Older? Catholic? Looking for a husband or wife?

[choosyone]

Good evening. I am a convert to Catholicism. I went through the annulment process and was free to marry in the Church before I converted. Over the past few years, I have heard from hundreds of older single Catholics that are leaving the Church. Why? The focus is on younger persons looking for a spouse. There is a shortage of support for anyone not in a few categories: young and not yet married, married with family, or religious. I have not found anything for older single Catholics. The few times I have brought it up, I have been encouraged to: give my time and money to the church; become a prayer warrior for the Church; encouraged to look into religious life; or ignored. The deeply disturbing part is that hundreds of others are leaving the faith over this issue.

Have any dioceses looked into this issue to staunch the flow of Catholics away from the Church?

Here are a few of the comments I have heard from people leaving the Church just since January 1, 2018:

“My priest does not recognize that I am not single by choice and the issue causes me great pain and is breaking down my health.”

“The marriage programs talk about the sacrament of marriage and how spouses are to help each other get to heaven. Who helps those of us that are single? Are we doomed?”

“Single is rarely mentioned as a vocation. If it is mentioned, it is a one line comment. There are tons of things for young persons looking for a life partner. Even more for married people with children. And to top it off, programs for struggling marriages. even programs for divorced Catholics. For older singles in the Church there appears to be nothing.”

The last comment I heard two days ago was this: “I don’t fit into any of the officially recognized groups in the Church. It is as if I do not exist or have value without a prescribed context.”

I guess as a convert, maybe this falls harder on my heart and ears. It raises questions in my own mind. It is devastating to see the deep hurt on these peoples faces and hear the despair in their voices.

Does anyone experience this or see this as well. I don’t know how to respond, and my concerns for my own future in the Church is becoming a concern. Will these be my concerns in the future as well?

Any help and guidance is appreciated.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I don’t understand. What groups are you talking about? Most groups I can think of aren’t exclusive to married people. I know of plenty of single, divorced or widowed people who belong to groups.

 

[Irishmom2]

I have seen comments like the OPs before, and I mean no disrespect, but I don’t understand what people want the Church to do with regards to older Catholics that are single and looking for a spouse. What exactly are the “tons of things for young people looking for a spouse” that the church offers?

 

[choosyone]

As a convert, I know that the Protestant churches have a lot of different activity groups and ways to meet people. I believe that is part of the allure, or lure, of those churches. I have heard that from a lot of people leaving the Church. I came into the Church for the Eucharist. But I came from a Protestant church with lots of groups. It seems to many people that I gave a lot of social groups up when I came to the Catholic Church. I believe the chance to be a member of an active faith group is important and I did notice my faith social life took a big down turn after becoming Catholic. I think that social groups and gatherings are more common in the Protestant Churches. Lots of singles groups and dating sites. I just don’t know what to say to people. They have some valid points. I also believe married persons with families understand. Their lives are full to bursting and they may relish some alone time. People like me are alone all the time. It is not a refreshing respite. Any advice for what to say to people?

 

[choosyone]

I have seen groups for young Catholic professionals under age 35, co fraternity for Angelic warfare for those under 30, meet and greet at local pubs for those under 35, Catholic Singles meet ups for people under 35 are the things that I have seen for diocese and parishes. I believe this is what people I know in the Columbus Ohio diocese are making reference to. I know there are events through family and married life, and religious vocations events. The only person that I know found something at the diocese level for older single Catholics was in Cleveland. Several people I know have gone to that area. Seems a bit of a challenge to me. Catholic radio also publicizes these events. Have not heard of one for single Catholics except dating sites on there. What diocese are you in?

 

[1Lord1Faith]

The only person that I know found something at the diocese level for older single Catholics was in Cleveland. Several people I know have gone to that area.

If it works for the diocese of Cleveland, it may also work in Columbus. See if you and your friends can get a program going in your parish or diocese.

I can see how coming from a church that has many different groups to a church that doesn’t have many is a big down turn for you.

I can also say that there are some groups that are exclusive to younger people. I’m not sure what the purpose of that is.

 

[QwertyGirl]

I think a large part of the issue here is lonliness. We live in a time where lonliness is a problem for peoplel in all demographics (I know a lot of married people who are even lonely), but especially for older, singles.

It must be terrible to suffer this kind of lonliness and have the issue dismissed by your priest or your church associates. Young, single people still hold out hope (those who are looking for a partner) for a relationship, marriage, family, etc. By the time you are in your sixties you know it isn’t likely to unfold that way.

