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kbachler
Guest
I understand that. However, current scientific evidence doesn’t seem to agree.
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GraceDK
Guest
According to every scientific text on sexology I have read it indeed is.
Everything about sexual attraction is actually geared towards procreation from the moment you seize someone up and down and engage in conversation with them (if you are single and ripe for family). Even the other day I read that in the very first phase of infatuation a the male brain is very occupied with the throught about children.
Maybe you could enlighten us with some serious research on the very new theory that you hold… coz I admit, the new research on neorological research that I read was already a few days old…
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Castello
Guest
Since God designed the human body and all aspects (including sex) I will trust the manufacturer’s instructions!
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28562
Guest
So are you saying that it is not moral to have sex with my wife if I know it is during her infertile time?
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GraceDK
Guest
Im saying that sex is by nature ordered towards procreation. The nature of the act is one of procreation first and foremost and sexuality was called the generative power in earlier times. I use the words of the Church when I speak of primary and secondary ends. Both have to be there and cannot be seperated.
Some people use NFP if they for some serious reason cannot accept more children in their marriage at that point…
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kbachler
Guest
I will also. The issue is that we’ve been incorrectly reading the instruction manual.
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simplyrose
Guest
This guy hit the nail on the head! I am a married woman, and my husband and I (along with countless other couples) struggled with a mismatch of desire, drive and expectations. It almost destroyed us. It became a cycle of despair…for the both of us. As a woman, I felt like a sex object, that my husband only wanted me for one thing only. My desire for him is directly linked to how he treats me throughout the day. If he comes home in a bad mood, is dismissive or condescending, rude or unhelpful…well, let’s just say it’s hard to muster much oomph in the bedroom later when he “expects sex”. I cut him off. Things got worse. Then I just tried to “get it done and over with” in hopes that he would be more loving to me. Nothing improved and my self esteem plummeted. I felt, well, I felt like a whore.This is a very serious issue. You two are treading on VERY thin ice right now. You (and I mean YOU, not him) have to be VERY careful how you handle this if you don’t want to cause years of damage and heartaches and headaches between the two of you. If that sounds scary, GOOD. It should.
Please understand that there is absolutely NO quicker and easier way to push your husband away and cause resentment towards you than hurting him sexually. Once he is hurt and feels rejected, the resentment will soon follow and it will permeate every facet of your marriage. I really think it is natural for a man to feel this way and many (maybe most) women do not understand it. When a man feels unwanted sexually by his wife, unless you have been a man in that situation, you can’t understand the pain, the hurt, the frustration, the embarrassment of the fact that your wife doesn’t want to make love to you. PLEASE be compassionate when it comes to this. Try to understand where he is coming from and do everything you can to make it easy, because it is one of the hardest things to deal with in a marriage.
When I got married, I thought that we would not be able to keep our hands off of each other and we would be making love every chance we got. Boy was I surprised to find out that is not how it was…and my wife wasn’t very understanding of the hurt it caused me. After 6 years, we are now starting to heal our intimate life from the damage done since the beginning of our marriage. Most of it came (IMO) from a lack of understanding of each other. I thought it was something that she was just supposed to give me whenever and it should be easy for her to do so and she should want to. She thought that it was no big deal for me to do without just because she didn’t feel like it. You have to meet in the middle. I also didn’t understand that my attitude and actions throughout the rest of the day (like being in a bad mood or not helping out enough) caused her to not want to be with me. She didn’t realize that her lack of intimacy made me not want to go out of my way for the little things that were important to her. Someone had to budge first. It was me recently…and things have started to improve…a little. None of that has much to do with your situation right now I guess, but I just want you to see where you will get if you don’t solve this problem now and do it in a loving, understanding, compassionate way.
It takes a lot of maturity for a man to get to the point where he can understand that abstinence for a couple weeks does not mean he is not loved by his wife. I am just getting there at 27 after 6 yrs… But you can help him so it doesn’t take so long. You need to do or say whatever it takes to make him not feel rejected. When you said “I’m not willing to do this anymore”, he heard “ She doesn’t love me enough”. I would bet my paycheck on that. So now, after fighting his masturbation problem for all his life and thinking it would be solved when he got married, he is now thinking that he is going to be a married man that will have to take care of himself in that regard. It hurts our ego and self esteem more than anything else you could do. I promise. You can’t imagine the feelings of embarrassment a married man has when he feels that he has to do that because his wife said she doesn’t want him. Help him and BE UNDERSTANDING of his feelings. As a woman, you do not understand how difficult it is physically for us at times to abstain from sex. After all, that is one of the reasons that we got married—and now we are being told we can’t do it!
There is a lot more that I was going to say, but now I can’t remember it…maybe I will later.
