NFP is supposed to be good for marriage?

[Anniebananny]

Thank you for your viewpoint.

My husband would agree wholeheartedly with you that the abstinence is harder on him by far. He hates that too, and I’m sorry but I can’t help that. The big picture is always there in the back of my mind, and every time I think ‘maybe this once…’ I imagine myself pregnant and alone with 3 little kids.

I know that I also need to be making sure he knows how much he is loved and wanted. This has been an issue for us in the past, even before our current struggles. I have kids crawling all over me all day, and I just want to be done with being physical at the end of the day. I have to make myself switch gears and be romantic with him, when sometimes I just feel like he’s really needy.

Regular date nights help with that b/c I stop and look him in the eye, talk, and remember what brought us together in the first place. It also helps that we laugh a lot together. We had been so harmonious these last few months until the deployment came up and the need to chart obsessively and avoid pregnancy.

I like your system of her charting and you interpreting. And I’m sure that getting older makes all of this easier in many ways.

We wife and I are ending our years of fertility, so this is a look back on almost 30 years of marriage…

We’ve used NFP to avoid and to achieve successfully for the last 22 or so years. Before that, we used artificial contraception. Got pregnant on the pill and lost the baby.

NFP was such a struggle. My biggest gripe was that it sure seemed like it was much harder on me than on her. Sometimes I wished she felt the frustration I felt, instead of anger at me for whining or trying to have sex when I KNEW we agreed not to.

We have pretty much settled down in the past ten years. She charts and I interpret. So, it’s my decision, not hers. That really seems to help. Funny, but we always agreed when we were trying to conceive and agreed when we were trying to avoid, but splitting the duties meant that she isn’t always refusing me - I am looking at facts and applying rules. Getting older probably helps, too.

It’s good for a marriage if it is a burden taken on together. It’s good to come to grips with the fertile times and, with mutual respect and a desire to not "push the envelope, find ways to let each partner know that they are loved and wanted.

 

[PaulinVA]

Thank you for your viewpoint.

My husband would agree wholeheartedly with you that the abstinence is harder on him by far. He hates that too, and I’m sorry but I can’t help that. The big picture is always there in the back of my mind, and every time I think ‘maybe this once…’ I imagine myself pregnant and alone with 3 little kids.

Yes, it’s terrible that that is a concern, but it sure is.

I know that I also need to be making sure he knows how much he is loved and wanted. This has been an issue for us in the past, even before our current struggles. I have kids crawling all over me all day, and I just want to be done with being physical at the end of the day.

Yes, My wife used to tell me that. It’s a tough time in life for a couple.

I have to make myself switch gears and be romantic with him, when sometimes I just feel like he’s really needy.

My wife needs cuddling and talking to feel loved. Fully clothed. For some reason, that deep down helps her to know I love her. For me, frankly, there’s nakedness involved. She is a private person, so even though sex is not involved, she has, in effect, given herself to me totally. I don’t know why that is important to me, but it is.

It took time for us to trust each other and respect each others’ feelings, and at the same time give each other what we needed.

Regular date nights help with that b/c I stop and look him in the eye, talk, and remember what brought us together in the first place. It also helps that we laugh a lot together. We had been so harmonious these last few months until the deployment came up and the need to chart obsessively and avoid pregnancy.

Men like to have you put them number 1 on your to do list every once in a while.

I like your system of her charting and you interpreting. And I’m sure that getting older makes all of this easier in many ways.

Hey, we’re not dead! But, with me interpreting, there is really no one for me to get angry at. It’s just facts…

 

[louisak]

I have kids crawling all over me all day, and I just want to be done with being physical at the end of the day.

I’m sure you’re not alone in that. My wife doesn’t have that issue but I have heard other women say it.

 

[bunnykisses88]

I don’t know how a guy’s mind works. why is it that hard to abstain? haha. I know women can have their moments too but it does seem like it is much harder for guys.

 

[louisak]

I don’t know how a guy’s mind works. why is it that hard to abstain? haha.

Is that a rhetorical question, or are you really looking for an answer? Since you wrote ‘haha’ I assume it was a rhetorical question.

