Niece pregnant

[Young_Thinker]

However, simply declaring that adoption is easy is dead wrong. Adoption in years before worked becuase children were stolen and mothers were shamed. ** Certinally no one wants to go back to that aggregious behavior.**

Perhaps, but there is likewise certainly no need for the all of expenses and red tape that are required for the adoption of a child in the U.S. today. It especially hurts the children who are in need of a real home and family rather than living their early lives in an orphanage or a series of foster homes. There is an obvious reason why so many Americans are adopting babies from Russia or East Asia.

 

[purplesunshine]

Perhaps, but there is certainly no need for the all of expenses and red tape that are required for the adoption of a child in the U.S. today. It especially hurts the children who are in need of a real home and family rather than living their early lives in an orphanage or a series of foster homes. There is an obvious reason why so many Americans are adopting babies from Russia or East Asia.

The red tape is put into place for two reasons.

1. Babies were essenally stolen from their mothers. In a developed country such as America this can be legally persued. A teen who was tricked into adoption or undully pressured can later sue. Now, this is very scarry to an adoptive parent who raises the children, but is a great saftey and comfort to mothers and a warning to disgusting agencies who used vounerable teen girls as baby farms.
2. Children who are in the foster system in this day and age are not simple “orphans” many come with serious mental, physical and emotinal problems. Part of the red tape is to keep them from being re-abused and otherwise victimized.
3. in Russia or East Asia their is little red tape becuase there are alot of babies/children. But the cases of RAD and mental illness among Russian children…or even russian infants is well documented. Most of these children have been willfully abandoned, not cohersed. And their goverments offer no recompense and keep poor records, so even if a child was stolen there is no recourse.

 

[Young_Thinker]

The red tape is put into place for two reasons.

1. Babies were essenally stolen from their mothers. In a developed country such as America this can be legally persued. A teen who was tricked into adoption or undully pressured can later sue. Now, this is very scarry to an adoptive parent who raises the children, but is a great saftey and comfort to mothers and a warning to disgusting agencies who used vounerable teen girls as baby farms.
2. Children who are in the foster system in this day and age are not simple “orphans” many come with serious mental, physical and emotinal problems. Part of the red tape is to keep them from being re-abused and otherwise victimized.
3. in Russia or East Asia their is little red tape becuase there are alot of babies/children. But the cases of RAD and mental illness among Russian children…or even russian infants is well documented. Most of these children have been willfully abandoned, not cohersed. And their goverments offer no recompense and keep poor records, so even if a child was stolen there is no recourse.

All of this might be true, and I hope that I do not come across as being rude or unfeeling, but I still do not think that this issue is as simple and one-sided as you make it out be (which I construe as meaning, “Adoption should be almost impossible. Otherwise we will have more abused kids and young mothers going mad for the loss of their stolen babies,”).

 

[MadetoLove]

OP, I will offer prayers for you and your niece. I have a feeling that God is putting this situation heavily on your heart for a good reason. For what reason? I suppose only God can know that at this instant

I wonder about the conversations going on in this thread, though, as I do whenever people start talking about adoption. I myself had a child out of wedlock when I was 19. I kept the child, for I believe it was God’s will. Why is it, when someone posts a thread about a young girl being pregnant out of wedlock, people jump to extremes and make matter of fact statements about adoption? Either people are highly for it, as if it is usually the best for the child, or people seem to be very much against it, expressing that adoption should be the “last resort.”

I understand that people want to offer options and advice, but I just don’t think it helps much to say that the OP’s niece should do “this” or “that.” I also understand that God gave us brains to come up with practical solutions but not everything is always so black and white. The decision that this young girl has to make requires a lot of reflection and discernment.

 

[purplesunshine]

All of this might be true, and I hope that I do not come across as being rude or unfeeling, but I still do not think that this issue is as simple and one-sided as you make it out be (which I construe as meaning, “Adoption should be almost impossible. Otherwise we will have more abused kids and young mothers going mad for the loss of their stolen babies,”).

No I’m not saying that at all. I’m offering the other side of the issue becuase I think many people are being one sided. Adoption SHOULD be an option. But I don’t think we will ever restore it back to what it was years ago and I don’t think it should be.

For years, birthmoms have been slated as sluts and heartless or plain incompetant and stupid. This is why open adoptions came about. Moms gasp actually cared for their babies. God gave that child to THAT mother for a reason. When we take God out of the equasion it is easy to minimalize the pain of the mother.

Now, I do believe there are many, many situations where children should be unoquivically taken from their homes. I know there are many young mothers who should NOT be caring for an infant or child. I believe strongly that closed adoption is the BEST thing for many, many children. However, I believe closed adoption should be the last option (with abortion not being an option at all). Any child who is not a newborn (more than a month old) should be considered in the running for closed adoptions as it dosn’t take much time for damage to occur.

