Painful touch!

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missme22

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I’m writing for some advise. I have talked to my husband about this before but it seems that he just can’t get the message. He will walk up to me and massage my shoulders … But he hurts me. He says “it’s good for your muscles” and I know he really thinks he is right… But it hurts!

Today I was having trouble with my neck. I told my husband and he started massaging my shoulder. I said please be easy on me! But he wasn’t. I have a knot in my shoulder and he was forcing his elbow into it. He was very painful. I kept screaming stop… Stop. He wouldn’t.

So I finally got enough strength to stand up. I said that hurt terribly! He said I was just being a wimp and that kind of massage was necessary to fix my shoulder. He’s not an expert!

Why does he do this? It is driving me nuts!
 
Massage me again, and I will massage your fingers until the bones break…I mean, no thanks, really, I think I’ll just take an Advil. 😉

Seriously, though, you ought not accept a massage from someone who refuses to take your feedback. If a massage therapist doesn’t listen to you, you fire them. Until he switches his noodle, you have every right to forbid your husband from giving you any more massages, because he’s not listening.
 
missme22 said:
I’m writing for some advise. I have talked to my husband about this before but it seems that he just can’t get the message. He will walk up to me and massage my shoulders … But he hurts me. He says “it’s good for your muscles” and I know he really thinks he is right… But it hurts!

Today I was having trouble with my neck. I told my husband and he started massaging my shoulder. I said please be easy on me! But he wasn’t. I have a knot in my shoulder and he was forcing his elbow into it. He was very painful. I kept screaming stop… Stop. He wouldn’t.

So I finally got enough strength to stand up. I said that hurt terribly! He said I was just being a wimp and that kind of massage was necessary to fix my shoulder. He’s not an expert!

Why does he do this? It is driving me nuts!
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If you are truly SCREAMING “Stop!” and he is not paying attention, that is not a massage, it’s abuse. He could injure you if you are in pain and he keeps hurting you. I think you might need some help from a marriage counselor. Why would your husband continue to cause you pain if you have clearly told him that his massages are hurting you? That would be sick.
 
I don’t think your husband is being intentionally abusive. But,you really need to see a physician, in particular a neurologist, for your problem. You could have something wrong with your spine.
Do not be tempted to see a Chiropractor because your condition may be serious.
After your Doctors appointment, your husband may be a bit more considerate about your condition.
 
missme22 said:
I’m writing for some advise.** I have talked to my husband about this before but it seems that he just can’t get the message.** He will walk up to me and massage my shoulders … But he hurts me. He says “it’s good for your muscles” and I know he really thinks he is right… But it hurts!

Today I was having trouble with my neck. I told my husband and he started massaging my shoulder. I said please be easy on me! But he wasn’t. I have a knot in my shoulder and he was forcing his elbow into it. He was very painful. I kept screaming stop… Stop. He wouldn’t.

So I finally got enough strength to stand up. *** I said that hurt terribly! He said I was just being a wimp*** and that kind of massage was necessary to fix my shoulder. He’s not an expert!

Why does he do this? It is driving me nuts!
Click to expand...
We don’t know your husband’s side of what’s happening, BUT from what you’ve described above, particularly the highlighted bits, your husband is doing this because he’s an abusive bully.
  • You’ve talked with him and he refuses to change his behavior.
  • You screamed - literally screamed - for him to stop behavior you found physically painful, and he refused.
  • He caused you physical pain and then called you a wimp.
What part of this is not abusive?

Were I you I’d start getting professional massages. I wouldn’t let my husband massage me any more. And then I’d get some couple’s counseling on boundaries, bullying behavior, and respect.

Luna
 
missme22 said:
I’m writing for some advise. I have talked to my husband about this before but it seems that he just can’t get the message. He will walk up to me and massage my shoulders … But he hurts me. He says “it’s good for your muscles” and I know he really thinks he is right… But it hurts!

Today I was having trouble with my neck. I told my husband and he started massaging my shoulder. I said please be easy on me! But he wasn’t. I have a knot in my shoulder and he was forcing his elbow into it. He was very painful. I kept screaming stop… Stop. He wouldn’t.

