Newly-wed desperately seeks advice

[AnneTeresa]

Ok, I just read this whole thread and feel I should say something. To all the other posters here probably more than Sophia. Clearly few who posted HAVE a deep understanding of a true sex addiction. My husband was very similar to Sophia husband. I honestly did not know. In a true addiction the person cannot stop till they get help. STD, 100 sex partners. Yes, it happens even to Christians. For Me it was a knife not a razor blade.

Sophia, it is essential that you get counseling. This is a very hard thing to deal with, whether or not he gets help and whether you stay together. If you can find a group for for cosexaddicts, go. It was lifeline for me for a while and the women there understood. The suicide prevention or crisis number on hand is a good idea. I used it several times and it helps to have someone who will just listen. Keep praying, remember Jesus is with you in your deepest pain and he will not l e t go of your hand! He will carry you when you cannot walk.

. I will be praying for you. Feel free to pm me if you like.

 

[jazzy0710]

I fear that you are right. If I were you, I would immediately cease physical relations, separate and initiate divorce proceedings. Then I would seek an annulment. You definitely have grounds for an annulment.
I would also seek counseling ASAP, to address the suicidal thoughts and feelings of betrayal and anger that you will have to work through.

100% agreed. I would do this too.

 

[The_Bucket]

It is actually rare that the church finds nothing that could render it invalid. Which is unfortunate.

People usually don’t seek annulments for trivial reasons; folks who get divorced for trivial issues won’t go through the annulment process and will instead simply ignore the Church’s teaching on the matter, get remarried outside of the Church and move on. I don’t think the fact that a majority of annulment petitions are granted says anything about the Canon courts being liberal on the matter.

 

[Kelfa28]

People usually don’t seek annulments for trivial reasons; folks who get divorced for trivial issues won’t go through the annulment process and will instead simply ignore the Church’s teaching on the matter, get remarried outside of the Church and move on. I don’t think the fact that a majority of annulment petitions are granted says anything about the Canon courts being liberal on the matter.

Not only this…but people who consult their priests to start the paper work are usually told by said priest whether they have a case or not.

If the priest says he doesn’t feel they have a good chance of getting an annulment then they won’t…and many of those people just go and get married a second time anyway.

I think that is the most unfortunate thing of all.

When I went through RCIA…my parish priest explained this to us. He’ll evaluate the previous marriage and make a judgement on whether he feels the marriage was invalid or not.
I think a lot of people who actually do file paperwork are more or less encouraged to do so by their priests after sitting down and having a meeting.

 

[SophiaCra]

Sophia,

I just have to ask, were there any signs that you may have ignored? Did you have any gut feeling about NOT marrying him? I ask this because sometimes when we date, we are not at peace for some reason or another and so when you were courting were there any feelings of uneasiness?

I honestly had NO uneasy feelings while dating him. My parents however, too an almost instant dislike to him and were always rude to him when he would visit. My parents are both very kind and caring but they never liked any of my dates so I just thought at the time that they were just doing what they always did and assumed no man would ever be good enough for me. My husband had never given them any specific reason to dislike him, they just recoiled at his habit of exaggerating and trying to be the centre of attention all the time. The way the protested when we announced our engagement was upsetting, Mum had threatened to not attend our wedding but she changed her mind 3 months before the big day.

I guess looking back I should have taken their dislike of my husband as a warning and I should have slowed things down. Definitely I think now, looking back, I was foolish to marry him before the child was born, I regret not waiting. Now I know the baby could be his, I feel cruel on its mother for having a lavish wedding to the childs father during her pregnancy.

 

[Memaw]

I honestly had NO uneasy feelings while dating him. My parents however, too an almost instant dislike to him and were always rude to him when he would visit. My parents are both very kind and caring but they never liked any of my dates so I just thought at the time that they were just doing what they always did and assumed no man would ever be good enough for me. My husband had never given them any specific reason to dislike him, they just recoiled at his habit of exaggerating and trying to be the centre of attention all the time. The way the protested when we announced our engagement was upsetting, Mum had threatened to not attend our wedding but she changed her mind 3 months before the big day.

