Thank you for sharing this! You sound a lot like me. I wonder how many of us are out there? How strange.
Though I didn’t have as much a falling away experience, I and I think quite a few others have experienced much the same disillusionment with the abuses and lack of orthodoxy and orthopraxy, but were brought back and set on fire by a discovery of the Truth in the Church.
Regarding the Synod and pastoral practices, I have sympathy for a couple of very difficult questions the bishops face. Let me put them to you and ask what you all think. Here are the hypotheticals (which I think are actually, unfortunately, quite common).
- One spouse is divorced and remarried (assume it’s the other spouse’s first marriage), with children in the new “marriage;” second “marriage” is strong several years in, and at least a few of the children are young. Let’s assume that the first marriage was considered by a Marriage Tribunal to be valid–the original partners entered into marriage with sufficient knowledge and intent for it to be permanent and sacramental. The spouse involved in the second marriage fought for the life of the first, but was abandoned by the partner (assume, then, that there is less fault there, more of a victim). Let’s assume, also, that both were fallen away or non-Catholics, later converted; in other words, their confusion in getting into this situation in the first place (particularly given the culture) is even more understandable.
So, now you have a problem that,
for the sake of the children, what do you do with this second “marriage?”
Children need their parents to set the example of a GOOD marriage for them to be best formed and prepared. They need both parents present in the house. So it seems to me that separation of the parents would be particularly bad for the children. Do they need to take the hard road of living “as brother and sister,” raising the children in that environment?
Does that introduce “too much scandal?”
Does that lifestyle mean that they cannot show
physical or romantic affection (kissing, touching, romantic activity)? If so, they can’t model such a good relationship to their children…
Yes, I know that in this situation, the parents are in an adulterous situation. I know that hard choices and sacrifices may be their cross to bear. But what do they do
for the sake of the children? What causes the least harm to/does the most good for
them?
- Much the same situation, but in a polygamous culture, as many of the African bishops have to contend with. Or perhaps converts from Islam. There you have one man, many “wives,” children from each “wife.” What is the best pastoral approach for the sake of the “wives” beyond the first? What of the children?
It seems to me that “putting them out” of the household, even following the Abraham/Hagar/Ishmael example, would be quite likely to lead to bitterness of the husband and especially of the wives and children, quite possibly leading to their rejection of the Church and the Gospel (and thus endangering their souls further). I’ll also point out that the exile of Hagar and Ishmael was not immediately required–it came only after Sarah’s insistence, seemingly largely due to the serious conflict and disunity that was coming about because of it–and because, I would suggest, of her envious, prideful, and antagonistic attitude–i.e., she probably
should have been more loving and willing to work out a domestic accommodation, so long as it did not involve continued adultery between Abraham and Hagar, which we have no evidence of.
So again, in those hard situations, how do you handle the mess that they’re in? How do you care for the other women and children?