Not liking the pastor at my church

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TomH1 said:
what you describe in not at all British. If someone tried to hug me I would pull away and consider it a serious invasion of my personal space
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Likewise in Canada. I’ve never even heard of such a thing.
 
Let me guess, pastor hugs mom and dad, goes to hug our OP who quietly shakes the head or quietly says “nah”. Parents say “oh, @amazingcatholic is just being a grump today, get over here and give pastor Joe a hug!!” whereby to keep peace in the family the hug is done.

@amazingcatholic tries to bring it up in the car and is talked down to.

Is that about right?
 
Brendan_64 said:
But has she explicitly told him this in a way that he is clear about what she means and how much this bothers her? Sometimes people do not pick up on signals others give and some people need to be told clearly in absolute term
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Then that’s on the person not listening, not the person talking.
 
When I avoid him at church, my mother says nothing, a few days later, she tells me how disrespectful I am being.
 
Perhaps you could ask your mother to pass on the message that you don’t want to be hugged. She could do it diplomatically, along the lines of “I’m sorry, but my daughter’s funny that way.” In exchange, you might consider promising your mother that you will treat the pastor respectfully and nicely in every other way, just as long as he stops trying to hug you.
 
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The OP states he/she has tried to give him the message to no avail. He/She holds out his/her hand rather than open arms which to anyone with normal social cue awareness would understand as being a “don’t hug me” motion.

This person (a minor) is feeling uncomfortable with unwanted physical touching by an adult. We should all be telling him/her to keep bringing it up until someone finally listens to him/her.
 
Fair point. As she is a minor, it is her parents who she should go to about this.

Advice to contact his superior, which has been said on here, or even suggesting an allegation of harassment, is over the top, in my opinion. From what I understand the OP hasn’t actually told the pastor how she feels about it, which of course can be difficult if you are a minor and he is an adult.

It should be up to her parents to deal with this and advise her, not a bunch of strangers on CAF who probably don’t know the full picture.
 
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Don’t avoid him, but do ask for personal space. Explain to him what you feel that way, and ask him not to take offense.
 
He does know it made me mad when he pulled me into a hug when I tried to go for a handshake.
 
My parents won’t do a darn thing about this problem, I guess it has to be up to me to put an end to this.
 
Brendan_64 said:
It should be up to her parents to deal with this and advise her, not a bunch of strangers on CAF who probably don’t know the full picture
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It should be, but she has stated that her parents are not supporting her in this.
 
Tell your parents. And tell the pastor very clearly to stop and that you don’t like it if he does this again.
 
amazingcatholic said:
Hello,
As many of you know, I am not Catholic, but will become one in a few years. I am forced to attend an Anglican church where I cannot stand the pastor. I am very uncomfortable around him, for reasons I do not wish to say, he is a very warm and fuzzy kind of guy. Anyway, after the service is over, he always hugs everyone, and sometimes I don’t want want to hug him, for reasons I mentioned above. He does not respect that not everyone is a hugger, even though I tried to give him the message, and that bothers me. I am ok with a handshake, but he always wants to hug me, when I do hold out my hand, he will pull me in for a hug. Sometimes, to be nice, I will let him hug me, other days, I try to avoid him. Is avoiding him the wrong thing to do?
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Is no one reading this Ops posts?

Firstly- someone offering you a hand to shake is telling you very plainly that a handshake is what they are comfortable with. You should.not go beyond their comfort level without their express consent. No more.should need to be said by the person offering the hand.

Secondly - OP has repeatedly said they have told their parents who do no listen.

OP - like I said, are you able to talk to another adult, either in your church community or your family (obviously not.ypur parents)? Older brother or sister or older young person?
 
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Have you got a counsellor at school you can talk to about this?
 
amazingcatholic said:
I did, but my parents do not listen to me.
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You might try: “And when a guy tries to hug me or kiss me and I don’t want him to do it, do you want me to have forgotten how to say ‘no’ to that, too?”
amazingcatholic said:
I might let him hug me. Lately, I have been thinking about it a lot more and it started to really bother me. A few weeks ago, I held out my hand to him and he pulled me in for a hug.
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Actually, I wouldn’t let him hug you. If it bothers you, that is your emotional sense telling you something. Trust that. (I’ve had experience with this. The ones who mean no harm need to be taught to do no harm. Teaching young people to submit to touching they don’t want is actually harmful.)
Allegra said:
Your mom is wrong not to support you setting completely reasonable boundaries about your own body. Maybe lay it on the line. Say, “Ma, I will speak to the pastor, not roll my eyes, be respectful, but I don’t want to be hugged. I think that’s reasonable.” If that doesn’t fly, then this sounds a little toxic and you might be delving into the realm of talking to another trusted adult.
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This.
Brendan_64 said:
You could be right there, hence reporting him to his superior and suggesting sexual harassment seems somewhat harsh on the guy.
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I agree with 1ke. It might be harsh the first time, when he was honestly mistaken about where the OP’s boundaries were. (A Catholic priest of 2019 would have no excuse for trying this in the first place.) There is now no doubt whether he knows where she is drawing her boundaries, and yet (possibly because the parents are taking his side) he keeps it up.
 
Brendan_64 said:
Running to someone’s superior and implyng sexual harrasment can very seriously harm someone’s life. And if the pastor was not meaning anything sexual by his actions, but was just being over-enthusiastic in his manner of showing love towards his congregation and not picking up on hints, then would that not that be extremely harsh on him?
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If he were a Catholic priest whom we all know has been taught about the danger that teaching children to submit to unwanted touching can do, his bishop would thank you very much for the heads-up. As for other clergy, they don’t have an excuse for not wising up faster than this man has.
amazingcatholic said:
When I avoid him at church, my mother says nothing, a few days later, she tells me how disrespectful I am being.
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Again, ask her how many parents refused to listen to children who did not want to be touched only to find out later that Fr. Ed or Uncle Joe or Grandpa Bob was a child molester.
If you are in the US, by the way, your parents could undoubtedly arrange to go to safe environment training given for free in to Catholic parents across the country. It is an eye-opener.
amazingcatholic said:
My parents won’t do a darn thing about this problem, I guess it has to be up to me to put an end to this.
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If you have another adult to back you up, ask him or her to talk to your parents for you. It is not unusual for people to have a hard time suspecting a “nice guy” of anything wrong, but there are bigger issues than that. You should not be left to handle this alone.
 
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