So I finally got enough strength to stand up. I said that hurt terribly! He said I was just being a wimp and that kind of massage was necessary to fix my shoulder. He’s not an expert!

Why does he do this? It is driving me nuts!
Click to expand...
That is truly disturbing. I write this as one who massages his wife similarly but only because she says it really makes her feel better when done. I absolutely would not massage her so vigorously if it weren’t for her insistence. I was a victim of bad massage once, myself, so I understand your situation. 😦

If you regularly have trouble with your back, you might need physical therapy. If it’s only occasional, you might benefit from a topical analgesic that includes menthol and/or capsaicin.
 
No what’s so odd about this… Is he does this… Without provocation. He will just walk up and squeeze my shoulders to say hello. Im constantly having to ward him off
 
missme22 said:
No what’s so odd about this… Is he does this… Without provocation. He will just walk up and squeeze my shoulders to say hello. Im constantly having to ward him off
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If you have told him that it hurts you…And he still does it…Then he is not doing it out of love, but desire to hurt you. Recommend marriage counseling.

And, getting self-defense training, maybe like Krav Maga.

Krav Maga, Israeli Self Defense Training

Throw him down next time he sticks his elbow in your shoulder.

:stretcher:
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
We don’t know your husband’s side of what’s happening, BUT from what you’ve described above, particularly the highlighted bits, your husband is doing this because he’s an abusive bully.
  • You’ve talked with him and he refuses to change his behavior.
  • You screamed - literally screamed - for him to stop behavior you found physically painful, and he refused.
  • He caused you physical pain and then called you a wimp.
What part of this is not abusive?

Were I you I’d start getting professional massages. I wouldn’t let my husband massage me any more. And then I’d get some couple’s counseling on boundaries, bullying behavior, and respect.

Luna
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I wouldn’t go so far as to make him out to be a bully. I think this guy simply cannot admit that he’s wrong. He doesn’t believe that he’s really hurting her. It’s kind of like women who keep making the same dish that their husbands tell them they hate because they just don’t believe they dislike it as much as they say. I’d look at it as a sort of an invincible ignorance.

But yes, she would do well to tell him to keep his massage mitts to himself, whether he “gets” it or not. “I don’t care if you don’t believe me, I won’t you to cut it out and I want you to cut it out now. I don’t care if you’re the personal masseuse for the King of Sweden, you’ve lost your massage license in the Land of MissMe.”
 
EasterJoy said:
I wouldn’t go so far as to make him out to be a bully. I think this guy simply cannot admit that he’s wrong. He doesn’t believe that he’s really hurting her. It’s kind of like women who keep making the same dish that their husbands tell them they hate because they just don’t believe they dislike it as much as they say. I’d look at it as a sort of an invincible ignorance.
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Perhaps.

All we know is the information the OP has given us. He walks up to her and starts ‘massaging’ her without invitation. When she screams at him to stop he won’t. When she tells him it’s painful, he calls her a wimp.

Whatever choose to call it, it doesn’t smell like loving husband behavior from where I’m sitting.

Regardless of whether or not he truly believes he’s hurting her, if she tells him what he’s doing to her hurts and asks him to stop, he stops. Period. No name calling. No, “Just one more knuckle to get this knot…” Instead, this guy doesn’t stop and on top of that calls her a derisive name. I don’t know what to call it but passive-aggressive bullying. From the OP’s first post, I might even be inclined to call it borderline abusive, if his “massages” are leaving marks.

If I make meatloaf every Monday night for three months, my husband tells me that he can’t stomach another Meatloaf Monday, and I make meatloaf again and tell him he’s a wuss for not loving my meatloaf, I’m being a passive-aggressive jerk. If he tells me that my meatloaf causes his acid reflux to go into overdrive and I force feed him a slice, I’m being abusive.