I think compassion is what a lot of people look for as part of the church experience. To be met with dismissal is really quite heartbreaking.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t know how old were talking here, but in the parishes where I live, EVERY group seems to be built around those who are retired or unemployed. Even the mom’s Bible study group is held at Tuesday at noon! No one figured out why that time might not be the best time yet. There is only one group that doesn’t seem to be designed around the schedule of the elderly or unemployed and that is the music ministry. Those are usually held in the evening. None of the parishes I’ve been in have had a singles group for any age, although there was a local singles group in my area on Catholic Match that often got together. I’m told the vast majority of volunteers in the parish are retired, and that’s the main reason usually given for the non-inclusive schedule.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Would you be interested in starting a group for older singles? If you are receiving feedback from others who feel the same, perhaps some of them could help start the group.

It does seem like sometimes you just have to start the kind of groups you want to see (though of course not everyone is in a position to do so). There tend to be a number of demographics that voice feelings of being overlooked or forgotten in the Church: Divorced people, infertile/childless married couples, single people (including young ones–not every city or diocese has young adult groups like the ones you mention), etc.

I have seen bulletin notices in one of the local parishes for regular lunch gatherings for seniors (organized by one of the parishioners in that age group). Something like that could be relatively simple to start.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Actually, we’ve had many threads from young single people saying that their local church offers nothing for them, no help in finding potential spouses, that once they leave their college Newman Center and join a regular parish everybody there is either married already or is old. I went through that myself as a young person. I felt like everything at my parish was for married people with kids, or single moms with kids, or older retired people. There were almost no single never-married people my age. This was a result of the demographics of our area, which simply didn’t have a lot of young professionals living there.

And we’ve had threads from married people with kids saying their local church offers nothing for them, they can’t join in the activities because they have to look after their kids, the parish groups are all staffed by older people/ single people who have more time to work on that stuff.

i get the impression this is a “grass is always greener on the other side” problem. If someone happens to find themself in a parish that has more people of other demographics or is not meeting the exact need/ want they have at the moment, they universalize it to “The Church is not doing thus and so” without stopping to think that it may be a problem local to their parish/ area or it may be that nobody started a group for their particular need yet.

I agree with the statement that if you think the church should have some group and it’s not there, then you need to take the responsibility to start it. You also have to face the fact that you might try to start it and find very little interest in your own parish, for example if there just aren’t very many people of the age and interest you’re seeking. You might have to look across parish lines and try to start something with a broader reach.

As for reasons why people leave the Church, it’s rarely as simple as what you’re saying - that people couldn’t find a social group to fit into, so they left. Tha last comment about “It is as if I do not exist” could have been me as a twenty something, because that was how I felt going to my parish then. However, I had a lot of other stuff going on in my life too, including a lot of moral struggles that I certainly wouldn’t have been confiding to someone like yourself. I simply wasn’t into living my life for Christ at that point. It’s pretty easy to take a potshot at a parish for not having a young singles group. It’s something else to actually deeply question what you yourself are doing with your life in terms of goals and living your faith, and how that might be a huge part of the problem. In view of my own experience and what i’ve learned since, I don’t think it’s really my job to run around “staunching the flow of Catholics away from the Church” because a lot of the change they need to make to keep them in the Church has to come from within their own hearts. Just making another social group or support group is not going to keep them in.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I can also say that there are some groups that are exclusive to younger people. I’m not sure what the purpose of that is.

Often they’re for younger people to find friends and dates. A young person wants to show up and see other people their age, not a bunch of 40-year-olds.

 

[choosyone]

According to several people I have spoken with, our bishop will not allow groups like this on church property because it may encourage relationships between people not eligible to marry in the church.

And these are not people of retirement age. They are 40-70. For many singles they cannot afford to retire and they have a huge financial burden. I also have noticed that many groups are for daytime only get togethers.

I empathize with the 20 somethings and their loneliness while looking for a spouse. Add another 30-40 years of those feelings and I can fully understand the despair.

Also, if the bishop will not allow these groups, how do you publicize your gatherings? Social media only sends a wide broadcast.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

And these are not people of retirement age. They are 40-70. For many singles they cannot afford to retire

I understand that many people cannot afford to truly retire, but in USA, “retirement age” is thought to start at about age 55. That is when you start getting the mail from AARP and similar groups. I also do know people who retire in their 50s if they are able to do so. Many wait till their 60s especially if they are trying to put some kids through college first.

