On having children

[alexvat02]

Wow what a great comment! You were very thorough and gave some really great tips. I will definitely check out your book suggestions. Prayers for those you mentioned that were having difficulty having children, that can definitely happen, and I hope that it works out for the best with them. Thank you for taking the time to write this comment. It amazes me how generous some people can be!

 

[alexvat02]

Yes I agree that children can need certain things now a days than they did before. But as far as a phone, even though I really wanted one because my friends had one, it was really best if I didn’t get one until later. It definitely was a great source of evil in my life until I was able to learn self control in older age. Thank you for your time!

 

[Peeps]

Wow what a great comment! You were very thorough and gave some really great tips. I will definitely check out your book suggestions. Prayers for those you mentioned that were having difficulty having children, that can definitely happen, and I hope that it works out for the best with them. Thank you for taking the time to write this comment. It amazes me how generous some people can be!

You sound like a great guy! Your future wife and future children will love you!

 

[signit]

In this day and age, it is important for middle schoolers on up to have a phone. It doesn’t have to be a smart phone with internet access, but at least one that they can call you or their mother (or other trusted adult) if they are in trouble or you can call them if need be. I hesitate to say this, but my sweet friend was adament her 11 year-old granddaughter get a phone. When I asked why, she said that "times are different and even if you know where your child is, they may need to get in touch with you and she then when on to explain a bit about domestic terrorism, school shootings, and all the ugly things we don’t want to think about for our grandchildren or children. Even if one homeschools, there will be opportunities that it’s best for a middle school age child to have their own form of reaching their parents, be it at a church function, ball game, etc. Of course, flip phones with only calling and texting access come pretty cheap, so that shouldn’t be an issue. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but I felt the need to point that out…especially for daughters and who they may encounter, even when you assume they are with adults you can trust.

Right; when I was about that age we were told we should have a dime on us at all times so we could get to a pay phone and call our mother in an emergency. Today, obviously, you couldn’t do that.

Not to mention, when they’re a little older they’ll need their own phone so potential employers can get in touch with them.

 

[MarysLurker]

Yes I am planning on going to law school, so debt is going to be an issue, but I’ll figure it out. Thank you for your time.

Justice Barrett has been mentioned as a successful Catholic lawyer (understatement) with a large family. But as you may know, her husband was basically a stay at home dad.

Keep in mind that if you choose law or another high pay
+high stress track, your spouse will have to be in that boat.

Since you are considering law school here are a few thoughts on it.

Law school is expensive but the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program can help, if you choose to work for government or a non-profit out of law school. That is one of the two viable career tracks for lawyers. The other one is BigLaw… working for a mega firm in a megalopolis like NYC, Chicago, Dallas etc. If you google around for the experiences of BigLaw associates you will see that it is not a good option for a Catholic who needs time to date, pray and raise a family. (As for solo general practice, it is basically dead at the hands of LegalZoom and the Internet. You need specialized expertise to attract clients as a solo. So if your ideal was hanging a shingle on your own firm so as to control your schedule… probably not happening.)

You also need to decide which law school. I agree that you should consider discerning your vocation to marriage while in school (after the grueling 1L year). However, law schools and the profession in general are dominated by secular liberalism (just look at the ABA). Choose a faithful Catholic law school like Ave. One of my former coworkers went there and he got a good professional and moral formation.

 

[jeannetherese]

Landlines work fine for employer calls.
Not every parent considers a cell phone a must have in fact some are actively working to limit their children’s use of tech.
When we get the results of th next set of national school test results, we’ll have all kinds of insights into learning with tech vs teh more old school methods and i don’t expect tech to come out looking very good.
People are already talking about lost years with online learning.
Speaking of learning, O.P.
With the problems of public education curriculums and the cost of sending a large number of children to a private school, you might want to explore homeschooling options and make sure you have the ‘what to do about school’ talk with your future wife before marriage.

 

[jeannetherese]

Or, perhaps, a JAG as your career in the military.

 

[MarysLurker]

Or, perhaps, a JAG as your career in the military

Indeed. That is one of the more interesting options on the public service track. Though the military is its own world with a unique culture, and possibly major travel requirements.

On that note… be prepared to move to find the one. We are in an age where faithful marriagable Catholics are getting harder and harder to find. I was fortunate to find one in my hometown but I think that in the future, singles will have to deliberately seek out parishes, colleges and towns that cultivate marriageable Catholics. This is why I think OP should go to a law school where OP can do just that.

 

[Jen7]

One word of warning!

You will probably never feel like you can afford your children…especially the first one. But…you will find a way. Unless you start out with a great income…most don’t…you will think, “how can I afford a child?”

Then, you have one and you make it work! Learning self denial and frugal living are great tools that you either have or quickly learn when children enter the household. If everyone waited to have children until they thought they could afford them, we’d have very few children!

You and your wife will probably want to learn about Natural Family Planning because it’s so useful for not only spacing your children but also having them! Classes will be found through your parish.