I guess looking back I should have taken their dislike of my husband as a warning and I should have slowed things down. Definitely I think now, looking back, I was foolish to marry him before the child was born, I regret not waiting. Now I know the baby could be his, I feel cruel on its mother for having a lavish wedding to the childs father during her pregnancy.

And this goes on and on and on. Just like a Soap Opera. Prayers needed, in more ways than one!!!, God Bless, Memaw

 

[SophiaCra]

I find it hard to believe that a priest would comment on the validity of the marriage considering neither one is talking divorce. Also a priest would understand that we are talking annulement not divorce. The OP had the priest using the terms divorce and annulement interchangeably which would not happen.

I have already apoligised that my posts are long and waffling/confusing. I did already state that during our separate time with our Priest I told him about my posting on here and the advice given by many of you was divorce separate annulment, many said my marriage was invalid and an annulment would surely be granted. THAT is why our Priest spoke to me about the possibility of separating, he was confused as to why no one on catholic answers would defend marriage and offer advice to first try to work things out. My Priest disregarded divorce as having any relevance to the church, only a piece of paper soothe the lawers and bankers of separated couples. He insisted annulment is rare and difficult to obtain and even hinted that I would still feel married even if I could obtain one, as he said only God truly knows if my marriage is valid.

 

[SophiaCra]

I have NOT told my husband about my posting on here.

 

[Memaw]

I have NOT told my husband about my posting on here.

Why not??? We’d like to hear his side. Just kidding, One is enough! God Bless, Memaw

 

[SophiaCra]

Ok, I just read this whole thread and feel I should say something. To all the other posters here probably more than Sophia. Clearly few who posted HAVE a deep understanding of a true sex addiction. My husband was very similar to Sophia husband. I honestly did not know. In a true addiction the person cannot stop till they get help. STD, 100 sex partners. Yes, it happens even to Christians. For Me it was a knife not a razor blade.

. I will be praying for you. Feel free to pm me if you like.

I will PM you, thank you xx

 

[LongingSoul]

Now I know the baby could be his, I feel cruel on its mother for having a lavish wedding to the childs father during her pregnancy.

Over the course of your thread, I feel an odd jarring at certain things you say that demonstrate severely inhibited judgement. You had said this woman was in her 40’s, odd and with many different children to many different fathers. If she was an innocent young lass who had been seduced by your husband your concern for her would seem natural, but even with the benefit of the doubt here, it is your husband who consistently and unremorsefully has caused these travesties. Up till now, your ignorance makes you blameless, but now that you know what deviance he is capable of, you will begin to carry part of the blame in whatever hardships and lies he visits on other women during the course of your marriage if you bury your head in the sand and continue tolerate what are incredibly deviant and destructive behaviours out of a warped sense of devotion. You have to realise that until he admits the severity of his problem and seeks professional counselling, he isn’t going to change.

 

[SophiaCra]

Well, others could be lurking and reading this thread, so I don’t think our comments are in vain. If someone knows that their parents (who love them) would disapprove of the relationship, there’s something they need to look at more closely. This whole story is pretty wild, yes, but I’ve known people who are about that co-dependent, that they would be attracted to someone like this OP’s husband. What about all the women who marry inmates in prison for committing violent crimes?

My husband has never been abusive/ violent or even mean. He always acts like a perfect gentleman and treats me well. His cheating and lieing were very well hiden. I THOUGHT I had fallen for a perfect gent, a prince charming. He went to mass with me, helped with the wedding prep, liked kids and animals and even volunteered at YMCA. I don’t agree that I would be attracted to a prisoner convicted of violent crimes!

 

[SophiaCra]

If she was an innocent young lass who had been seduced by your husband your concern for her would seem natural…

I am not being sweet, I feel sorry for her and can empathise with her only because I envy her pregnancy so rawly. I WISH it were me carrying his child in my womb. The thoughts I have had about her and the innocent child range from pity to pure hatred. I found myself doing horrible things like googling how common miscarriage is at such late stage.

