Painful touch!

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I sent him lists of classes he could take THIS weekend to improve his chances of getting that other job. But he didn’t respond at all. It’s crazy making.

QUOTE=TheRealJuliane;9197304]So your husband is going to attempt to use his son as a source of income. How typically narcissistic of him.
 
The problem is… He MAY feel empathy at times but I wouldn’t know because he’s very quiet and serious by nature. I do see a lot of matches on the narcissistic list. What’s odd is that he’s made a ton of those mistakes before … But like gas lighting… (I learned here) he makes me feel like I am crazy for having concerns.

At his last job… I asked him to request a schedule change so he could spend more time with our son. He kept ignoring me… Then when I sat down and told him how serious I was… He flipped. He told me he would quit and go get a job at cvs as a cashier then… He was manipulating me. But, he made me feel CRAZY.
exoflare said:
“Empathy” for animals doesn’t count, and this is actually pretty typical for narcissists anyway. Believe me, there are a lot more links I could have posted about this, but here’s just one:

psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic47260.html
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Well, in the end, as they say… by their fruits you will know them. Enough is enough, and I hope you’re still planning to go through with this.
 
It is difficult to understand how it got this far. But I began journaling and writing out things about our relationship from the very beginning and I could see that I was using him as a distraction from my own issues. I am going to work very hard on improving myself. I pray… With God’s help… That I can be strong enough to overcome all of these challenges. The last time I even suggested separating… My DH was devestated and turned very mean. He acted like a child and started searching “suicide/divorce” on our computer for me to see.

Of course, I caved. I couldn’t stand my own pain and coupled with HIS I lost my motivation.
 
exoflare said:
“Empathy” for animals doesn’t count, and this is actually pretty typical for narcissists anyway. Believe me, there are a lot more links I could have posted about this, but here’s just one:

psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic47260.html
Click to expand...
Wow. :eek: Just found this at the bottom…

*Re: Empathy for animals, not humans.

I have a joke for phoenix. I love inappropriate humor. This one isn’t too bad. Its sexist, sorry to the ladies.

Q: How can you prove that a dog is truly a man’s best friend?
A: Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
The scary thing is, those people are NOT kidding!

:eek:
 
missme22 said:
It’s going to be tough now… Since he’s still unemployed. But, I’ve got to take action and get back to the lawyer. This ain’t changing… Anytime soon.
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Have you already hired a divorce attorney?
 
I spoke w an attorney and he was concerned about my husband’s mental state and also lack of employment … He thinks I should try to get him into a jOb (which I’ve tried!) and the go from there. But the problem is I’m going to have to pay for child care too since my husband had been home in the afternoon. It’s not going to be easy.

It’s intimidating …
 
missme22 said:
…The last time I even suggested separating… My DH was devestated and turned very mean. He acted like a child and started searching “suicide/divorce” on our computer for me to see…
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Oh, wow. Seriously, I think you may be wise to have an escape plan. This fellow could do something rash. If he decides he’s not going to let your welfare get in the way of his choice of a dramatic response, you and your child could be in grave danger.

Do get professional guidance about how to get out of this safety. Don’t go it alone. Erase your history every time before you leave your computer unattended, too. I think you may remain far safer if he does not catch on that you’re catching on to him. Again, he could do something rash if he realizes the jig is up.

Martha Stout has a list of rules for dealing with people who do not have empathy, or an emotional conscience bookbrowse.com/author_interviews/full/index.cfm/author_number/1097/martha-stout. Not to put a label on your husband, but if he uses lies, vindictiveness, or drama to manipulate you, the basic ideas could prove very useful to you.
 
missme22 said:
I spoke w an attorney and he was concerned about my husband’s mental state and also lack of employment … He thinks I should try to get him into a jOb (which I’ve tried!) and the go from there. But the problem is I’m going to have to pay for child care too since my husband had been home in the afternoon. It’s not going to be easy.

It’s intimidating …
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I’m not sure I get what he’s saying. Does he mean you ought to stay with someone who could hurt you so that you’ll get more favorable terms when you divorce? Does he know that you have some reason to fear your husband, about the “suicide/divorce” searches that he left for you to find?
 
He was basically suggesting that I get him into therapy and proceed carefully. He too felt that I am weak and vulnerable to his behavior and he suggested I get myself into a very strong place… So I don’t fold again.

Again… My husband has not been violent… Per say… Since he last sought therapy. But his behavior becomes very childlike when he is forced into something. I have to be ready for manipulation and temper tantrums.
 
I’ve been following this thread for a while now, and each time I open it it seems the situation is getting worse. Alarm bells ringing all over the place.

Please, please get yourself and your son to a place of safety. Don’t hang around hoping he’ll get a job and that things will get better - they are clearly not.

The more you tell us about him, the more it becomes apparent that he is potentially very dangerous.
 
missme22 said:
He was basically suggesting that I get him into therapy and proceed carefully. He too felt that I am weak and vulnerable to his behavior and he suggested I get myself into a very strong place… So I don’t fold again.

