Non Catholic Spouse and Birth Control

[Alix1912]

I am a Lutheran MS. My husband is Catholic. He was very lapsed when we married and we got married in my church. 8 months later he rediscovered his Catholic faith, and became the super catholic.

I was open to trying NFP at the beginning of our marriage, and it worked well in the beginning to both avoid and target the right days. Now we have two kids (5 and 3). The last one was a NFP slip up, which I admit was because I was not tracking as closely as I should have been. I love both of my children and they are both amazing gifts from God.

Both of my pregnancies were extremely hard on me, nausea and vomiting for nine months, the first three being so bad I lost significant weight both times, back pain so bad I was seeing a chiropractor weekly to even be able to walk, and swollen legs that require medical compression hose to control. Basically, it was awful. Each birth was then followed by 4-8 months of moderate PPD, and pretty sever Post Partum Anxiety complete with some pretty horrible anxiety attacks. The second time while it was not as long, was worse because of the toll it took on my first child.

Needless to say I am done…I do not want to go through another pregnancy or the time it takes afterwards to get my head straightened out, nor will I put my kids through it. While I have no issues with barrier forms of birth control (I am not OKAY with the Pill or IUD’s as they have a high potential of harming a already conceived human being), and neither does my church, obviously my husband does. This leaves us at a pretty big impass, because I am not willing to even chance getting pregnant again, so we basically have no sexlife at all right now.

I’m getting pretty frustrated because I feel like his decision to return to his faith is now ruling my life…I bear the burden of tracking and monitoring my body if I wanted to risk NFP again, and I bear the medical and mental risks if it fails. Needless to say I’m less than pleased with this, and feel it’s pretty unfair.

I am at the point where I really want to have my tubes tied and be done with the worry. However, my husband acts like this would put him into some state of moral sin. Is this true? Because honestly that seems extreme that someone else’s actions could put another person in a state of sin.

 

[underacloud]

I am at the point where I really want to have my tubes tied and be done with the worry. However, my husband acts like this would put him into some state of moral sin. Is this true? Because honestly that seems extreme that someone else’s actions could put another person in a state of sin.

No, your husband would bear no sin whatsoever from your choice to sin (against his wishes). The Church would not hold him at all accountable, and he would be free to continue to have marital relations with you.

The sin would be entirely yours. While you are not Catholic, and may not consider this sinful, we Catholics consider it intrinsically sinful - that is, sinful for anyone to do, not just Catholics. Thus, we cannot encourage you down this path.

 

[nodito]

Hi Alix,

Wow, it seems like you’ve have really difficult pregnancies! I’m so sorry! What a struggle that must have been for you, and for your family.

I’m Catholic and I don’t believe sterilization or contraception are ever morally licit. I understand that you feel that NFP places an unfair burden on you. I wonder if you’ve considered a third option, which would be to get your husband more involved in NFP. Would it feel like the work was more equally distributed, if, for example, he were the one to wake up at the alarm, pop the thermometer in your mouth, record the temps, and interpret the charts? Would you consider learning Marquette and relying more on the clear blue monitor?

Is your husband understanding when you explain how terrified you are of being pregnant, or is he just hung up on the sin aspect of contraception? I hope he is being loving and caring toward you and that you two can come to some mutually- and morally-acceptable and decision regarding your fertility.

God bless.

 

[Alix1912]

Hi Alix,

Wow, it seems like you’ve have really difficult pregnancies! I’m so sorry! What a struggle that must have been for you, and for your family.

I’m Catholic and I don’t believe sterilization or contraception are ever morally licit. I understand that you feel that NFP places an unfair burden on you. I wonder if you’ve considered a third option, which would be to get your husband more involved in NFP. Would it feel like the work was more equally distributed, if, for example, he were the one to wake up at the alarm, pop the thermometer in your mouth, record the temps, and interpret the charts? Would you consider learning Marquette and relying more on the clear blue monitor?

Is your husband understanding when you explain how terrified you are of being pregnant, or is he just hung up on the sin aspect of contraception? I hope he is being loving and caring toward you and that you two can come to some mutually- and morally-acceptable and decision regarding your fertility.

