You are at a disadvantage to understand where Christians are coming from. We know that the human will is weakened by original sin. You don’t have this belief, but have you noticed that sometimes you do what you really don’t want to do? Then there are times when you want to do then you don’t do. This shows a weakness in our wills effected by our lack of moral strength, and the influence of our uncontrolable passions. Sometimes under the influence of this weakness we actually punish ourselves, not God but then in our ignorance we blame Him. You portray God, and perhaps we do too, as a dominating God, not a compassionate understanding God If we do we do by accident, but I think we have portrayed Him as a loving God. No matter of argument is capable of giving you the faith, and we know it too, although in our desire to help you understand, we try Holiness is a gift from God, it is His Holy Spirit at work in us, we don’t make ourselves holy. Co-operating with the grace of God means to go against our self-will, our self-love, our pride, and our ignorance, in order to prove our love and desire for God, to be found worthy of Him and His love. We grow in holiness by doing His Will, we strive as Christians to unite our wills with His, to become one with Him, and that means a lot of dying to our selves, a lot of self-sacrifice. Thats not always easy, and we rely on Him to sustain us with His faith, hope, and love. His redemptive grace, Amazing Grace. When you receive it you will find answers to your questions, and understand what others have been trying to tell you. Until that time you may remain an atheist and agnostic, not knowing and hating God.