Nightmare marriage to Asperger Syndrome Spouse - can I get annulment?

[Catholic1954]

I was married in the Catholic church 20 years ago to a protestant man. It was our first marriage. We dated for only 3 months before getting engaged since he was from another country which he had to return to since his work visa here had expired. We were very much in love and decided to get marry 3 months after. I visited his homeland and met his family prior to our marriage. His work visa required him to return home and work there before he could return to the US (we had consulted with an immigration attorney who said a green card would not help the cause and that he would have to put in his time abroad so that meant me moving there. Perhaps it would have been more prudent to move to his country to live with him first since we had only known each other for 3 months before he moved back however being a practicing Catholic I chose not to do that and since he appeared to be the man of my dreams we got married 6 months after having first met.

After we were married here in the US, I moved to his country where we lived for several years. Much to my surprise and sadness, he was not the kind, thoughtful man who cherished me that I thought I had married. To the contrary he was emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I had heard that the adjustment for newlyweds can be difficult and figured it was just that. My Aunt and parents came to visit me and were surprised to to see this change in him. They were sad and concerned for me. I had seen a psychologist for support when there and ended up leaving for a week finding a flat on my own but then he begged me to come back and I did. I eventually moved back to the US. A few years later he joined me. Our marriage has been a constant struggle for me from day 1. I have left him multiple times but he always promised to change, seek help and treat me better so I returned. I have worked with more than 7 psychologists trying to cope with my marriage, have read numerous books and went through the entire Landmark program. He has seen a few of psychologists but never with serious intent - only to appease me. Almost 5 years ago we adopted our only child and I have concerns for her emotional well–being too. This past November we found out that he has Aspergers Syndrome (AS) which explains his anti-relationship behavior and inability to make lasting and deep changes.

I am not the random person who has found someone better or is bored with her marriage – in fact I have always been faithful to my husband but can no longer go on in this lonely and depressed state which I have learned is the typical result of living with an Aspergers spouse. This is an awful disorder that not many folks are aware of. I have read a few books on it and have been learning more and more. It’s typical that the AS spouse exhibits loving, outgoing and charming behavior during courtship until he "hooks’/ marries his spouse then the AS behavior manifests. He definitely had me, my family and friends fooled. Based on my research and my husbands current behavior I believe there is no hope for the change that would need to take place to have what a marriage is suppose to be.

I know the church has no problem in getting divorced and leading separate lives but it would be my hope to receive an annulment and find a loving man to marry eventually. Can someone give me guidance here please letting me know what their thoughts are on the prospects of receiving an annulment. Here is a link to research showing how the Neurotypical spouse (normal person without AS) suffers theneurotypical.com/impacts_deficits_in_NT_March_28_2011.html

I attend mass every Sunday and go to confession 3-4 times per year.

Thank you very much for any guidance!

You really need to make an appointment with your priest and consult with him about an annulment; he will be in the best position to advise you. Annulments are granted on a case by case basis according to the state of mind of the parties involved at the time of the wedding. The recent discovery of your husband’s Aspergers may be a factor, but only the priest will know for sure. It sounds like your daughter is in an emotionally unhealthy home; her needs must be your first priority.

 

[runningdude]

MJ Jean, Runningdude & IlikeCereal thank you for your kind responses and support which I really do appreciate.

I was taken back by some of the other replies with accusatory fire & brimstone tones. I am happy to direct anyone to books and forums on Aspergers which state that it’s common for Aspie spouses to behave lovingly to woo their prospective mates and then change after marriage. For those who suggest staying in an emotionally abusive marriage after doing everything in my power to try to make it work for 20 years I invite you to walk in my shoes.

I am so happy to hear you take this awful advise in stride. Abuse is such an insidious activity, and advise to stay in an abusive situation, especially long term situation, is quite frankly, (insert strong language here).

I just read on another that even “staying for the kids” is a very poor reason, because your kids will witness and think this unhealthy behavior is normal. I wrote another post here yesterday emphasizing how important a healthy message and setting a good example is for raising the kids. Please take care of yourself and child!

 

[agnes_therese]

I am quite a bit offended by this thread. My husband and son both have AS and are the sweetest, most loving and faithful people I know. Yes, it is difficult to work with some of their social deficits, but they are wonderful. I wouldn’t want them any other way.

I know social skills training and cognitive behavioral therapy go a long, long way to help.

It seems, as another poster said, her husband may also be a narcissist. Unfortunately, the OP seems to have decided that everyone with AS is like that. That’s a serious mischaracterization of AS, and very sad. Even sadder is that she’s trying to spread her misunderstandings.

The real issue is whether she should leave her husband and try to get an annulment. No one is required to stay in an abusive marriage. Whether she can get an annulment is a question that none of us here can answer. The sooner she speaks to a priest, the better.

 

[MJJean]

She stated her husband never physically abused her. Marriages can be rough, to say the least, but marriage is forever. Sometimes it is best to put on " big woman pants" and become the long suffering spouse because of your vows. If your children are being harmed of course you must protect them. Legal separation may be the only option besides divorce.

It doesn’t matter if the abuse is not physical. Emotional abuse is just as damaging.

