No sense of community

[ConfusedLucy]

This. I tried the same thing as Confused Lucy for years, did nothing but fail.

“Unless the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.” Psalm 126 [127]:1

It’s important to know when to stop trying because the constant trying and failing just makes things worse. I actually stayed for tea and coffee last week and it wasn’t too bad. Spoke to the lady sitting next to me. I just don’t feel I have a natural affinity with other Catholics for some reason.

 

[faith4ever]

I’ve been lurking on the Catholic Answers Forum for quite a white, and this post made me decide to actually register and post, because I agree completely and I have an issue with this, and it frustrates me!

I’m trying to grow in my faith, but it’s hard to do that alone. When most of your friends don’t have catholic values it makes you the loner, and you don’t really have anyone to talk to about your faith. I believe that one thing that will really help me be a better catholic would be to be around fellow Catholics, and be friends with them. I’m 22, and at most of the time there’s hardly anyone around my age at mass, and if there is what am I supposed to do? Run up to them after mass and say “Hey let’s be catholic friends!” that would be weird. This would be extra weird if if she were a cute girl (Hey, If I’m going to date someone I’d rather her be catholic. with no sense of community this seems impossible.)

It seems that protestants have all kinds of bible studies and fun little community things in which they are all a family of friends in which together they can grow in their faith. there seems to be none of this for us Catholics. Just like you said joshrp, it’s like we’re all loners in our faith. I see what my “non denominational” friends (or whatever they call themselves) have with their community of religious friends, and it’s beautiful! I want that! but there’s nothing for us. It’s a little disheartening.

I even had a conversation about this with a non catholic friend, and his main gripe with the church is that he feels that it’s not very welcoming (IE no sense of community)

I think that just saying join activities is missing the point. As a convert from 18 years ago, I see this as a huge issue. Other Christian denominations do fellowship way better. There aren’t nearly enough fellowship opportunities for anyone.

Part of it seems to be US Catholic culture, and as someone who us not a cradle catholic I don’t know why this is so. But here’s an example: I came in through RCIA from the Episcopal Church. In that church when you sponsor coffee hour you bring something you made. You don’t go pickup donuts the church has to pay for. And they have it year around.

I think that gets to the heart of why there aren’t more dinners and parties in our churches…for some reason a lot less commitment. Episcopalians are busy too, maybe even busier. It’s about the church cultures. I still can’t believe the church has trouble getting people to go pick up donuts! Even single men in the Episcopal church would bake all day Saturday to sponsor coffee hour.

And leave before the last hymn was over? Never. First it’s rude and second you’d miss coffee hour. But seriously I’m with the first commenter. It’s a huge problem and it’s a Catholic problem.

 

[Viki63]

My church has 2 Bible studies, and people of all ages go to them. One is before mass on Sundays, the other one during a weekday evening. They are really great. It’s a formal Bible study, which the poster doesn’t seem to like, but if we all know when it’s happening we can make plans to show up. Some people drive 20 miles for them. In addition to studying the Bible we pray for one another. There is a great sense of community.

I’ve made friends at the study I attend, and get together with one woman for Adoration once a week, and afterwards we go out for lunch. I go for coffee with another friend sometimes after mass. These are really great outings for me.

I hope you can find something like that.

/

 

[psr13]

I agree with the OP and many other posters. As a convert from Protestantism, the lack of community is shocking, even to an extremely shy introvert such as myself.

I’ve noticed especially that there is a lack of anything that my husband and I would fit into. We’re in our early and mid 30s, married for almost ten years, and without children (not due to using birth control). We don’t fit in with the older people, the younger people, the singles as they’re mostly a good deal younger, the people our age as most are married with kids, or the newly married folk since we’re at a completely different point in our lives. It’s very, very hard to be a Catholic who is married and unable to have children, especially when it comes to wanting a feeling of community.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I agree with the OP and many other posters. As a convert from Protestantism, the lack of community is shocking, even to an extremely shy introvert such as myself.

I’ve noticed especially that there is a lack of anything that my husband and I would fit into. We’re in our early and mid 30s, married for almost ten years, and without children (not due to using birth control). We don’t fit in with the older people, the younger people, the singles as they’re mostly a good deal younger, the people our age as most are married with kids, or the newly married folk since we’re at a completely different point in our lives. It’s very, very hard to be a Catholic who is married and unable to have children, especially when it comes to wanting a feeling of community.