God bless.

Him being more involved in NFP is probably not going to solve the problem.

1. It’s hard to want to be intimate with your husband with the overriding fear of getting pregnant is haunting you. While I dread the nine months of physical discomfort and exhaustion that pregnancy brings…the mental stress of the aftermath is absolutely terrifying. Going back to the dark place that the anxiety takes me is simply NOT an option. I will not do it again, and I love my two kids to much to subject them to it. It was literally debilitating the last two times. That hanging over my head is pretty much of a mood killer for me to say the least.
2. He sleeps through his alarm EVERY morning, he can sleep through the kids jumping on him…I am always up first so expecting him to do that is unrealistic.

 

[nodito]

What does he suggest when you tell him how terrified you are of becoming pregnant? Is he okay with the abstinence?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am a Lutheran MS. My husband is Catholic. He was very lapsed when we married and we got married in my church. 8 months later he rediscovered his Catholic faith, and became the super catholic.

I was open to trying NFP at the beginning of our marriage, and it worked well in the beginning to both avoid and target the right days. Now we have two kids (5 and 3). The last one was a NFP slip up, which I admit was because I was not tracking as closely as I should have been. I love both of my children and they are both amazing gifts from God.

Both of my pregnancies were extremely hard on me, nausea and vomiting for nine months, the first three being so bad I lost significant weight both times, back pain so bad I was seeing a chiropractor weekly to even be able to walk, and swollen legs that require medical compression hose to control. Basically, it was awful. Each birth was then followed by 4-8 months of moderate PPD, and pretty sever Post Partum Anxiety complete with some pretty horrible anxiety attacks. The second time while it was not as long, was worse because of the toll it took on my first child.

Needless to say I am done…I do not want to go through another pregnancy or the time it takes afterwards to get my head straightened out, nor will I put my kids through it. While I have no issues with barrier forms of birth control (I am not OKAY with the Pill or IUD’s as they have a high potential of harming a already conceived human being), and neither does my church, obviously my husband does. This leaves us at a pretty big impass, because I am not willing to even chance getting pregnant again, so we basically have no sexlife at all right now.

I’m getting pretty frustrated because I feel like his decision to return to his faith is now ruling my life…I bear the burden of tracking and monitoring my body if I wanted to risk NFP again, and I bear the medical and mental risks if it fails. Needless to say I’m less than pleased with this, and feel it’s pretty unfair.

I am at the point where I really want to have my tubes tied and be done with the worry. However, my husband acts like this would put him into some state of moral sin. Is this true? Because honestly that seems extreme that someone else’s actions could put another person in a state of sin.

Ok, there is a few issues going on here.

1. This is a Catholic board so the perspective on it will be indeed Catholic. So in reality no one can really encourage you to mutilate your body for ABC or use any method really. Simply the fact that you are not Catholic does not negate the gravity of the evil of ABC.
2. Having said that. Your options are not good.
   a) You can undergo surgery to mutilate your body to sterilize yourself. This is not advisable morally but it could be done. The consequences could be more than you realize because not only are there spiritual consequences but there will be marital ones as well. You husband has already voiced his displeasure on this matter. And in this day and age of confusion about what marriage is, it is nothing if not the union and joining as one of a man and a woman. What you mutilate and sterilize to yourself you do also to the union. It is worth noting that this and every method has a fail rate, but this also carries with it the risk of a surgery.
   b) You could use chemical ABC that could indeed fail or abort a baby.
   c) he could use condoms which would put his soul in jeopardy. While this seems the easiest it is also one of the worst ideas.
   d) You could use some other form of ABC but the same issues still exist.
   e) You could abstain. This is inadvisable if you want to maintain a marriage.
   f) If not out of faith, out of respect and honor to your husband you could commit to NFP and use it most conservatively.
3. I also want to address the issue of what a spouse is and what a marriage is. The number one job of a spouse is to get the other spouse to heaven. This is why it would indeed be incredibly horrible to make him use ABC. And because of the marital bond I think the case could be made for inclusion in culpability.
4. If my wife sterilized herself against the wishes of the union, I would feel extremely betrayed. I would fear for her soul, but also be hurt and damaged myself immensely.
   If my wife was on a chemical ABC that could carry with it abortifacient qualities that would almost make it emotional and mentally impossible for me to complete the act. My sex life with my wife would be forever damaged and I would feel as if she not only rejected natural law, but also every time she had sex with me, she would be lying to me with her body. It would be a poison in my marriage, perhaps a lethal one. It is in this way (The way of agreeing to the marital union using abrotifacient drugs that perhaps you can see the possible ability for the sin of one in a union to be the sin of both. If my act could potentially contribute to a life ending act then there would be some culpability of that on me. This is a debated theological view.
   I wonder if you really looked into what a marriage is and what two becoming one is really about. This is not a Catholic Vs Lutheran thing, it is a Christian thing. It is a faith thing and a thing ordained by God Himself.

