Opp sex friendships and marriage

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I seriously need reading glasses or a class in reading comprehension.:).

I voted no-because I thought I was voting if it’s ok to have a friend of the opposite sex. So for me the answer is no-it’s not ok, and yes, I don’t think it’s a good idea. So do I have to vote yes twice to cancel that out?

To me a friend is someone you share your life with on a deeper level then an aquaintance. I would feel uncomfortable having a deep relationship with a man other than my husband.

For social fun things that dh is involved with at the same time, then ok, but they would not be my friend, just another fun person who’s there.
 
mommy_k said:
I seriously need reading glasses or a class in reading comprehension.:).

I voted no-because I thought I was voting if it’s ok to have a friend of the opposite sex. So for me the answer is no-it’s not ok, and yes, I don’t think it’s a good idea. So do I have to vote yes twice to cancel that out?

To me a friend is someone you share your life with on a deeper level then an aquaintance. I would feel uncomfortable having a deep relationship with a man other than my husband.

For social fun things that dh is involved with at the same time, then ok, but they would not be my friend, just another fun person who’s there.
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I agree with this.
 
AdamPeter said:
It’s not really about scandal. It’s more about whether certain friendships may be a threat to chastity in marriage. Scandal may be a result in some cases but I’m more talking about emotional intimacy that could lead to sin.

I don’t think you’re right about trust issues. I just think that, human nature, being what it is, needs to be respected.

It’s prudent, within marriage, to place a limit on exclusive friendships with the opp sex.
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I don’t know, I must have a very rare and wonderful kind of relationship with my husband.
Maybe that is why we have been a couple for over 25 years. :D:heart:

As I have said, most of my close friends always have been men. Some of them, my husband is also friends with, some he is not, but it as NEVER been an issue.

Hubby knows all of my friends, and knows that there is nothing romantic about these friendships. If anything, as polar opposites (I am a chatty, emotional, extrovert- he is a quiet, logical, introvert) he is thrilled that I have friends that will listen to my emotional outbursts so that he doesn’t have too! 😉
 
Oneofthewomen said:
I don’t know, I must have a very rare and wonderful kind of relationship with my husband.
Maybe that is why we have been a couple for over 25 years. :D:heart:

As I have said, most of my close friends always have been men. Some of them, my husband is also friends with, some he is not, but it as NEVER been an issue.

Hubby knows all of my friends, and knows that there is nothing romantic about these friendships. If anything, as polar opposites (I am a chatty, emotional, extrovert- he is a quiet, logical, introvert**) he is thrilled that I have friends that will listen to my emotional outbursts so that he doesn’t have too! **😉
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Isn’t part of marriage supposed to be about being emotionally available for one’s spouse?

Most of my friends are men and most of my other half’s friends are female. I would say the only female friend I need is her. I wouldn’t be comfortable pouring my emotions out to any other woman and I’d like to think that she would know that I’ll always be there to listen to her without her looking for emotional support elsewhere.

I’m not judging your relationship because I don’t know you at all…It just seems to me that, in general, it may not be a good thing to be too emotionally close with members of the opposite sex other than one’s spouse.
 
AdamPeter said:
Isn’t part of marriage supposed to be about being emotionally available for one’s spouse?

I’m not judging your relationship because I don’t know you at all…It just seems to me that, in general, it may not be a good thing to be too emotionally close with members of the opposite sex other than one’s spouse.
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Yes, and we do support each other emotionally.

However, there are just some things that concern me that do not concern my husband. Actually, it makes him sad that he can’t “fix” some things for me, because that is his “job” as he like to say. But some things can’t be fixed.

I find it to be because I love and appreciate our differences that our relationship is so strong.
Intimacy is not just about sex. I can be intimate about my feelings with someone and not have any sexual feelings what-so-ever. The fact that the 2 are so intertwined in our sex-obsessed culture is even more sad to me than the fact that so many people think platonic, opposite sex relationships are always a recipe for disaster.

And on that note, I am out of this thread. It’s too depressing.
 
