Offended, but should I be?

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Okay, I’m confused now. In your OP you say she’s a good friend of your husband and in later posts you say she’s a stranger to all your family.

But your husband is doing this on social media, all of whom know she’s the sister of his first wife. No-one is going to think he’s not married to you because they’re friends and family of him. I don’t see how him referring to her as his sister in law would confuse anyone.

I really don’t think this is a hill worth dying on.
 
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Your husband isn’t petitioning the court for a change of legal status. It’s very weird that this is what you’re getting hung up on. If you’re worried about the woman’s influence on your family based on her actions or disposition, that would be reasonable; getting mad because she’s not REALLY a sister-in-law is not. This is not a lie, either–people who know you and her know what her status is, and your husband isn’t deceiving anyone.

Honestly, I think you are deceiving yourself by insisting that your husband is trying to construct some kind of legal lie. I suggest that you have some deep feelings of resentment toward the woman, maybe fears of what a relationship with her will do to the family. Consider trying to deal with the root causes of your distress and not being upset at your husband for using a completely innocuous courtesy title.
 
Yes, I picked upon that, too. I don’t think we have the full story here, and, as I said in my first post, the OP doesn’t owe us every detail.

OP, it’s obvious that something about this woman makes you uncomfortable. You pass it off as a different subject, but if any child or stepchild of mine was staying with a relative that definitely has some mental health issues and it seemed that they were starting to manifest themselves, I would be on my way to pick up that child!

You fuss over ‘sister in law’ but gloss over ‘insane’? Some of your values are skewered, from the information given…
 
It’s complicated. On the one hand my husband has known of her existence as a friend, former sister-in-law, for years, but still stranger as in she’s visited twice in the last 15 yrs. Until about a month ago had cut communication with everyone in our immediate family for a couple of years - Facebook, phone calls, messenger - which had previously been her only & rare contact with our family.
 
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Legend said:
You fuss over ‘sister in law’ but gloss over ‘insane’? Some of your values are skewered, from the information given…
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No-one is glossing over anything, whatever her diagnosis is officially she’s receiving appropriate treatment & medication for it.

Sister-in-law is the focus, because that’s the focus of this thread specifically whether there’s anything in the Bible, Canon Law or Church Tradition that indicts this civil legal relationship continues after the death of one of the spouses who’s marriage had caused that temporary relationship.
 
Why are you so hung up on this? My mom remarried after my dad died and still refers to my dad’s family as inlaws. So what? Is your problem really nomenclature here? This thread has just turned bizarre. Or am I missing something?
 
Wife.of.Gabriel said:
but for him to begin referring to her as his legal relative when she’s not, is bothersome because it’s not true.
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My sister has lived with her boyfriend for over 20 years. They don’t have any kids, but I refer to him as my brother-in-law. First of all he is the same to me is any of my other brother in law’s who are married. Second of all I love him like a brother. And third of all it’s nobody’s business what his relationship is to my sister, so I don’t feel the need to go into that. Calling him my brother-in-law is easier than calling him my sister’s boyfriend and explaining that they live together as husband and wife even though they aren’t married. And finally he is family. In fact, he is more family than some blood relatives. I think you may be too concerned with titles.
 
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Wow. Judge much? Perhaps my definition of marriage is not the same as yours which would mean my definition of in-laws is not the same as yours. You sound very arrogant with your reply you just threw my way. Suit yourself. You got a lot of advice from people on this thread and you aren’t interested in any of it, it would seem.
 
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Instead of giving any Scripture passage, quote any Church Tradition or Canon Law, you’re basically saying, My Mom does it so it must be okay. That’s just really not very helpful, but thanks.
 
Not sure why this would be offensive. Occasionally people who have bad marriages, even ending in divorce or death, do develop some lasting familial affection for their in-laws. As long as husband is keeping his relationship with this lady on a friendly platonic sister basis, seems okay to me.

There isn’t any church tradition or scripture going to your situation. The Church leaves it for people to work out with their spouses.
 
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Wife.of.Gabriel said:
Instead of giving any Scripture passage
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Matthew 12:46-50

46 While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”

48 He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

Seems Jesus wasn’t to concerned about legalities when defining familial relations.
 