All that being said, as a couple who has practiced ABC, then NFP, then neither, my wife and I have not evolved at the exact same rate and it created issues in our marriage. Do not fool yourself thinking that once the recovery from the procedure is over, your healing is done. There could perhaps be more deep wounds than even another pregnancy would bring.

 

[DakiniArtist]

Alix,

I don’t have anything to add. Sorry you’re going through this. Hope you continue to get support from the good folks here. Thank you for trusting us and opening up with this deeply personal issue.

:hug1:

Catie

 

[SAVINGRACE]

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult period Alix. :grouphug:

My sister had a terrible time during her pregnancies, everything you described minus the PPD, plus 3 weeks bedridden for placenta previa. It was 3years before she fully recovered. I had a relatively easy pregnancy, breezed through, unfair I know.

Have you spoken to your husband about ALL your anxieties brought about by this issue? If not, please do, share your fears with him. This may bring forward some options from him, at the very least it opens honest dialogue. He may surprise you. Keeping it in may breed resentment

I know life is overwhelming at the moment, you have two children under 5 and may not be fully recovered from the last pregnancy. Take comfort from the knowledge that it will get better.

I wish there was more I could say other than your family will be in my prayers.

I will leave you with a prayer of St Jude, Patron Saint for the Hopeless. Speaking from personal experience, this prayer and fasting worked for me during a time of desperation.

Oh glorious apostle St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered thy beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused thee to be forgotten by many, but the Church honors and invokes thee universally as the patron of hopeless cases–of things despaired of. Pray for me who am so miserable; make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded thee of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, particularly (mention your request), and that I may bless God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise thee, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor thee as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to thee. Amen

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Good luck with your situation. I have said prayers for both of you.

 

[UbiCaritas]

First of all, as other posters have said, if you have your tubes tied, no, your husband will not be sinning by having sex with you, though we do believe as Catholics that sterilizing oneself is inherently wrong.

Your pregnancies and postpartum times sound truly awful. I am so sorry. I had PPD with my DD too, and the only reason I’m willing to consider getting pregnant again is that my OB and I will have a treatment plan ready to go as soon as I deliver, including getting me on antidepressants ASAP. It was horrible; I’d never wish that on another person.

I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have your husband’s beliefs in this matter change. While of course I agree with him about ABC and sterilization, you still have my full sympathies, because it really wasn’t what you signed up for, so to speak. Good on you for you dedication to your marriage!

I do understand how scary NFP must be for you. Would you be willing to consider an easier, less subjective method, and stick solely to phase III-only sex? I know I mention it a lot on here, but the Marquette method of NFP has really been a godsend for us. I don’t think I’ll ever like NFP per se–I mean, what is there to like about not having sex with your spouse for stretches of time?! --but it is much, much easier for me than temping and mucus observations. Starting on CD 6, I pee in a cup first thing in the morning, dip a test strip in it, insert the strip in a monitor, and then check the monitor later to see what the reading was. I do this for about 10 days, until I catch my ovulation day. That’s it. Done. I’ll occasionally use a strip in the evenings as well close to ovulation to make sure I don’t miss the hormone surge, but that’s for all of 2-3 days/month; hardly a burden. And Marquette is really effective–like 97-98% effective. The MM allows for Phase I sex, too, and is still 97-98% effective even with that, so if you stuck only to Phase III, you’d have darn near 100% effectiveness.