 

[jeannetherese]

A question to ponder is whether Christ established His church as a matchmaking service for singles or, perhaps, as something more?

 

[Fraevo63]

I am sad to hear of, “older single Catholics leaving the Church”… I am older, single and just getting here.

 

[BoomerangToo]

“My priest does not recognize that I am not single by choice and the issue causes me great pain and is breaking down my health.”

"For older singles in the Church there appears to be nothing.”

“I don’t fit into any of the officially recognized groups in the Church. It is as if I do not exist or have value without a prescribed context.”

Does anyone experience this or see this as well. I don’t know how to respond, and my concerns for my own future in the Church is becoming a concern. Will these be my concerns in the future as well?

I have to agree with @Irishmom2. What do you expect the Church to do? Although it’s great when your church has a lot of social programs, the Catholic Church exists for the purpose of the salvation of souls and the administration of the sacraments. It’s not a social club or a dating service and it was never intended to be one.

Protestant churches, especially non-denominational churches, have actually become social clubs with a Christian theme, which on the surface is very attractive. Unfortunately, they have no sacraments and no Eucharist.

The problem here is just what @Qwertygirl has stated. It’s the epidemic of loneliness that is the problem. I’m afraid if you are looking at the Catholic Church to ameliorate your loneliness and desire for a spouse, you will be disappointed. I’m concerned for your future in the Church, too. Stop looking for the Church to be your end-all, be-all. Get out, join clubs. Go to your local senior center. Join Meetups. Volunteer. That’s where you will meet a potential spouse.

We go to a Catholic Church to worship God and receive the Eucharist. That’s all. Everything else is fluff. It’s nice fluff, but it’s fluff. You are going to have to fulfill your social life elsewhere, I’m afraid.

 

[BoomerangToo]

I hear there are a lot of really beautiful churches in Detroit.

 

[choosyone]

I think God made us to be a pair, and the Church from the beginning values that or marriage. The relationship between God and his Church is parallel to marriage. The relationship is a covenant, a marriage contract to love and support, respect and uphold to allow “the bride” (Church) to flourish and be fruitful. Marriage is a Sacriment. If it is not to encourage marriage, then I got all the extra reading I have done dead wrong.

In the Jewish tradition, single persons were a threat to the stability of society and marriage was of utmost importance and matchmakers were utilized then and now. Mary, Joseph, and Jesus were Jews. They would have understood this focus on marriage. The first of His miracles was converting water to wine to celebrate a marriage covenant.

These are the things that lead me to believe that it should be a focus. Maybe as a convert with extensive reading background I have missed something that is the purview of cradle Catholics.

 

[1ke]

The deeply disturbing part is that hundreds of others are leaving the faith over this issue.

I don’t understand why anyone would leave the church because they are single. How is this the Church’s fault or responsibility?

I have not found anything for older single Catholics.

Then start a ministry. If you want to socialize with other single adults your age, start a group and invite others in your parish to join for social and spiritual events.

Single is rarely mentioned as a vocation

Because it’s not a vocation.

Does anyone experience this or see this as well

I see people who think think “the Church” has to make a special group just for them, or “the Church” is (insert adjective here: insensitive, uncaring, etc) without recognizing that they ARE the Church and it’s up to them to fill a ministry need if they see one. “The Church” didn’t start the young adults or the moms or the ladies or the men or the Boy Scouts or the prayer group, etc. Members of the church did.

So my advice to preople who whine and complain about there not being any ministry for them is to ask what they’ve done to start one. For example:

When my friends from young adults got married they tried the married group but it was older marrieds with kids and the young marrieds “didn’t fit in”. Did they whine about it? No, they went to the pastor and asked if they could start a young marrieds group. The answer? Yes.

When my friend and I were annoyed that the only bible studies were during the weekdays (older, retirees and homemakers) and we were working young adults did we whine that the parish wasn’t meeting our needs? No. We went to the adult Ed director and asked how do we start a bible study for young adults? She helped us get it launched and it’s still running 20 years later although we are long gone.

 

[jeannetherese]

What will keep Catholics in the Church is awareness of the Real Presence or Our Lord, Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity in the Blessed Sacrament.
Perhaps you might focus upon evangelization about the Real Presence as a means of addressing your concern about some who leave?