Offended, but should I be?

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First of all, you need to admit the difference between lying, which implies deliberate deception, and using a term ambiguously. Unless you have reason to believe that your husband is attempting to deceive, you need to stop accusing him of lying. At worst, he is using a term inaccurately. Meanwhile, your insistence that he and the significant percentage of the population that use family titles honorarily, are all liars IS far more dishonest that your husband dropping the “ex” when he refers to his former SIL. Its also more harmful, since you are risking harm to your relationship with your spouse whereas he is most likely just trying to express his continued affection for a person he was family with for years.

Anyway, as a person who has spent her life being jerked around by relatives who introduce family members to me through marriage and then expect me to discard them as soon as they do, I will call whomever I want, whatever I want. If you don’t like it, then marry one person. That is all.
 
Did anyone look at the OP’s profile? She seems so proud of her ‘blended family’. With stepids, adopted kids, etc. I wonder if her stepkids call her ‘stepmommy’?

Sorry, just in a slightly nasty mood. I still don’t think we have the full story. There’s something about this woman who must rub her the wrong way.

As far as I can see, the Bible never refers to ‘step’ relatives. Neither does church doctrine. Sure, the legal relationship ended with the husband’s first wife’s death. But, why make a fuss about it???
 
Actually, the entire Book of Ruth applies to your situation. When Ruth’s first husband died, she not only continued to call Naomi the equivalent of mother-in-law, she gave up everything to go with her back to her homeland.

So you can rest easy—this is not a ‘lie’ on your husband’s part and it has clear Scriptural precedent.
 
Legend said:
There’s something about this woman who must rub her the wrong way.
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No, she doesn’t rub me the wrong way at all. My husband randomly referring to her as if she were one of his current sister in laws is the only thing that bothers me.
 
JulianN said:
it has clear Scriptural precedent.
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Perfect! Thank you! This is exactly the type of thing I was looking for when I made this post!!! Thank you! Thank you!!
 
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Allegra said:
Could be a personal problem with the aunt, or just doesn’t like being reminded about the first marriage.
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No, problem with the Aunt. She seems to be nice now that she’s unblocked my husband - she reached out to us after our oldest adult daughter told her of our miscarriage.

First marriage reminder lol wouldn’t that be our kids? I love our kids. And I like their Aunt, she seems really sweet.

Do Not at all like my husband referring to her as if she were his current sister-in-law, but apparently the book of Ruth in the Bible sets the in-law precedent post spousal death, so I’ll just have to get over it.
 
I don’t know you and I don’t know your husband, but I can try to offer you some peace of mind. Have faith in your husband. Tell him how you feel. He would want to know how you feel, even if it confuses or frustrates him. You can work through it together. That is what spouses do 🙂 .

But… I would wonder, is it possible that he has a genuine sisterly companion in this person? Maybe he didn’t have a lot of his own family growing up? Not being involved, I don’t know. 😦 . I would just wonder about these things.

I don’t personally see anything wrong with him having a ‘sister’ to lean on, but that is only if the relationship is familial and appropriate.

As I said before, your feelings matter and you should definitely tell your husband about them! <3

I hope the advice you are getting here helps. I know how frustrating it can be when you are sad, can’t help it, but speculate you are in the wrong. I have been there.
 
Yes, at the end of our Wedding Ceremony we had the Adoption Ceremony. My husband adopted my children & I adopted his children through the Church. I was Greek Orthodox at the time and the Orthodox Church has a special Adoption Ceremony. Adoption is highly regarded in the Orthodox Church, though in like 25 yrs as a priest we were the first couple to request it - even he teared up. I’m Catholic now, I’m not aware of there is an equivalent ceremony in Catholicism or not. The guy at our Parish who handled our Marriage Sanation, I think it was called, had never heard of a Church Adoption.
 
I can’t help but think it’s possible that he’s not really sure what else to refer to her as but uses the term because he still considers her “family” – and a person’s sense of family doesn’t necessarily end when a marriage does. I had a family member that technically ceased to be a “relative” because they were in the family not by blood, but through a marriage that eventually failed. But I still have that existing relationship with him as an uncle and those memories with him. I don’t call him my “ex-uncle” and my sense of him being part of the family never ended. I’d like to think your husband doesn’t intend harm or to insinuate that their old marriage has any validity over yours. I think it’s just that changes in family marital situations just don’t always have a clear protocol as far as changing labels goes, especially if a sense of family bond is still there.
 
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My brother-in-law lost his wife fifteen years ago. He is now dating again, but still maintains a relationship with his deceased wife’s family and he still refers them as his in-laws. At his daughter’s solemn profession of vows as a Carmelite, he had his lady friend with him and, of course, his daughter’s maternal grandmother and aunts… and he referred to them all as his mother-in-law and sisters-in-law in front of his friend and everyone, even though “legally” they are no longer his in-laws since his wife’s death dissolved the marriage. No one batted an eye, least of all his lady friend.