Oh, and when you are not fertile, be like rabbits.It will make the times of abstinence MUCH easier to deal with when he knows he only has to hang in there a few more days and then all his waiting will be worth it.
With the help of marriage counseling and a lot of hard work and self examination, we managed to pull our marriage (and our love for one another) from the brink of divorce. Now he respects my emotions and my body (since he understands how closely they are linked) and I respect his needs for physical affection. We voiced our expectations and realized how off-base we were. We worked on that, too.
All that said, your husband needs your love and encouragement right now, most of all. Do not reject him. Do not punish him or stand righteously above him. Read over what above poster wrote and embrace it. With your gentle insistence, your husband will come around. You two will overcome this issue. And you know what, you may struggle with it now and again in your married life. Desire and drive waxes and wanes for both sexes as you age, have children, experience stress. It’s natural and okay.
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faithfully
Guest
I don’t understand how a man that has agreed to NFP to currently prevent children would be CONFUSED? What’s he confused about?
Does he not understand how a woman gets pregnant? He’s not being denied or forbidden.
He’s forcing his wife to hold them BOTH accountable for their mutual decision.
Now, if the husband in this situation is all about having children, and the wife isn’t then perhaps there exists some denial.
But let’s get real. If a MAN and WOMAN don’t want children at the moment, and they agree to NFP… He has ZERO grounds for saying he’s being denied. His wife is giving him information he should be acting on appropriately. NOT trying to push her into doing something they’ve AGREED not to. And then complain about it. To assume his wife doesn’t want sex and is denying him is insane. If a woman’s body is working correctly, her body INSANELY craves sex just at the time she’s to prevent it.
So, keep in mind the woman in this situation is always have sex at her least desirable times. Whereas men are generally ALWAYS ready to go. Women wax and wane. Her sacrafice is HUGE! Under the NFP umbrella, she NEVER gets to have sex when her drive is strongest.
I’m really tired of hearing how men are way more sexual. So NOT TRUE!
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mocbuster
Guest
I’m praying for you.
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lifeisbeautiful
Guest
Sorry, I was referring to this:
See, but even if Science was perfect, and studies made would reach perfect conclusions (regarding imperfect humans), human sexuality is so much more than its biological/physiological aspects.
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ryecroft
Guest
This fellow gives HIS OPINION on what he BELIEVES the Holy Father meant - that doesn’t mean his words are law - again, if the Holy Father wants to make it clear what ‘just’ cause means, he’s completely capable of speaking his mind with regards to this subject - to me it seems like it’s been spelled out that each couple is left to Prayerfully decide if they have just cause to avoid pregnancy or not. This blogger (who is getting his PHD in psychology and yes is a former episcopalian minister) may believe what he says, but no where does the Holy Father say we have to agree with this man’s OPINION on what are just reasons. The Holy Father has left this decision up to the Spouses, God and possibly a Spiritual advisor - I know my spiritual advisor would not agree with what this blogger says with regards to mental or emotional health where he implies that a just reason to avoid would have to be something as serious as schizophrenea or clinical depression - and the social ‘reasons’ he gives are those that for most are kind of out there…I just can’t take a blogger very seriously (regardless of background or education) who is writing an article on licit reasons for NFP use and gives as an example “Viking Invasions” and “Black Plague” - that really doesn’t help with regards to “real” world situations today.
God Bless
Rye
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CajunsforChrist
Guest
Just thought I’d post a prayer that may help you in your circumstances. It’s helped me so much! I read it every day and it keeps things in perspective for me 
Praying for Myself as a Wife:
Make me my husband’s helpmate, companion, champion, friend, and support. Help me to create a peaceful, restful, safe place for him to come home to. Teach me how to take care of myself and stay attractive to him. Grow me into a creative and confident woman who is rich in mind, soul, and spirit. Make me the kind of woman he can be proud to say is his wife.
I lay all my expectations at Your cross. I release my husband from the burdern of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You. Help me to accept him the way he is and not try to change him…I leave any changing that needs to be done in Your hands, fully accepting that neither of us is perfect and never will be. Only You, Lord are perfect and I look to You to perfect us.
Teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love.
Amen
Praying for Myself as a Wife:
Make me my husband’s helpmate, companion, champion, friend, and support. Help me to create a peaceful, restful, safe place for him to come home to. Teach me how to take care of myself and stay attractive to him. Grow me into a creative and confident woman who is rich in mind, soul, and spirit. Make me the kind of woman he can be proud to say is his wife.
I lay all my expectations at Your cross. I release my husband from the burdern of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You. Help me to accept him the way he is and not try to change him…I leave any changing that needs to be done in Your hands, fully accepting that neither of us is perfect and never will be. Only You, Lord are perfect and I look to You to perfect us.
Teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love.