Again… My husband has not been violent… Per say… Since he last sought therapy. But his behavior becomes very childlike when he is forced into something. I have to be ready for manipulation and temper tantrums.
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Are you sure your therapist suggested that YOU get your husband into therapy? That would not be your job, not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to keep yourself and your son safe, whatever that entails.

It would be unusual for a therapist to make that kind of suggestion.
 
No the divorce attorney. He suggested I try to get my husband into therapy so he has somewhere to turn when he will… Most likely… Freak out.

The thing is I don’t know how to do this… Before he gets a job. It’s basically impossible… Financially… Unless I pay for an apt for him.

It’s just a tough spot to be in… Considering I have a full time job and a child to care for. My son … I really worry about.
 
missme22 said:
No the divorce attorney. He suggested I try to get my husband into therapy so he has somewhere to turn when he will… Most likely… Freak out.

The thing is I don’t know how to do this… Before he gets a job. It’s basically impossible… Financially… Unless I pay for an apt for him.

It’s just a tough spot to be in… Considering I have a full time job and a child to care for. My son … I really worry about.
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Ohhhhh…I see! Good, I was worried about the therapist recommending that you manipulate your husband into therapy!

I wouldn’t worry about that - if your husband decides to “freak out,” it’s not going to matter if he has a therapist or not. Other than one more person to draw into his drama, it’s not like a normal person’s reaction, which might be to start grieving, call the therapist and get in to see him that day. And then see him every 3 days for the next 3 mos.

Good luck getting a narcissist into therapy in the first place. YOU are to blame, not them, why would they need a therapist? As long as YOU are there with them, they can simply blame you and think of you as the mentally ill/emotionally weak. Alone it might mean that THEY are actually in need of therapy. :dts:

Ain’t gonna happen.
 
missme22 said:
I spoke w an attorney and he was concerned about my husband’s mental state and also lack of employment … He thinks I should try to get him into a jOb (which I’ve tried!) and the go from there. But the problem is I’m going to have to pay for child care too since my husband had been home in the afternoon. It’s not going to be easy.

It’s intimidating …
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It’s not going to be easy leaving him. My husband would cry every time I threatened to leave, yet he never changed his behavior. He was never violent physically either, but verbally, wow.

It will be VERY hard for you to leave. Luckily you have a job. I was a SAHM. You have to protect your son. If you can’t trust a man with an innocent defenseless baby, what can you trust him with?

You need to give him an ultimatum and stick with it. I’m not saying you should divorce him, but go to safety!

Make it easier by asking yourself, would you want your son to think this is how normal marriages are? How would you feel if your son married and repeated this behavior with his wife and child? After all, this is what you modeled.
 
missme22 said:
The thing is I don’t know how to do this… Before he gets a job. It’s basically impossible… Financially… Unless I pay for** an apt for him. **
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That is HIS problem, not yours.

Your job is to get yourself and your son to safety.
 
missme22 said:
No the divorce attorney. He suggested I try to get my husband into therapy so he has somewhere to turn when he will… Most likely… Freak out.

The thing is I don’t know how to do this… Before he gets a job. It’s basically impossible… Financially… Unless I pay for an apt for him.

It’s just a tough spot to be in… Considering I have a full time job and a child to care for. My son … I really worry about.
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Hang in there, and use these people you have there to help guide you.

I think you may want to use your lawyer for legal advice–including your legal options for finding a safe place–and otherwise for anecdotal accounts of what sorts of things happen. As to how to deal with those emotional mine fields, that is not something they teach in law school. If your divorce attorney doesn’t have a background in clinical psychology, too, consider using his suggestions as advice from an experience friend who is nevertheless a layperson.

IOW, use your therapist and lawyer together, and if your therapist is not experienced in crisis counselling, find a crisis center to help you out, too. You don’t have to think this to death, but you do want guidance from the most experienced guides you can find, as this will be a journey of decisions that will need (name removed by moderator)ut from many sources.

Also, remember: The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. Put your son’s welfare first, then your safety, then other goals after that.

Hang in there. Trust God. You can do what you need to do.
 
missme22 said:
No the divorce attorney. He suggested I try to get my husband into therapy so he has somewhere to turn when he will… Most likely… Freak out.

The thing is I don’t know how to do this… Before he gets a job. It’s basically impossible… Financially… Unless I pay for an apt for him.

It’s just a tough spot to be in… Considering I have a full time job and a child to care for. My son … I really worry about.
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Do you have any family members that can shelter you, should you choose to separate for reasons of safety?
 
Thank you for the support and reassurance.

This is one of those scenarios where you question the person you’ve lived with for more than 10 years. When you see them objectively (try to) its painful.

The hardest part for me is that he doesn’t intentionally do these things (in my opinion). He’s just not inspired to change lOng term.

I also struggle because he’s not a typical abuser. He’s a gas lighter!
 
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