Maybe one’s opinion on this depends on how many opposite sex friends they had prior to entering into the marriage?

For someone (like me) who had many male friends and, in fact, my best friend since 1st grade is a man, it would be unthinkable to say “we, now that I’m married we can’t be friends anymore.” I have 20+ years of memories with some of these men that aren’t going to just be swept aside because I got married.

Also, it just happens that because of my work I am largely around men. I have been unsuccessful in developing many friendships outside of the work environment so if it wasn’t for some of these new “guy friends” I probably would have few friends at all. The benefit of a work friend- particularly those who have been in the industry longer- is that you have a sounding board for professional development and day to day work crises. Two things that my husband really wouldn’t be able to help with in the same way.
 
Oneofthewomen said:
Yes, and we do support each other emotionally.

However, there are just some things that concern me that do not concern my husband. Actually, it makes him sad that he can’t “fix” some things for me, because that is his “job” as he like to say. But some things can’t be fixed.

I find it to be because I love and appreciate our differences that our relationship is so strong.
Intimacy is not just about sex. I can be intimate about my feelings with someone and not have any sexual feelings what-so-ever. The fact that the 2 are so intertwined in our sex-obsessed culture is even more sad to me than the fact that so many people think platonic, opposite sex relationships are always a recipe for disaster.

And on that note, I am out of this thread. It’s too depressing.
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There is always exceptions to every rule as they say. But I don’t think this is a symptom of a “sex-obsessed society”. The discussion we’re having is on chastity in marriage. Many of the saints wrote of the need to be prudent to protect one’s vocation from harm.
 
Oneofthewomen said:
Yes, and we do support each other emotionally.

However, there are just some things that concern me that do not concern my husband. Actually, it makes him sad that he can’t “fix” some things for me, because that is his “job” as he like to say. But some things can’t be fixed.

I find it to be because I love and appreciate our differences that our relationship is so strong.
Intimacy is not just about sex. I can be intimate about my feelings with someone and not have any sexual feelings what-so-ever. The fact that the 2 are so intertwined in our sex-obsessed culture is even more sad to me than the fact that so many people think platonic, opposite sex relationships are always a recipe for disaster.

And on that note, I am out of this thread. It’s too depressing.
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For the record, I empathize with you 100%! I am a married man and I have several good women friends. My wife knows who they are and we often hang out with them as a couple - though not always. I knew each of them for many years before I was married and there was never an inkling of romance. The idea that any man spending time with any woman will end up in the other’s bed is just insane. Of course you have to be very prudent and not place yourself in a near occasion of sin - whether it be physical or emotional… but there really are women out there I am not attracted to…and I am very sure there really are women out there who are not attracted to me! Its almost egotistical to think that there will be near occasion of sin with any given member of the opposite sex.

My parents are like some of the people on this thread. They have been married for 30 years and are very wary of friendships with the opposite sex. I remember my mom declined a male colleague’s offer to carpool to avoid scandal. To me that’s silly (with all due respect to my mother). But here’s the thing…my mom was 19 when she got married and my dad was in his early 20s. I don’t think they had the opportunity to develop deep platonic friendships with the opposite sex. My wife and I were in our late 20s when we got married. We had a lot of years as single people and we developed platonic friendships with people of both sexes.
 
It depends upon the circumstances.

Most of my close male friends are also my blood relatives.
 
twf said:
For the record, I empathize with you 100%! I am a married man and I have several good women friends. My wife knows who they are and we often hang out with them as a couple - though not always. I knew each of them for many years before I was married and there was never an inkling of romance. The idea that any man spending time with any woman will end up in the other’s bed is just insane. Of course you have to be very prudent and not place yourself in a near occasion of sin - whether it be physical or emotional… but there really are women out there I am not attracted to…and I am very sure there really are women out there who are not attracted to me! Its almost egotistical to think that there will be near occasion of sin with any given member of the opposite sex.