Frankly, with this method, all you’d need to do is pee in the cup and leave it on the back of the toilet or what have you for your husband. He could get up and do the testing and then enter the charting info (which would consist of clicking one of three options, not really burdensome) onto their website each day. This way your responsibilities could be split much more fairly, especially given that this is much more important to him than it is to you.

If you’re interested in the Marquette method, their website is here.

Best of luck to you, and God bless!

 

[Kelfa28]

I was going to mention marquette as well.

OP, while my PP time isn’t that bad…my pregnancies are quite bad.

As they progress the pain becomes unbearable in my hips and legs…it’s hard to walk. Plus, I get gestational diabetes with each pregnancy…and this one added some more complications on top of everything else.

Needless to say, I’m done being pregnant. My body just can’t do this anymore and I’m very comfortable saying I’m completely done having any more babies.

But I can’t get my tubes tied and hubby can’t get a vasectomy.

I don’t trust temping and mucus checking and nursing doesn’t do anything for me either…it just makes everything more confusing.

My plan is to do total abstinence for about 6-8 months after we have our baby, use formula and not breastfeed so I can get my cycles back to a regular cycle sooner and use the Marquette method.
I’m also going to do away with phase one intimacy. It’s WAY too risky and that was how we got pregnant a third time in 3 years.

Hubby is just going to have to put up with it.

It’s going to be really hard, I know that. But it’s all we can do right now.

 

[Alix1912]

First of all, as other posters have said, if you have your tubes tied, no, your husband will not be sinning by having sex with you, though we do believe as Catholics that sterilizing oneself is inherently wrong.

Your pregnancies and postpartum times sound truly awful. I am so sorry. I had PPD with my DD too, and the only reason I’m willing to consider getting pregnant again is that my OB and I will have a treatment plan ready to go as soon as I deliver, including getting me on antidepressants ASAP. It was horrible; I’d never wish that on another person.

I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have your husband’s beliefs in this matter change. While of course I agree with him about ABC and sterilization, you still have my full sympathies, because it really wasn’t what you signed up for, so to speak. Good on you for you dedication to your marriage!

I do understand how scary NFP must be for you. Would you be willing to consider an easier, less subjective method, and stick solely to phase III-only sex? I know I mention it a lot on here, but the Marquette method of NFP has really been a godsend for us. I don’t think I’ll ever like NFP per se–I mean, what is there to like about not having sex with your spouse for stretches of time?! --but it is much, much easier for me than temping and mucus observations. Starting on CD 6, I pee in a cup first thing in the morning, dip a test strip in it, insert the strip in a monitor, and then check the monitor later to see what the reading was. I do this for about 10 days, until I catch my ovulation day. That’s it. Done. I’ll occasionally use a strip in the evenings as well close to ovulation to make sure I don’t miss the hormone surge, but that’s for all of 2-3 days/month; hardly a burden. And Marquette is really effective–like 97-98% effective. The MM allows for Phase I sex, too, and is still 97-98% effective even with that, so if you stuck only to Phase III, you’d have darn near 100% effectiveness.

Frankly, with this method, all you’d need to do is pee in the cup and leave it on the back of the toilet or what have you for your husband. He could get up and do the testing and then enter the charting info (which would consist of clicking one of three options, not really burdensome) onto their website each day. This way your responsibilities could be split much more fairly, especially given that this is much more important to him than it is to you.

If you’re interested in the Marquette method, their website is here.

Best of luck to you, and God bless!