Amen
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kbachler
Guest
What you’ll find if you continue reading is that while much of what you note above is true and/or at least relevant, THE FOCUS is wrong. Human sexuality appears to be structured TOWARD PAIRING (the unitive aspect first) WITH THE RESULT of procreation. Although procreation may be an ultimate goal, pairing (and maintaining the pairing for at least several years to raise the offspring) appears to be the primary goals.According to every scientific text on sexology I have read it indeed is.
Everything about sexual attraction is actually geared towards procreation from the moment you seize someone up and down and engage in conversation with them (if you are single and ripe for family). Even the other day I read that in the very first phase of infatuation a the male brain is very occupied with the throught about children.
Maybe you could enlighten us with some serious research on the very new theory that you hold… coz I admit, the new research on neorological research that I read was already a few days old…
More and more the physiological aspects support the unitive aspect first. (There’s even a “cuddle hormone” - right? Unnecessary if procreation is primary.)
Note that sexual attraction IS NOT about procreation. Its about pairing. Procreation is a result.
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kbachler
Guest
Guess I’m missing your point.
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ethereality
Guest
Be a Man! by Fr. Larry Richards; book, and they’re working on an audiobook since some men (perhaps especially the men you describe) don’t like reading (i.e. don’t have the patience to sit down with a book) and would prefer to listen while driving …If anyone has any good resources on Catholic spirituality for men, i’d really appreciate if you’d pass them along. And I mean Catholic resources for manly men. Strong, protective, breadwinning, leader-type, football-playing meat-eating manly men.
Also coming to mind is a group called The King’s Men: They hold retreats and small groups, generally focusing on men as leader, protector, and provider, and ‘iron sharpens iron’ (that men need relationships with other catholic Christian men) …
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teresadeavila
Guest
Great prayer, but can husbands also try to stay attractive for us wives??? Just wondering…Just thought I’d post a prayer that may help you in your circumstances. It’s helped me so much! I read it every day and it keeps things in perspective for me
Praying for Myself as a Wife:
Make me my husband’s helpmate, companion, champion, friend, and support. Help me to create a peaceful, restful, safe place for him to come home to. Teach me how to take care of myself and stay attractive to him. Grow me into a creative and confident woman who is rich in mind, soul, and spirit. Make me the kind of woman he can be proud to say is his wife.
I lay all my expectations at Your cross. I release my husband from the burdern of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You. Help me to accept him the way he is and not try to change him…I leave any changing that needs to be done in Your hands, fully accepting that neither of us is perfect and never will be. Only You, Lord are perfect and I look to You to perfect us.
Teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love.
Amen
C
CajunsforChrist
Guest
I think the prayer can definitely be role reversed.
Husband’s should try to stay attractive to their wives as well.
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Sapphire1022
Guest
I want to thank you all for your thought-provoking discussions and tangents my original post has spawned! It’s been really interesting, and good to hear everyone’s takes…
I especially want to thank 28562 for his posts. You seem like a very sincere man, and I am glad to hear your perspective. One thing I feel more and more is that when we have perspective - an idea of our partner’s perception, or we “put ourselves in their shoes” - we can be more loving, more merciful, and more constructive in the face of problems we encounter together…and 28562 really highlighted that. Thank you and God Bless!
“Be a Man” sounds great…going to get that from the library or maybe just buy a copy…
Thanks especially to everyone who has been praying for us. Your prayers ARE heard by God and I am so thankful for you.
I especially want to thank 28562 for his posts. You seem like a very sincere man, and I am glad to hear your perspective. One thing I feel more and more is that when we have perspective - an idea of our partner’s perception, or we “put ourselves in their shoes” - we can be more loving, more merciful, and more constructive in the face of problems we encounter together…and 28562 really highlighted that. Thank you and God Bless!
“Be a Man” sounds great…going to get that from the library or maybe just buy a copy…
Thanks especially to everyone who has been praying for us. Your prayers ARE heard by God and I am so thankful for you.
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28562
Guest
You are very welcome. Hopefully you can make things easier than they are for me now that you have some new found knowledge.
I started reading Be a Man this afternoon. I am about 1/4 done. It’s very interesting and I am looking forward to the rest…
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ryecroft
Guest
I have no doubt that with what she’s dealing with regarding her husband that she has looked at her reasons for avoiding- it’s not any of my business what they are and I won’t ask - that being said, even if they were to give up not having sex during fertile times, that still doesn’t give the husband a pass to demand sex whenever he wants it - that’s in line with marrital chastity as well. Sometimes I get the feeling that there is this idea that just because you’re no longer avoiding that this means anytime the husband (and not saying you said this) -then has the right to expect/demand sex at any time. It needs to always be something that both agree upon and desire.
God Bless
Rye
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