I agree that everyone has pluses and minuses. No one’s perfect. All I’m saying is that none of these guys was ready for a relationship. To actually love someone else you have to step out of the bubble of yourself. If you’re too insecure or afraid or whatever to actually see other people (as in stop thinking about yourself long enough to see other’s needs) you aren’t ready to be in a relationship. If all you’re thinking about if what you can get and not what you can give you aren’t ready to be in a relationship.
I wouldn’t be so quick to say all those guys thought about was what they could get. I hope not to offend you, but you’re starting from what they were lacking, i.e. the fire, the excitement etc., and from that point you conclude that it was they who were focused on what they could get for themselves, and moreover, or in consequence, they weren’t ready for a relationship. I am a little bit skeptical towards that logic.
You have to offer yourself and that takes courage.
I agree so far.
That’s why I’m saying it’s a good idea to take stock of what exactly you’re offering and how attractive it is.
However, here I can’t. We’re delving into demand-supply mechanics and that’s basically the laws of economy and not the way the delicate matters work between people. I think it’s generally a good idea to know where one stands, but I can’t really see any significant inherent worth in assessing one’s own attractiveness. Especially as it still is in the eye of the beholder and we will often be surprised at who is attracted to us (that we would never have thought) or who isn’t (even though it might look like a bargain for him or her from our point of view). The estimated attractiveness mechanics look too mercantile to me.
You want to be dated because someone is attracted to you and likes you not because they feel sorry for you. Pity relationships don’t last long.
I’m not sure how we even got to pity. Where is that idea from? Being nice to people instead of playing the bad boy card does not in any way imply craving or needing pity.
I know it’s cliche but the best advice I ever got on dating was: “Be the right person instead of looking for the right person.”
I would say I agree, but those popular wisdom quotations are often witty puns that are supposed to look brilliant, but when you think about them for a longer while, they aren’t really all so wise or universal. Sure, concentrate on being the best person you can be instead of looking for the best you can get. On the other hand, finding generally requires seeking. Many people say you find things when you don’t look for them (same thing is being said about looking for a wife or husband), but at the same time others will say, well, you didn’t seek, so that’s why you didn’t find. There’s plenty of contradictions in popular wisdom.
I agree. But there is a difference between someone who does good out of love and someone who does good because they need approval, or can’t say no, or are a doormat. These people are not altruists. On the contrary, they often end up resenting those they serve because they are being used, and no one respects them or cares about their needs.
That appears true but nowhere in Christianity is there room for holding those people in contempt because of their perceived weakness. Sometimes I get the impression that having a difficulty saying no, allowing oneself to be used, is regarded worse than actually using others, because, well, it’s weak. As in, it’s worse to be a loser than to be an abuser. While obviously, I don’t want to say it’s good to be a loser and it’s certainly not what I aim to be in my life, I’d rather be a loser than an abuser.
I suppose often people who make concessions for the sake of others, put others first and so on, are regarded as weak because they supposedly don’t have what it takes to become no. 1. Again, looking out for no. 1 is definitely not the quality that one should look for in a potential spouse (whether husband or wife) and looking up to those people, as supposedly strong and powerful, will lead to lamentable results. This is why I often take time to tell female friends, in real life or here on the boards, to make sure that they can defeat the impulse which makes them chase the “looking out for number one” guy as supposedly so masculine, strong, whatever (and that guy is not somehow more of an altruist than the “nice” guy, on any imaginary ground). Which does not mean I haven’t warned male friends against chasing certain types of women, either.