Open dosn’t need to be that the mom visits every week, month or even every year. It can be pictures and updates.

We tend to glorify old foster care situations like orphan trains and “Annie” but the truth is that while there are HORRIBLE problems in our current system, I believe they are better than what children faced decades ago.

 

[gmarie21]

However, simply declaring that adoption is easy is dead wrong. Adoption in years before worked becuase children were stolen and mothers were shamed. Certinally no one wants to go back to that aggregious behavior.
.

As an adoptee in reunion, I agree. There are some posters here who are disregarding the opinions of us adoptees, and frankly, who knows how adoption affects a child better than us? If you weren’t adopted, you really have no idea what it’s like, good or bad, so please, stop pretending that you do. The deeper I get in reunion, the more I love and appreciate both of my sets of parents. Would I have been better off not being adopted? I don’t know. My first father, I can say, would have done a similar job raising me as my parents did, my first mother, well it’s a chicken and egg thing (was her life post-adoption life disasterous because of relinquishment or would it have been that way regardless). So please, remember, it’s not that simple. And I type this a day after my mom asked my first father to look out for me when the day comes and she and my dad have passed away.

 

[Young_Thinker]

No I’m not saying that at all…We tend to glorify old foster care situations like orphan trains and “Annie” but the truth is that while there are HORRIBLE problems in our current system, I believe they are better than what children faced decades ago.

I see what you are saying.

 

[azgirl]

OP, I will offer prayers for you and your niece. I have a feeling that God is putting this situation heavily on your heart for a good reason. For what reason? I suppose only God can know that at this instant

Thank you so much for this. I am trying to understand what it is the God wants me to do. Ideally I want my niece to keep her baby and be the best mom she possibly can. It is so hard looking from the outside and seeing how her decisions are affecting her. Only time will tell I guess, so for the time being I will be doing a lot of praying.

 

[catharina]

Well to be honest what would you do if the mother WAS able to provide for her baby and wanted to but was doing so as a single parent, would you force her to give her child up for adoption

IMO, that’s a terribly odd question.
Why are you even asking it? Do you imagine that
anyone here would “force” an adoption? (Illegal and immoral.)

 

[happymommy]

MadetoLove;8160981:

OP, I will offer prayers for you and your niece. I have a feeling that God is putting this situation heavily on your heart for a good reason. For what reason? I suppose only God can know that at this instant

Thank you so much for this. I am trying to understand what it is the God wants me to do. Ideally I want my niece to keep her baby and be the best mom she possibly can. It is so hard looking from the outside and seeing how her decisions are affecting her. Only time will tell I guess, so for the time being I will be doing a lot of praying.

What do her parents think?

Here’s what happened in my family. My 15 year old niece got pregnant and my brother and sister in law that were never able to have children wanted to adopt him. She promised them the baby, then backed out of the deal, causing lots of pain. She wasn’t able to care for the baby, so her mother ( my sister ) and father have raised him as their son. He knows who his mother is, sees her everyday. She now has 3 other children. It’s tough!

I would tell her how you feel and help were you can.

 

[cmscms]

But that is often how it was in the days before the availability of artificial birth control or legal abortion. If the grandparents of the baby were still fairly young, they raised him as their own, with the biological mother being his big sister. In other scenarios where a child was raised by relatives, the birth mother was thought of as an aunt. While it was probably very often a little uncomfortable to the birth mother, it was in the best interests of the child, and she had to get used to it. She still could see and hopefully have a close relationship with her child while he was growing up, and once he grew up, she could always tell him that she was his real mother and try to “reconnect” with him, whether or not his adoptive parents are still in his life. Sometimes, a boy or girl was raised by his grandparents, and if they died while he or she was still little, his real mother could take him in; hopefully, by that time, she would be more mature and able to support him, ideally with the help of a sympathetic stepfather.

I never said that never happened, I said it is not fair to the mom. Perhaps the reason it happened back then is because families were so big no one would have wanted to adopt the child. But now that there are plenty of people willing to adopt, I think it is uncessary torture on the birth mother. How could a kid trust anyone who says to them ‘Now that you are 10 you deserve to know the truth, I am not your aunt I am your mom’ The kid would never trust the mom. Read Rayne89’s post to see what I am talking about

CM

 

[Catholic90]

Someone I know had a baby while unwed. She placed her baby in an open adoption (not anyone in her family). The birth mom and her family see the child, and the child knows she is his birth mom. They all see each other several times a year (including the birth mom’s parents seeing the baby, so it is like the child has extra sets of grandparents). Everyone gets along well.

