Opposite-Sex Friends

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soccerDad:
Is anyone worried about appearances anymore?
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Apparently to some here it doesn’t. A close friendship between a married person and an unmarried person could scandalize the Church. There are other problems here. Not only possible scandalization the Church but also the near occasion of sin and a watered down image of the santity of marriage.
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soccerDad:
Is this all about yourselves, and how you feel?
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From the posts here supporting close friendship of the opposite-sex? In certainly appears to be.
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soccerDad:
If you are secure, without “hangups” as is uncharitably suggested, and have a strong marriage, that means it’s OK to have a close relationship with the opposite sex?
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Again, from what the supporters of close-opposite friendships have posted here it appears so. It’s a very poor argument. With this type of reasoning almost anything could be jusitified as “OK”.
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soccerDad:
Will you know if your friend feels the same platonic purity, really?
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No, it’s impossible to know with 100% certainty. Too many reasons for not telling the other person.
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soccerDad:
Will situations and feelings never change?
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Very good question for those that support these relationships. It’s impossible to say that it will not because the future is unknown. They may claim that they will not but they could certainly not say that for the other person. This is another reason that it’s foolish to be in these relationship while married.
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soccerDad:
I have heard Billy Graham would never be alone in a room with a woman other than his wife. How many of us have made even a small portion of this sacrifice and devotion?
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Alot less that I thought.
 
Of the supporters of close opposite-sex friendship here how many would completely cut off a close friendship that their spouse has become uncomfortable with?
 
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WindyFire12:
Of the supporters of close opposite-sex friendship here how many would completely cut off a close friendship that their spouse has become uncomfortable with?
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I would.😃
 
Without accusing anyone here…did you guys/gals know it’s fairly common that ones spouse will support close opposite-sex friends as a “cover” for their own sinful desires. IOW, they will allow their spouses to have close friends so that they could have their own. There is a saying for this “tactic” if you will but what it’s called slips my mind right now.

I once had a person tell me that if she was going to cheat she wouldn’t try to hide her cell logs but that would be more difficult. She simply “play down” any number questioned on her phone bill.
 
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gavin52:
Without accusing anyone here…did you guys/gals know it’s fairly common that ones spouse will support close opposite-sex friends as a “cover” for their own sinful desires. IOW, they will allow their spouses to have close friends so that they could have their own. There is a saying for this “tactic” if you will but what it’s called slips my mind right now.

I once had a person tell me that if she was going to cheat she wouldn’t try to hide her cell logs but that would be more difficult. She simply “play down” any number questioned on her phone bill.
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Sure…havent you been reading the numerous posts on this forum about cheating husbands and wives?
But once again…this does not apply to all people 😉 ore relationships:D
 
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WindyFire12:
Of the supporters of close opposite-sex friendship here how many would completely cut off a close friendship that their spouse has become uncomfortable with?
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Of course, and he would do the same for me.
 
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Karin:
Sure…havent you been reading the numerous posts on this forum about cheating husbands and wives?
But once again…this does not apply to all people 😉 ore relationships:D
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Exactly - for some it would be a problem. From this post and other related posts, I have come to see that both my husband and I are just plain ugly - cause our opposite sex close friends are not hitting on us 🙂
 
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Karin:
d(name removed by moderator)my:
Really:confused: …I assume you are speaking about the S word?!?
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I guess my husband and I once again are secure in ourselves and our marriage that this is not an issue… we also do not have hangups about our bodies or what our bodies are capable of doing. For that matter none of our friends have this issue either (married and single friends that is)

Well, I was not thinking about sex. I have spoken on the subject of sexual intercourse, dating, sexual tension, etc with close male friends in the past.

I have tried to discuss the topic of rape with male friends, and while most of them are sympathetic unless they had been victims of rape it was very difficult for them to be empathetic. Therefore the subject could not be explored at the same level as it can be discussed with females. Similarly, while the men friends I have who have been victims of rape have similar issues as female victims they deal with emotions and issues I will never understand simply because I am not a male. For those reasons, they do not discuss that with me…they discuss it with a male.

I understand that it would be perfect to say we can discuss anything with anyone regardless of their sex or their sexual orientation…but discussion and saying stuff outloud are two different things, again a distinction which I have found comes with age and experience and is difficult to define.

I have found it difficult to carry on an in-depth discussion on the use of the 3/4 defense in professional football with my girlfriends. Most of them do not even know what that means. Therefore, I don’t bring it up to them. Few of my men friends find an animated discussion of crochet patterns to be interesting. I rarely bring it up with them.

I do not say that it is impossible to have opposite sex friends. I believe one needs to practice prudence and be sensitive and intelligent, and to rashly declare that when one mentions reticence when refering to discussion topics that the person is somehow not at ease with their sexuality shows immaturity, insensitivity and a lack of charity.

And btw - that horrible GREEN face with that nasty smile on it…whose idea was it to put that on the icon choices? yuck.

Or, I could be wrong…
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WindyFire12:
Of the supporters of close opposite-sex friendship here how many would completely cut off a close friendship that their spouse has become uncomfortable with?
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This is a no-brainer. I’d cut off such a relationship regardless of gender. Just as an opposite sex relationship can be a detriment to a marriage, so can same sex relationships where they take up excessive amounts of time and attention away from the marriage. For men, their hunting and golf buddies can be the issue. For women, it might be their bunko games, talking to their girlfriends on teh phone for most of the evening, etc. Or they might not even include another person but are a spouse spending too mcuh time reading at night, watching TV, being on teh computer or even excessive volunteer activities even at the church. My point is that anything that becomes a distraction from the marriage is a risk. In a way these types of activity are there own form of adultery (and possibly more insidious as they have the appearance of innocence and can develop without anyone seeing the impact on the marriage).