I understand the Church’s teachings on the matter allow for divorce is these situations. The Church requires a spouse to make every attempt to repair the broken marriage, which the OP says she has done. The Church does not require us to stay in abusive marriages.

Not all marriages are forever. That’s why the Church has tribunals in the first place. The Church knows that there are an awful lot of marriages that aren’t actually marriages, no mater how long they lasted.

Sometimes, it’s best to put on “big woman pants”, pack yourself and your child a bag, and get a lawyer.

 

[KrazyKat]

It doesn’t matter if the abuse is not physical. Emotional abuse is just as damaging.

I understand the Church’s teachings on the matter allow for divorce is these situations. The Church requires a spouse to make every attempt to repair the broken marriage, which the OP says she has done. The Church does not require us to stay in abusive marriages.

Not all marriages are forever. That’s why the Church has tribunals in the first place. The Church knows that there are an awful lot of marriages that aren’t actually marriages, no mater how long they lasted.

Sometimes, it’s best to put on “big woman pants”, pack yourself and your child a bag, and get a lawyer.

Yes, leave and get a divorce, a perfect and safe reasonable choice. But with the knowledge that you should never marry again, unless your divorced spouse dies.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s a book entitled “Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work” by a woman who was married to her husband for some time before he got a diagnosis and they were able to improve their marriage. It’s short and worth a look. I suggest, actually, that both you and your husband read it and you explain frankly to him what your feelings are. The couple in that book was (just like you) not from the same country, married after a whirlwind romance, and then the husband started doing many of the things you are familiar with. (One of the really sad stories from the book has him refusing her toilet money when they are in an airport for several hours.)

 

[Walking_Home]

MJJean:

It doesn’t matter if the abuse is not physical. Emotional abuse is just as damaging.

I understand the Church’s teachings on the matter allow for divorce is these situations. The Church requires a spouse to make every attempt to repair the broken marriage, which the OP says she has done. The Church does not require us to stay in abusive marriages.

Not all marriages are forever. That’s why the Church has tribunals in the first place. The Church knows that there are an awful lot of marriages that aren’t actually marriages, no mater how long they lasted.

Sometimes, it’s best to put on “big woman pants”, pack yourself and your child a bag, and get a lawyer.

Yes, leave and get a divorce, a perfect and safe reasonable choice. ** But with the knowledge that you should never marry again, unless your divorced spouse dies**.

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She can marry again – if the tribunal declares the marriage to the current husband to be invalid.

 

[Xantippe]

“Based on my research and my husbands current behavior I believe there is no hope for the change that would need to take place to have what a marriage is suppose to be.”

I don’t think that is correct. There may be no hope in your particular case (especially if your husband refuses therapy or marriage counseling), but it is possible to have a very happy marriage to an Aspie.

 

[KrazyKat]

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She can marry again – if the tribunal declares the marriage to the current husband to be invalid.

Man says this, not God. What God has joined together, no human being must separate.

 

[Walking_Home]

Walking_Home:

She can marry again – if the tribunal declares the marriage to the current husband to be invalid.

Man says this, not God. What God has joined together, no human being must separate.

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When a tribunal declares a marriage invalid – it has determined it was invalid from the start and there was no joining by God.

 

[femmetriste]

Running Dude & MJJean – Thank you for your kind supportive words and for acknowledging that no one should stay in an abusive marriage (especially when abusive spouse is unwilling to make lasting change). Your posts helped dismiss the sadness and frustration I was feeling for receiving some unexpected antagonistic & unhelpful posts.

I did find a website (link below) which states a newer grounds for an annulment which is:
“Psychic incapacity. If a person is incapable of fulfilling the burdens and obligations of marriage, the marriage can be annulled.”
americancatholic.org/messenger/sep1998/feature1.asp
This site also addresses the flawed theory of “you made your bed now lie in it” which some posters embraced.

Longing Soul – thank you for your response – I feel for you too – glad though that your son turned out to be a fine young man – I am sure that was largely due to your positive influence

90 Domer – that’s great that your Aspie hubby and kid are a pleasure to live with – consider yourself one of the lucky ones

Allegra and others who think I am incorrect in my assessment of my situation w/ my Aspie husband you need to visit this site:
faaas.org/otrscp/
If you don’t have time to peruse it – here are a few quick excerpts:

“Ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome (OTRS) or Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS) is a new trauma-based syndrome, which may afflict individuals who undergo chronic, repetitive psychological trauma within the context of an intimate relationship.
Family members of individuals who have social disorders, such as Asperger Syndrome or sociopathy, generally suffer ongoing psychological trauma. The damage is insidious may continue for decades.
OTRS/CP needs to be incorporated in the DSM-5, because most professionals did not receive any training with respect to AS and neurotypical relationships, given its very recent recognition. We also agree that there is no need to blame or stigmatize any individuals for having neurological differences. Families can deal cooperatively with the issues they encounter, utilizing outside help if need be, without blaming and stigmatizing the neurologically different individual.”

Xantippe – thank you so much for your recommendation of the book which I will make a point to read especially since the author’s experience seems to be similar to my own – would you mind if I send you a private message?