Sorry to be literal-minded but that is the way Internet forums are. People can’t see your facial expression or hear your tone of voice to know whether you are joking, angry, sarcastic, etc. So many misunderstandings arise because of this, leading to hurt feelings etc.

 

[maryjk]

NFP seems almost like a dance, and if only one person knows it, they just drag the other person around and make them feel resentful.

This is so incredibly profound.

NFP is much easier when both parties know how it works and are in agreement as to the reason for using it.

 

[PaulinVA]

I don’t know how a guy’s mind works. why is it that hard to abstain? haha. I know women can have their moments too but it does seem like it is much harder for guys.

Testosterone.

Unless you are awash in it 24 hours a day it’s hard to understand.

 

[bunnykisses88]

Is that a rhetorical question, or are you really looking for an answer? Since you wrote ‘haha’ I assume it was a rhetorical question.

Sorry to be literal-minded but that is the way Internet forums are. People can’t see your facial expression or hear your tone of voice to know whether you are joking, angry, sarcastic, etc. So many misunderstandings arise because of this, leading to hurt feelings etc.

oh sorry! umm I am sorta curious for an answer. I wrote ‘haha’ because I think it is kinda funny about guys and I feel that the question may be a stupid one…

 

[bunnykisses88]

This is so incredibly profound.

NFP is much easier when both parties know how it works and are in agreement as to the reason for using it.

that does make much sense.

 

[maryjk]

that does make much sense.

I record my findings on my calendar. It takes only a second for my husband to know if we are “safe.” That way, I am not a gate keeper.

If the husband is involved and understands how NFP works, then he can be a full participant. Again, no one has to be the gate keeper.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

My husband just asks when he thinks it is OK based on our set intentions.

He may have more “urges” but I have to say he NEVER has used them to cajole me, ever.

I think he is a saint, really. If saints can be disorganized with dark senses of humor!

Once we were abstinent a year b/c of confusing signs- he was a trooper.
Wiped a lot of purgatory off!

 

[louisak]

oh sorry! umm I am sorta curious for an answer. I wrote ‘haha’ because I think it is kinda funny about guys and I feel that the question may be a stupid one…

It’s not a stupid question. The only way you can understand other people’s feelings is by asking them to explain.

There are two ways to explain it: in terms of how men feel, and in terms of why they feel that way. To answer the first way, well, PaulinVA gave the only answer there really is. It’s all about hormones, and if you don’t have those hormones, you can never know what it feels like to someone who does.

For the second kind of answer (the ‘why’) it is all about survival. In many species, the male has a powerful impulse to mate with as many females as possible. Males will compete with each other, even fight to the death, in order to win the right to mate. This is nature’s mechanism for ensuring the survival of the species - the male who is strongest, fastest, etc. gets to pass on his genetic material to the next generation.

Human males also have the powerful impulse to mate with as many females as possible. Of course they don’t think about it in those terms. When a guy sees a good-looking woman in a bikini, he doesn’t think “Gosh I need to pass on my DNA”. All he knows is that he feels sexually aroused when he sees her. This is why men find it so difficult to stop looking at an attractive woman, especially if her clothes are revealing. By the simple fact of seeing her, that drive to reproduce has taken over and he is already in the first stages of arousal.

Of course if the man is a Christian (or has had a good upbringing) he knows that he needs to restrain his biological impulses and so forth. I’m not trying to reduce everything to biology. But you said you wanted to know why it is so hard for men to abstain, so there you go

 

[Anniebananny]

Then we need to do this ASAP. Thanks.

The online teaching can be just as good as face to face, and the lessons can certainly help. They address some of the theological aspects as well as the method. The teaching couples also offer some ongoing support (one on one) that is always helpful.

Some students find it is easier to open up a (especially with the husbands) when it is over the internet.

Something to consider…

 

[Anniebananny]

A year – I can’t even imagine!

My husband just asks when he thinks it is OK based on our set intentions.

He may have more “urges” but I have to say he NEVER has used them to cajole me, ever.

I think he is a saint, really. If saints can be disorganized with dark senses of humor!

Once we were abstinent a year b/c of confusing signs- he was a trooper.
Wiped a lot of purgatory off!