I have bent over backwards to accommodate my husbands decision to return to being Catholic. I have rearranged holiday schedules with family to make sure he gets to mass, skipped going to my own church on holidays to accommodate this, I have sat and listened to a priest tell me my marriage was not valid despite being performed by not one but TWO amazing men of God in a house of God, I have gone through the silliness of paperwork and forms for Radical Sanation, I have attended his 4th Degree KOC ceremonies, I have allowed my children to learn the Rosary, hung crucifixes around my house (because a simple cross, or plaque with bible verses is not enough apparently), I’ve read enough “my journey from evil Protestantism to Catholicism” books for an ARMY.

Frankly, I’m sick of being accommodating, and I am NOT peeing in a cup each morning. ICK. I hate doing that once a year at the doctors. I am not going to stick to only having sex during “that time” of the month…that is grosser than peeing in a cup. I’ve done enough.

I find it pretty ****** that I did not change my faith on him…I am and always have been Lutheran MS. Yet I am the one who has to change the most to accommodate his change of faith. The no compromise, no quarter stance is getting old. It is also the #1 reason I will not allow the kids to be raised Catholic.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have bent over backwards to accommodate my husbands decision to return to being Catholic. I have rearranged holiday schedules with family to make sure he gets to mass, skipped going to my own church on holidays to accommodate this, I have sat and listened to a priest tell me my marriage was not valid despite being performed by not one but TWO amazing men of God in a house of God, I have gone through the silliness of paperwork and forms for Radical Sanation, I have attended his 4th Degree KOC ceremonies, I have allowed my children to learn the Rosary, hung crucifixes around my house (because a simple cross, or plaque with bible verses is not enough apparently), I’ve read enough “my journey from evil Protestantism to Catholicism” books for an ARMY.

Frankly, I’m sick of being accommodating, and I am NOT peeing in a cup each morning. ICK. I hate doing that once a year at the doctors. I am not going to stick to only having sex during “that time” of the month…that is grosser than peeing in a cup. I’ve done enough.

I find it pretty ****** that I did not change my faith on him…I am and always have been Lutheran MS. Yet I am the one who has to change the most to accommodate his change of faith. The no compromise, no quarter stance is getting old. It is also the #1 reason I will not allow the kids to be raised Catholic.

This sounds less like a birth control issue and more like a marital and faith issue. Perhaps your frustration with your husband is manifesting itself in this act of defiance you are considering. Do you think it might be a way to stick it to him and the Church?

 

[whm]

Both of my pregnancies were extremely hard on me, nausea and vomiting for nine months, the first three being so bad I lost significant weight both times, back pain so bad I was seeing a chiropractor weekly to even be able to walk, and swollen legs that require medical compression hose to control. Basically, it was awful. Each birth was then followed by 4-8 months of moderate PPD, and pretty sever Post Partum Anxiety complete with some pretty horrible anxiety attacks. The second time while it was not as long, was worse because of the toll it took on my first child.

Needless to say I am done…I do not want to go through another pregnancy or the time it takes afterwards to get my head straightened out, nor will I put my kids through it. While I have no issues with barrier forms of birth control (I am not OKAY with the Pill or IUD’s as they have a high potential of harming a already conceived human being), and neither does my church, obviously my husband does. This leaves us at a pretty big impass, because I am not willing to even chance getting pregnant again, so we basically have no sexlife at all right now.

I’m getting pretty frustrated because I feel like his decision to return to his faith is now ruling my life…I bear the burden of tracking and monitoring my body if I wanted to risk NFP again, and I bear the medical and mental risks if it fails. Needless to say I’m less than pleased with this, and feel it’s pretty unfair.

My wife had PPD from her two pregnancies, severe following the second one. She hid the reason for her problem for years, I knew something was wrong and tried to encourage her to seek help, but she pulled away when ever I tried to help. She had decided that we would no longer have relations, but did not want to or could not communicate this to me. This of course is part of her condition. A few years ago (its been at least 12 years since we had relations at around age 30) she opened up about this and another somewhat related issue. We now refer to each other at mom and dad and have more of a sibling or co-worker type relationship. Which isn’t all that bad, I am glad we are still married etc, but could have been better if we communicated better and got professional help up front.