I cant pray because I know God knows what is really in my heart.

 

[SophiaCra]

So has your husband submitted his DNA sample yet?

We have contacted a firm who carry out DNA testing. They need to test all 3 (mother, baby and possible father) with a painless swab from inside the cheek. The cost is just under £300 and results will be ready in 7 days. The firm is approved by the CSA so if it were wo prove my husband is the childs father the mother can then use the results to press for financial support. My husbands sample has been taken, we are awaiting the birth to test mother and baby together.
Due date is 2nd July and she sees her consultant 28th June to check progress. I have asked my husband NOT to attend the check up or birth, just for my own sanity as I am struggling with the idea of the baby more now. Im dreading how I will feel if it is his child.

 

[RSD]

I have already apoligised that my posts are long and waffling/confusing. I did already state that during our separate time with our Priest I told him about my posting on here and the advice given by many of you was divorce separate annulment, many said my marriage was invalid and an annulment would surely be granted. THAT is why our Priest spoke to me about the possibility of separating, he was confused as to why no one on catholic answers would defend marriage and offer advice to first try to work things out. My Priest disregarded divorce as having any relevance to the church, only a piece of paper soothe the lawers and bankers of separated couples. He insisted annulment is rare and difficult to obtain and even hinted that I would still feel married even if I could obtain one, as he said only God truly knows if my marriage is valid.

It is BECAUSE we are Catholic, because we respect and value marriage, because we care about you and the salvation of your soul, that we do not want you, or anyone else in a similar situation, to continue in a travesty of marriage.

If your priest did premarital counseling with you both and had no idea of the extent of this man’s deception he is not capable of counseling you further.

 

[thewanderer]

It is BECAUSE we are Catholic, because we respect and value marriage, because we care about you and the salvation of your soul, that we do not want you, or anyone else in a similar situation, to continue in a travesty of marriage.
.

I agree. Many people here on CAF really do avoid counselling for divorce/separation/annulment in most cases. But when the case is as severe as yours, where your husband deliberately concealed his sex addiction, mulitple sex-partners, and possible children from you before marriage there is a really good reason to believe your marriage is likely invalid. Did you look at the excerpts of Canon Law posted earlier explaining in what circumstances an annulment is granted? One of the reasons so many people here feel so free to advise you to try for an annulment is because from what you have said your situation seems to be an extremely good candidate for an annulment. Another reason is that you are clearly in an unhealthy environment. You have become suicidal. That is neither normal or ok. You need to get yourself out of such a situation. Even if your marriage were clearly valid, you would still need to separate until your husband works on himself and improves himself enough that living with him is not a toxic situation for you.

 

[HandyAndy]

I can not stress it enough Sophia!

This is YOUR life and the only one…the ONLY ONE…who will wear the consequences of the decisions YOU will make…is YOU!

Weigh all advice offered to you by all means. Pray for courage, strength and wisdom. Make YOUR choices. It will be empowering!
What ever decision you make…make it YOURS! Take your power back! Draw on the strength of Jesus. Be strong! Be accountable! It makes you discerning.

Unfortunately, the easy option is to allow some one else to make the decisions for you. You give your power away. You no longer have accountability and it gives you some one else to blame. Just human nature I’m afraid. Don’t do it!

It always bothers me when people hand over THEIR lives or the major decisions governing THEIR lives…to people who will never have to live their recommendations or walk even one step in your shoes. Even this poster! These people always have the option to shrug their shoulders and simply walk away, with zero accountability.

My life and with God’s grace’s…MY choice! He always gives us a choice. Trust him and pray. YOU will see the right decision.

The good Lord has sent you many signs that YOU have picked up on. Good for you! Stay tuned in…he will send you more. Trust your instincts, for they are God given and given to us all at birth. Society, religion, family and friends, unfortunately try to turn them off through guilt or intimidation. Pray and listen to your instincts. They are God given.

 

[SophiaCra]

I can not stress it enough Sophia!

