NFP and men's complaints

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PennitentMan

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Hi y’all.

Me again.

Since I realised that there is a big problem in some Catholic Marraiges, (at the suggestion of a dear friend) I thought I’d post here and let the guy air their feelings and view on NFP.

Tell us about your feelings on it, how it works for you, how it doesn’t work for you and where, if possible, you can suggest improvement.

This is for the guys to get things off their chest.

Thanks!
 
I love it…it makes it feel like I’m going to Disneyworld the day before I know phase III begins (we don’t do phase I). I ask her every month if we are ready for more kids (I am ready for whenever, she is not).

I have faith in the system and the science. I can handle abstaining for 2 weeks a month. It’s not that bad.
 
Although my marriage had many problems, NFP in and of itself was never an issue. Instead, the steady decline in my ex-wife ability to chart painted a clear picture of the underlying challenges she was dealing with long before she left the marriage.
 
Ray_Scheel said:
Although my marriage had many problems, NFP in and of itself was never an issue. Instead, the steady decline in my ex-wife ability to chart painted a clear picture of the underlying challenges she was dealing with long before she left the marriage.
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Sorry to hear that. I do all of the charting and interpreting…the wife just opens her mouth for the thermometer! 🙂
 
Married 7+ years, used NFP for all of it.

Hated it for the first 2+ years, but engaged in sullen obedience.

Eventually dawned on me that the reason I hated it was the reason it alone is an acceptable means for attempting to postpone pregnancy: it is incompatible with a view of sex that is self gratifying and uses the spouse as a thing instead of as a mutual expression of love.

All the ABC methods allow you to fossilize in the all-too-common attitude of selfish taking in regards to sex. NFP hits you in the face HARD if you bring that attitude in.
 
Love it. 🙂 Even thinking of barrier methods grosses me out and i don’t want to kill my wife so she’s NOT taking a pill or using an IUD.
I do the charting even though my eyes don’t always focus that early in the morning.
 
ForwardProgress said:
I love it…it makes it feel like I’m going to Disneyworld the day before I know phase III begins (we don’t do phase I). I ask her every month if we are ready for more kids (I am ready for whenever, she is not).

I have faith in the system and the science. I can handle abstaining for 2 weeks a month. It’s not that bad.
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I know what 1 week is for but what is the second week for?
 
Alright I’m not a man and I’m not married.

However, my parents used NFP and I often heard my dad telling others about it. He said that NFP allowed him to have a greater understanding of women’s bodies and sensitivity towards them. He also said it brought him and my mum closer. AND through being sensitive to her body he was also able to be sensitive when his teenage daughters were slamming doors and crying for no reason - or sitting with a hot water bottle in total pain! He always respected our privacy but never did the “gross out” thing or made us feel ashamed. I was shocked when I found out that not all men have this attitude towards women’s cycles.

By the way, my mum also became an NFP instructer! Maybe one day she’ll be able to help me with MY fertility.
 
Wow - personally I’ve been struggling for several years, as I think I’ve posted in other areas. NFP works, there is not issue there; it is the lack of sex and physical intimacy which has been the struggle. Not sex for the sake of sex, but the closeness it brings.
May sound odd to some men and woman, but I need the emotional intimacy as much as my wife. The difficulty for me has not been NFP so much as it is we only fairly recently found out what the Catechism says - no sex outside of intercourse between infertile times; so “being there for each other” in between infertile times is no longer an option. We never thought we were just using each other or did I ever think my wife was just for sex. But trying to understand and stick to the Catechism is a bear. I am not sure I am in full agreement on all of it, but then, agreement isn’t the point, is it?

The issue of what is defined as unitive comes up (here and on another site) especially where other sex acts are concerned in bringing each other to completion, and again especially where the man is concerned. By pure definition or some interpretations, for the man to finish outside of the woman at any time is not unitive because there is no physical connection. Maybe it is the human part of me vs the spiritual, but my thoughts have/had been that giving each other the physical pleasure that the gift of sex affords, and to me, the incredible emotional closeness of it, is in itself unitive because we are giving to each other out of love, not just lust. Even if the man is not inside of his wife every time, and we are still open to life in the infertile times. Splitting hairs, I guess. But I have found that because my wife and I have so little time together as it is, plus we use NFP, we get to have intercourse very infrequently, and since there is no other sexual intimacy, it has indeed affected our overall intimacy and for me, the physical and emotional enjoyment of any sexually intimate time we are afforded together.

I am praying harder and the Novena to St. Joseph for strength, but I find it very frustrating still.
 
manualman said:
Eventually dawned on me that the reason I hated it was the reason it alone is an acceptable means for attempting to postpone pregnancy: it is incompatible with a view of sex that is self gratifying and uses the spouse as a thing instead of as a mutual expression of love.

.
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then why use NFP at all, why not just abstain completely?
 