While not discounting the adverse effect that a opposite sex might pose to some marriages, it is myopic to over-react to these when other risks pose equal and potentially greater risk.
 
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Orionthehunter:
This is a no-brainer. I’d cut off such a relationship regardless of gender. Just as an opposite sex relationship can be a detriment to a marriage, so can same sex relationships where they take up excessive amounts of time and attention away from the marriage. For men, their hunting and golf buddies can be the issue. For women, it might be their bunko games, talking to their girlfriends on teh phone for most of the evening, etc. Or they might not even include another person but are a spouse spending too mcuh time reading at night, watching TV, being on teh computer or even excessive volunteer activities even at the church. My point is that anything that becomes a distraction from the marriage is a risk. In a way these types of activity are there own form of adultery (and possibly more insidious as they have the appearance of innocence and can develop without anyone seeing the impact on the marriage).

While not discounting the adverse effect that a opposite sex might pose to some marriages, it is myopic to over-react to these when other risks pose equal and potentially greater risk.
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FABulous perspectives and ideas! Again, how much respect is being given to the Sacrament and Institution of Marriage - and this can only be determined on a case by case basis. Good points, Orion!
 
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Orionthehunter:
This is a no-brainer. I’d cut off such a relationship regardless of gender. Just as an opposite sex relationship can be a detriment to a marriage, so can same sex relationships where they take up excessive amounts of time and attention away from the marriage. For men, their hunting and golf buddies can be the issue. For women, it might be their bunko games, talking to their girlfriends on teh phone for most of the evening, etc. Or they might not even include another person but are a spouse spending too mcuh time reading at night, watching TV, being on teh computer or even excessive volunteer activities even at the church. My point is that anything that becomes a distraction from the marriage is a risk. In a way these types of activity are there own form of adultery (and possibly more insidious as they have the appearance of innocence and can develop without anyone seeing the impact on the marriage).

While not discounting the adverse effect that a opposite sex might pose to some marriages, it is myopic to over-react to these when other risks pose equal and potentially greater risk.
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Great points. This is kind of analogous to the whole issue of banning talking on the cell phone while driving because it is a distraction. Guess what, all sorts of things that can be distracting while driving: listening to music, kids fighting in the back seat, a conversation with another passenger, problems at work…etc. Are we going to outlaw all of these things? No. People just need to be aware of their limits. I know I am not very competent to talk on the cell phone and drive my car. I severely limit my cell phone use while driving. My husband, on the other hand can talk away, dial the phone, probably even surf the net, and be just fine while driving. Everyone is different. So it is with people who make friends with someone who is of the opposite sex. Some can handle any possible temptations that may or may not crop up better than others. I think it is pointless to make blanket judgments.
 
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LSK:
FABulous perspectives and ideas! Again, how much respect is being given to the Sacrament and Institution of Marriage - and this can only be determined on a case by case basis. Good points, Orion!
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No problem. You see I speak from some experience. I grew up hunting, fishing, golfing and other outside leisures. My wife didn’t do any of them. After we got married, neither of us saw any reason for me to give them up as they were “innocent” and positive. But as time went along, my wife grew to resent these activities but never said anything (she has a little martyr complex 😉 because she didn’t want to be selfish. But like all things that fester, we had our day of reckoning 😦 and I was shocked as I had no idea (men can be such dopes!).

While I still pursue those leisure activities, it is now done less and with alot more consideration. For instance, prior to hunting season, we plan some weekend activities that don’t include the kids. She now golfs. I have basically given up fishing (except I hope to take it up again when I have a few grandsons!). Etc.

(I know it doesn’t work this way and I’m not proposing it but just using it as an illustration that for other couples other things are more damaging to a marriage than an opposite sex friend so don’t beat me up on it). If I were to ask my wife to choose between me having dinner weekly with another woman or going back to my old ways regarding the above (esp. fishing), she’d offer to make the dinner reservation and lay out my clothes (which she only does on our date nights. Otherwise, I guess I’m capable of dressing my self). 😃
 
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WindyFire12:
Of the supporters of close opposite-sex friendship here how many would completely cut off a close friendship that their spouse has become uncomfortable with?
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That would depend. I would not just say “sure honey, I won’t be friends with so-and-so anymore”. I would sit down with my dh, find out why he is uncomfortable, and then I would also request that we sit down together with the person in question so that he can voice his concerns to that person. I don’t personally feel it’s a very mature thing to just demand that your spouse cut off a friendship because you are “uncomfortable”. Friendships, regardless of gender or marital status, are an important part of life.

Now, if something were to come out of the conversations, where it was found that my dh were to have valid concerns, then I would at least limit personal one-on-one visiting. But I would not give up a friendship that I felt was important. Nor would I hide it from my husband. He would know that while I will respect his feelings, and not be with this person alone, that I will still continue the friendship (via emails, phone, etc).

I would also expect all of the above to apply to us if I were uncomfortable with a friendship of his.
 
Jenn,

Wow, making your husband confront your friend. I would not want to be in his shoes. Is it not enough he feels uncomfortable? Would you have them fight too, western style?
 
There have been some good points about not neglecting your marriage. But, this is NOT like extra activities, or cell phones while driving. This is not a matter of personal capacity and comfort. This is a matter of church community, and the sanctity of marriage. Equating things to personal capacity is equivalent to moral relativism. Each of us should not be following their own moral compass, but should be looking at the church as a whole. Leave same sex friends for the sitcoms. After all, that’s one of their hooks, isn’t it? Will they ever get together? Oh, but look at them, wouldn’t they make a better pair? It’s so much more interesting in some ways. Even if you have given up some of those activities that took so much of your time and energy and self, wouldn’t it please your spouse more to provide a little more distance and decorum in (not cut off) your same sex friendships? I believe it would help the community around you.
 
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