My parents are like some of the people on this thread. They have been married for 30 years and are very wary of friendships with the opposite sex. I remember my mom declined a male colleague’s offer to carpool to avoid scandal. To me that’s silly (with all due respect to my mother). But here’s the thing…my mom was 19 when she got married and my dad was in his early 20s. I don’t think they had the opportunity to develop deep platonic friendships with the opposite sex. My wife and I were in our late 20s when we got married. We had a lot of years as single people and we developed platonic friendships with people of both sexes.
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Nobody is suggesting that if you spend time with a member of the opposite sex you’ll end up in bed with them. If you read the article that I posted, it gives some very good reasons for not getting too deep into opposite sex friendships when one is married.

In my opinion, time that I might spend with female friends would be more constructively spend building my relationship with my wife. Also just being young doesn’t mean you haven’t had platonic friendships with the opposite sex.

I have female friends, but I’m not going to get together with a woman who isn’t my wife for a coffee and a chat together. The problem isn’t friendliness with the opposite sex. It’s the fact that in friendship, people open up to each other and it seems inappropriate to be opening up emotionally to a woman who is not your spouse. It just seems to make more sense to have guy friends who you can discuss things with, and then you can always go back to your wife and have a more intimate discussion with her.
 
I voted that it could be, as there are such friendships that are safe, but these are exceptions, though numerous they might be. These exceptions should be obvious. If you are married, you don’t have any business paling around with someone who could potentially become the near occasion of sin.
 
esieffe said:
I voted that it could be, as there are such friendships that are safe, but these are exceptions, though numerous they might be. These exceptions should be obvious. If you are married, you don’t have any business paling around with someone who could potentially become the near occasion of sin.
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I agree. I would add that if someone is finding themself in near occasions of sin then it’s probably gone too far already.

As I said already, it’s not impossible, but it the exception rather than the rule.

Would the best thing for a happy marriage not be to just accept that exclusive friendships with other women are over and your wife should be your only exclusive, female friend.

Even without actual infidelity, I would imagine that a lot of time spent away from your spouse, cultivating a friendship with a member of the opposite sex, would gradually arouse emotions of jealousy in the best of people.
 
AdamPeter said:
I agree. I would add that if someone is finding themself in near occasions of sin then it’s probably gone too far already.

As I said already, it’s not impossible, but it the exception rather than the rule.

Would the best thing for a happy marriage not be to just accept that exclusive friendships with other women are over and your wife should be your only exclusive, female friend.

Even without actual infidelity, I would imagine that a lot of time spent away from your spouse, cultivating a friendship with a member of the opposite sex, would gradually arouse emotions of jealousy in the best of people.
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Depends what you mean by a lot of time. I think most married people with kids would agree that they spend relatively little time with any friends, apart from their spouse, of any gender. I see my good friends perhaps once every couple of months - of either sex - and even then more often or not its with my wife. Not a lot of time for one on one whether it’s with a man or woman.
 
Perhaps it is my relatively young age, but friends come in both sexes. There should be no issue with opposite sex friends.

To some extent I think that treating opposite sex friends a danger to chastity actually increases the risks because then you have created another forbidden fruit. Instead of it just being your friend Jane she becomes Jane the Temptress.
 
HerCrazierHalf said:
Perhaps it is my relatively young age, but friends come in both sexes. There should be no issue with opposite sex friends.

To some extent I think that treating opposite sex friends a danger to chastity actually increases the risks because then you have created another forbidden fruit. Instead of it just being your friend Jane she becomes Jane the Temptress.
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Rather she becomes Jane the one I’m tempted to seduce. Please don’t put the onus on poor old Jane. 😉

There’s a difference between having close intimate friendships and having social friends. Brothers, sisters, cousins, spouses and friends of the same sex are generally safe enough to be intimate friends. But, making an intimate friend of a person of the opposite sex who isn’t one of those people is putting temptation in the way. It’s merely something to keep in mind so a friendship doesn’t turn into an affair, hurting one’s spouse and one’s marriage.
 