This is YOUR life and the only one…the ONLY ONE…who will wear the consequences of the decisions YOU will make…is YOU!

.

I was so sure on Sunday that I had made the decision, the correct decision for me ( to stay with my husband and fix our marriage) but now just a few days later Im torn again, I am starting to fret more over the unborn child and I cant shake the feelings of being used by him. I clearly have not made up my mind. Ideally I want to help him and bring him to heaven at the end of our days, but its so hard even just a couple of days into my journey Im tired, drained, sad and bitter. My husband is away for the next 3 nights for work and I am relieved to have my bed to myself. If I give up my fight and leave my husband I will update you again but for now I will end my post as I am conscious of the frustration im causing amongst you very lovely users. Thank you everyone who replied, I did read them all and appreciate them all. God Bless you friends xx

 

[bstorm]

I was so sure on Sunday that I had made the decision, the correct decision for me ( to stay with my husband and fix our marriage) but now just a few days later Im torn again, I am starting to fret more over the unborn child and I cant shake the feelings of being used by him. I clearly have not made up my mind. Ideally I want to help him and bring him to heaven at the end of our days, but its so hard even just a couple of days into my journey Im tired, drained, sad and bitter. My husband is away for the next 3 nights for work and I am relieved to have my bed to myself. If I give up my fight and leave my husband I will update you again but for now I will end my post as I am conscious of the frustration im causing amongst you very lovely users. Thank you everyone who replied, I did read them all and appreciate them all. God Bless you friends xx

Sophia, I hope you are still reading this. I want make just a few points.

First, do not let shame or fear stop you from making the decision that is right for you. For example - you are a newlywed and separating from your husband now would draw a lot of attention to you. Perhaps you are afraid that people will talk, gossip and wonder about you and your husband and it makes you afraid to leave the situation. Make the decision you feel is the best for YOU and do not worry about anything else. Do not be afraid. Also, you might want to consider a temporary separation from your husband, just to clear your mind and consider the problem with a “cool head”. Take a week or two away from him and make your decision with some detachment, not while you are in the heat of things.

Second, please reconsider telling your parents about this. I do think they will be a little more objective about your situation than you are. Also, I think that you need help. This is a very heavy burden you carry - let them help, do not carry this alone.

Third, the person you need to bring into heaven before all is you. You need to help yourself first, otherwise, you can loose yourself while trying to help your husband and nobody gets anywhere.

Fourth, I would really like to recommend to you a book by James Martin, a Jesuit priest, called “A Jesuit guide to (almost) everything.” Ignatian spirituality is very practical and I find the advice of St. Ignatius about how to make decisions very useful (chapter 12 in the book). You are facing a very difficult problem and need to make a decision - not just any decision, but one that will influence your life forever. It really needs to be the right decision - whether it is leaving your husband or staying with him.

Finally, if a friend came to you and told you that she just married a man and two months after the wedding found out that her husband has slept with a large number of women, potentially fathered a baby and has cheated on her already so early in their marriage and has kept all of that from you before your wedding - what would be your advice to her?

Good luck with whatever you do and most importantly, do not despair and do not be afraid. While you may not be able to control your husband, you do have a choice about what you do.

 

[HandyAndy]

Take your power back Sophia! YOU will determine what you say yes too! You will decide what is acceptable! They deal with you!..on your terms!..not theirs!

You’ve earned that right!

I sense that there is a women of great strength waiting to stand up and take her turn. Bare witness to the grace’s God has in store for her. The life HE has always wanted for you. Guarantee it will be better than the life you have planned for yourself. DON’T settle for less. It’s not his plan…never was.

A God of love doesn’t orchestrate such things for his children. Deception and lies belong to some one else.

You didn’t get this far by sitting on your behind!

Getting knocked down is the easy part…Its the getting back up that requires the grit.

Do it for YOU!

Do it for the future you were meant to have. The one designed for YOU by the one that loves you the most.

**Trust your instincts. ** God gave them to you for a reason. To keep us safe in spite of ourselves.

Take your power back!