All of this!!!

We have had six living children in eleven years. If I could advise anything it would be to start in on habits of generosity. Because parenting ANY number of children will stretch you hugely beyond what single life / married with no kids can do! Having babies over and over and over… will stretch you more in some areas and less in others. (With fewer kids they look to you more for entertainment; a crowd of kids creates their own fun… but fewer kids grow up more quickly; more kids means more years of diapers and sleepless nights. So there’s a trade off either way.) But no matter how many kids you have - plan to need to be generous!

 

[Peeps]

If I could advise anything it would be to start in on habits of generosity. Because parenting ANY number of children will stretch you hugely beyond what single life / married with no kids can do!

And this goes along with what I suggested about avoiding addictions of any kind.

An addiction is purely self-centered. I’m not criticizing this–I see nothing wrong/evil with drinking coffee in the morning, or having that afternoon Pepsi.

But an addiction competes with children for time and energy, and of course, money.

Again, nothing wrong with telling older children that Mommy or Daddy MUST have their morning cup of coffee before the children can talk to them. It’s possible that this might train children to not expect instant gratification–but…it might also give children the message that the coffee is necessary for life, or that the coffee is more importan than the child.

It’s just better to be free of entanglements and complications when you have kids. It’s better, as you say, to be GENEROUS with children. After all, that’s the way God is with us. He never tells us to be quiet (no prayers!) until He’s had His morning Java.

 

[Jen7]

Find a woman who truly want a large family. It is unlikely that you will change her mind. Don’t make the same mistake I do.

I would find a wife willing to commit to NFP. That was non-negotiable for my husband and I EVEN THOUGH we were freaked out about having more than two kids (since we were both from small families). But NFP has a way of making you decide it wouldn’t be so bad if you got pregnant again after all. So don’t worry about the wife wanting just a few kids. Take care of your end of things (be able to provide for many kids) and be sweet to your wife. She may come around.

 

[JMMJ]

Don’t have more than you can provide for, emotionally as well as financially. Don’t plan on having the older kids parent the younger ones.

 

[whatistrue]

It doesn’t have to be a smart phone with internet access, but at least one that they can call you or their mother (or other trusted adult) if they are in trouble or you can call them if need be.

I ran into an interesting issue when I was looking for a phone with no Internet access for my son when I had to take away his smartphone. They are exceedingly hard to find. Even the basic flip phones these days are almost always email and web capable (even if the people at the stores don’t understand that), which is related to what prompted the removal in the first place. I eventually had to get a Jitterbug flip phone that was marketed as good for seniors in order to get one that was absolutely not capable of connecting to the Internet; just call and text.

 

[AnaCarolina7]

Jesus will be with you as you are gifted with Children and find the perfect wife .

The number of children willbe perfect too.

 

[Jen95]

You might also think about schooling - will you consider parochial school, homeschooling, local public schools? Parochial schools can be very expensive, but then homeschooling can be too, if it means the Mom can never work part-time even. But with a really large family she probably couldn’t anyway. Which is fine of course, but a little extra income can come in handy.
I’ve wondered about really large families that live in a rural area - that seems idyllic to me. Otherwise in the trendy suburbs it’s hard to keep up with the Joneses when you have ten kids and they have two! And it’s possible that your kids would notice that you don’t take the annual disney trip, don’t go to every sports camp, don’t have the newest video game platform, etc.

Also consider if you really want to move far away from family - it’s awfully helpful to have grandparents, and other extended family around!

 

[alexvat02]

Thank you for all of the great information! You were very thorough in your response. It amazes me how generous some people can be. I agree with pretty much everything that you said, although I think that you can get married before you have kids. Thank you for your time!

 

[alexvat02]

Thank you for your kind words! Only through God’s grace have I been born anew.

 

[rosejmj]

I agree that online learning is not the best. It’s hard to really learn and retain information. On top of that you miss out on a lot of normal social interactions which are vital for children’s social development. Which is a reason I’d also be hesitant to choose homeschooling unless you can find a solid community of families who are in the same place. Even then it takes more effort than just meeting kids and parents from school

 

[Anicette]

I agree with pretty much everything that you said, although I think that you can get married before you have kids.

I am not sure to understand what you mean…

Of course, we should get married before having kids… Unless, we didn’t do the things “rightly”, and repair after.

Do you mean you believe that we can “wait” a little while married before starting to have the first child?

If yes, why not to wait we have a better situation, but we should understand that (natural) plans may fail, so we should be more or less ready to have children when we get married.

Ourselves, our first child is born only in the second year, it was because it wasn’t “worked” before. But I think it was a God’s blessing, because it permits me to finish a professional work before.

Thanks you for your kindness!

 

[alexvat02]

Thank you for the suggestions! Yes I have heard of Ave Maria and it was suggested by Ted Cruz when he was asked this question so I think that it is a good one. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and your time!