Della said:
Rather she becomes Jane the one I’m tempted to seduce. Please don’t put the onus on poor old Jane. 😉

There’s a difference between having close intimate friendships and having social friends. Brothers, sisters, cousins, spouses and friends of the same sex are generally safe enough to be intimate friends. But, making an intimate friend of a person of the opposite sex who isn’t one of those people is putting temptation in the way. It’s merely something to keep in mind so a friendship doesn’t turn into an affair, hurting one’s spouse and one’s marriage.
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Again, I think its the height of arrogance to assume that every member of the opposite sex is going to be a near occasion of sin. I know many, many, many, many women are not remotely attracted to me. I know that I am not remotely attracted to many, many, many women in turn. Of course if there is romantic attraction, fostering an unnecessary friendship would be foolish. My good women friends could never ever be a romantic interest even if I were single - and I know this from the many years of friendship with them when I was single.
 
While I can see the preponderance of caution that might lead to the “yes, always” answer, in reality this is not always a realistic issue. For instance, when the friendship is always conducted in the context of a group and without any chance for an exclusive attachment to develop, it really isn’t more of a danger than allowing ourselves to read fiction or watch fictional dramas with an element of romance to it.

Yes, sure, watching a great performance of The Tempest or *Romeo and Juliet *might give the evil one a chance to sow some discontent in a marriage, but c’mon. In my experience, married men in a parish are far more likely to remind their married female friends to have realistic standards for their husbands than to try to compete for the affections of anyone else’s wife.

One would have to define “danger” very broadly to recommend that each and every married couple out there strictly deny themselves the opportunity to develop any friendships of any description with the opposite sex under any circumstances.
 
Della said:
Rather she becomes Jane the one I’m tempted to seduce. Please don’t put the onus on poor old Jane. 😉

There’s a difference between having close intimate friendships and having social friends. Brothers, sisters, cousins, spouses and friends of the same sex are generally safe enough to be intimate friends. But, making an intimate friend of a person of the opposite sex who isn’t one of those people is putting temptation in the way. It’s merely something to keep in mind so a friendship doesn’t turn into an affair, hurting one’s spouse and one’s marriage.
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So by that logic does this mean that an ex or a woman win you used to have romantic feelings for but never dated is also off limits? A number of people are good friends with exes or people they had feelings for one upon a time.
 
I think it all depends on the definition of “friendship”. There is a difference between avoiding near occasions of sin, and the extreme idea that married people should never befriend or socialize with those of the opposite sex at all. That sounds more like something out of Sharia law than Christianity.

The OP stated that he “would imagine that a lot of time spent away from your spouse, cultivating a friendship with a member of the opposite sex, would gradually arouse emotions of jealousy in the best of people.”

Well, I don’t disagree with this, BUT I think do think it is possible to have social friendships without spending a “lot of time away from your spouse”.

I should also point out that even same-sex friendships can be problematic if such friends are not friends of the marriage. A rather stereotypical scenario, a husband constantly going to bars with his buddies after work, while the wife is stuck at home making dinner. Or a spouse who prioritizes networking with business contacts over the spouse. A spouse could feel jealous over such behavior even if no opposite sex people are involved at all.

I can also think of cases in which such “friends” actively sabotaged marriages, not by having affairs, but by constantly badmouthing the spouse, perhaps encouraging their friend to go clubbing, to bars, or even cheat on the spouse because “you deserve to be happy”.

So, does that mean married people should have no close friends at all, other than the spouse and perhaps close family members, to “protect the marriage”? I doubt this. Also, not all married couples have a “best friend” relationship, and that’s certainly not a pre-requisite for a valid marriage.

Of course, everyone should be careful. But this idea that “everyone is at risk of adultery if they have friends of the opposite sex”, I think is too simple. I also think some people are probably at greater risk of sexualizing such friendships than others.

Yes, sometimes opposite sex friendships turn into affairs. But there are also cases of married people having affairs with brother-in-laws or sister-in-laws. Does that mean that everyone should shun their opposite-sex in-laws and only socialize with in-laws of the same sex? How would that even be practical, unless one segregates all family social gatherings by sex.
 
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