As a person in a similar situation I have had to really lower my expectations of my parish community to avoid feeling bitter and rejected. It mostly works and I do pray for my parish and am grateful that there are families benefiting from it even if I don’t. I don’t think it’s intentional deliberate exclusion, it’s more a case of there just not being an obvious place for some people.

 

[faith4ever]

I agree with confused Lucy and PSR13. I thank them for their comments to my post.

As I wrote I cone from a protestant background as well. In the Episcopal culture, social things are done very well.

I think it would be helpful if parishes sponsored many more social events…dinners, discussion groups, dances etc.i grew up in a highly mormon area. They have something social every day at their churches…more than one. Families can, if they want to, go to an event every night. Also individuals. I always thought this was nice…and clever…its fun for members and enticing for new converts

 

[billsannie]

I was born and raised a Catholic, in a mostly Protestant area. At an early age I gave up inviting Protestant friends to Mass because they complained about the unfriendliness and bad preaching. In my experience there are a few Catholic churches who approach the Protestants in terms of warmth (there was one in my Archdiocese) but these are few and far between. For myself, I’m painfully shy and it’s very difficult for me to make friends. When I would go to coffee and donuts I would always take my mother so I would have someone to talk to, as otherwise I would be sitting alone and no one would talk to me. And I once knew a Baptist girl who felt over-committed in her own church, doing something every day of the week. So she started attending a Catholic church to get some rest. Sadly perhaps, it worked very well for her. She said no one talked to her at all.

I don’t know why this is, but I’ve wondered about it ever since I first noticed it as a child. As I said before, I’m shy with few friends, but I did listen to my Protestant acquaintances, who were very eager to share their faith. They went to church out of a real love for God and their church, where they felt their faith was fed and could grow. And searching for some Catholic fellowship, I attended every class, Bible study and prayer meeting I could find. Except for Charismatics, the rather few Catholics whom the leader could coax to talk about their religion usually attended Mass out of fear and obligation, or guilt. Many of the Charismatics I knew left the Church out of spiritual hunger and a longing for fellowship.

I don’t know what the answer is, or even what to say to Catholics looking for others who share their faith. Just keep trying and pray, pray, pray.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Billsannie, your post reminded me of the time when I had a friend stay over who came to mass with me as well as tea and coffee and was horrified by how no one spoke to us, I mean jaw dropping, wide eyed horrified. I felt so upset that I had let her see that aspect of Catholicism because I know I am supposed to be an evangelist for the faith.

I’m painfully aware of how my friends and family witness my experience and how it puts them off being Catholic. I think for many it seems like the worst of both worlds in that I have to follow very rigid and restrictive rules and I must practice alone with little to no support. I do talk in a positive way about my faith and prayer life but I wouldn’t feel right lying to them about the difficult parts.

 

[billsannie]

I know what you mean. When I was attending a Catholic church I often felt I had no spiritual nourishment except the Eucharist, and very little support, except from my Catholic mother.

Outside of family, most of my acquaintances were evangelical Protestants, to whom explaining the Eucharist tends to be like explaining red to a colorblind person. (Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit works in them.) This is why I shared my faith as a Christian, but rarely as a Catholic. How can you evangelize a Protestant when the only thing you have that wouldn’t be worse for them is something they can’t understand?

 

[faith4ever]

That’s why, for anyone who happens to be reading this, I hope that Catholics will become less passive. For example, in contacts with my archdiocese they are actually looking into setting up something formal to reach out to Catholics who stop sttending.

As far as coffee hour, suggest something to the pastoral council. And if you can, when you see others who are sitting alone, go sit with them or go around and converse…especially the elderly. It would be a very holy thing to do.

But we have to start taking responsibility for taking care of the Church…think of it as painting the walls…or in this case repairing the door and the front hallway! Lol. But seriously we must take responsibility even if it is only in a small corner. Pray for courage.

 

[Ontheway]

This is a problem in the church, but there is no evidence that the church is attempting to address it. Going to after-mass coffee works only when you go with your group. If you don’t have one, you are on the outside. Attending Bible study usually doesn’t go beyond that. I thought of volunteering for the church picnic as a way to “socialize” with people. Maybe this is the way to do it, at least once a year.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I don’t know why this is, but I’ve wondered about it ever since I first noticed it as a child.