Luna
 
I really hope this isn’t as bad as it sounds because I have to agree that it sounds like spousal abuse. That being said, I don’t like backrubs at all. When I was in choir, the director used to demand that we massage each others backs and I hated it because I felt perfectly fine before they would start and stiff and uncomforable the whole rest of the rehearsal. Some people really think sticking their elbow into someone’s back is a good idea. I don’t get it. You could just say, “You really need to stop trying to message my back because you suck at it and you’re hurting me.” If a man put his hands on me after I said ‘no’ it wouldn’t happen a second time.
 
I’m torn on this issue, particularly because I grew up in abusive household.
I don’t believe that my husband is doing this to be mean… But isn’t that what all victims say?

Anyway, I think it’s more controlling than anything else. He disregards my statement that he’s being too rough, because he thinks he knows better than me.

Does that make any sense? It’s just frustrating.
 
missme22 said:
No what’s so odd about this… Is he does this… Without provocation. He will just walk up and squeeze my shoulders to say hello. Im constantly having to ward him off
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In this case, it’s a huge problem. Get yourself to a counselor right away. It’s one thing not to know your own strength, completely another to go out of your way to do something that you already know your spouse doesn’t like. If it’s hurting you that much, it’s abusive.
 
missme22 said:
I’m torn on this issue, particularly because I grew up in abusive household.
I don’t believe that my husband is doing this to be mean… But isn’t that what all victims say?

Anyway, I think it’s more controlling than anything else. **He disregards my statement that he’s being too rough, because he thinks he knows better than me. **

Does that make any sense? It’s just frustrating.
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Yeah, that’s someone who is at the least ignoring another person’s pleas to stop. How can he know better than you what YOU are feeling? And any normal person does not continue to hurt another person when told very bluntly that what they are doing is hurting. Sounds like he’s intimidating you, by telling you “you don’t really feel pain, you’re just weak, and I will go on hurting you whenever I want to.” I hope you don’t have pets, because this type of person will hurt animals too.

Here’s something I just found on another website, dealing with narcissistic personality disorder.

Yet another thing it is safe to say about the normal children of narcissists is that they have probably picked up bad habits in interacting with others. Outwardly, some of these bad habits appear narcissistic. Yet it is easy to tell the difference between a narcissist and a normal person. How? By simply asking him to stop it. The normal child of a narcissist will stop it. (A normal person who is not the child of a narcissist may not be so good about stopping it.) But a narcissist will do it all the more.

Interesting, no?
 
missme22 said:
I’m torn on this issue, particularly because I grew up in abusive household.
I don’t believe that my husband is doing this to be mean… But isn’t that what all victims say?

Anyway, I think it’s more controlling than anything else. He disregards my statement that he’s being too rough, because he thinks he knows better than me.

Does that make any sense? It’s just frustrating.
Click to expand...
I agree with Luna and RealJulianne. A normal person might occasionally fail to get the picture, but what you are describing sounds as if it is going beyond merely being clueless. Cluelessness happens, but the clueless are just slow to be convinced of how you really feel. Bullies let you know that it isn’t your place to tell them how you feel. Rather, bullies feel that they have the right to tell you how you are to feel, don’t they?

Even though some in your childhood went to a lot of trouble to teach you not to listen to your gut, I think you know in your gut what you are dealing with, don’t you? If so, a counsellor would be very helpful in helping you to have the courage to trust what your insides are saying to you. Not just another person telling you what to do, but someone who will validate what you are telling yourself to do, which is to draw the line on this behavior and insist that your boundary be respected without fail.

Is that what your gut is telling you? You have a lot of votes here to listen to that!
 
Therapists have described my husband as a narcissist before. Mainly because he is so focused on himself. Case in point… We are both on the same workout program and we are exercising a lot. He lOves to cook. I have begged him to just let me eat my pre made food/calorie portion … But I will come home from work and find out he cooked again and insists I eat it. Tonight was the first time I didn’t let his guilt trip impact my actions.

As for abuse…my husband has hurt our child before. He told me it was an “accident” but when we talked about it in therapy… 2 mOnths later… He couldn’t even describe to the therapist what happened specifically. He said “he has a bad memory”. Since this incident… He hasn’t had any more “accidents”. But, it’s scary for me. Especially since I had such a tough childhood.
 
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