 

[Cerne]

Hi everybody, I’m new to the group. I am a 33-year-old mom of 3 beautiful kids. I’ve been married 5 years to my husband, whom I love dearly. We have an amazing life together, but right now we are facing one of our most challenging times yet.

First, a little background: Hubby and I have been open to life the past few years, and it shows, with 3 kids in 5 years. We’ve never had a real need to try to space our kids. Our third child was born while hubby was deployed for 10 months, and he never even met him until he was 6 months old. That was incredibly difficult, especially since we don’t live around family. I felt very lonely going through all of this without my husband, and thinking of all that he was missing. But we made it work, and even though I would have changed the timing of our son’s conception if I could, his arrival was a blessing and a joy in spite of the deployment.

Now, today, we have recently learned that my husband is deploying again in January – for either 6 months or a year, we have yet to find out. Our third child is is 13 months old now. We now have a reason to use NFP. We do not want to be having another baby while he is gone.

I got my first postpartum period only about 30 days ago. My son is still nursing a few times a day. So we are now on day 30 of this first cycle. I am charting using FertilityFriend, and I am a self-taught NFP-user. I learned from the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I am trying to apply the rules very conservatively, and because it has taken awhile to establish my BIP, this has involved a LOT of abstinence.

We sat down a couple nights ago and had an open, honest talk. He confessed to me that he feels “rejected” by me, and doesn’t think that a healthy marriage should have so much abstinence. I would agree. He feels like this is not a good way to spend the last few months before a possible year-long deployment. He resents the guilt that the Church is inflicting on us, with the requirement of no artificial birth control. (He’s a lifelong Catholic too, but was never taught the way I was that ABC is forbidden.)

I told him that it is hard for me too. I told him that sometimes I want to treat him like an “adversary” b/c he is not completely on board with NFP, and he also doesn’t share the same knowledge about it that I do from reading so much. Classes are not available where we live, even though I’ve been working on it. I want a face-to-face course, but will take the CCL’s long-distance course if we have to. I told him I know it’s wrong that I look at him like that, and almost feel like he’s trying to get me pregnant even though that’s not his intent.

Even if ABC was approved by the Church, I don’t even think I’d want to subject my body to it, but I am feeling pressured to even though he never actually said that I should. I feel so torn about it. We both know many people, both Catholic and otherwise, who use ABC. I personally find it impossible to believe that all of those good people are going to hell (especially the non-Catholics who have never been taught not to use it). But I told my husband that I don’t want to chance it for us. I sometimes feel like our faith is an unbearable burden, and that we’ve both been left to twist in the wind.

I also don’t feel it’s right that I hold all the keys to our love life. I am the one who knows all about NFP while he’s in the dark. I impose the rules because I’m the one who is still morally opposed to NFP, and although he agreed with me to practice NFP, he doesn’t really believe in it. I thought the Church also teaches that the man should be the leader of the family, but I am the one with the mysterious chart and the enforcer of rules that even I am beginning to question. Then there’s this deployment coming up. It’s all coming to a head.

I have no one to talk to about this. I’ve picked my mom’s brain about NFP, but I don’t want to share details about our marriage to her. I am glad to have a place where I can be anonymous, and I’m bracing myself for honest answers. Any advice would be appreciated.

Anniebananny, If you or your husband have doubts about NFP then I would quote from Pope John Paul II’s amazing work ‘Love And Responsibilty’.

Firstly he understood your problem. He wrote-
"Marital continence is so much more difficult than continence outside marriage because the spouses grow accustomed to intercourse, as befits the state which they have both consiously chosen."

The key to NFP and morality-
"When the idea that ‘I may become a father’/‘I may become a mother’ is totally rejected in the mind and will of husband and wife nothing is left of the marital relationship, objectively speaking, except mere sexual enjoyment. One person becomes an object of use for another person, which is incompatibile with the personalistic norm." "Human morality cannot be grounded in utility alone"

The title to your post asked if NFP is good for a marriage-
"the love of man and woman loses nothing as a result of temporary abstention from erotic experiences, but on the contrary gains: the personal union takes deeper root, grounded as it is above all in affirmation of the value of the person and not just in sexual attachment."