So I know somewhat what you guys are going through. My advice is to A) communicate often about these issues so that you are on the same page at all times and B) take the effort to remain intimate. A sexless marriage with poor communication comes with very serious problems too. If moral sexual relations are not possible, it is still possible to remain intimate in non-sexual ways. After 10+ years it is hard to restart the relationship. It is not the lack of sex that is the problem, it is the lack of any kind of intimacy.

 

[camerong]

I understand this is a very difficult situation for the two of you. I will pray for you. I have a couple of thoughts:

First, if you decide to continue NFP, consider investing in an NFP monitoring device. NFP can be practiced with efficacy which greatly exceeds the barrier method you mention with fairly minimal effort, IF you abstain on additional days surrounding ovulation. A device which takes your temperature every morning or the like may be able to help greatly with that. (On that note, barrier methods have an abysmal failure rate, so if your extremely averse to conceiving again, surely that is not a good choice.)

Second, take a moment to evaluate your marriage. I understand your frustration at your husband’s recent reversion–it seems a bit like a bait and switch, as this wasn’t the man you married. What’s more, his moral convictions seem to rest primarily on you and not on him. However, in a Christian marriage, we are called to die to ourselves for one another’s sake. Strictly practicing NFP is quite a sacrifice he is asking of you, but is any sacrifice too high? My guess is that he is firmly committed to this belief, and is not changing it. Consider trying to embrace this. While you may not share the convictions behind NFP, clearly it has its benefits and is certainly not a bad thing. Lots of spouses embrace one another’s hobbies and proclivities for each other’s sake, not their own. Perhaps you can do the same.

Third, you hinted that your husband is not making this easier on you by sleeping through the alarm and such. Tell him that a random man on the internet tells him to snap out of it. (Hah.) If he is expecting you to take this burden, he needs to accept an equally heavy burden or worse. Would him handling the kids in the morning for 20 minutes give you a chance to collect yourself (and your temperature)? If so, ask him to do so, and say you will be more willing to take on NFP if he does. It is said that marriage is two one-way streets. You need to travel yours, but he needs to travel his, as well.

Again, I will pray for you.

ETA: I see in your above post that you have frustrations beyond simply practicing NFP. Again, that is entirely understandable. No one here can fault you for feeling this way. But this sacrifice that you are taking–not for Catholicism, but for your marriage and for him–is what Christ asks of us. Take comfort in uniting your suffering with His.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I have bent over backwards to accommodate my husbands decision to return to being Catholic. I have rearranged holiday schedules with family to make sure he gets to mass, skipped going to my own church on holidays to accommodate this, I have sat and listened to a priest tell me my marriage was not valid despite being performed by not one but TWO amazing men of God in a house of God, I have gone through the silliness of paperwork and forms for Radical Sanation, I have attended his 4th Degree KOC ceremonies, I have allowed my children to learn the Rosary, hung crucifixes around my house (because a simple cross, or plaque with bible verses is not enough apparently), I’ve read enough “my journey from evil Protestantism to Catholicism” books for an ARMY.

Frankly, I’m sick of being accommodating, and I am NOT peeing in a cup each morning. ICK. I hate doing that once a year at the doctors. I am not going to stick to only having sex during “that time” of the month…that is grosser than peeing in a cup. I’ve done enough.

I find it pretty ****** that I did not change my faith on him…I am and always have been Lutheran MS. Yet I am the one who has to change the most to accommodate his change of faith. The no compromise, no quarter stance is getting old. It is also the #1 reason I will not allow the kids to be raised Catholic.

You sound really angry and bitter, and frankly, I can’t blame you in the least. It sounds as though all the compromise is on your part, and not his, and a lot of it is on stuff that he can compromise on without danger to his soul. (ABC isn’t, but I’ll get to that in a minute.) I’d be furious and hurt, too.

A point re semantics: Phase III isn’t when you’re on your period, it’s the time between when you ovulate and when your period starts. Basically, once the egg is gone and a few days have passed to ensure that you don’t have a double ovulation, you’re safe. Some people don’t mind period sex, but I know a lot of people really do–me among them, for the record.

