[Rachel126]

OP, I am so terribly sorry you are going through this. What an awful thing. I agree with the others that you should set up an appointment with your priest immediately and tell him everything. I also agree it is best for you to get out of the marriage.

 

[Kelfa28]

More than that, I’d suggest seeing a therapist or some kind of counselor individually. Because the previous posts of being “scared of losing him” and listening for one second to his sob stories is a pretty clear sign of a codependent.

These threads scare me.

If she was my dear friend, sister or other close relative…I’d be fighting tooth and nail to get her out of this marriage.
She’d be getting phone calls every day, I’d have my spare bedroom all set and ready for her and be ready to welcome her with open arms and a bottle of wine and my couch to listen to her vent all night lone if possible.

This kind of co-dependancy is frightening. Her health, both mental and physical are on the line. The longer she stays the more she risks herself to dangerous diseases and a total break down of reality.

Who says that sex with new people makes him feel better…after he is married?
That is insane.
As much as I love and trust my husband…if this kind of revelation ever manifested itself in my marriage, my daughter and I would be gone in a heartbeat. Yes, tears would be shed and I’d probably be in therapy for quite some time…but I’d be gone. It’s NOT worth the risk.

OP:
The sooner you get out of this mess…the quicker you’ll have your life back. The less likely you’ll be putting your mental and physical health in serious danger.
STIs are serious business and with that many partners…its’ almost a guarantee that he has contracted something already. You risk yourself, your children and your future husband by continuing to stay with this man.
It baffles me that anyone would want to reconcile with that kind of risk.

Even if you are going to see a priest with him…you need to stick to your guns. You are at risk for diseases NOW. He has not apologized to you for his actions.
If I were you…I’d be frank and say that I have ZERO interest in reconciliation. You are not in a marriage and are looking to get a divorce and start annulment proceedings.

If I were you, I would have gone to a lawyer first…to try and protect you assets so you don’t lose anything to this sorry excuse of a husband. If he knows you want a divorce…he could go after your savings and other assets. You don’t want that. Get what is yours and keep it.
Start fresh and don’t look back.

 

[MJJean]

I’d separate immediately and have yourself tested for STDs. No telling what he’s exposed you to. I’d also seek legal counsel as soon as possible to protect yourself legally. I have no idea how the process works in the UK, but time is of the essence when dealing with legal matters. This is not a person with whom you can have an honest marriage relationship. Seek spiritual counsel also. This will affect any future relationships you enter.

Leave, walk away. Get an anulement both legal and through the church. This man is a fraud and you married him under false pretenses. DO NOT RUIN YOUR LIFE STAYING WITH THIS MAN it is only going to get worse if you stay. Leave and sever all contact with him. Go home to your parents until this is over.

I was just going to type this.

Stop ALL marital relations immediately.

See a doctor and get tested for STDs immediately.

See a lawyer to protect your assets and start divorce proceedings immediately.

See a priest and start working on an annulment.

MOVE OUT.

This is not a marriage and it never will be. Drop everything and get out NOW. He doesn’t love you and never has. You love an image of him. You a fantasy version of him that doesn’t exist.

He doesn’t deserve an explanation or a reason. Get out now.

Excellent advice above. Especially about not giving him explanations and therefore opportunity to further manipulate you. Just go. NOW.

I, unfortunately, was “married” to a man very similar to yours. I was young, didn’t know, then knew and believed he would change. He never did. I spent 8 years in Hell on Earth. I coud have saved mysef and my children years of heartache if I had not believed his excuses and lies. The very same excuses and lies your “husband” has given you, almost verbatim.

I ended up in my mid-20’s divorced and with 2 young children. I thank God that I did not contract a disease and that I am now free of that man.

After the “marriage”, I met a wonderful man that I have been blessed to share a true marriage with for the last 10 years. Looking back at my life then and now the difference is amazing. I came into my faith recently (in my late 30’s) and am in the process of annulment so that my marriage can be convalidated and I can finally have full peace.

You have been given a blessing in disguise. You have discovered the truth early rather than later.

Yes, leaving will hurt. Healing will take time. But you have no children to complicate matters and you have your faith to see you through. You will come out of this stronger and with the knowledge that you need to seek a real life partner. Have faith and hope.

 

[cheezey]

These threads scare me.

If she was my dear friend, sister or other close relative…I’d be fighting tooth and nail to get her out of this marriage.
She’d be getting phone calls every day, I’d have my spare bedroom all set and ready for her and be ready to welcome her with open arms and a bottle of wine and my couch to listen to her vent all night lone if possible.

This kind of co-dependancy is frightening. Her health, both mental and physical are on the line. The longer she stays the more she risks herself to dangerous diseases and a total break down of reality.

Who says that sex with new people makes him feel better…after he is married?
That is insane.
As much as I love and trust my husband…if this kind of revelation ever manifested itself in my marriage, my daughter and I would be gone in a heartbeat. Yes, tears would be shed and I’d probably be in therapy for quite some time…but I’d be gone. It’s NOT worth the risk.

