Not liking the pastor at my church

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1ke said:
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Alex5:
Not sure that hugging counts as sexual harassment?
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Unwanted touching is absolutely sexual harassment.

Have Catholics learned NOTHING from the sexual abuse scandals? Have you taken any safe environment training??
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Not just Catholics - Hollywood scandals and the like. Anyone having to do especially with young people should be crystal clear - ZERO unwanted/uninvited physical contact unless it is an emergency or absolute necessity of some.sort.
 
That is very unfortunate. How are you handling it when the pastor goes in for a hug? Have you tried stepping back and raising your hand for a fist bump or something like that?
 
amazingcatholic said:
I did, but my parents do not listen to me.
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Are there other adults in your family or church community you could talk to, who might be able to have a quiet word with pastor? Emphasise that he really shouldn’t be hugging ANYONE who isn’t asking for or inviting it - and to do so opens.the door to harassment claims.
 
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Brendan_64 said:
A bit harsh if he’s just one of those over-enthusiastic types who just hugs people as a gesture of friendship.
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In the Anglo-Saxon world hugging is not a conventional form of salutation outside clearly defined groups such as families. In Italy, Argentina, and some other cultures, yes. But in this case it looks like something the priest found in a self-help book and was tricked into believing his flock will like him better if he gives them all a big hug once a week, however clumsily and ineptly he follows the instructions.
 
A pastor trying to hug a minor who doesn’t want to be hugged? Yeah, that’s not cool. That definitely goes against all the Safe Environment training I’ve been through over the past 17 years.

I’m sure the pastor means well, but it’s definitely okay to let him know that this is not okay. Ideally, it would be your parents that would do this. Honestly, they’d be doing him a favor by telling him, presuming that he is simply unaware that there could be something wrong with his actions.
 
I might let him hug me. Lately, I have been thinking about it a lot more and it started to really bother me. A few weeks ago, I held out my hand to him and he pulled me in for a hug.
 
Your mother may feel that you are being petty because you don’t like the pastor. It may be that you ARE being petty because you don’t like the pastor, but it is your body and she should respect that you don’t want to be touched. Your mom is wrong not to support you setting completely reasonable boundaries about your own body. Maybe lay it on the line. Say, “Ma, I will speak to the pastor, not roll my eyes, be respectful, but I don’t want to be hugged. I think that’s reasonable.” If that doesn’t fly, then this sounds a little toxic and you might be delving into the realm of talking to another trusted adult.
 
BartholomewB said:
But in this case it looks like something the priest found in a self-help book and was tricked into believing his flock will like him better if he gives them all a big hug once a week, however clumsily and ineptly he follows the instructions.
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You could be right there, hence reporting him to his superior and suggesting sexual harassment seems somewhat harsh on the guy.
 
amazingcatholic said:
He does not respect that not everyone is a hugger, even though I tried to give him the message, and that bothers me.
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Sometimes you have to be assertive to get what you want. Pull pastor aside and say something like “I really appreciate that you are so personable, but I am not much of a hugger. If you could stick to handshakes with me, It will keep me comfortable”.

For most people, that is all that it takes. I realize approaching him may be uncomfortable for you, but you have to communicate clearly with people if you want them to change their behavior because you are uncomfortable with what they are doing. I disagree with the posters here who suggest you convey your wishes in an aggressive manner. No need to be loud about it. No need to be rude. The guy has just probably not “gotten the memo” that teenage girls aren’t big on having older men hug them like that. Of course, you can also let him know that, if you want. You don’t need to be loud or aggressive in doing so, though. Just a normal conversation. After that, if he continues, then you can make a spectacle out of him if you like. At that point, he would deserve it.

Editted to add: It is pefectly normal and reasonable that you aren’t comfortable with the Pastor’s hugs. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. Many people on the receiving end of his hugs may love that he is so generous with that. We aren’t all the same. I don’t ever assume a hugger is trying to harrass me or or molest me or intimidate me if they attempt to hug me without asking. Would I prefer they ask? Yes. Do I think less of them if they don’t? Not really. Just not on their radar. We all have things that aren’t on our radar that should be. Use it as an opportunity to educate and inform in a loving and kind manner. Now after that, if he persists, then it is fine to blast him.
 
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Dont hold out your hand to shake his hand instead, stand out of his reach so he has to step into you if he wants a hug. Firmly say hello. please do Not hug me. If he moves towards you , step away and back sideways to stay out of his reach. He will get the message.

Do what boxers and martial artists do with space, learn to move into or out of another person’s physical space.
 
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Brendan_64 said:
hence reporting him to his superior and suggesting sexual harassment seems somewhat harsh on the guy.
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It would be harsh if that was step one.

But she’s already indicated she does not want to be hugged. She should state it once again, directly, that this is a personal boundary, it’s unwelcome touching. And if it continues it is NOT “harsh” to take it up the ladder.
 
1ke said:
It would be harsh if that was step one.

But she’s already indicated she does not want to be hugged. She should state it once again, directly, that this is a personal boundary, it’s unwelcome touching. And if it continues it is NOT “harsh” to take it up the ladder.
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But has she explicitly told him this in a way that he is clear about what she means and how much this bothers her? Sometimes people do not pick up on signals others give and some people need to be told clearly in absolute terms.

Running to someone’s superior and implyng sexual harrasment can very seriously harm someone’s life. And if the pastor was not meaning anything sexual by his actions, but was just being over-enthusiastic in his manner of showing love towards his congregation and not picking up on hints, then would that not that be extremely harsh on him?
 
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Wear a medical mask and gloves, as I must, due to a suppressed immune system. People treat you like you’re radioactive.
 
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I just said— she should tell him again directly and then if things don’t change, take it to superiors.

I don’t think you read what I actually wrote.
 
I strongly suspect that you are in the USA. I say this because I live in the UK and what you describe in not at all British.

If someone tried to hug me I would pull away and consider it a serious invasion of my personal space.

The bottom line is no one has the right to touch another person without their consent.

You say this pastor likes to hug people. I do not know why you feel you must conform. Ask yourself why his preference must be shared by other people. He has no right at all to pull anybody into a hug.

Whilst the reasons you have may be private, and I am not asking you to share them, I did find your opening remarks somewhat puzzling. If you want to become a Catholic I do have to wonder why you have not adopted the practice of coming to Mass at a Catholic church. I also am not sure why you feel compelled to attend a particular Anglican church if you want to keep going to Anglican services.
 
TomH1 said:
Whilst the reasons you have may be private, and I am not asking you to share them, I did find your opening remarks somewhat puzzling. If you want to become a Catholic I do have to wonder why you have not adopted the practice of coming to Mass at a Catholic church. I also am not sure why you feel compelled to attend a particular Anglican church if you want to keep going to Anglican services.
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The OP is a minor and attends an Anglican church with his/her parents.
 
Glennon_P said:
The OP is a minor and attends an Anglican church with his/her parents.
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Thank you very much for that information. It clarifies two things for me. First, I understand the OP’s lack of choice with respect to church attended. Secondly, as the OP is a minor I find the ‘enforced’ hugging to be of even greater concern.
 
Why are you forced to attend an Anglican church? I am a Catholic, but I have never felt forced to attend Mass. I attend because I want to worship and glorify God. And to commune with Jesus.
 
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