It sounds to me like it’s time for you and your husband to sit down with either a priest or a minister who has a solid background in marital counseling (especially mixed-marriage marital counseling) or a counselor with ditto. The stuff about you not being allowed to decorate your own home with bible verses and crosses is just silly; it’s not reasonable, it isn’t even remotely damaging to his faith to see a cross or a bible verse, and there’s nothing wrong with it. A reasonable compromise here would be you have your crosses and bible verses up, and you also have a couple of crucifixes in the house. What you describe isn’t reasonable. It sounds almost as though he’s more concerned with how Catholic he and his family look than how Catholic they really are.

You also should not have to avoid worshipping God in your own church. He should make reasonable accommodations for you to get to a Lutheran service (pardon me if Lutherans don’t call it a “service”–I’m not sure what the proper terminology is, and no offense is meant) on both holidays and Sundays. With the kids at 5 and 3, there is absolutely no reason why either he shouldn’t be able to take the kids while you go to church, or let you put them in whatever the equivalent may be of Sunday School/children’s liturgy at your church. If you’re visiting family, then just as he probably looks up local Mass times so he can attend on Sundays when he’s traveling, you should look up the local MS church’s service schedule and the two of you make plans for you to get to one. That’s how a marriage works.

Leaving aside anything else, you might point out to him that this tendency to insist on non-essentials is both pushing you ever-further from the church and making you less likely to accommodate him on the (few) issues you (plural) need to compromise on.

Re peeing in a cup: I am not a person who deals especially well with bodily fluids, but having been peed on by my daughter on a number of occasions, I got rather numb to that. Does it help you to know that pee is sterile? However, I use a disposable Dixie cup, toss it as soon as I’m done, and don’t get pee on my hands when I do so.

I really am trying to help you here; Marquette is a method that would let him take literally all the responsibility for NFP except for producing pee. I think that he MORE than owes that to you; it simply isn’t fair that he expects you to not only bend over backwards in order to accommodate this unexpected and total change in view, but to do all the work of it, too. If he’s not willing to do that, then I strongly suggest you talk to his priest together, because any priest worth his salt will tell him that he’s being grossly unfair in not only expecting you to do NFP despite you having no moral qualms re sterilization, but expect you to do all the work of it, too. That is utterly unreasonable.

 

[whm]

My wife suffered from PPD, so I have some understanding of what you are going through including all the emotions and frustration. I would however like to point out that a selfish man does not normally request NFP.

 

[ajecphotos]

OP, what do ‘YOU’ want to do in this situation because you are very unhappy and your marriage is drifting down the river!!!

What would make you happy?

 

[misspriss]

I would echo what some PP have said, get a NFP device that will take a lot of the work out of it for you. I used the Marquette Method during my post partum time with my first child, it was great. You really can just pee in a cup and your husband do the rest, no big deal. I understand you are iffy about the pee in the cup, which I don’t quite get but I’m pregnant now so I pee in a cup every week at the doctors, and I just finished a 24 hour urine catch, which consisted of me not only collecting urine at home, but carrying around a clean container if we left the house in order to collect and carry home any urine I had while I was out…yeah urine doesn’t phase me in the slightest.

There are also temperature based devices, I believe there is a ladycomp which uses your temperature and gives you green, yellow, or red lights. It is expensive, but lasts a long time and I’ve read many great reviews of it. No pee either.

Also I have seen an (awesome) temperature device on a german website, but I’m not sure if it’s available here. It’s what I want to get when I have this child. You place the pod inside yourself at night, and it measures your BBT and transmits it to the computer to chart. I like it so much, I decided to learn enough German to use it if the software isn’t in English…

It does sound like there may be more going on here. I kind of feel like our situations are a bit similar, but reversed. When I married DH, we were both non-practicing protestants. I then joined the Catholic church. This did make some changes to our intimate life which DH has not been thrilled with, but overall he has been really accepting.

 

[ajecphotos]

What about when someone is in ‘that moment’ of lust for each other, do they have to wait for someone to pee in a cup first? What a load of cobblers!