OP:
The sooner you get out of this mess…the quicker you’ll have your life back. The less likely you’ll be putting your mental and physical health in serious danger.
STIs are serious business and with that many partners…its’ almost a guarantee that he has contracted something already. You risk yourself, your children and your future husband by continuing to stay with this man.
It baffles me that anyone would want to reconcile with that kind of risk.

Even if you are going to see a priest with him…you need to stick to your guns. You are at risk for diseases NOW. He has not apologized to you for his actions.
If I were you…I’d be frank and say that I have ZERO interest in reconciliation. You are not in a marriage and are looking to get a divorce and start annulment proceedings.

If I were you, I would have gone to a lawyer first…to try and protect you assets so you don’t lose anything to this sorry excuse of a husband. If he knows you want a divorce…he could go after your savings and other assets. You don’t want that. Get what is yours and keep it.
Start fresh and don’t look back.

Agreed.
Lawyer first, priest immediately after, and alone. Planning before talking might have been better, but…
I packed my bag, which he didn’t even notice he was so of himself, made the plan, put it into action, then made the annoucement.
He didn’t even know what hit him. My only financial cost was the attorney, who cut me a break. I consider that money well invested.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please consider how well and easily he lied. Including the tears. I don’t think you should risk your well being for this insanity.
May God give you strength and all the resources you need to do what is best for you.
Pray for him.
From a distance.

 

[cheezey]

Excellent advice above. Especially about not giving him explanations and therefore opportunity to further manipulate you. Just go. NOW…You have been given a blessing in disguise. You have discovered the truth early rather than later.

Yes, leaving will hurt. Healing will take time. But you have no children to complicate matters and you have your faith to see you through. You will come out of this stronger and with the knowledge that you need to seek a real life partner. Have faith and hope.

Agreed…

 

[RSD]

Again, just to offer an alternative perspective, I don’t know about this, it seems something of an overreaction given what we know so far about the man.

To put it simply, there is no way to advise you over the Internet.

Put simply, nobody here knows if your husband is dangerous, and it seems that you don’t know that either.

Right, nobody here knows if her lying, cheating pretend husband is also threatening violence, in addition to the violence of faking a marriage and bringing to her whatever diseases he has picked up in his prowling. However, in many potentially dangerous situations it only makes sense to take precautions based on a reasonable assumption. We are not looking to arrest the man and put him jail. That would certainly require a different level of evidence. However, there cannot possibly be any benefit, spiritual, emotional, financial or physical, in continuing the charade of this marriage. I based my reasonable assertion about his danger to her on the question “Why did he marry her, of all the women he has had?” and the apparent answer that she seems to have enough money to support him and all his other women. If she leaves him she threatens that source of income. It is not at all uncommon for this kind of man to become enraged enough to hurt the woman who seems to be “taking” from him money that he considers to be his. Moreover, the OP does not seem to be readily able to grasp that this man does not operate by normal sane standards. She is, as many people have pointed out in different ways, better off by leaving all contact with him behind, with not an instant to spare. By “not an instant to spare” I do not mean next year, or next month, or even next week. I do not mean tomorrow. I mean walk out the door, and settle everything else later. Treat this man as a house fire. A big one. He is that potentially dangerous. You could stay in the house and hope that the fire will die down, because you really love the fire. You might not believe that that cute little warm fire would really destroy you. But generally people who deal with fires do not advocate that approach.

And so I say again to the OP, many people here are praying for you. Please reassure us that you are still alive and not in the hospital. If you have a cell phone, make sure you keep it with you and you know how to dial the emergency number very quickly and unobtrusively. PLEASE let you mother know what is going on, also.

 

[josh987654321]

UPDATE; I sat and talked with my husband this evening about our situation and I raised many of the points made here. He cried and said he doesn’t know why he cheats and he said he cant help it he is an attention seeker and always has been. He said sex with new people makes him feel better when he feels down but immediately after it he thinks ‘what have I done?’ and feels worse. He said he lies because he doesn’t want me to shout at him when he knows he has done something I wont like. He still hasn’t said sorry. We are going to meet with our Priest together on Friday morning.

I definately would not have done that.

Like everyone else has been saying, say no more a get the hell outta there, the longer you stay the worse it will get.

Matthew 5:27-30

Adultery

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[e] 28 **But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. **29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Not only has he desired these other women, but he has conciously acted on that desire, not once not twice, but serveral times over.

Matthew 5:31-32

Divorce

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’[f] 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Sexual sin (adultery) is a deal breaker, once or twice is something that married couples struggle with for the rest of their lives and never get over it, this marriage will never work. The longer you stay the worse it will get.

Matthew 7:1-6

Judging Others

7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

I bolded the part you need most, many people latch onto the first half of this passage and use it to be naive, don’t be naive.