 

[KrazyKat]

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When a tribunal declares a marriage invalid – it has determined it was invalid from the start and there was no joining by God.

Okay. So for years you lived in sin and any children were then born out of wedlock and were in fact bastards. All because the tribunal declares your marriage was invalid.

All this so you can have another trial run at marriage.

 

[Walking_Home]

Okay. So for years you lived in sin and any children were then born out of wedlock and were in fact bastards. All because the tribunal declares your marriage was invalid.

All this so you can have another trial run at marriage.

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If a couple marries in the Church – the marriage is presumed to be valid. If something happens that leads to divorce – and one submits a case to a tribunal for examination of validity – which finds the marriage to have been invalid from the start – there is no sin in having lived in such a situation. Furthermore – we should Never call a child/children bastards.

 

[KrazyKat]

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No – there is no sin – in having lived in an invalid marriage and one should never call any child/children bastards.

Bastard; illegitimate : born of unwed parents. Either word is not nice, I do not care for them and I did not originate them.

How it was deemed that a tribunal can invalidate a marriage and then call the time spent together not a sin is very difficult to understand.

Guess this is one of those “because Mother Church says so’s”.

 

[1ke]

Okay. So for years you lived in sin and any children were then born out of wedlock and were in fact bastards.

There is no sin in a putative marriage. The Church defines a putative marriage as one in which at least one party entered in good faith. (Can. 1061.3)

There would be sin in a purposely *fraudulent *marriage-- one in which neither party entered in good faith or intention of a valid marriage.

Children of a putative marriage are legitimate. (Can. 1137)

All because the tribunal declares your marriage was invalid.

You state in your profile you are a Catholic. It seems odd, then, that you would take issue with the Church’s God given authority to bind and loose.

All this so you can have another trial run at marriage.

It is not clear to me why you are being purposely beligerent and uncharitable on this thread with all of your above comments.

Reported.

 

[KrazyKat]

There is no sin in a putative marriage. The Church defines a putative marriage as one in which at least one party entered in good faith. (Can. 1061.3)

There would be sin in a purposely *fraudulent *marriage-- one in which neither party entered in good faith or intention of a valid marriage.

Children of a putative marriage are legitimate. (Can. 1137)

You state in your profile you are a Catholic. It seems odd, then, that you would take issue with the Church’s God given authority to bind and loose.

It is not clear to me why you are being purposely beligerent and uncharitable on this thread with all of your above comments.

Reported.

This is the first time I have heard the term putative marriage. I am not trying to be belligerent, sorry if it comes across that way. I do not question the Church’s authority.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

It amazes me that where I thought I would have found responses offering peace, hope and the love of Christ I received quite a few antagonistic ones - even after apologizing for having offended some AS folks. in fact I regret posting since it only caused me more grief. I am obviously better off in a forum for spouses dealing with AS partners - there I can find understanding and empathy even though most of the posters are most likely not Catholics.

To those of you who offered kind words and understanding of my situation thank you - and thank you for being a good example of what our faith is suppose to be about… love.

Here is a thread you not only should read but you should participate in it.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=818434

 

[Xantippe]

“Xantippe – thank you so much for your recommendation of the book which I will make a point to read especially since the author’s experience seems to be similar to my own – would you mind if I send you a private message?”

Go right ahead!

 

[90Domer]

MJ Jean, Runningdude & IlikeCereal thank you for your kind responses and support which I really do appreciate.

I was taken back by some of the other replies with accusatory fire & brimstone tones. I am happy to direct anyone to books and forums on Aspergers which state that it’s common for Aspie spouses to behave lovingly to woo their prospective mates and then change after marriage. For those who suggest staying in an emotionally abusive marriage after doing everything in my power to try to make it work for 20 years I invite you to walk in my shoes.

I would be happy to share mutual references with you, as I do not agree with your assessment. Generalized comments like this set the quest for genuine understanding and acceptance back 25 years.

 

[90Domer]

Apologies to any of you who have Aspergers or have relatives who have Aspergers and took offense to my post. I think the younger the person is and learns ways to connect with others the easier time he/she will have in intimate relationships. Unfortunately that was not the case for my husband. The fact that his parents had a miserable marriage didn’t help. There are occasional success stories of Asperger/Neuro-Typical marriages working (like David & Kristen Finch) but I am learning they are rather uncommon. Statistics show an 80% divorce rate among these couples. While some of you think Aspergers Syndrome and emotional abuse (which may be unintentional) are unrelated the sad truth is that they are not in most cases. Here are a few links:
theneurotypical.com/impacts_deficits_in_NT_March_28_2011.html
forums.delphiforums.com/n/main.asp?webtag=aspartners&nav=start&prettyurl=%2Faspartners&gid=1890663291

I know there may be exceptions like those of you who have responded who have AS or whose relatives have AS and I certainly didn’t mean to offend you!

These stats have never been proven…they have been thrown out all over the place. Making an accurate AS diagnosis in adulthood is really tough. And please do us special needs moms and dads a favor and do not generalize. AS is, quite often, part of CLUSTER diagnosis.