 

[Belle10]

We have pretty much settled down in the past ten years. She charts and I interpret. So, it’s my decision, not hers. That really seems to help. Funny, but we always agreed when we were trying to conceive and agreed when we were trying to avoid, but splitting the duties meant that she isn’t always refusing me - I am looking at facts and applying rules. Getting older probably helps, too.

It’s good for a marriage if it is a burden taken on together. It’s good to come to grips with the fertile times and, with mutual respect and a desire to not "push the envelope, find ways to let each partner know that they are loved and wanted.

This.

I chart, but when DH asks I just show him the chart. We took a class together (through CCLI) so he understands the biology and everything with the method. I suspect some thyroid issues so my cycle is always strange, with a short Phase III, so I understand about frustration.

We learned the STM two months after our youngest was born. My cycle didn’t come back until she was almost a year old, and for 5 months we abstained completely because the signs were so confusing. Five months was a long time, but we survived! My DH is not Catholic, so some of the moral teachings are difficult for him, but I think having him understand the method really helps. He is the one who wants to avoid pregnancy right now, so that kind of takes the pressure off me a bit.

If you do get pregnant and your husband is deployed, I volunteer to be your doula if I’m at all near where you are.

 

[Anniebananny]

I would love it if my husband could understand my chart. I think it looks like an intimidating amount of data.

After seeing how long you abstained, and one or two of the others, I may have to show him this thread!

I’m in eastern NC. Where are you?

This.

I chart, but when DH asks I just show him the chart. We took a class together (through CCLI) so he understands the biology and everything with the method. I suspect some thyroid issues so my cycle is always strange, with a short Phase III, so I understand about frustration.

We learned the STM two months after our youngest was born. My cycle didn’t come back until she was almost a year old, and for 5 months we abstained completely because the signs were so confusing. Five months was a long time, but we survived! My DH is not Catholic, so some of the moral teachings are difficult for him, but I think having him understand the method really helps. He is the one who wants to avoid pregnancy right now, so that kind of takes the pressure off me a bit.

If you do get pregnant and your husband is deployed, I volunteer to be your doula if I’m at all near where you are.

 

[Anniebananny]

Very interesting stuff. Thank you for sharing.

Anniebananny, If you or your husband have doubts about NFP then I would quote from Pope John Paul II’s amazing work ‘Love And Responsibilty’.

Firstly he understood your problem. He wrote-
"Marital continence is so much more difficult than continence outside marriage because the spouses grow accustomed to intercourse, as befits the state which they have both consiously chosen."

The key to NFP and morality-
"When the idea that ‘I may become a father’/‘I may become a mother’ is totally rejected in the mind and will of husband and wife nothing is left of the marital relationship, objectively speaking, except mere sexual enjoyment. One person becomes an object of use for another person, which is incompatibile with the personalistic norm." "Human morality cannot be grounded in utility alone"

The title to your post asked if NFP is good for a marriage-
"the love of man and woman loses nothing as a result of temporary abstention from erotic experiences, but on the contrary gains: the personal union takes deeper root, grounded as it is above all in affirmation of the value of the person and not just in sexual attachment."

 

[Anniebananny]

This cracked me up.

Hey, we’re not dead!

 

[Belle10]

I would love it if my husband could understand my chart. I think it looks like an intimidating amount of data.

After seeing how long you abstained, and one or two of the others, I may have to show him this thread!

I’m in eastern NC. Where are you?

I’m in Central New York - bummer. If you move up here let me know!

It looks like an intimidating amount of data to anyone at first. I was overwhelmed when we first started, but now it’s fine. It just takes instruction and study and practice, just like anything else. If he learns it in a class with you, it won’t all be on you. Knowledge is power!

Obviously I don’t know your personal history, but I’ll add this: DH and I were intimate before we got married (I didn’t understand the Theology of the Body at that point). Sadly, I can’t change my past, but thank God for forgiveness. Anyway, the point is that if you do have to abstain for a significant time, you could offer it up in reparation for a time when you turned away from God (sexually or otherwise). Just an idea that might make it easier to deal with those times of abstinance. It certainly doesn’t make them easy, but it can help a bit.