 

[Young_Thinker]

I never said that never happened, I said it is not fair to the mom. Perhaps the reason it happened back then is because families were so big no one would have wanted to adopt the child. But now that there are plenty of people willing to adopt, I think it is uncessary torture on the birth mother. How could a kid trust anyone who says to them ‘Now that you are 10 you deserve to know the truth, I am not your aunt I am your mom’ The kid would never trust the mom. Read Rayne89’s post to see what I am talking about

CM

I understand. I guess that I am coming from the idea of trying to keep a real connection (not just a birthday once in a while, a telephone-call or an e-mail here and there, or a get-together once every 10 years) and not focusing so much on the biological mother herself.

 

[gmarie21]

I never said that never happened, I said it is not fair to the mom. Perhaps the reason it happened back then is because families were so big no one would have wanted to adopt the child. But now that there are plenty of people willing to adopt, I think it is uncessary torture on the birth mother. How could a kid trust anyone who says to them ‘Now that you are 10 you deserve to know the truth, I am not your aunt I am your mom’ The kid would never trust the mom. Read Rayne89’s post to see what I am talking about

CM

Every adoption story is different. I have a cousin who was adopted by an aunt, and when that aunt passed away, he went back to living with his mother (she was more stable by then). It was never a secret who his mother was, never. Trust issues come to play only when secrets are in play. If the truth is always discussed, while there may be issues, the trust issue with the guardian is not there (yes, there are other trust issues, but that happens with most adoptees no matter the circumstances).

 

[catharina]

Every adoption story is different. I have a cousin who was adopted by an aunt, and when that aunt passed away, he went back to living with his mother (she was more stable by then). It was never a secret who his mother was, never. Trust issues come to play only when secrets are in play. If the truth is always discussed, while there may be issues, the trust issue with the guardian is not there (yes, there are other trust issues, but that happens with most adoptees no matter the circumstances).

Great description. Thanks.

 

[purplesunshine]

I never said that never happened, I said it is not fair to the mom. Perhaps the reason it happened back then is because families were so big no one would have wanted to adopt the child. But now that there are plenty of people willing to adopt, I think it is uncessary torture on the birth mother. How could a kid trust anyone who says to them ‘Now that you are 10 you deserve to know the truth, I am not your aunt I am your mom’ The kid would never trust the mom. Read Rayne89’s post to see what I am talking about

CM

Secrets are never good.

However, why do you think that seeing a child grow up is harder on a mother?

Do you think mothers just “get over it”? Most describe looking at every child they encounter for their blue eyes, their hair…wondering. They can’t breathe when they hear of a tragedy that involves a child their child’s age wondering if that may be him or her. They wonder what toys, music and friends the child would have. Most celebrate the child’s birthday as a somber day.

I don’t think it had to do with “no one wanting the child” certinally closed adoptions of infants were quite popular. However, I think that people DID get that “we take care of our own”. And that a mother seeing her child was better than being separated. And again, as another poster stated…its the secerets…not the situation.

 

[Paddy1989]

IMO, that’s a terribly odd question.
Why are you even asking it? Do you imagine that
anyone here would “force” an adoption? (Illegal and immoral.)

Surely some here have made it clear that if THEY feel the child is not in the environment it need’s then the child should be given up for adoption. This is regardless if the mother can provide for it or not

 

[purplesunshine]

Surely some here have made it clear that if THEY feel the child is not in the environment it need’s then the child should be given up for adoption. This is regardless if the mother can provide for it or not

Yep. It seems as if some here are willing to strip unwed mothers of their rights on the basis that they are unwed mothers.

 

[gmarie21]

That wasn’t very nice to say. That is probably a young person who has grown up in an adoptionless environment. Most young people now days believe that if a girl gets pregnant, she should try to keep the baby - there is no shame any more in being an unwed mother, and the child is no longer called a “bastard.” It’s been over 30 years of the only choices being keep the baby or get an abortion, it’s really not something young people know about or think about.

Seriously, you should listen more to adoptees and their opinions on the subject. There are so many things non-adoptees take for granted, basic simple things. Find out from adoptees what they think. I support adoption, but as another poster stated, as a last resort (abortion, to me is not an opinion, but obviously in a non-Catholic environment I would qualify the no-abortion more forcefully). And just to add an adoptee qualifier so I’m not seen as bitter nor ungrateful, I LOVE my parents and thank God for them, but I would have been okay with my first parents too.

 

[catharina]

Surely some here have made it clear that if THEY feel the child is not in the environment it need’s then the child should be given up for adoption. This is regardless if the mother can provide for it or not

So what? Why are you asking about “force?”
“Force” is another concept entirely.

So why are you asking about it?