Finally an honest man. Yes its terrible! I think my wife uses NFP against me! Its her little weapon. I swear she puts those little baby stickers on whenever she is not in the mood. I think the lack of intimacy creates problems everywhere.
 
MysticalMan said:
Finally an honest man. Yes its terrible! I think my wife uses NFP against me! Its her little weapon. I swear she puts those little baby stickers on whenever she is not in the mood. I think the lack of intimacy creates problems everywhere.
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We were taught in our NFP class that is was the man’s responsible to chart the temperature (he hands the thermometer to his wife and records it when she is done). Other symtoms can also be charted together. You should not have to rely on your wife to know the fertile time. If she is using NFP to avoid sexual relations if you used another method she would still be making excuses. Your problem is not with NFP but the fact that your wife’s desire for intimacy is less than what you would like. I would suggest you sit down, have a talk and find out why.

Did you take a class togther? If you have the book The Art of Natural Family Planning you should review Chapter 17 together.
 
rayne89 said:
We were taught in our NFP class that is was the man’s responsible to chart the temperature (he hands the thermometer to his wife and records it when she is done). Other symtoms can also be charted together. You should not have to rely on your wife to know the fertile time. If she is using NFP to avoid sexual relations if you used another method she would still be making excuses. Your problem is not with NFP but the fact that your wife’s desire for intimacy is less than what you would like. I would suggest you sit down, have a talk and find out why.

Did you take a class togther? If you have the book The Art of Natural Family Planning you should review Chapter 17 together.
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First of all, she uses the mucus method. And I think I speak for every man when I say EWW! What am I supposed to do? Wipe her myself? I think privacy is good even in a marriage! Its not like she brings me the tissue paper to see and I finger test it myself. She can lie and say oh there was mucus honey put down a white stamp. I would love to put down the little stickers but I go to bed about four hours before she does. Charting needs to be done right before bed. She stays up and watches LMN movies while I try to get some ZZZs since I have to work and get up at 4AM!!!
 
MysticalMan said:
First of all, she uses the mucus method. And I think I speak for every man when I say EWW! What am I supposed to do? Wipe her myself? I think privacy is good even in a marriage! Its not like she brings me the tissue paper to see and I finger test it myself. She can lie and say oh there was mucus honey put down a white stamp. I would love to put down the little stickers but I go to bed about four hours before she does. Charting needs to be done right before bed. She stays up and watches LMN movies while I try to get some ZZZs since I have to work and get up at 4AM!!!
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She doesn’t work, the least she can do is do this charting herself. But then again, she probably thinks that is too much work!
 
On another thread, I read that your wife is a stay-at-home mom for 3 kids.

If she knows that you’re talking about her like this, I wouldn’t be surprised that she isn’t interested in you. I wouldn’t be either…
MysticalMan said:
She doesn’t work, the least she can do is do this charting herself. But then again, she probably thinks that is too much work!
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ack said:
On another thread, I read that your wife is a stay-at-home mom for 3 kids.

If she knows that you’re talking about her like this, I wouldn’t be surprised that she isn’t interested in you. I wouldn’t be either…
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Well she would never know. The kids go to school all day while she sits and watches TV. I have stopped home during lunch and saw it with my own two eyes. I am nothing but submissive with the wife. I am her bond slave.
 
MysticalMan said:
Well she would never know. The kids go to school all day while she sits and watches TV. I have stopped home during lunch and saw it with my own two eyes. I am nothing but submissive with the wife. I am her bond slave.
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Is she battling depression? It sounds as if other issues are going on that definitely need to be resolved for the happiness of both of you.
 
Yikes MM, I think you’ve got bigger problems here. I’m not saying you are to blame, because there are lazy women, with and without children, and I’m not questioning your frustration with her watching TV all day. But, if she’s watching phoney romantic TV shows then her idea of real love is seriously distorted. However, you have to take responsibility for the fact that your attitude towards her certainly will come across in your day to day dealings, and what woman wants to be intimate with a man who feels such a negative way about her (justified or not) The goodness, kindness and love must start somewhere, and since you’re the one not happy with the way things are, I guess it’s gonna have to start with you.
 
I am responding to the original post.

NFP is a tool. Like any tool, it can be abused.

When I used a screwdriver handle to pound on something, and the handle broke, I blamed the tool.

When I went on my honeymoon and ‘had’ to abstain, I blamed NFP.

In both cases, the problem was mine. 22 years later I realized how foolish I was.

NFP (and screwdrivers) is not some miracle tool that can magically solve all ‘problems’ and make life perfect. That’s la-la talk. As with any tool, it has reasonable purposes and circumstances and techniques of proper application. If applied for the wrong reasons, in the wrong circumstances, or in the incorrect manner, results will be poor. Just don’t blame the tool.

Dan
 
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