You don’t judge people to be good or bad, you gather information about a person and make an informed decision. This is how you don’t give to dogs what belongs to God and you don’t hold back from those, what belongs to God. While you stay with him you are giving to dogs what is sacred. He doesn’t have an ounce of respect for the sacredness of sexuality and thus will abuse yours.

I’m sorry but with the information you have given, I strongly think the longer you stay with him the worse it will get, you are in love with who you wish he was, not with who he is.

Don’t allow him the chance to manipulate you further by sharing this stuff with him, just get out now, don’t stay for 1 second longer, this isn’t just some mister minor thing. If you stay with him, it will haunt your marriage for the rest of your life, if he has had 70 sexual partners (just the ones he has told you about, so there is likely more, you would lose track at that many), they will come knocking eventually, don’t be there when he reaps what he has sowed.

Just 1 previous sexual partner or 1 act of adultery takes years and years for marriage’s to get over and even then, they never get over it, they just learn how to deal with a broken marriage.

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[GreyRabbit]

After having read through this…I personally can’t wait for the update that lets us know you’ve managed to leave him and are at a safe place, have seen the doctor, have talked to a lawyer and priest; basically that you’ve started the processes everyone’s been recommending.

I can’t offer any better advice and I don’t think I need to repeat what everyone’s been saying.

God bless you, one day at a time!

/hug

 

[SophiaCra]

UPDATE FROM OP

Hello,

My husband and I went to meet with our Priest on Friday, Father appeared saddened by our revelations and said he had not picked up on any hint of such problems during our marriage prep with him. Father spoke to each of us separately and then spoke to us together again.

In Fathers opinion, we both showed a keen willingness to make our marriage work despite the revelations of cheating, excessive use of pornography, possibility of a child to be born outside the marriage and my invasion of my husbands privacy (hacking into his emails, phone & facebook). He believes we do have a valid marriage and that my husband has shown his determination to change by staying faithful since our wedding day and resisting the opportunity to cheat in the flesh.
Father did stress to my husband that the acts he performed over web-camera with other females during our marriage could be taken as infidelity by some and he said only God himself can decide whether the acts were committing adultery against his wife or the sin of wasting seed that should only be used for the divine purpose it is intended for. It is certainly one if not both.
He is going to arrange for couples counselling with our local family centre. He said to await the outcome of DNA testing before we give more thought to the child that may or may not be born to my husband outside our marriage, but even if the child is his, his obligations as a husband are to come first above any other relationship. The law would require him to provide financially if the child is indeed his of course. I personally would want him to step-up and be a real hands on father with set contact at least if not shared custody. In addition to the counselling, Father said we should remove all outside influences that may be detrimental to our marriage, including people, places and possessions.

I did mention during the separate conversation with our Priest that I had told my story on here and he said he will read it. I mentioned many of the points and concerns raised by you all on here and Father had an answer for each of them including ‘let he without sin cast the first stone’, he reminded me that we both took a holy oath on our wedding day and only God can separate us now. He reassured me that my husband was indeed contrite in his apology and he believes he really regrets his behaviour and he has already started to change and intends to make our marriage a long and happy one.

I feel optimistic after our talk with our Priest and we are continuing to open up to each other and talk more since the meeting. I feel much less burdened and more in control now. I no longer have the horrible feeling of desperation that I had when I first typed my post. Sharing my story was the first step and although at this point I have no intention of following any of the advice given by any of the replys, I do appreciate the time and concern taken to reply and I will ask God to bless each one of you.

I know this update may be frustrating for so many of you that advised me to leave my husband and I know this is only the beginning of a huge journey and there will be many more struggles before we reach our destination but I have a heart full of hope and determination.

So THANK YOU for all your help and advice You made a huge difference for me when I needed you most. God bless you, Sophia xx

 

[SophiaCra]

Just a little note worth mentioning, our Priest expressed concern at the cry of ‘divorce him now’ that was advised a number of times in your replys, he reminds us that as Catholics there is no divorce, such a piece of paper from the courts is nothing more than a piece of paper. Divorced Catholics are still married until death parts them. He added that Annulment is almost impossible to receive and takes many months or even years of fierce debating and proving before it could even be considered by Rome. Annulment is only granted in extreme circumstances.

 

[Memaw]

Just a little note worth mentioning, our Priest expressed concern at the cry of ‘divorce him now’ that was advised a number of times in your replys, he reminds us that as Catholics there is no divorce, such a piece of paper from the courts is nothing more than a piece of paper. Divorced Catholics are still married until death parts them. He added that Annulment is almost impossible to receive and takes many months or even years of fierce debating and proving before it could even be considered by Rome. Annulment is only granted in extreme circumstances.

I would certainly call yours an “extreme case.” I have known several who got annulments for much less serious situations. And they never had to go to Rome. And it didn’t take years!! Makes me wonder??? God Bless, Memaw