I know you may not understand this, given your own experience, but I am perfectly comfortable going to church and having no one speak to me except for perhaps saying “Hello” to the usher or maybe saying Hi to the priest on his way out. I really don’t want a lot of contact with other people at my religious service. And in fact, I’ve become more sociable in my later years; when I was in my 20s and 30s I really did not want anyone even trying to talk to me in any way and if I could have attended a Mass in a private bubble so I wouldn’t have had to see or deal with other people at all, I would have done that.

For some of us, church is about communing with God and only with God, not about socializing. I do not have and have never had much in common with other churchgoers anyway, other than a shared faith which means we can pray together and sometimes exchange pleasantries like “Nice weather” and that’s as far as I want it to go. I do not have a great desire to make Catholic friends just because they are Catholic. I have met my share of friends through my normal work and hobby activities who turned out to be Catholic or at least “raised Catholic” and we get along fine, but I do not go to church seeking to meet people, and never did.

(As for the preaching, I’ve noticed preaching has improved in general in the Catholic church in about the last 15 years to the point where I rarely hear a bad homily anymore (they used to be a regular occurrence) and also, since marrying a Protestant, I have heard a few ministers who weren’t exactly up to par with their Protestant preaching either. )

 

[faith4ever]

Well the idea that Mass is about “communing with God” sounds very pre Vatican II. And a lot of people do feel that way, a minority of Catholics to be sure. And I’ve attended Latin masses, and they seem wonderful for that sort of thing. You usually can’t even hear the priest. Lol. So it really is everyone being “in they’re own bubble.” And the Church is bringing that back and allowing it so I won’t criticize it.

But having said that, wow…where to start. The Church is the Body of Christ. We don’t go to Mass to commune with God and look at the priest. That’s part of it, a big part, but just that means it’s incomplete. We come together as one body. I think the attitude of “I go to commune with God” is one of the main reason the Church is hemmoraging members in the US. It’s a scandal to the faith. How many people do you suppose have never come back after one visit to Mass? Because no one talked to them? We are all responsible to be the face of Christ to everyone we meet but most especially at Mass.

And just so you know, being “raised Catholic” is not at all the same as being Catholic. In my experience coming in through RCIA most cradle Catholics have very little knowledge of their faith. In fact, before I even started the classes the priest told me I already knew more about the Church than most Catholics.

I think that’s why people can actually write on this forum that they wish they could attend Mass in a bubble…no understanding of the faith.

I mean if you’re painfully shy, in other words have social anxiety, then that’s understandable. If it’s not something like that, then the Body of Christ at your parish is your spiritual family. And you take care of your own house first. Your family first, and then if there’s time left over for people at work etc. then they come second. That is the faith of the popes, the encyclicals, the saints and the cstechism.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

For me sitting in a room of strangers feels more lonely than sitting alone. It’s selfish but I would rather have the Eucharist brought to my house and sit quietly and listen to a livestream than sit in a church alone amongst strangers.

I remember my confirmation (didn’t get confirmed until I was older) where the confirmation instructor had to be my sponsor because I had no one in the parish despite attending for several years. It was humiliating and I would rather have been confirmed alone. It’s awkward when you have no relationship with other Catholics and then you suddenly have to produce one.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Well the idea that Mass is about “communing with God” sounds very pre Vatican II. And a lot of people do feel that way, a minority of Catholics to be sure. And I’ve attended Latin masses, and they seem wonderful for that sort of thing. You usually can’t even hear the priest. Lol. So it really is everyone being “in they’re own bubble.” And the Church is bringing that back and allowing it so I won’t criticize it.

But having said that, wow…where to start. The Church is the Body of Christ. We don’t go to Mass to commune with God and look at the priest. That’s part of it, a big part, but just that means it’s incomplete.

You said “I won’t criticize it”, then you went on to criticize it.

And just so you know, being “raised Catholic” is not at all the same as being Catholic. In my experience coming in through RCIA most cradle Catholics have very little knowledge of their faith. In fact, before I even started the classes the priest told me I already knew more about the Church than most Catholics.

I was well schooled in the faith by my mother. I attended 12 years of Catholic school also, but most of my teaching was from my mother.
If you want to dismiss my preference as being “unschooled”, that’s your choice. I don’t think I am particularly ignorant about my faith or I would not be able to participate on this board as I do, nor would I be spending large amounts of time praying, going to services and other activities.