Worrying about making clear distinctions regarding the relationship among the family members of former partners (whether deceased or not) smacks of insecurity in the current relationship and even jealousy, especially if the relationships with the ex or former spouse’s family members was friendly and cordial. To insist on denying that the relationship ever existed seems extreme. I hope you and your husband come to an understanding over this issue and you find peace.
 
Wife.of.Gabriel said:
Yes, at the end of our Wedding Ceremony we had the Adoption Ceremony. My husband adopted my children & I adopted his children through the Church. I was Greek Orthodox at the time and the Orthodox Church has a special Adoption Ceremony. Adoption is highly regarded in the Orthodox Church, though in like 25 yrs as a priest we were the first couple to request it - even he teared up. I’m Catholic now, I’m not aware of there is an equivalent ceremony in Catholicism or not. The guy at our Parish who handled our Marriage Sanation, I think it was called, had never heard of a Church Adoption.
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This doesn’t sound like a legal process to me. You are concerned that the sister in law is not a “legal” relationship, but it doesn’t sound like the kids were legally adopted either?
 
Clementine14 said:
This doesn’t sound like a legal process to me. You are concerned that the sister in law is not a “legal” relationship, but it doesn’t sound like the kids were legally adopted either?
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Legally, in a civil ceremony, my husband was married before me which established a sister-in-law relationship which terminated when she filed for divorced & then she supposedly rescinded the divorce (although there’s no record of it) and then when she died. In the eyes of the Church (Catholic), my husband was never married before me because he was a baptised Catholic & didn’t follow any of the Marriage Laws of the Church. That being said, this in no way mitigates the blood & adoptive familial ties my children have with any of their Aunts/Uncles on their birth mother’s side (out father’s side) of their family - all those blood & adoptive ties remain intact regardless of their parent’s marital legitimacy, or lack thereof.

Although, I recognize the Church as having the primarily legitimate authority over any civil authority; I’m still fine using the terms of wife & sister-in-law as they were considered under U.S. Law for the duration of their exclusively Civil Marriage - which was recognized on earth under US Law, even though not at all recognized in Heaven.

The Catholic Church recognizes as valid all rites & ceremonies of the Orthodox Churches, including the Adoption Ceremony, even though in the Catholic Church it might not still be in use - although since posting last night a Google search pulled up that there IS a Rite of Adoption performed in the Catholic Church which supposedly can be found in the Roman Catholic Church’s Book of Blessings in which the parents (& children, if old enough) take Vows Catholic Rite of Welcome Adoption Ritual - Beliefnet

The Church (Catholic & Orthodox) is far older than the U.S. government, by more than 1,700 years, & unlike U.S.'s authority, the Authority of the Church is recognized in Heaven, so yeah I’d definitely consider the Church Adoptions as totally legit, even if they’re not recognized by U.S. Law. We did go through our local Family Court System & informed them of our Marriage & our children’s Adoptions & the Family Court issued an order which was sent to the birth State for amended Birth Certificates and now all the children in our blended family, except one of our daughters who was already married at the time, all legally have & use our Family’s Surname.
 
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Now that some days have passed since this thread began and your original disagreement with your husband began, are you feeling any differently about it?
 
DisorientingSneeze said:
Now that some days have passed since this thread began and your original disagreement with your husband began, are you feeling any differently about it?
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Yes, I’m feeling better.
  1. I prayed.
  2. Someone here on CAF had posted that the book of Ruth in the Old Testament of the Bible sets a precedent for continuing to refer to in-laws as in-laws following the death of a spouse. Granted, Ruth & her first husband would have followed the Mosaic Marriage Laws otherwise they’d have both been stoned to death, while my baptized & Confirmed Catholic husband & his first wife did not follow Church Marriage Laws, so it’s not exactly the same situation, but close enough to see a Biblical precedent for using the term post ending of a Marriage. It definitely helped, so I’m glad I posted the question here on CAF.
  3. My husband sincerely apologized.
  4. Marriage is far more important than hurt feelings. Can’t hang onto hurt feelings or any other kind negativity because that could have the potential to hurt a relationship. Always got to be ready to forgive and move on.
 
Wife.of.Gabriel said:
although since posting last night a Google search pulled up that there IS a Rite of Adoption performed in the Catholic Church which supposedly can be found in the Roman Catholic Church’s Book of Blessings in which the parents (& children, if old enough) take Vows Catholic Rite of Welcome Adoption Ritual - Beliefnet
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This is a blessing of a civil, legal adoption. There is also a completely new Sacramental Record created.

Did you legally adopt the children? This statement is confusing:
Wife.of.Gabriel said:
We did go through our local Family Court System & informed them of our Marriage & our children’s Adoptions & the Family Court issued an order which was sent to the birth State for amended Birth Certificates and now all the children in our blended family, except one of our daughters who was already married at the time, all legally have & use our Family’s Surname.
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If there was a legal adoption, more than just a legal name change, then notify the kids’ baptismal parish so the records can reflect this legal status.
 
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