Wife.of.Gabriel said:
I am offended, but should I be - why or why not?
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I’ll skip the particulars of your situation as well as all legal and moral arguments, and just say that you would do well to dig down and try to discover the fundamental reason for your feeling of offense. How have you been harmed? What have you lost?
Retsel said:
Being offended is a choice
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I am fascinated by Retsel’s insight. Think about your situation and see if you can find a way to choose not to be offended. If you can, I expect that you will be much happier. I’m not suggesting that you choose to suffer in silence or pretend it doesn’t bother you. I’m thinking there is a more positive approach.

For example, if you worry about hypothetical problems like “What if people think she is my sister?,” you could choose to address such minor misunderstandings as they arise. If someone thinks she is your sister, you could with kindness tell them the simple truth (for I believe it really is a truth) that your husband has family through his deceased spouse.
 
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I’ve got a sister in law that’s an ex wife of my brother in law.

My kids call her aunt, I call her my sister in law.

Life is too short to dwell and get offended over what people call each other.

It’s not a sin.

My mother’s brother died. My uncle’s wife is my aunt. Always.
 
I don’t know if this will be helpful to you but the father of one my friend’s remarried several years after his wife (my friend’s mother died). When he recently died, his obituary included his in-laws from the first marriage. It wasn’t a slight to his current wife, it was just that they had been (and continued to be) family. I don’t think that has to automatically change after somone dies.
 
Look at it another way. Your husband and the woman in question have been brought closer together, or let’s say the bond between them has been strengthened, by the death of someone close to each of them. He lost a wife and she lost a sister.

I know this differs from your assessment that he lost an ex-wife and she lost a half-sister.

Anyway, their recognition of this commonality is not in itself a bad thing. Death and funerals sometimes bring estranged relatives together, and we can view that as a benefit to the individuals and the whole family. People consider their own mortality and also think about the afterlife and recognize their spiritual connection with the deceased.

If we believe that a deceased loved one still lives, now in spirit but ultimately fully alive in the resurrection, then we recognize our continuing and living relationship with them. Call it what you like – ex-half-whatever – but there is a real connection.
 
Wife.of.Gabriel said:
My family for one. They’re appalled by it.
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General consensus on this thread seems to be that it’s an overreaction to be this upset about your husband calling her a sister in law. If your family is appalled, and you are “hurt to the depths of your heart”, even though there is no specific church teaching regarding how to address people in this situation- both you and your family seem to be making the situation more complicated than it needs to be. You can feel however you feel, but it seems like the best thing for everyone is just to accept what your husband prefers to call her and move on.

Your stepchildren lost their mother. I hope for their sake that they are not aware of how you feel about this. Your husband calling her sister an in-law is not a lie- it’s probably the most accurate way to describe the relationship. If your family is appalled, they need to keep that to themselves out of respect for you and the kids.
 
My Aunt passed away. We all love her and miss her dearly. She and my uncle had no children, but he is still my uncle. He has remarried a Welsh woman we all love and the easiest way for my mother and him to refer to eachother in-laws.

Being a second wife comes with a lot of feelings you deserve to feel. Atleast your man’s ex’s ashes weren’t stored in a gun safe for the first five years of your marriage (this did happen to my lovely Welsh aunt and she had to accompany him in his ongoing grief until he finally committed to burying my Aunt).

People have given you good advice here that you are dismissing because you hope to find answers in cannon law. I don’t think you will find what you seek and recommend you talk to a priest about this.
 
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Wife.of.Gabriel said:
Yeah, I know. You’re not alone. A lot of people feel it’s easier to lie.
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Good grief! They aren’t lying, they are speaking in generalities. If the situation called for being more specific, like someone asked, that’s when you get into it. Most people don’t want to hear that it’s your momma’s sister’s cousin-in-law thrice removed when the term relative or in-law is sufficient to move on with the conversation.

Edited to add: It is a matter of specifics. You shouldn’t have to specify that you are his second wife in every conversation just as he shouldn’t have to specify that he is no longer married to this person’s sister in every conversation.
 
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Look at it this way, if this is the worst thing that is happening in your life, you are very blessed. Maybe volunteer at the hospital, at a shelter, I have found that when I feel overwhelmed by my own problems it helps me gain perspective when I serve others.
 
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