It’s a bit rude of you to assume that someone is “ignorant” because they have a preference for a more private worship. In the past I suffered from severe anxiety which contributed to my desire to be left alone. This eventually was a factor in my not coming to church at all for some years, because it was hard to be around other people. I am not saying every Catholic is closed off because of anxiety, but I do know a sizable number of people who are somewhere between shy and socially anxious and they come to church too and are expecting to pray there, not have the social hour. I don’t understand why you have to be so uncharitable just because I do not share your preference. I’ll pray that you develop a better understanding and empathy for others. Good bye.

 

[faith4ever]

I did write that if it’s social anxiety then it is understandable. You missed that part.

I stand by everything I wrote. After reading the comments from the list souls longing for community and then reading the replies, I’m removing myself from Catholic answers.

Most said nothing can be done but pray. Except yours, where you wrote about what you want. I could easily say that I will pray for you to actually empathize with the point if the posts and the longing of those who want community…instead of posting about how you don’t want it. Of course we all know some Catholics don’t want it! That’s one of the main reasons it’s the way it is.

I’m sorry about your social anxiety. I have that myself. Well goodbye everyone and love to those looking for community in Mother Church. Never give up hope.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I did write that if it’s social anxiety then it is understandable. You missed that part.

I stand by everything I wrote. After reading the comments from the list souls longing for community and then reading the replies, I’m removing myself from Catholic answers.

Most said nothing can be done but pray. Except yours, where you wrote about what you want. I could easily say that I will pray for you to actually empathize with the point if the posts and the longing of those who want community…instead of posting about how you don’t want it. Of course we all know some Catholics don’t want it! That’s one of the main reasons it’s the way it is.

I’m sorry about your social anxiety. I have that myself. Well goodbye everyone and love to those looking for community in Mother Church. Never give up hope.

Wishing you peace.

 

[billsannie]

Sadly, more and more I think the future of the Mass will be similar to its past - a priest mumbling the Latin Mass with a group of people each in their own bubble, saying their own prayers privately, with very few of them who know anything at all about the faith, or who care to know.

 

[KS_Housewife]

Well, I have to say that one of the loneliest places to be on a Sunday in America can be a Catholic Church. I especially felt that way as a single career woman in my early 20s, and again in my late 30s. If you don’t have kids in the parish school you are on your own. In between I was Protestant, and often they did a better job of reaching out to the person in the pew with social activities and bible study. That being said, some of these churches were real clunkers. Many Protestant churches, especially the non-evangelical (waning) ones, say they are interested in new members, but in truth they are happy with their little set and have little interest in incorporating new members, so the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

When I returned to the Catholic Church with a family, I involved myself in a few ministries. Because our public schools are so very good, about half of the parish’s children attend public school, so my kids have actual church acquaintances as school mates. However, I still see the same thing many of you point out, esp with coffee hour. If your family hasn’t been at this parish a while and your kids not at the parish school, it’s not gonna happen. People sit with their family and longstanding friends, period. No one really talks to us, and it’s always me who initiates.

I found the answer. I got sick of this. So, I ditched coffee hour in a lonely mood one day, went back into the church and stumbled upon an in-between-Masses informal rosary group, praying. Might as well do the actual Work of the Church, I said to myself, and I joined in. I felt instantly welcomed. A quick chat afterward revealed at least a few who were coffee hour refugees like me!

I think we “soloists” could all do better joining a prayer group at our church, because you are instantly joined in fellowship doing some of the Church’s most basic and valuable work. And saving yourself some calories.

 

[anon90438963]

As a long-time single, now approaching 60 years old, the loneliest I’ve ever felt is at Sunday Mass. Especially when at the sign of peace, everyone turns to hug and kiss their family members and completely ignore the solitary person next to them or behind them. For as long as I remember the parish activities have been: for youth; for young adults; for families; for widowed/divorced/separated persons. I am none of these. No activities, ever, for mature, healthy, active singles.

I gave up finding community at Mass a long time ago after multiple tries to fit in. Still, I go to Mass because I am a believer. I’ve learned to offer the bitter suffering of loneliness to God as what He has pleased to give me for my good and that of others.